OK I just found out back in Feb. This is still so new. I dont know if I CAN OR WILL EVER TRUST HIM. Hes leaving for 4 nites and 5 days to a conference in another city. How do I deal with this? What if she calls? She played her cards right so far...she only calls when hes here. She doesnt harass us. But he cut her off. Shes only called toabout pregnancy(3 times). She doesnt know what shes gonna do. Anyways, Hes leaving and he loves to go out with his buddies. Before That WAS NOT a problem. Im just not so sure at this point. I need help...Suggestions so I dont go crazy....HELP

Cardinal,<BR>Calm down. It's natural to feel scared.<BR>My H just got back from a 5 day golf trip w/golf buddies in Myrtle Beach. He called before he flew home and said all he did was think about me. Didn't really enjoy himself like in the past years.<P>your H seems to not want too much to do w/ow.<BR>Don't worry. Pray. It soothes the soul. Don't feel threatened...our H's will never be this foolish again....I think this is the hardest lesson they will get in life!<P>Ok now chin up! Ok?<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Could you go with him? (esp. if him job requires frequent travel) Or maybe like a situation in Harley's book, he could give you a copy of him schedule and call periodically.<P>caller id would fix the what if she calls prob.<P>likes going out w/ buddies. out to bars,etc? my H used to as well. he understands now and agrees with me that no more bars, if you want to spend time w/ friends go to lunch, movie, baseball game, etc...but no bars w/o me. stopping at the bars after work was where our trouble began.<P>another thing we've learned is the difference between a friend and a buddy. we've become very picky..a friend truely cares about you, and therefor your marriage, and wouldn't suggest or encourage activities that harm your marriage. a buddy would care more about having company at the bar than upseting the marriage (enter the "whipped," comments) Something for your H to think about.<P>Are his buddies friends of yours as well?<BR>

Yes I could go with him. But should I ? Should I just try to trust? I cant take son out of school for 4 or 5 days. Thanks guys for responding. I just dont know. He leaves next Monday! His A was mainly physical. Althought it was our distance that pushed him away from me to her. Im not making excuses for H. Believe me, I would never do that. But I'm concerned because we are distant, again. This is so because of A. Well thanks again. Pray for me.

It's awfully soon for him to do that! Your reaction is very normal and it's HIS JOB to reassure you, to take concrete ACTIONS to rebuild trust. There is a great description of sample actions for rebuilding trust in the book After the Affair by Abrams Spring ("low cost behaviors" page 148-155, "high-cost behaviors" page 155-160). The betrayed have no reason to trust the unfaithful until he's spent time proving he's learning and changing. <P>Can he get out of it, or delay it? You could go with and bring your child with a week's worth of homework, if it is worth it to you (a kind of working family vacation?! We homeschool and do that sort of thing mid-year normally). Or maybe grandparents could watch him/her?<P>Just some thoughts, but must say Gemini is probably right too... what guy would want to put himself through this twice?!<BR>J