Hi all,<P>If you recall, I have been one of the BSs who has been fairly accepting of the OC. (No negative reflection on anyone else on this board whatever decision he or she may have made. This is just my decision and one I have been fairly comfortable with.)<P>Someone asked if I might change my mind once we completed the adoption and it took away from our kids for H to support the OC and to take trips 4 or 6 times a year to see his daughter. <P>Well, now we are losing the adoption. We had passed our home study almost a year ago and his fingerprints came up in an FBI background check for an incident a few years ago that had been reduced to a traffic ticket and expunged a year later. So, our adoption agency was surprised and angry when the FBI and Immigration and Naturalization refused us permission to adopt until we redid our homestudy and told the agency about this incident. We did everything the agency requested and on Good Friday they sent us a registered letter saying that they were denying our homestudy. That means we can't go on with the adoption of these children.<P>There were originally three children--two boys ages 8 and 5 who spent last summer living with us. We fell in love with them and they came to think of us as their parents. There was also a little 2-year-old-girl who was too young to come on the summer trip. About 8 weeks ago, her uncle in Eastern Europe decided to adopt her and we can't fight that decision; it is his legal right under the law.<P>So, we went from loving and expecting three kids, to only two and now to none. Their rooms are ready and their clothes are bought. Their toy shelves and book shelves are full. D-day was a few weeks after the boys went back to Eastern Europe. My husband had left pictures of his OW and OC on his computer. I used his computer to print out pictures of our house and our lives to send to the little girl whom we were still expecting to adopt at that time. The social workers use the pictures to try and help a child adapt to the idea of a new family and a new life. I don't need to tell any of you of the trauma of D-day. I think that he subconsciously set up a situation where I would "accidentally" find evidence of his affair so I could stop it for him; something he seemed unable to do for himself.<P>If you are having trouble keeping this straight here is a time line:<P>1993 affair begins<BR>1993 to 2000 many breakups of the affair but they keep <BR> getting back together<BR>May 2000 H's OC born. OW had spent 3 months in the <BR> hospital before the premature delivery of <BR> OC. Thank God she had insurance.<BR>June 2000 The boys arrive and spend the summer with us<BR> We also get news that we have passed our homestudy<BR>July 2000 H loses his very high-salary job because <BR> doctors suspect a brain tumor and he is <BR> going through massive medical tests. They <BR> find no brain tumor, but a condition that <BR> causes too much fluid to build up in the <BR> brain (and cause the vision loss that he <BR> was having).<BR>August 2000 The boys return to their orphanage. It was <BR> a very sad day for them and for us.<BR>Sep. 2000 We get notice that FBI background check <BR> returned his fingerprints and we have to <BR> re-do our homestudy<BR>Sep. 2000 D-day<BR>Oct. 2000 H has massive surgery to remove a tumor from <BR> a salivary gland in his face. They found it <BR> accidentally while looking for the non-<BR> existent brain tumor. It was benign <BR> but very difficult to face his affair and <BR> possible cancer at the same time. As a <BR> friend put it "I want kill you, but don't <BR> die right now. He is still facing <BR> possible brain surgery to put in a shunt <BR> related to the pseudo-tumor cerebri (fake <BR> brain tumor in Latin), the problem that is <BR> causing his vision changes and raised <BR> intercranial pressure. <BR>Jan. 2001 We jump back on the adoption wagon trying to <BR> finish up last details and bring the <BR> children home.<BR>March 2001 Get notification that the little girl is <BR> being adopted by her uncle<BR>April 2001 We get denied on homestudy<P>We are so miserable and so griefstricken. I have to remind myself to breathe in and out and to wake up each morning. The loss is tremendous.<P>All through his affair I told myself to hang on, that our kids would be coming home soon. Now I know that they won't be and that it is at least a couple of years until we can get through another attempt at an adoption. I wasn't staying in the marriage for the kids, although I will admit that that was one of my motives. I fell in love with those boys not knowing that my H had had and A and an OC. I felt like we promised those boys a home and a new life even though we followed the rules of the summer program and never spoke about adoption to the boys. I don't think I could have divorced and left them in an orphanage even if I had wanted to.<P>I don't want to divorce, but I don't know if I can live a life where he has a child with OW and we don't have children of our own.<P>Now you know why I call myself Mrs. Job.

I feel for you,Mrs. JOb.what a difficult time you are having now. I know the pain of losing children, I have had 5 miscarriages,and the fact that you have no kids of your own must make it doubly difficult. It sounds as if you have a relationship with the OC? what is that like? How old is the OC-I guess around a year? What is the state of your marriage? How is it going? What is husband/s thoughts upon the loss of kids in marriag? How long have you been married? I know some of these answers may help you decide for yourself what to do on the long hall, but the important thing is, as I have been told many times by other people on this forum, do not make any sudden decisions. You are in a grief state, still probably about the affair and OC, definately about the loss of the children you thought you would adopt. Give yourself time to heal and grieve.Are you in counseling for yourself? Think of it if not, and you are in my thoughts.

Dear Mrs. Job,<BR>I don't know what to say except that I am soooo sorry.<P>I guess this might sound like a VERY stupid thing to mention right now, but I know of a little boy who really needs a home. I worked with him at a children's home - he was there through no fault of his own - just abandonment by his worthless parents. He was so smart and so full of love, that it just pained me to see him wishing and hoping for someone to adopt him and take him home. His natural mother reportedly was so happy when she signed off rights to him that she was humming a happy tune as she left the courtroom. She wanted to be "free" to live her own life without the burden of a child to stop her.<P>I don't mean it like "Hey, you lost two boys, how about taking this one instead?" Really, I don't mean THAT at all. I'm just saying that it breaks my heart that you, a would-be loving parent can't adopt those boys when there are parents out there who don't deserve to even have kids, but get to have them anyway. It's just not fair.<P>I am so sorry for you and doubly sorry for those boys, who undoubtably just lost a wonderful mother.<BR>cd

Dear lsb,<P>I don't know how you all keep the confusing details of one another's lives separate, but here is my background info.<P>We have been married 19 years. The affair began sometime in our 11th or 12th year of marriage.<P>Yes, we see the OC. She lives 2,000 miles away, but we fly out there. We will go on our 3rd visit the weekend after next. H loves his daughter. I can see it on his face and in his eyes. He has always been great with our billion nieces and nephews (we both come from large families and our brothers and sisters are all fertile as rabbits. But this relationship is different. <P>The only other time I have seen him this way with kids was last summer with the boys who were supposed to become ours. He is devestated by the adoption loss as well. I am grieving and he is trying to get the decision reversed. I hope that he succeeds, but I don't have the strength to fight this battle right now. So....we are in different places in the grief process. I am in full sadness and he (may be) is still in the anger or denial phase.<P>I was nervous on the first visit to OW's house. I *adore* children and being around his daughter was not as hard as I thought it would be. I know that this child was not his intention, but on D-day I told him he owed this child more than a check each month. I have a niece born of a marriage and her father left when she was only about 3 months old. He has never been back to see her. I know that from the time she was 3 years old, she knew and was sad that other children have daddies and she does not. She still struggles to understand that the problem lies in her father not in her--that nothing that she did as a child was the cause of his defection of his role as a father. I didn't want that even for my H's OC. <P>The OW basically turns her house over to us for 12 hours each day (we usually go for 3 or 4 days) and we take care of the baby at her house. It is so much easier than having to take care of her at a hotel.

Mrs. Job,<BR>So sorry things didnt work out with the adoption.Prayers for you to be able to get through this will be coming your way. with love flowerseed

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>I have been in your shoes so I know that there is no other pain like the one you are experiencing. I have also had multiple miscarriages and my H's OC was conceived when I was at the height of infertility treatments with no hope that he and I would ever have a child together.<P>I remember like it was yesterday the day that he told me the OW was expecting his child. There I was trying everything that modern science had to offer, losing pregnancy after pregnancy. And, another woman had just gotten pregnant with my H - just like that. The pain was immeasurable.<P>Don't give up hope Mrs. Job. It is a horrible thing to lose a child -- and you have lost three all at one time. I know in your heart that those were already your children. You had already planned for them and they had become part of your life in your heart. <P>When my H's OC was born, I made the mistake of feeling that since he had a baby he was no longer sad about the loss of our babies. I was dead wrong. Although your H may love the OC because it is his child, there is nothing that can replace the sadness of losing children with the person you want to have them with the most.<P>My H tells me, even today, that he was heartbroken every time I miscarried, for me because of what it did to me emotionally, and for him because of the missed opportunity to parent with me. But, like many men, my H felt that he had to be the strong one and he had to be the one that I could lean on. He did not show me the despair that he felt inside.<P>Talk to your H about his feelings. For some people, it is difficult to bring them out. I am sure that he is hurting just like you are. One child never replaces another, so I doubt that the OC is a replacement for the family that you both long for together.<P>You are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Heavenly,<P>Did you and H go on to have children?<P>Mrs. Job

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>Yes, four years after the OC was born, we had two children - boy first, then a girl. It seems that I had an uncommon but fixable problem -- an incompetent cervix -- which they fixed through medication.<P>I also took fertility drugs because after years of miscarrying I developed a tubal infection and then was having difficulty conceiving. It never rains, it pours.<P>I joined a great support group called Resolve which really helped me to get through that period. They also had tremendous referrals for the best doctors, in vitro programmes, and adoption agencies. You might want to consider looking into them - there are chapters all over the country and I am sure you will find one in your area.<P>It was a terrible, long struggle. So, I know what you are feeling. The news about the OC devastated me so that my H was afraid I was going to commit suicide. I never thought I would come out of my depression.<P>But we each have so much inner strength and I don't think it really comes out until we are truly tested. You have suffered a tremendous loss -- three precious children. But, please don't give up hope.<P>Let yourself feel your pain but then get back to trying whatever options you have left to have the family you deserve. I am not sure if you posted what your fertility problem was. If you did, I missed it. If you would like to discuss it one-on-one, please feel free to e-mail me at rosepell@ivillage.com.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Mrs. Job,<BR>I'm so very sorry for your losses. I thought so much about your devastation today. H and I have lost 4 pregnancies (one of them at term) and have considered adoption many times, but we do have 2 surviving children now and I can't pretend to know how badly you and your H feel today. As heavenly said, don't think that because your H has OC that he doesn't have feelings for your losses together, both bio and adoption. It took at least 3 years for my H to even be able to talk about our fullterm loss with others...<P>Prayers and angels to you today,<BR>(and remember Job's family was blessed with successes eventually, and I pray yours will be too!)<BR>J

Mrs. Job,<P>I am so sorry that you lost the adoption. It is sad that with so many children waiting to be adopted that they don't let you adopt these children with whom you have bonded and I am sure they have too. It is sickening.<P>I will pray that the decision be reversed. You are in my prayers right now, that God will comfort you in this difficult time.<P>happy_girl