Hope I do not offend anyone, politics can be a sore spot around somepeople....But with the things that have been going on around my forum, the one place that I have found that has made me feel accepted and made me see that I am not alone, and ashamed of what has happened in my life, I figured why not try and give us all a laugh....So here goes... <P><BR>A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl suddenly winked and asked, "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"<P>"The little boy replied - You're so old fashioned"...... "Spit out your gum, I want to play President Hope you all get a laugh or two, Peace and Love, Gabi1116

up up up

Ok Gabbi...you got a chuckle out of me....<BR>Love<BR>bw

I've got one (please don't take offense).<P> A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The Dr. told her of a new procedure called "The Knob". This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.<P>Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."<P>Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these<BR>terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."<P>The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."<P>She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."<BR>

How 'bout another joke? Yes? Well, okay. If ya'll insist.<P>Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute/OW?<BR>A: A prostitute/OW can wash her crack and sell it again!<P>

Oh boy, did I just tell that joke....see what I'm being reduced to?

You are KILLING me! I needed this!<P>Carolyn

A man is standing in line at a fancy dance club. when he gets to the front of the line, the bouncer looks him over and says, "Sorry, mister. I can't let you in here. You're not wearing a tie."<P>The man thinks for a minute and goes back to his car. He opens his trunk and pulls out a pair of jumper cables. He wraps the jumper cables around his neck, ties a knot in them, and goes back to the dance club line.<P>When he gets back to the door, the bouncer takes a look at him and says, "OK, I'll let you in...but you better not start anything!"<P>cd

ARRGGHHH!<P>How 'bout this one....<P>To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool of trade". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.<P>The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up.<P>After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the<BR>kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.<P>Baffled the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!!

Thanks all for reading and posting to my little joke. See what I started!!!!!!!!!Now isn't this more fun than responding to the braindead. Anyone got any more good ones feel free. I have tons, I am going to do through my old mail and find you all some. I know I have a few on infidelity, if you all don't mind. I mean if we can't joke alittle then we are never going to heal. Love and Peace to all my MB friends. Gabi1116

Here's a bad one...but a bad one is better than nothin'.<P>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"<P>She calls on little NICO.<P>He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot"<P>The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"<P>Then little NICO says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"<P>The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone". To which Little NICO replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking."

Very good idea, I loved the jokes and forgot to mention on one of the other threads I died laughing about the cucumbers, carrots etc. I dont think anyone thought of ball park franks. I hear they work pretty good to pratice on. Kind of skinny thou so i've heard. with love flowerseed

OK, heres mine.<P>An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up<BR>and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds<BR>like she's driving a car.<BR> As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of<BR>a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were<BR>speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She<BR>digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy<BR>wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives<BR>her a warning and sends her on her way.<BR>Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the<BR>same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me<BR>ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back<BR>there." "Can I see your registration please?" She<BR>digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store<BR> receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives<BR>her another warning and sends her on her way.<BR>She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all<BR>over. As she comes to the old man's room again he<BR>jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!<BR>The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says,<BR>"Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"<P><BR>

All I can respond with is HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Q. Why are men like guns?<BR>A. Keep one around long enough and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Well, I guess that explains the goatee<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ohbratti.....too funny!!!!!! Only I wouldn't have a goatee...ha..ha...Razors are a good thing.....ha ha <P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

<B>To All</B><P>I loved the jokes. I am not very good at them, but I'll give it a shot. <P>This is one all of us ladies who are Moms can relate to. Some of the men too.<P><B>Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?<P>A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.</B><P>Can't wait to read more of these. LOL Keep going ladies.<P>Hugs and love,<BR> <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited April 24, 2001).]

Up to top with the funnies!<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Hello all since I started this thread I figured I would give you all another, Maybe you can get a tiny chuckle that is all this one is worth..Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence and the Abbot said, "Sister,<BR>this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as your like, but <BR>you may not speak until I direct you to do so....". <P>Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to <BR>her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for five years. You can speak two <BR>words." Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the <BR>Abbot said, "We will get you a better bed..." <P>After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by the Abbot... "You may <BR>say another two words, Sister Marlena." <BR>"Cold food," said Sister Marlena, and the Abbot assured her that the food <BR>would be better in the future.... <P>On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbot again called Sister <BR>Marlena into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I quit," said <BR>Sister Marlena. "It is probably best," said the Abbot, "You've done nothing<BR>but ***** since you've been here." <BR>Gabi1116.

This sounds like my family !<P>You know you are at a SERIOUS Mexican Birthday Party IF:<P>1. Some of the guest didn't bring a gift, but brought extra uninvited kids.<BR>2. When the cake says "Happy Birthday Mijo" instead of the child's real<BR>name.<BR>3. The party is at Chuck E Cheese but they brought their own food, cake, and<BR>pinata.<BR>4. It's a child's party but there are more grown-ups than children.<BR>5. It's Mijo's 1st Birthday and the party food is BBQ, arroz con beans, y 10<BR>cases de Budweisers.<BR>6. For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there<BR>is usually a live fight.<BR>7. There are twenty kids at the party but no parents.<BR>8. The party was over at 5:00, its 8:00 and somebody's kids are STILL there.<BR>9. The host calls someone who's on their way and tells them to stop and get<BR>some ice.<BR>10. The guests start arriving and the hostess disappears to get ready.<BR>11. You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say "Mira, tan cute!<BR>I'm going to have to get you something next week when I get paid."<BR>12. The party is Saturday, so you got a call from the hostess Friday night<BR>saying, "I'm giving Mijo a birthday party tomorrow at 3:00."<BR>13. Some guests bring gifts that are still in the store bag ("The Dollar<BR>Store")....unwrapped.<BR>14. The Baby's Daddy (the Mommy's boyfriend) and the Mommy's ex-boyfriend<BR>(the one that the baby seems to like more) are both there and the baby keeps<BR>calling them both daddy!<BR>15. There always seems to be more family than friends at the party.<BR>16. The cake didn't come from the store; it come from the 'viejita' down the<BR>block who makes really good cakes.<BR>17. You told you have to hold on to the plate that you ate your food on so<BR>you can eat your cake.<BR>18. Someone calls and says they cant make it but asks that you save them<BR>some cake in a to-go-plate for when they pass by later.<BR>19. Guest are wrapping up cake to take to Mommy, Tio, Abuela, Chata y el<BR>Junior.<BR>20. The party music is coming from the trunk of someone's car.<BR>21. The birthday baby's Daddy comes to the party and brings the kids he had<BR>before and after Birthday Baby.<BR>22. The Birthday child is dressed from head to toe in Tommy.<BR>23. It's "Mijo's" party but since his cousin Amber is there and her<BR>birthday is in a few days, it becomes Mijo's and Amber's Party.