I have recently come across this web site because I am in desperate need of some advice! You see I have been married to my husband for just over a year. I have known him for almost 10 years and have lived together for the last three.
To make a long story short, in the recent months everytime we argue about something small, he blows up calling me names like: Stupid, retard, mean, manipulative, b_tch. He'll even tell me to F_ck off, go the f_ ck away. I'll ask him why he puts me down and he says "B/C he can". He alway dominates the argument with his points and wont listen to mine. He'll even go to the bed room, roll over and ignore every word/ tear/ what ever else I do. (That kills me more than anything!) It's summer time and I am a teacher, so I'm off for these two months. This, I never thought bothered him but in a recent argurment he asked me "What do you do all day" "Nothing!So why do I need to ask how your day was. "

When I look this over I know it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.But I find myself wanting to make the excuse that he's not always like this and that we do get along well and that it is just the times when we argue and he is tired that we end up like this.
I'm also disappointed in myself because I appear to be playing a role of a victim,a role that I never thought I would play. Most importantly one that I don't want to play.

I am looking for advice on how to stop this, how to turn this patter around and how to approach him in a way that he hears how wrong it is. (Also is this considered Emotional Abuse?)

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: needadviceny ]</small>

I found a link on Emotional Abuse that may help you clarify the definition and some steps you can take. No matter how you label it, this is unhealthy behavior.

I don't have much advice for you. You may want to post your question on the "Emotional Needs" or "General Questions" board, as they get a lot more traffic and you're more likely to encounter people who can advise you.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not. I just wonder how he'd react if you taped one of these confrontations and played it back for him.

It sounds like you have many forms of abuse: verbal, emotional, etc.

Dr. Harley describes abuse as knowingly/deliberately causing hurt/pain to your spouse. With this definition, there is no doubt that your situation is abusive.

I want you to read this. My H has gone through the House of Ruth's Batterer's Program, and it has really helped. In this link, I want you to focus on the "Power and Control" wheel at the bottom. Power and Control are at the heart of abusive situations.

The Dynamics Of Domestic Violence - House of Ruth

Now, you tell me, how much abuse do you have in your situation?

BTW, get the book "Love Busters". It will give you insight into your H's behaviors and give you terminology and reasoning on why these are so wrong. This may help you to articulate to him why it is so hurtful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he blows up calling me names like: Stupid, retard, mean, manipulative, b_tch. He'll even tell me to F_ck off, go the f_ ck away.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are Angry Outbursts. They are used to get you to do what he wants regardless of how you feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'll ask him why he puts me down and he says "B/C he can".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't ask "Why?". That question raises defensiveness and will escalate the situation. Use feeling statements.

"It really hurts me when you say things like that. I would appreciate it if you would avoid calling me names and insulting me. I feel unsafe to continue the conversation. Let's take a time out and come back to this discussion when we are both calm."

Then, and this is what Jenn Harley Chalmers told me to do, btw, take a break. Remove yourself from the situation regardless of what he says. Jenn says going to the bathroom for a while is good. If you cannot get there (aka: he blocks your way or attempts to follow you) do not respond AT ALL to ANYTHING he says. He is trying to get a response. The very act of responding is reinforcing this behavior. (and NO, it is not your fault)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He alway dominates the argument with his points and wont listen to mine.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dominate...control. Your H has a control problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He'll even go to the bed room, roll over and ignore every word/ tear/ what ever else I do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is another LB (Although Dr. Harley hasn't really addressed it much or put an exact name to it. It's like a silent Angry Outburst or Disrespectful Judgement.) that is used to control the situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Nothing!So why do I need to ask how your day was. "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is another LB called a Disrespectful Judgement. "It is important to me that you show interest in my life and day to day experiences."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I look this over I know it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.But I find myself wanting to make the excuse that he's not always like this and that we do get along well and that it is just the times when we argue and he is tired that we end up like this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not a healthy relationship, and you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. He doesn't always need to be like this to be abusive. He needs to NEVER be like this in order to NOT be abusive. You making excuses for him is just enabling this behavior. You need to stop enabling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm also disappointed in myself because I appear to be playing a role of a victim,a role that I never thought I would play. Most importantly one that I don't want to play.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I hear you sister!!! My H's Batterers' Program refers to me as 'The Victim', and boy that rankles.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am looking for advice on how to stop this, how to turn this patter around and how to approach him in a way that he hears how wrong it is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can help you, but I need more information. Let me look up some links for you to threads about my situation, and the situation of others.

You can also send me an email at the email addy below. You can go to Hotmail and make up a generic anonymous email addy.

This link has some suggestions to spouse's responses. DO NOT TRY THIS UNTIL YOU ARE SKILLED AT AVOIDING LBs. I cannot stress this enough. If you LB, the whole thing just gets worse.

What is the right thing to say?

ARE YOU BEING CONTROLLED?

The following is a chapter from the book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum. The first time I read this, it had a huge impact on my life...and I've forgotten, and needed to re-read. Thought that many of you out here may also find something in this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific some villagers practice a unique form of logging. If a tree is too large to be felled with an ax, the natives cut it down by yelling at it. (Can't lay my hands on the article, but I swear I read it.) Woodsmen with special powers creep up on a tree just a dawn and suddenly scream at it at the top of their lungs. They continue this for thirty days. The tree dies and falls over. The theory is that the hollering kills the spirit of the tree. According to the villagers, it always works

Ah, those poor naive innocents. Such quaintly charming habits of the jungle. Screaming at trees, indeed. How primitive. Too bad they don't have the advantages of modern technology and the scientific mind.

Me? I yell at my wife. And I yell at the telephone and the lawn mower. And yell at the TV and the newspaper and my children. I've even been known to shake my fist and yell at the sky at times.

Man next door yells at his car a lot. And this summer I heard him yell at a stepladder for most of an afternoon. We modern, urban, educated folks yell at traffic and umpires and bills and banks and machines - especially machines. Machines and relatives get most of the yelling.

Don't know what good it does. Machines and things just sit there. Even kicking doesn't always help. As for people, well, the Solomon Islanders may have a point. Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first time I read it, I didn't yell at anybody for at least a month - or anything. Habits returned, however, but he makes a good point about yelling killing the spirit of living things....

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

dear needadviceny:

as i read your post i regressed 30+ years to a new bride deeply in love w/a husband just like yours. she thot she could/would change him over the years. she couldn't/didn't. despite her tears/pleadings/prayers he never changed. and she loved him oh so deeply. and when she was really injured and needed him most, he turned on her, calling her a rock around his neck...stuck w/her until she died...and then he had a 3-5 year affair that devastated her.

get him some help or get yourself some help to gain strength and strike out on your own. mine refused help. he was and is perfect in his mind. now i am older and left to strike out on my own. but with the help of a marvelous shrink and many friends i'm almost ready to learn to walk again.

Simmy