I am SOOO tired of hearing my mother tell me that when my H finds out that he will attempt to take our son away and show in the courts I am an unfit mom. Can my H do this? Will the courts allow him to do this? I keep telling myself that while I was wrong to have an A, that doesn't prove I am an unfit mom. I have been a stay at home mom since our son was born in Nov 98. I feel I would be an unfit mom if I kept this from my family and lied to my D on how she came to be, I feel it would have been worse if I aborted her. I kept her because I love her and my family.

Dear regretfully yours,<P>I am in no way a legal expert, but from the cases I have seen and heard of, it is almost impossible to prove a mother unfit short of serious abuse and/or drug use. Bystander probably has figures that reflect this. I would say that losing custody because of infidelity is probably not very likely.<P>You need to remember that your h's first reaction will probably be beyond bad. He will say and do things that are meant to hurt you in retaliation for the pain he feels upon finding out. BUT that is not to say that he won't come around once the news has settled in. You will have to show him that you are truly remorseful and stick to your guns about wanting to work things out. It's going to be hard on you, I'm sure, to not "strike back" verbally during his initial reaction, but it is important that you stay calm and focused on your goal of keeping your family together. It's going to take time. The important thing is that you focus on the two of you, without any outside influences, including your family and the om. Sometimes even well-meaning family members can be very disruptive to the healing process. <P>When I found out about the oc, I was so devestated and angry that I couldn't even process what my h was saying to try to make me feel better. the first thing my h said that even got through to me was that he was never going to give up on our marriage - that he would keep trying no matter what it took, to make things right with me. Just knowing that he wasn't going to throw in the towel made a lot of difference to me. Let your h know that you are going to stick it out so that the two of you can make it TOGETHER.<P>Good luck. I'll be praying for you and your family.<BR>cd

Thank you CD, I just keep hearing my mother say he can prove I am an unfit mom blah blah. I know I am not, I love my children dearly. I was wrong but I NEVER compromised my children's saftey to do what I did. I have a ?, my mother is taking our son for the weekend, she is picking him up on Friday night, I have to see if my aunt can watch my daughter. How do I bring it up that we need to talk without him wanting to know why. I mean should we talk Friday night and see if aunt can watch D and let her spend the night or take D over on Sat, know H will have started a chore by the time I get home.

<BR>RY,<P>The one sentence answer is that your mother is wrong. <P>The way the system works, a divorcing couple submits to custody evaluation, which is largely rigged so that women win primary physical custody almost all the time. This is, in fact, part of the very reason divorce rates are so high. Women are practically guaranteed to win custody cases, and by extension, a license to extort excessive "child support" from their hapless ex-husband. No wonder women file over for divorce over ninety percent of the time. The solution, by the way, is to adopt a policy of 50% joint physical custody with little or no "child support" changing hands. That neither rewards nor punishes either party.<P>All that said, infidelity in some states *can* be used against you in a divorce suit. In that case, your husband would provide DNA evidence of your infidelity and use that evidence to garner himself a favorable division of marital assets. But because the "child support" guidelines are so excessive, its probably not in his financial interest to divorce you. Any property division he'd gain would be quickly offset by paycheck extortion.<P>The status quo amounts to this: Despite the fact that you've cheated on your husband and are committing a paternity fraud on him, the financial penalties that men face are so high that your husband may not even be able to afford to divorce you. The immorality of the status quo is obvious, but that's another matter.<P>Bystander

I do not think that an A makes anyone a bad mother. You sound truly concerned.It would be very difficult for H to take child away. Not impossible....just very very difficult. I dont think my H A makes him a bad father. Hes wonderful. A lousy best friend maybe. Anyways, Im under the impression you have NOT told your H? Have you told him by know? Well good luck in all you do.