Hi all, I have been lurking on and off for about 3 weeks now?! I haven't posted in a while; only b/c there isn't much new. For the sake of the new people, and those who may not remember, my H had a 4-month affair 6/99 to 10/99 which produced a child, which was born 5/00. I found out about A, OW, OC, by receiving the child support papers in the mail 7/00. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our 3rd child. He was born in Nov.<BR>BTW, OUR son is wonderful. If you recall he was 9 lbs 6 oz and is a moose! He is only 5 1/2 months old, 19 lbs, and in 12 month clothes. He takes in baby food plus over a quart of formula a day! All he does is smile and never cries, and slept thru the night at 7 weeks. He does have horribly dry skin, but I have prescriptions for that.<BR>Now the reason for the sad smiley...I'm stuck in limbo. So much is going on in our lives and I'm stuck right where I was 9 months ago.(And i must admit he is trying and remorseful) I figured I would have been so much further or divorced by now. I can't believe recovery is taking this long!( Well, yes I can but I was hoping that it wouldn't!) here are my latest issues...<BR>~I STILL can't believe he did this.<BR>~I still blame myself, NOT for his choice to have the affair, but that he felt so unloved that he was too weak to say no to her.<BR>~When he says, “I love you” I think …then why the affair? …or Yeah right!<BR>~I don’t feel it is from my heart when I say it back, but when he is gone I miss him so…<BR>~Intimacy? Nope! The last time we were intimate (over 2 months ago) I cried (as well as every time preceding that) now it’s even hard to enjoy a kiss! Oh, but when he holds me…. that feels so good! Is all hope lost for intimacy? Will I ever be able to let him touch me again? (This is a big issue for me b/c it was our “problem area” pre-affair)<BR>~WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN OFF THE TRIGGERS???<BR>~I’m constantly living in the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” and especially the “what if” world….<BR>~And the thoughts, and fears of the OC, coming into our lives, again all the "what ifs". Right now my H does not wish contact...but what if...<BR>~I can’t stand the person I’ve become. I’m sad, obsessed, and untrusting. I go thru his things and ask questions all the time…still. And I used to be so organized!<BR>~I hate how cynical I have become. My SIL is getting married next weekend. It used to mean romance to me, now I am screaming “DON’T DO IT!!!!”<BR>~It is so hard to be happy for anyone. I hear someone is pregnant and I’m jealous b/c my last pregnancy was so bad and probably my last chance. And having his kids meant so much to me…<BR>~I resent that I have to go on anti-depressants AGAIN to get over another hurdle in my life. I thought that when I stopped after my eating disorder 7 years ago I wouldn’t need them again.<P>Now, to confuse matters more, we are moving to a state that is 9 hours away from my family, friends and therapist. This is something I have been waiting to happen for about 8 years, and but for the fact that he had the affair, I would be jumping for joy and would have been packed yesterday. And to be honest I AM excited, but scared. With all of these feelings, is it wise to do at this time? We may not have a chance like this again for another 8 years. And the choice was mine in the end. He would have stayed or went. My therapist says it is a good idea, to look at it as a chance for a new beginning.<P><BR>But now that the decision is made, the plans are drawn for the house, and the sign is up on ours, I can’t help but think…what if?<P><BR>What if I can’t feel love, true love, for him again? Or am I looking for too much? What about the lack of desire for intimacy on my part? Will I ever feel secure in my marriage to him? What about the lack of trust? AAARRRGGGHHH!!!<BR>I really don’t know what I am asking in this post. I read the posts of those of you who are so positive, in your decisions and your marriages, and I try to gather strength in that someone has survived this…all is not lost. I only hope to be there one day. I guess I needed to vent and get some of this off my chest. As usual, any help would be GREATLY appreciated =) (I don’t know how to do the smiles). I guess it’s not too good to be “lurking” for too long. My head just feels like it’s about to bust!<BR>Good-nite, and if you made it this far thanx for reading/listening!<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited April 27, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited April 27, 2001).]

NGU,<P>I am so sorry that you are stuck in limbo! I wish that I had some advice for you, but all I can offer at this time is prayers that you can move forward from this point. I can understand the feelings of triggers, as my H had an A with someone who lives on the Airforce base, and any time we go there for groceries or other stuff, I get all tense, wondering if we will bump into her.<P>I would suggest finding a new therapist as soon as possible, maybe even ask your current one if he/she knows of any in the city you are moving to, or if there is any referal service they would recommend.<P>I hope Abbi doesn't end up as big as your son! I like my baby girls petite, and her sister, who was 9 1/2 lbs at birth is now quite petite. I guess that comes from me being the shortest in my family. I am glad that your son is so healthy, and such a joy for you during this trying time.<P>Again, I will pray for you, and keep us informed.<P>Tigger

NotGivingUp....I read your post with great sadness. I feel perhaps the way you found out was the worst thing possible.<P>I can't even imagine being pregnant and finding out.<P><BR>It doesn't seem as if therapy has taken you very far. Maybe with the move you will find another therapist who will help you through everything. As far as anti-depressants...I'm on them too...I take anti-anxiety pills to sleep.<P>Ow is due any day now. We are both scared.<P>I also think hormones after pregnancy have a lot to do with how you feel.<BR>Your baby sounds adorable! You are so lucky to have such a healthy baby.<P>Have you tried prayer? It helps me a lot. I give it to the Lord and trust he will take things over for me. When I feel overwhelmed, like prayers aren't being answered, I think of the "Footprints" prayer. When you only see one set of footprints in the sand it is when the load is so heavy the Lord carries you. He's always there to listen.<P>Go on and move with H. He's where he WANTS to be. It sounds like he is being patient. And remorseful. <P>If your name means what it says....don't give up just yet.<P>I hope you are doing better today.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited April 27, 2001).]

NGU,<BR>I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Really, it hasn't been even a year yet, right? so it's still pretty early for you. I remember feelings so much the same! Have you discussed your feelings freely with your counselor?? Have you read my recent post to "newbies"? Do you have any of the recovery books and following any of their recovery ideas? <P>Prayers, hugs, and angels to you,<BR>J

Dear Not Giving Up,<P>I have lost count of the days I feel as you.<BR>Knowing about the infidelity and the other child<BR>has changed a part of me that I am trying to come<BR>to terms with. I understand your frustration over<BR>how you have changed. I can relate when you said<BR>how you react when your h says I love you...<BR>I hope the uneasy feelings will pass in time for you<BR>(and all of us). <BR>Moving sounds ideal!! <BR>That might get you kick-started in the right direction.<BR>By the way, your little boy sounds so healthy!!<BR>Our 3rd son is growing like a weed, too. He is almost<BR>as big as our d (who is one yr older)!<BR>I just wanted you to know that everything you said<BR>explains the way I am also. I look at some of the<BR>women here who have found peace again and I know it<BR>can happen for all of us, it is a long road.<BR>Take good care and give those adorable kids a big hug.<BR>Oh, I know what you mean about hugs from H, very<BR>reassuring. love, fluke

NGU... I am glad to hear from you & how things have gone since birth of baby. He sounds so sweet! My boys were both big (10 lb 5oz and then 9lb 14oz) and ate like pigs! i had such fun nursing them. Was just one of the most special times in my life.<P>I want to spend some time on my response to you, but at this minute must run out the door to dentist (temporary crown fell off... how funny I look!). Will respond later today. I so very much know how you feel on a lot of these issues. But I did get on medication last fall (fighting it every step). I felt so very much like a failure for doing so. But I feel better now & it isn't because of the meds. Instead.. it is because of the ability to think clearly that the meds provided. So don't be scared of that. If your feelings are getting in the way of you being a whole parent (and I was definately at that point last fall) then you need to take care of that. Your kids need you functioning. Ok? <P>You take care of you & that big boy! Will be back later... Carolyn

NGU... boy I got lost this weekend. But I did want to give time to my response. <P>It nagged me so much about what all I did to contribute to the neglect of our marriage. But you know what? I did not go out and take inappropriate action just because my marriage wasn't all I expected it to be. That is NOT your fault. On top of that, guilt is not supposed to overwhelm and take over your life. It is supposed to job you into assessing what it is you are felling guilt over and then.... move on to fix it. Otherwise, it is just a pity party. <P>The triggers are only things that you let them be. Dates, places, things... Turn them into triggers about good times or other things. I still have a few triggers, but not many. <P>Do not allow this "thing" that has happened turn you into anything other than the beautiful person you know you are. Feeling resentment or cynical about pregnancies or marriages of others is a sign that OW has control over you. She has changed you for the worse. Please don't ever give her that power. <P>I don't know what advise I have about intimacy. I only know that for me, it stems out of love and respect and laughter. Those things are hard to gather up when you are in pain. But... if you have to just dream up a fantasy of your own to fill up that space in your head that is letting pain creep in. Pretend something crazy (top of World Trade Center, on a subway, ah... who knows...). Anyway, it is ok in my book to use whatever tools and tricks you can to get yourself whole. Once you are back to physical intimacy, I bet a lot of the other stuff (respect, joy, love) will start flowing back.<P>A lot of this has to do with Plan A type stuff. Plan A may be a whole lot of acting for some of us, but you know what... if you start acting in a certain way you eventually find it is a habit and natural. Plan A is about being happy and giving yourself the gift of being free from some of the pain. <P>How are you doing today? Anything getting better? Carolyn

NGU, i'm soooo glad you're back. the last time we spoke it was in the chat room.<P>i agree with some of the points made in the previous posts in this thread. and i think we talked about some of them that night we chatted.<P>you have got to stop letting that OW ruin your happiness. get her out of your head and out of your bedroom. all we could ever hope for is to have H's who are remorseful and willing to try. you have that. i have that and so many other's here too. embrace that fact and do whatever it takes to seize what's rightfully yours:<P>happiness<BR>love<BR>sex<BR>intimacy<BR>joy<BR>laughter<BR>peace<BR>comfort<BR>trust<P>they are all yours and there for the taking. but you have to TAKE it. no one is going to give it to you. and if that means taking meds to put you in the frame of mind to TAKE it, then so be it. <P>this advice is for you and LSB. pull up that fight from the bottom of your gut and grab ahold of your future and shape it to be what you want it to be. i know you both have it in you.<P>bring you sadness and worries here. we will help you through it. let your husband see the fight in your eyes, it'll make him want to fight just as hard or harder.<P>what great things can happen in a marriage when both partners are fighting with all they got? don't you want to know? i know i do, and that's what keeps me going every day. i want to know what it's going to be like when we get to that special place in our relationship. don't you?<P>keep posting sweetheart. we are here for you,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

zebrababy, I will try and fight and work on marriage from my gut. You are right. I am tired of my life being controlled by my thoughts of OW/OC/A/fear. I need to have some days that all does not control me. I am getting off the site now to work-and stop focusing on this for a while.thanks you for your support.

UP for NGU, LSB, wishing and praying for you. Stay strong, we are here when you need us.<P>

zebra,<BR>You sure are wise, I'm glad your back with us. with love flowerseed

flowerseed,<P>thank you for the compliment, but you know... i only feel "wise" when i'm having good days. boy i wish i could self talk myself through some of my tougher ones. that's one of the reasons i come here to get you wise women to talk me out of my slumps. yes, i consider you one of the wise ones too. <P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.