Surviving an affair is one thing. But surviving an affair when the OW gives birth to the child that you wanted is quite another. The pain of betrayal is bad enough. How do I cope with the fact that the woman whom he betrayed me with is the mother of his only son (an honor that I dreamed of and hoped for) and now both she and the child will be a part of his life and therefore of my life for the next 17 years?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment of the the beautiful gift that he betowed upon her?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment that she not only had him but now has the right to be the mother of his son?<BR>How do I not resent the child or keep him from being a constant reminder of the fact that I was betrayed?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment that I will have to change my lifestyle and work outside of the home in order to help him support this child?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment that he will now have less time for me and will have less finances to do things with me just because of this child? (Kiss any plans of taking a romantic vacation to help rebuild our relationship good-bye.)<BR>Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of resentment.<BR>Help!!!!!<BR>We see an attorney Monday before court to establish child support. He wants to file for joint custody to help reduce the payments.<BR>I guess he not only expects me to deal with his cheating (third time by the way, not only expects me to accept the fact that he gave her the honor of being the mother of his child, but he also expects me to help raise the child that is the result of that betrayal.<BR>I have a loving heart, or I wouldn't still be trying to save our relationship........but I am only human!!<BR>The point that I am at in my recovery right now is still wishing that she and her child would both disapear off the face of the earth!!!<BR>He keeps telling me to just forget what happened and move on with life. How can I with this constant reminder of how he treated me and my love for him?<BR>The child turned one year old two days ago.<BR>He has never even seen him.<BR>Denied that the chid was even his until the results of the paternity test came back.<BR>He has expressed no desire to see him to me.<BR>How long will that last???<BR>And I know that I have no right to even ask him not to see his son.<BR>We are doing lessons from Dr. Harley's columns. Can't afford counseling.<BR>Dr. Harley says to break all ties with the lover.<BR>How do you do that when one of the ties is a child??<BR>Sorry this is so long.<BR>Had a whole lot to get off my chest.<BR>Right now this child that he shares with his lover has just about destroyed all hope and dreams of ever getting beyond his betrayal and having a healthy meaningful relationship.<BR>When you are out of hope and have lost your dreams, everything looks pretty dismal.<BR>Can anyone out there relate to or understand how and what I feel?<BR>Am I an ogre for feeling what I feel?<BR>

Hi, Sorry I can't offer you much help because I myself am having a hard time dealing with my H's ow and oc, the oc in my case just turned 5 on April 21 and H has seen oc a few times but does not want to anymore which I admit does help a bit, but still having a hard time, the trust thing is what gets me down it is real hard to live with someone you can't trust, I to wish they would both just disapear but with my luck they won't, I hope this place helps you because I was so happy to find it and know I was not the only one, ( sorry about that I am not happy you all are going through it)Anyway welcome!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Freedom Hawk:<BR><B>Surviving an affair is one thing. But surviving an affair when the OW gives birth to the child that you wanted is quite another. The pain of betrayal is bad enough. How do I cope with the fact that the woman whom he betrayed me with is the mother of his only son (an honor that I dreamed of and hoped for) and now both she and the child will be a part of his life and therefore of my life for the next 17 years?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment of the the beautiful gift that he betowed upon her?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment that she not only had him but now has the right to be the mother of his son?<BR>How do I not resent the child or keep him from being a constant reminder of the fact that I was betrayed?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment that I will have to change my lifestyle and work outside of the home in order to help him support this child?<BR>How do I overcome the resentment that he will now have less time for me and will have less finances to do things with me just because of this child? (Kiss any plans of taking a romantic vacation to help rebuild our relationship good-bye.)<BR>Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of resentment.<BR>Help!!!!!<BR>We see an attorney Monday before court to establish child support. He wants to file for joint custody to help reduce the payments.<BR>I guess he not only expects me to deal with his cheating (third time by the way, not only expects me to accept the fact that he gave her the honor of being the mother of his child, but he also expects me to help raise the child that is the result of that betrayal.<BR>I have a loving heart, or I wouldn't still be trying to save our relationship........but I am only human!!<BR>The point that I am at in my recovery right now is still wishing that she and her child would both disapear off the face of the earth!!!<BR>He keeps telling me to just forget what happened and move on with life. How can I with this constant reminder of how he treated me and my love for him?<BR>The child turned one year old two days ago.<BR>He has never even seen him.<BR>Denied that the chid was even his until the results of the paternity test came back.<BR>He has expressed no desire to see him to me.<BR>How long will that last???<BR>And I know that I have no right to even ask him not to see his son.<BR>We are doing lessons from Dr. Harley's columns. Can't afford counseling.<BR>Dr. Harley says to break all ties with the lover.<BR>How do you do that when one of the ties is a child??<BR>Sorry this is so long.<BR>Had a whole lot to get off my chest.<BR>Right now this child that he shares with his lover has just about destroyed all hope and dreams of ever getting beyond his betrayal and having a healthy meaningful relationship.<BR>When you are out of hope and have lost your dreams, everything looks pretty dismal.<BR>Can anyone out there relate to or understand how and what I feel?<BR>Am I an ogre for feeling what I feel?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> you have the right to feel any way that you want, you were the betrayed one. You really need more time to heal. How long have you known about the OC? i am a little confused you say your husband doesn't want to be apart of the OC life but wants joint custody? If he gets the joint custody and doesn't do "his time" with the OC than the Ow will just take him back to court and it will keep dragging on. I really think he needs to decide what he wants to do, what is legal, and what YOU can handle. Prayers are with you.<P>

Dear Fizzpop <BR>Thanks for your reply. It helps knowing that I am not alone. Not much, but it helps. And you are so right about the trust thing. He gets upset when I can't and its like.....hey fool.....would YOU trust you if you were in my shoes????<BR>And yet more than anything I would like to be able to trust again.

i'm so sorry to have to welcome you to our club. many, many of us are feeling your pain and have been there, some more recently than others.<P>what you are feeling is perhaps the worst of it. for now everything is so raw and new. the best news i, or anyone else can give you is that it gets better with time. <P>you will undoubtedly have bouts of pain and disappointment. and they usually come when you're feeling the best. but know that healing does come.<P>your first task in this aweful card game you were dealt is to deal with your marriage. for the moment you must cast all thoughts of OC/OW out of your mind and deal with the issues of your marriage, it's breakdown and how you two will repair it. <P>you said that you two are taking Harley courses. That's a great start. You must also talk, and I mean talk lots. Develop a plan that you two want to mend your marriage and get back on the right track. Then and only then can you tackle the awesome situation of the OC/OW.<P>There are many beautiful people here who will hold your hand through the ups and downs. I personally couldn't have made it without them. I hope to be one of the people that holds your hand.<P>And one last thought. Do know that those feelings of anger and resentment are normal. We all experience them, the trick is to figure out what it is to make them go away. I personally let my H know when they are present and he busts his but to make me feel loved and wanted. Eventually I let go of them and soak up the love he's giving. I have a friend who is in our situation and she goes to the gym and wants to be left alone. Her H understands this and respects it. Figure out what works for you. And let H know. <P>Please continue to read and post. There are many insiprational stories on this board. They will help you.<P>p.s. weekends are pretty slow on the board, so don't expect a bunch of replies until the week starts. Hang in there dear.<P>Best wishes,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.<p>[This message has been edited by zebrababy (edited April 27, 2001).]

First off thank you to those of you who have replied. I reached out in anguish and found hands that reached back to me. God bless!!<BR>Brief history and some answers.<BR>8/97 Our first date on his boat which then became our special place according to him.<BR>3/98 He invited his old girlfriend down to the boat for some fun. Ended up being a once a month thing according to her. She is the one who told me what was going on when I called her number which I found on our cell phone. He was seeing her at least once a month Mar-Sept.<BR>9/98 Caught him giving evening boat ride to gal from work when he had told me that he was taking his dad out on the boat. They both said nothing happened but a betrayal in my book none the less.<BR>I found out about old girlfriend 11/98<BR>I am sorry...will never happen again....please give me another chance....<BR>5/99 Started seeing mother of his child. Took her on evening boat rides and served her wine. Why?? He was mad at me because I didn't trust him and always asked where he was and who he was with.<BR>She was on the boat 4 times with him. The last time 9/99 when she told him she was expecting his child. Two weeeks later I called another number found on cell phone bill and got the wonderful news from her mother.<BR>He denied the child was his.<BR>5/2000 Found hidden email account and letter from woman who told him how badly she wanted to have sex with him. He says he has no idea what ever gave her the idea that he was interested in her in that way.<BR>10/2000 I exchanged emails with another woman he was emailing. She sent me copies of his emails to her. I wish he would say those kind of things to me. I need to hear stuff like that!!<BR>Says he did the email thing to prove that he could be trusted. Wanted to show me that he could get women interested in him and then he could turn them down. <BR>Any comments on that???????<BR>1/2001 Got results of paternity test. Child is his.<BR>Someone told him child support would be less if he had joint custody. Do not know how he feels about seeing his son as he does not want to talk about any of it. "Its in the past, forget it and move on." He says I live in the past. I just try to deal with the present results of the past. <BR>5/30 Court date to establish child support.<BR>He was not even going to get an attorney until I asked him point blank "What are you going to do, just lay on your back and let her **** you again??"<BR>We are not married, so I have absolutely no legal protection. <BR>And yes she did know about me before she got pregnant. She was a receptionist where he worked and she admitted to me that she remembers talking to me on the phone one day when I called for him. I refer to myself as his wife because that is how he always introduces me. So she knew before she ever got envolved. And then she was told by friends that she worked with that he had a wife. She told her mother that she didn't know. <BR>Anyway, thats my story.<BR>

Hey again, I know how you feel like when they say you are living in the past, and that special place yep know that one two, kinda makes you wonder if men really have any feelings at all, the oc thing well our dna test came back 99.02% which leaves alot of room for error and dna can only prove someone is not the father not who only a probability so who knows and I really do not care because if he decides to see oc again and put me through the hell he has one more time I will leave him, and the ow knew about me for along time she actually had a massive crush on my h when she was 14 and would not leave him alone even then, when she was 20 she went after him and that was 7 years ago the oc is 5 now and she still wants him even told him she would look after him if he moved in with her and her c and mother, all the time she has known about me, even now she has no friends because she sleeps with their boyfriends, a real piece of work I tell ya, I put her on hot or not and she got a rating of 1.4 after over 4000 people rated her lol, oh and yes she got pregnant on purpose thinking h would leave me for her, well I don't think so, I hope this board is good for you!

I think it will help knowing that I am not the only one who feels the terrible things that I do. And more than anything it is wonderful to be able to express my feelings and be understood!!<BR>I don't think that anyone who has not been through it can even begin to understand. Have compassion yes, understanding no.<BR>So many friends have asked why I am even still here.<BR>Why?<BR>Because even without the good old marriage license, I believe in the meaning of commitment.<BR>Part of that is not turning tail and running when things get tough. <BR>When you pledge your love and devotion to a person you stand by them no matter what. <BR>I have heard about emotional abuse, deserving better, not being used, ect. ect. ect.<BR>And yet none of those well meaning friends have stood where I have stood. None of them truly understand what I must face each and every day. Even he does not understand although I do try to openly and honestly express what I am feeling to him. That is when I am told that I live in the past. I need to just forget about it and move on.<BR>He doesn't care to talk about it and makes me feel guilty for feeling the things that I feel. Probably because it makes him feel guilty. Who likes to feel guilty. Yet each of us needs to face and deal with the damage we create in the life of another. He has trouble accepting that fact.<BR>I also believe in the example set by my Lord. Forgive as I have been forgiven.<BR>Forgetting is the hard part.<BR>The pain I still carry in my heart is a constant reminder.<BR>They say time heals all wounds.<BR>I pray for the time when it no longer hurts to love.<BR>I pray for the time when I can love with trust.<BR>I also know that that may not ever happen, as another persons actions and responses has a great affect on that possibility.<BR>That is one of the chances I take by staying and giving him yet another chance.<BR>Good Night, God Bless, it sure is nice not to feel so alone!!

Freedom Hawk,<BR>No you are not alone you will find your feelings are what we all have felt or are still feeling. We are going on 2yrs recovery and it does really get better it just takes a lot of actions on h part to prove that they can be trusted again. I dont think they realize how one little thing they say or do can set us right back. The oc is 1/1/2 yrs old and we have no contact she gets her weekly paycheck nothing more. So sorry you have to be dealing with this mess you will find that you came to the right place for help. With love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Freedom Hawk:<BR><B>I think it will help knowing that I am not the only one who feels the terrible things that I do. And more than anything it is wonderful to be able to express my feelings and be understood!!<BR>I don't think that anyone who has not been through it can even begin to understand. Have compassion yes, understanding no.<BR>So many friends have asked why I am even still here.<BR>Why?<BR>Because even without the good old marriage license, I believe in the meaning of commitment.<BR>Part of that is not turning tail and running when things get tough. <BR>When you pledge your love and devotion to a person you stand by them no matter what. <BR>I have heard about emotional abuse, deserving better, not being used, ect. ect. ect.<BR>And yet none of those well meaning friends have stood where I have stood. None of them truly understand what I must face each and every day. Even he does not understand although I do try to openly and honestly express what I am feeling to him. That is when I am told that I live in the past. I need to just forget about it and move on.<BR>He doesn't care to talk about it and makes me feel guilty for feeling the things that I feel. Probably because it makes him feel guilty. Who likes to feel guilty. Yet each of us needs to face and deal with the damage we create in the life of another. He has trouble accepting that fact.<BR>I also believe in the example set by my Lord. Forgive as I have been forgiven.<BR>Forgetting is the hard part.<BR>The pain I still carry in my heart is a constant reminder.<BR>They say time heals all wounds.<BR>I pray for the time when it no longer hurts to love.<BR>I pray for the time when I can love with trust.<BR>I also know that that may not ever happen, as another persons actions and responses has a great affect on that possibility.<BR>That is one of the chances I take by staying and giving him yet another chance.<BR>Good Night, God Bless, it sure is nice not to feel so alone!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> freedom, are you willing to have joint cutody? The evaluation that may go along with it, the child ion your home on a regular basis? if you are my hat is off to you, if not than my hat is still off to you.<P>

No, whatif, I am not ready to have this child in my home at this time.<BR>Why?<BR>Because at this time I know that I would resent him.<BR>Until I can welcome him into my home without resentment and with loving arms than he does not belong here.<BR>If a day comes when I can reach my arms out to him with total love and acceptance then yes he should be with people that can give him that kind of love. <BR>Right now is not that time.<BR>A lot of what I deal with is the guilt for feeling such resentment and almost hatred towards an innocent child who had absolutely no choice in what happened. I try to look at him and I as both being the innocents that have a price to pay for the selfishness of his parents.<BR>But the pain is still too fresh for me to be very successful at doing that.<BR>He is an innocent child and needs to be loved and accepted as WHO he is, not looked upon as being the undesired result of two people stupid selfish actions.<BR>Until that happens he does not belong in our home. I don't care how much money it might save!!<BR>I know at this time that to see him would just tear my heart out. First because of how he came into being. Second because I wanted him so badly and she got him.<BR>I have a reacurring nightmare where I am holding our baby. She comes along, grabs the baby from my arms and throws him in the river and then laughs.<BR>Am I ready to accept her child into my home??<BR>I think not!!

freedomhawk, i know what you mean. I am not accepting the OC at all, and after H had this parallel delusional life with OW after birth of child, he had some contact with child prior to telling me of OW/A./OC 2 months ago.AFter a lot of pain between us, tears, and painful episodes in couples counseling, I told him for him to have any contact with OC would mean I would file for divorce.The threat of what that child represents to me-a whole other life H created with OC( although I blame her for not agreeing to abortion) was so catastrophic for me and our two young kids that I was willing to give up more than 20 years with him to protect me and my kids. I do not want to tell my kids ever of what H has done and existence of child, although OW felt initially her child should not be denied access to H and my kids as she refers to as siblings. Over my dead body!! If I have to, I will tell my kids when they are adults and hopefully have more time as adults and time with father to forgive him, because right now I see telling them as hurting them and not doing anything good for them.Right now we have no contact, never will as long as H agrees to my request to save our marriage. I told him deep down I will never change my mind, cannot open my life to child, cannot have him open his life to her separate from us either, as that would be a continuation of life he did away from us, which even he admits was wrong, stupid, reckless, and his real life was with me and our two kids.So he will have to pay price of not having life with that child, like he gave her up for adoption.OUr therapist says hopefully OW will do right by child and find man to parent child, I hope so but fear she is so caught up in H being father she will not do it.As someone else says, I hope she moves out of our area. IF we could do it easily, I would as well.If I do not stop and start healing in a year, I will move if I have to. You are in my thoughts, sorry you have to deal with this as the rest of us.

Welcome. I am so sorry for your pain. But I will be very frank with you. Not to hurt you, but hopefully to get you asking yourself some tough questions and and focusing on YOU and your self respect.<P>First... for this to survive this man MUST start being honest. He seems to be less that 100% in that area. Now most of the spouses in this forum do have that "less than 100%" trait... in your case it may be more of a cronic condition as opposed to a blip along the way. You need to assess that factor. Once that is done, then you can start making decisions on how to move forward. But again... the VERY FIRST decision is SHOULD you move forward, or just move on.<P>I agree on commitment and that it is a lost or lacking value. You seem to have it. Problem is, it is a one sided commitment. That makes for a terrible partnership. And marriage and raising children is a partnership. You state that you are not married. I do not see where you mention children. <P>So I will do a rare thing and suggest that you back away from this man. A woman with your values is wasted on someone who would treat you this way. This effort of holding together a relationship under all this strain is HARD WORK on both parties. Something tells me it will be you doing all the work and him sitting back. If I had your situation I would tell him today that he has missed an excellent opportunity with a good woman. Then do not talk to him. I gues this would be a jump to Plan B. At that point he will either start working harder at honesty and commitment, or he will show true colors. <P>Keep posting. Take care of yourself. Respect yourself. There are too many VERY GOOD men out there who would cherish you and your values. Carolyn <p>[This message has been edited by takingcare (edited April 30, 2001).]