Just got back from 3 days away at a work conference. H missed me, but I just feel sad and unhappy. This whole affair/oc thing really preyed on my mind while I was away. HOw do you all deal with this? H just made a date for us tomorrow, he said he missed me, but I feel so tense. I just feel so threatened by this whole situation. I feel like I will never be myself again, never feel calm, happy, safe. I feel as if the OW will one day show up and force the OC onto my family and destroy my beautiful children. I do not want that. I am angry at her, angry her selfish desire for a child has tainted my life with my kids. I hate the CS payments we pay, hate the feelings I carry with me daily which feel strained and tension making for me. What can I do to rid myself of these feelings? What can I do to reconnect with H? I need help.

ISB I'm so glad you're home safe.<BR>I pray for you all the time.<P>I have no simple answers but someone will be along with encouragement....<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

lsb,<BR>Time is the only answer I can give you. No matter how much I wanted to feel diffrent I just couldnt. I felt just as you do for almost 2yrs I have just began to feel better I still have bad days but they are not at all like it was. Hugs help when your feeling so bad that you think you cant do this anymore tell your h you need a hug or look at your children and see how wonderful they are and say they are worth all this pain I can do it. I wish so much for a magic wand that would speed things up but there just isnt. It just takes time for your h and you to work through this in order for it to get better. With time you will be able to build new memories so you can put the bad behind. I know you think how can I ever get over this but you really can, when I was feeling as you do I never thought it could be possible but believe me it is. Give your family all a great big hugg and hang in there I hope your feeling better today. with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by flowerseed:<BR><B>lsb,<BR>Time is the only answer I can give you. No matter how much I wanted to feel diffrent I just couldnt. I felt just as you do for almost 2yrs I have just began to feel better I still have bad days but they are not at all like it was. Hugs help when your feeling so bad that you think you cant do this anymore tell your h you need a hug or look at your children and see how wonderful they are and say they are worth all this pain I can do it. I wish so much for a magic wand that would speed things up but there just isnt. It just takes time for your h and you to work through this in order for it to get better. With time you will be able to build new memories so you can put the bad behind. I know you think how can I ever get over this but you really can, when I was feeling as you do I never thought it could be possible but believe me it is. Give your family all a great big hugg and hang in there I hope your feeling better today. with love flowerseed </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> Flowerseed, do you have any children? Have you told them about the OC or do you plan to? I am debating different things but I know I must tell my son, i know the Oc will show up the Ow has no problems telling other people who the father is(I bet that 99% of OW tell others just to take another jab at the marriage, i know the Ow is going to tell her child about my son so i am definately going to tell my child brfore her hears it or "meets" the Oc. I picture the Ow bringing the Oc someplace she knows my son will be. How many people have never told their children and do you really think your kids won't find out or that the Ow won't make sure your kids find out? i am still debating I guess. I am not ready to type my whole story yet but i would really appreciate people's answres to what they have/haven't told their kids.<P>

whatif?,<BR>Yes we have a 5yr old well almost 6 next week nobody knows about ow or about oc.It is something I have been very ashamed of and dont want anybody to know. I dont plan on telling her until she is an adult this is not something she needs to know about. The oc is a boy I know one day he will show up on the door step we'll just have to deal with that when the time comes. I dont have any answers to when or how to tell your child everyone is diffrent. I just know this would distroy our little girl so for now until we feel she is ready to know nothing will be said. I'm hoping an allian space ship will come and take ow and her child far far away. with love flowerseed <p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited April 28, 2001).]

LSB, I'm sooooooo sorry your post almost slipped past me. I would have died if I couldn't give you a big cyberhug.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ L S B }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Ah sweetie, I too wish I had some magic wand, surely I'd lend it out to every single one on this site. Or maybe I'd rent it! (just a little jokie-joke) Did I make you smile?<P>Well, you know what I do when I'm feeling like you are. I do two things. The second thing I do is switch the pillows on the bed so when I go to bed it smells like my H on my side. But the first thing I do is tuck my head deep into my husband's chest and let him put his strong arms around me. Somehow, even if we are in the middle of the worst arguement, I feel better there. <P>I hope you are feeling better soon. Please know the intensity of these feelings won't last forever. It will fade in time.<P>Keep us posted,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

lsb, i have to agree with everyone that time is the key here. the pain is so intense at first, i remember it vividly when i think back to the time i was so hurt. but it lessens with time. it has come back for me only when we have had to deal with an issue like the recent child support hearing, etc. but it is never like it was at first. <P>you will be the person you once were, only stronger because of what you have had to deal with and overcome. give your H a chance to make things up to you. if he is anything like most H's, he feels terrible about what he has done, and the pain he causes you. don't squash the good things he tries to do for you. you kind of have to start over. making new memories, etc. let him take you out. it might be what you guys need to help start reconnecting and rebuilding your marriage. <P>"this to will pass", one of my favorite sayings. it will, i am sure of it. everything takes time. don't expect it all just to go away in a week or a month. it is a process of healing. accepting what life has dealt you, and moving on.<P>take care. my prayers for you.<P>happy_girl

thanks for all suggestions. My H took me out on a date sat.night, arranged the babysitting, etc. but I still feel so awkward with him at times. I know him so well, he talks as if nothing has happened, and I feel sick inside just chit chatting. When I don't act care free and ready to just have a great time together, he feels as if his efforts are wasted and not responded to. What a dilemna!I know he wishes he could erase all he has done to me the last 3 years, realizes he made a huge mistake, loves me and wants to be with me, but it is so hard to go on. My joy in life has lifted from me. WE came back from the date and I was sad and not happy-didn't make my H want to plan another one, and who could blame him? Plus, the movie we saw involved a brief affair-bothered the heck out of me. I can't watch any movie with this in it now, do not think it is funny at all.Anyway, give me suggestions how you all heal when you are feeling pulled-loving the H who betrayed you but still upset for the horror and sense of betrayal of it all. I need more suggestions-and thanks everyone for the cyber hugs.WE all need more of them!

LSB, sweetie the one thing i thought of when i read your most recent post was how your husband is going to respond to you when you continue to push him away. <P>i remember reading a post a long while back and someone was talking about how when you continue to pine over what happened the WS starts to pull away from the BS. They become overwhelmed in guilt about the pain they've caused. Then when you finally do come around the WS has regressed so far into his guilt that he/she can't pull himself out to make the efforts towards mending the marriage. It's like if you kick them when they are down eventually they loose their will to get back up. I worry that your pushing your H away and not allow his efforts to be appreciated will cause him to eventually stop trying. This could be disasterous if your final goal is to mend your marriage. <P>I know it's hard. For a long time I wanted to scream and kick him for what he's done to us and our family, but at some point I realized that I have to truely forgive him and move past it all. That doesn't mean that I don't have my slips where I fall into depression or anger, but it's the minority of the time, not the majority, and he's better equiped to handle those slips. He realizes when I'm in that funky spot that he just needs to love me hard for a little while and I'll come out of it. We've discussed it and I told him exactly what to do and how to handle me when I get there. It makes the down times not so tramatic.<P>Baby I know it's hard not to feel so down about what's happened, but somehow you need to try and focus on what you want and work towards it. I even faked it in the beginning so that there'd be less friction between us. After a while I wasn't faking anymore and I was really enjoying him again. <P>You need to let him know that his efforts aren't in vain. Concentrate and focus on your goal of mending. I swear someday in the near future you will realize that this bump in your path to happiness will bring you closer together because you made it. You marriage could very well be stronger and healthier because of it. <P>It took me a long time to truely believe that. But I know it now. I know that my H and I communicate ten times better than we ever have. I'm sooooo much more aware of how he feels and what he's all about. I really believe that the years before this all happened we were going through the motions of being married. Neither one of us realized how much work it takes to be happy in a marriage. Both of us assumed that it would just happen.<P>Honey hold onto what you've got. A remorseful H is the biggest blessing in this mess that you could ask for. So many men out there do what our H's done and don't give a damn about how we feel. <P>If your H truely loves you and has chosen to stay, love him and allow him back in your heart. It's the only way it'll work out for the best.<P>Please write me back and tell me what you feel about what I've written.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

LSB, i want you to read my response to Not Giving Up's thread titled Getting Out Of Limbo.<P>There's a message to you in it.<P>Hugs,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

zebrababy, you are right. I probably am pushing him away, just like you said. He is working hard for us, but at times I am lukewarm to what he is doing. He has a hard time telling me what he feels, but shows it in many ways. AS I try to rebuild or sex life which he felt lacking from me, I want him to open up to me emotionally, and change that for me, but he has a hard time with that.Sometimes when he get angry he just turns away, makes me mad when I want to thrash it out and get over it. But I need to open myself up to him again. you are right, a remorseful betrayer helps, and my H is remorseful. He is doing all I ask and more, I just need to open up to that possibility of us being happy again.Thanks for your words. Keep sending them to me.By the way, how long were you married prior to A-ages of kids, age of OC-I forget your exact situation.

I'm sooooooo glad my words got through to you. Please continue with that attitude of your last post. Struggle, fight, bite to save that marriage.<P>We were married 4 years. I got pregnant back in '95 and we married after the baby in '96. Never had a true marriage, just going through the motions. D-day was two days after my b-day Dec 2000. Baby was 8mths. at the time. OW got pregnant 3 months after our second born daughter who is two now. this should jog your memory, my OW was a daycare worker at my daughter's day care.<P>We are still fighting the fight, some days better than others. Sometimes I have to read my own posts for strength! <P>Stay strong,<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

zebrababy, now I remember your story, your hint helped. I do appreciate all your words, stay in forum, I need you, and cdcollins, and heavenly, and all of you, jenny,e tc. I am going to get off now, try to make dinner for H before he gets home and serve it with a smile. That has to make it better for us tonight! Talk tomorrow, probably-will try anyway.