A week ago today I found out that my H had an A and a child was produced. THe OC is about 1 1/2 years old. This all happened when I was pregnant with our first child (21 months old), and during what I thought was the most romantic and special time of our relationship.<BR>I had NO idea. I was totally blown away - only found out because one of OW's girlfriends called me. .. . she thought I should know. I confronted OW and she confirmed that the story was true, but that my husband loves me and I should not leave him. She is the LAST person I want to get advice from. She is not even attractive, which makes this whohle thing even harder for me to understand. She is an old girlfriend from H past. <BR>I am 5 months pregnant. . . .can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying. I can not believe he did this to me. I thought my marriage was just about as close to perfect as you can get. All of my friends have told me what the perfect couple they think we are. .. . and I thought so too. <BR>The OW and OC will be in our lives forever. . . . . . how can I possibly start the healing process when I know that they will always be part of our family. She has not yet asked for cs, but I suspect that is right around the corner. I would rather adopt the oc than have to deal with visitation, cs payments, etc. <BR>I would like H to get an attorney. Is there such a thing as signing over all paternal rights?

ann99, I'm so sorry for you. My goodness I hope you are taking vitamins for baby.<BR>I understand all you feel.<BR>It's natural to feel that way.<P>I'm sure others who have been through this will be along soon. Our oc not here yet. Due in 3 days!<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear ann,<BR>In my state, as in many others, the father can only sign off on paternal rights if there is another person willing to adopt the child and take over the responsibility. I have been through the laws left and right looking for a loophole, but there isn't one that I can find. I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But you should know that if your h does indeed sign anything giving up his rights to the oc, he will likely still have to pay cs, if ow decideds to pursue it. You really need to get a good attourney right away who can tell you about your rights in your state.<P>I am so sorry that you find yourself in these circumstances. In our case, oc and my second child are also very close in age, and when I found out for sure of oc's existance, I was pregnant with our third son. <P>I'm having a bit of an off day, so I can't find the words to offer more help on the emotional aspects, but I am sure some of the lovely people here will be chiming in soon, too.<P>cd

Dear Ann, <BR>I should have included this in my first reply, but like I said, I'm having an off day.<P>If you think that ow is about to file for cs, the first thing you should probably do is file for cs for yourself to beat her to the punch. That way, you get first cut of your husband's pay. This put her second in line and reduce the amount she is entitled to. yes, I know you and your h are still together, but you can still file for cs. If you want to know how, just ask and I will explain. <P>If you don't file before her, the courts aren't even going to consider the fact that you and your h also have a child/children to support. Trust me, you need to be aggressive NOW.<P>Second, if you are indeed willing to get custody of this child, I suggest your h file for custody right away. Again, you want to beat her to the punch and put her on the defensive. By taking the first steps, you will knock ow off balance. Otherwise, she will be the one in control. The laws are set up to protect HER, not you or your marriage, so unless you are willing to be aggressive, you can count on getting screwed left and right by the court system.<BR>Good luck. <BR>cd

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cdcollins:<BR><B>Dear Ann, <BR>I should have included this in my first reply, but like I said, I'm having an off day.<P>If you think that ow is about to file for cs, the first thing you should probably do is file for cs for yourself to beat her to the punch. That way, you get first cut of your husband's pay. This put her second in line and reduce the amount she is entitled to. yes, I know you and your h are still together, but you can still file for cs. If you want to know how, just ask and I will explain. <P>If you don't file before her, the courts aren't even going to consider the fact that you and your h also have a child/children to support. Trust me, you need to be aggressive NOW.<P>Second, if you are indeed willing to get custody of this child, I suggest your h file for custody right away. Again, you want to beat her to the punch and put her on the defensive. By taking the first steps, you will knock ow off balance. Otherwise, she will be the one in control. The laws are set up to protect HER, not you or your marriage, so unless you are willing to be aggressive, you can count on getting screwed left and right by the court system.<BR>Good luck. <BR>cd</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> That is not always the case. I have been told(I am not an expert so check with a lawyer, i have learned to put a disclaimer on this board) that in my state each child has equal access to a fathers money in cases of child support(if you stay married and don't file for child support than yes they really do not concider his other children)<BR>So if you don't file now but do file down the road most likely the Ow support would be lowered to componsate for your cs claim. Where the first come first serve comes into play in my state is with alimony not cs. This may just be how it works in my state so definately check your state laws.

I read through messages and those of you have been through similar situations, and it amazes me how well and even happy some of you sound. The idea of filing for cs against my H is very interesting. I am in Florida, and not familiar with any of these laws. I think an attorney is the right decision. . .. Did anyone out there actually do that? <BR>The financial side is one thing - the emotional side is another. H says he wants it to work - will do anything to keep me, son, and unborn baby together. I wish I could believe that - -- but after finding out that he had the A with an old girlfriend, I don't trust him at all. He is currently out of town on a business trip, and I am glad he is gone. .. but also miss him. ... this is so strange. I need therapy - but so does he!

Dear Ann, <BR>I filed for cs and spousal support against my h. Our marriage is fine. It's just the only way we could ensure that ow's "take" was reduced. The fact that we have four children of the marriage did not make a bit of difference to cs officials when ow first filed for cs. They didn't care whether or not h could afford to feed our children - they only cared that oc got "her share" of his income, and until I filed for cs, my children were NOT entitled to equal treatment and an equal percentage of their father's income. I am not at all sure what Florida laws are like. You really do need to consult with a good attourney so that you know where you stand and what your rights are.<P>Again, best of luck to you in all of this.<BR>cd

Cd - <BR>thank you for your kind words and advice. I am going to try to slow down, take a few breaths, and assume that there are options I have not yet pondered. The good attorney is a must. For piece of mind about our options if nothing else. <BR>Is the OC in your life? I have nightmares that OC will knock on my door one day (With OW sitting in the car smiling) and wreck havoc on my childrens world. Not fair to any of the children in my opinion. ....<BR>Any advice is very appreciated. I am willing to slow down for the sake of my child and child-to-be

Dear Ann,<BR>my h and I had visitation with oc almost 2 years ago. After the first couple of visits, ow approached us and asked us if we would consider dropping the visitation because she wanted to marry her boyfriend and have him adopt the oc. She said that she knew that it wasn't fair for her to keep collecting cs, so she said that she would drop that in return for us "bowing out gracefully" from oc's life. H and I discussed it, and after much thought, decided that it would be better for oc to be brought up in a stable two-parent environment, so we agreed. Now, a couple of months ago, ow refiled for cs. Turns out the entire thing was a lie. she thought that after a certain period of time went by (one year), h would automatically lose his rights and that she would be able to collect cs without having us "interfere" in her daughters life. So it was all a big scheme of hers to collect the money without giving my husband any paternal rights. It didn't even matter to cs officials that we made the entire agreement in front of a judge. They still let her go back for child support again. However, she was wrong about h losing his rights. We have reopened the custody case against her and are in the process of taking her to court to see the child. Our mediation hearing is going to be on May 17th.<P>Suffice it to say that ow is not pleased that her cs is being reduced, and she is even angrier that she can't stop us from seeing oc.<P>My best advice for you right now: don't settle with just any lawyer. Find one who is really, truly on your side. And most of all, try to relax and pray a lot.<P>with love,<BR>cd

Dear Ann, <BR> I, too, am in the "wonderful" haha state of FL. We went to court 2 weeks ago and they took us for a ride. GET A LAWYER!! We did not have one. They set CS for almost half of what H makes, did not consider the fact that we have a child, didn't even look at all the financial papers that we "had to" fill out and get notorized. It's crazy here. We even have to pay $7000 back CS when he didn't even get DNA results till Feb. AND, from what this crack pot lawyer told us last week (I'm in the process of getting 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions) H has no rights what so ever. Go talk to a lawyer. Listen to the wonderful advice the women AND men on this board have. I wish I would have found this place when I first found out. But it has helped me alot in the past few months. Good luck. And believe me, it does get better. I have my ups and downs, but I love my H and I know that he loves me. I'm not going to let a mistake ruin our lives.<BR>Jess

Ann,<BR>Your pain sounds so familiar to me and I'm offering you my support. I was 8mo pregnant in 1998 when my H confessed that my "friend" was also pregnant with his child. I cannot even begin to tell you my shock and grief and also how I worried for my unborn baby. This was the same man who had called me daily just to tell me he loved me so much, I thought we were perfect etc. <P>Flashforward... It's been nearly 3 years and we have recovered and we are both happy. It took a lot of time and work but it can happen. There is hope for you too! For more tips please look at my post: thoughts for newbies (or something like that--I'll bring it to top)<P>Sending angels/prayers to you and your little ones,<BR>Jenny

Another day goes by and I am still in shock, but feel the anger starting to build. How can I ever forgive him for not practicing "safe sex"? I am now pushing for details. ... when, where, why did you have sex. <P>Each of you amazes me, particularly those who have contact with oc. How did you ever get so strong? I don't think I could even look at that child without feeling resentment. .. .and I am supposedly a good Christian. . .H does not want anything to do with either.. . but that will probably change, as he is such a good father. Any basic survival tips appreciated

ann99, I found out 2 months ago H had affair, on and off for 3 years which produced child, now a little over one. WE have two young kids, have been married over 20 years, thought our marriage was good. H is deeply remorseful, knows he has ruined our life, my life, the child's existence threatens my kids' lives, and I want no part of OC's life. H initially played at father a bit before I knew of it all. NOw, after a lot of painful discussions in and out of therapy, he has agreed to no contact with OC -had had no contact with OW for 3 months anyway. OW truly believed he would serve as father even after telling me, believes her child should know her siblings, referring to my kids. NO way! I see the OW in our case as thinking she has more rights than she does.For me, I had to have a committment from H he would never have contact with OC for ever before I could even try to heal. I could not pretend over time that I would accept child into our life-it is too much a threat to me and the security of our life even now,a nd I doubt I would feel differently in the future. Additionally, I could not accept H having contact without me involved, for that would be a continuation of another life separate from us. So he committed, as hard as that was for him, for I told him I would divorce him, even though that would have been hard for me, if he did not commit to me.<P>For the record, our therapist did not think it would be good for H to be involved in OC's life as he could not really be the father he would be to our kids- and really said it would be best if OW moved on, did what was best for OC and find another man to be the father. I pray daily she will do that, right now she keeps thinking H will serve role. She sent an EAster card to H , we think allegedly from OC, I think to instill guild in H to parent, but we sent it back unopened and hopefully she gets the message. I am hoping if she truly wants what is best for child, H"s uninvolvement with OC will support her to move on and find man to be a family with them. Then I feel I could really move on from all this. I think H's continued involvement with child would not facilitate that process at all, but that is just for us in our situation. I still hope she will move too, and maybe one day we will not have to pay the huge CS payments we pay.That upsets me greatly as well.This is just my story, you will need to find your way, but there are people here who accept OC, and people who do not./ I am in the not accept camp, it has to be that way for me.<BR>

Boy... I am so sorry. What in the world were the folks who told you thinking? I guess they thought they were being nice, but that is unreal. Your H should have told you a long time ago. Mem get so wrapped up in denial. They think women who have affairs with them just need a little sex and there is no attachment & no consequences. There are few on this board who have a spouse who developed a true emotional bonding. Primarily just a fling & thrill. You do need therapy to get past this and understand what was going on with your relationship and his ability to be "beyond the rules". <P>As for CS... in TN the rule is that a percentage is taken of salary. It does not matter about marriage or not. All children are treated equal in that respect (if they came from a marriage or not). Where children of a marriage get cheated is that they are not considered in the calculation of support. Example: If you divorce your H, in TN you would get 33% of his income for two children. Then second OW would make claim for her one child and get 20%.<P>Now, if that is reversed and OW makes first claim, she gets her 20% and then you get your 33%. We all know enough basic math to understand that the person getting the second cut is getting less. 33% taken after a 20% reduction is less that it would be if the 33% was first. That is what most of us mean here about "being first". And unless you file for CS for your own children, the state will NOT take your children into consideration at all & the 20% is off the top. No allowance of 33% first for your children. They might as well be from a second marriage for all the state cares. This is one of the great inequities of the CS system. It was designed so children of a first marriage get more support than children of a subsequent marriage. Never is any consideration given to the OC situation & people who are trying desperately to maintain marriages and stave off divorce. Very family friendly system isn't it?<P>My advice for staying sane is this. First, make decision on if you want to stay in your marriage. If you do, all these other things can be dealt with if your H also wants the marriage to work.<P>Then, focus on you, your H, your marriage, your children. Don't worry about OW and OC. Unless there is something that needs to be addressed, don't think about it. You will never get answers to all those questions like "how could you NOT have worn a condom". You will just frustrate yourself at this stage of things. Work on Plan A. Read all you can on it. It is a gift for you as much as it is for your H and family. You need to feel well and be happy. it can be done. <P>With all that said about putting thoughts of OW and OC aside, please do make sure that your H goes to a lawyer. This is to protect YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. This is an act of love towards them and is something he should be a man and do. Most men (my H included) do not like to talk about this in front of counselor or lawyer since they have to admit some wrong doing. Somehow repeating it all to a stranger makes them feel bad so they won't do it. I hope your H isn't that way. <P>Take care of you & your baby & your "one on the way". There is still joy to be had. This is not a life threatening event. It does threaten peace of mind, but that can be regained. DO NOT LET OW and OC STEAL YOUR PEACE OF MIND. She has taken enough. She damm well doesn't deserve any more from you! Carolyn

Carolyn, what a wise woman you are. I really appreciated your answer, and I agree-I have to move past all the questions, as to why H was so stupid not to worry about contraception, and focus on him and I and our life with kids. Otherwise, the affair is taking even a bigger toll than it already has. So on the days I feel better, I will email my H a love note, and the days I don't I will not-and just try to endure the pain.today is a little better day.

Wow. What great people you are to share your thoughts and experiences with me. After spending a day in a deep funk, I seem to be a bit better today. H and I have had many long talks. He has agreed to find an attorney,and prepare for whatever OW will throw at us. He has also agreed to counseling. Today is better - tomorrow will probably stink again, but I thank everyone for their insight. I will continue to look through the postings for more advice. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!