I feel I am stuck in a land of awful feelings. I am working, but barely. HOw do you move on from this? H has given up contact with child for me, contact with OW is over, but I feel cannot move on. I do not know what to do. He is trying to be solicitous of me, but I feel he has damaged our relationship, at times irreparably. I look at my kids and know I have to try and stay here, know they thrive with us together, but it is very hard. I do not know if I can love my H again as I once did-how did you all do that? WE have been married so long, it is hard to give it up, but I feel very damaged by what he has done. I do not know how to get over that.Any ideas would be helpful. I know time will help, I wish we could move, taht would help too, I hope OW/OC moves, the whole thing is such a threat to my life I can't get over it.What to do?

I refer to what you are feeling as living in the land of limbo.<BR>You know you don't want to be where you are at, but you have no idea how to get out of where you are at.<BR>There are sorta good days, there are bad days, and then there are days from hell.<BR>You remember how it used to be and wish you could go there again.<BR>I don't know if it will ever be how it used to be, but that doesn't mean that some day you will reach a place that is just as good, only different.<BR>Hold onto that hope.<BR>That is what I do.<BR>That is how I hold on.<BR>There are days that I literaly wander through the day repeating the words..."This too shall pass."<BR>Hope this helps.<BR>If nothing more I do understand.<BR>I'm there, don't like it, but hope that with time it will be different.

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Lsb,<P>I feel sorry for your pain. But how can you be sure your H has given up contact with OC/OW? A lot of times, husbands would tell wives things like they have given up contact but reality, they haven't. Husbands know how to play the game, that's what you all women need to remember. And i'm saying based from a true experience. They can be saints when they tell or make their promises, but reality, they go back to their own old habits without you knowing it.<P>So how can you move on? I guess, you just need to accept REALITY, which is where you are right now. If you cant, too bad, you will lose your own self in due time. if i were you, get over it and move on.<P>

Sorry i cant offer advice just support and understanding cuz i feel the same way you do, very bad very often<BR>and i feel hypocritical cuz i also dated a little sort of while we were separated but i didn't go sleep with someone i didn;t know and dammit, i didn't get Pregnant!!!!!

LesW, why do you insist on questioning the sincerity of Isb's husband when you don't even know either of them? I find it very difficult to understand how that can be in the least bit supportive ... which is what we are here for, isn't it? That is certainly what my understanding of the purpose of the forum is.<P>Something YOU have to accept, LesW, is that not all MM cheat, and that the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is simply not true in the vast majority of cases. If that is what is nappening with the MM that was involved with you, you need to realize that your small view of the world is truly NOT the larger picture at all. Read some of the other forums - you will see that there are men out there who feel absolutely horrible that they have damaged their marriages so badly.<P>BTW, MM lie to the OW as much or more than they lie to the wife... mostly, they lie to the OW <B>about</B> the wife - and about the marriage. There have been many OW who have posted on these forums, and it seems that most are very deluded regarding the honesty of the MM they are with - for some reason, they seem to think that a man who lies to his wife is going to tell THEM the truth. Affairs, by their very nature, are filled with dishonesty - and the MM in an affair is lying to <B>everyone</B>.<P>Isb, you need to make the choice every day to work on your marriage. Being happy is a choice, and love is a choice. We choose to be happy and we choose to love. It doesn't seem that simple, but that truly is the key - you must CHOOSE healing, choose love, choose happiness ... and then make it happen for yourself. Your husband can never fix what happened - you and he can, however, choose to go forward and make your marriage happy and wonderful.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

ISB, <BR>I'm sorry you got another lurker post. Everyone, PLEASE ignore these--they know not what they say!<P>ISB, it's too soon to "be over it". DON'T! Wallow in it for awhile, permit some misery. You're GRIEVING. If your child died, would you want someone to tell you to "just get over it"? You would need to talk about it, esp. with other parents who've been through it, to get support, make memorials, etc. It's a process. You'll get better eventually, but not overnight.<P>Prayers for you,<BR>J

<BR>Terri, not sure if you're one of the denials who still believes in your h's sweet promises/lies. Of course, there are men out there who abosolutely felt horrible that they damaged their family/marriages but what do you think is the majority? Majority is: they just say those things to make their wives feel better and agree to keep and work on the marriage but REALITY though, most of these H's arent gonna change at all. You know why? because most of these men tasted something very good outside their marriage (and i'm not talking of just "sex" either) and that they just want to go back to cheating again. If you believe your h's has changed then why not move on and not dwell at your anger? why not focus your attention in working on the marriage instead of being a hateful and ugly wives. I can understand you have to express your anger but you can't drag it for a long time, it will eat you all up. So its up to you.<P>As far as the MM lying goes, of course he lies to both parties but more lies to wives though. and you know why? because they want to keep the marriage and keep the extended family on the side. Like I said again, they are the best players who wants to keep both of the best worlds.<P><BR>

LesW, I'm going to make one more attempt to get something clear to you, and then, based on your response, I will decide whether or not to make a request to the forum moderators and administrator to have you removed from the forum. <P>Once again: Your 'reality' is skewed by your situation. It is based solely on your own experience. What I am saying is NOT based on my situation at all (which, if you actually cared about anything but your "apparent" agenda to hurt the women on this forum, you could easily find out about).<P>What I am saying is based on years of study by sociologists and psychologists. Perhaps it is time for YOU to see the harsh reality that your situation is in the vast minority of affair situations. Read ALL of this forum... Read Dr. Harley's books, based on YEARS and YEARS of experience with affairs. Read Dr. Frank Pittman's books, read Michele Weiner-Davis's books. Don't rely on your own tiny view of life to judge all of reality.<P>And please, if you can't say anything supportive here on our support forum, don't say anything at all. We are here to help support YOU, too.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

In my deepest soul, I know my H is telling truth about no contact. He does not want the other woman, or another one, never wanted her full time, wanted me and my kids.That is what he and I are fighting for. He and I will regret till our death beds what he did, he can't even explain it, for he is most upset of what he has done to my two kids and me, the truly innocent victims in this. He has no defensible excuse, no explanation, feels he has hurt me deeply and our marriage. I want to get our marriage back on track and be a family that are happy, but right now anger and sadness consumes me. I think I will have to feel all that before I move on. It has only been a few months for me, it will take years before I can move on. In the meantime, I hope the OW moves on as well, has a life with OC since that is what she chose to have, and leave us alone. I cannot abide by any contact with OC-will never feel love toward child or acceptance.The child's existence is made possible by OW's selfish desire for child at all costs, including tainting and ruining the security of my family and because of that, I will never be able to accept the child. I wish the child no harm, just no part of my life. She wanted the child, she has it, raise it and find a life for it. Just leave me out of it.I have enough on my plate trying to heal marriage, forgive H, get over sadness, pain and anger, and parenting my own kids.There is no energy left for the OC.

LSB,<P>I just want you to know I have no other child that came along with Tony's affairs, plus I have no children. Just so you know where I am at. Tony is a serial cheater. In my frame of refrence this is almost as bad as having an OC. <P>Tony's last known affair was when he tried to shag is sister's best friend this past summer in Nantucket. Tony told me in September. Since then I have not really seen any affair activity but I also have not been looking. <P>Listen to your heart. You know if your H is telling you the truth or not. You also know what you can live with and without after the affair. If you honestly believe you can not live with the OC in your life for one second than so be it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You will only be angry and resentful in the future. <P>On how to forgive...I personally know for myself I can not fogive everything all at once. I have a lot to forgive and I have only fogiven the top of the iceburg so to speak. I forgive what I can and work on the rest.<P>Now you are fresh to all this. And it has not helped that you have indivuals praying on your insucrity. It takes a long time to get over the shock of an affair much less one with a child. Give yourself all the time in the world. Be honest to your H how he can help you. If you need flowers to cheer you up he should purchase them for you. You need a hug tell him. No one is a mind reader. Talk about everything till you have processed it and able to move on. It will take a long time and a lot of hard work from the both of you to repair the damage.<P>Hang in there and understand all your reasons for staying. I am sure you will find yourself healing and finding the marriage you have longed for.

Well, I would have never asked my H not to have contact with oc. He is too dedicated to our children . I knew that it would be impossible for him to stay away. The oc is 18 months now and he hasn't seen her in 2 months. They live an hour and a half away. He used to make time to go up there at least every 2 to 3 weeks or the ow would meet him half way and he would visit like that. She now refuses to bring the baby down and he isn't making time anymore to go up there. I think by forcingspouse not to see a child they want to see would most definately backfire. Does it make me feel better that he hasn't been there?He;; yeah! would I tell him ? No. I have a problem with the ow. I haveseen oc once in person and a few times in photos. As she gets older , she looks more like my h. THe ow lucked out because she is very unattractive, while my h is gorgeous. Not just my opinion. She is short dark, big nose and pock marks on her skin from when she was a teenager. I on the other hand am tall, blong ,hazel eyes and have quite good skin for a 32 year old. She alomst sh*t a brick when she saw me. As I was also shocked at her punk throwback, semi-terrorist looking ,shaved head. Not completely bald, but close. Anyway, I went off on a tangant. Sorry!<P>

I do not feel badly asking my H to give up contact. NOt in the least. I made it clear, without his committment to me and our kids, we were over. There was a limit what I could accept- I accepted the fact he lied to me for 3 years, I accepted he introduced the child to my kids under lying circumstances, I accepted he had this woman in our bed and home, I accepted the CS payments which are huge, I accepted many more painful things. I cannot accept contact with OC, with me involved or not. I was prepared to lose H over this, end our marriage. He was facing losing daily contact with our children and our whole life together, our home, his job, etc. I see it as something for once he needs to do for us to heal-for me to move on, for our life to go forward. I do not care if OW is mad at H< or mad at me. I do not care if OC is angry at H for failure to be part of her life. Her mother knew H never was going to leave his family for her, despite the circumstances,a nd she proceeded to have and keep the child anyway. I hope she is a good mother to child, but she is not getting my H to parent.And she is not involving my kids in the betrayal and ugliness she and H perpetrated against me and my kids. I feel no remorse for this, like the bible story I think myH's priorities should be his original family, not this mistaken family wrought from a wrong relationship that even he and she admits were wrong. Sorry, that is how I feel. No apology. I realize others do not feel the same, that is fine, but I need to do this for me and kids, and I will never change my mind. I am protecting me from more pain, and kids from pain. And that is what I need and and am going to do.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lsb:<BR><B>I do not feel badly asking my H to give up contact. NOt in the least. I made it clear, without his committment to me and our kids, we were over. There was a limit what I could accept- I accepted the fact he lied to me for 3 years, I accepted he introduced the child to my kids under lying circumstances, I accepted he had this woman in our bed and home, I accepted the CS payments which are huge, I accepted many more painful things. I cannot accept contact with OC, with me involved or not. I was prepared to lose H over this, end our marriage. He was facing losing daily contact with our children and our whole life together, our home, his job, etc. I see it as something for once he needs to do for us to heal-for me to move on, for our life to go forward. I do not care if OW is mad at H< or mad at me. I do not care if OC is angry at H for failure to be part of her life. Her mother knew H never was going to leave his family for her, despite the circumstances,a nd she proceeded to have and keep the child anyway. I hope she is a good mother to child, but she is not getting my H to parent.And she is not involving my kids in the betrayal and ugliness she and H perpetrated against me and my kids. I feel no remorse for this, like the bible story I think myH's priorities should be his original family, not this mistaken family wrought from a wrong relationship that even he and she admits were wrong. Sorry, that is how I feel. No apology. I realize others do not feel the same, that is fine, but I need to do this for me and kids, and I will never change my mind. I am protecting me from more pain, and kids from pain. And that is what I need and and am going to do. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> I think you have the right to feel however you want to feel, so far we have not had contact but i know it is coming. We (including yourself) are KIDDING yourself/ourself if we think we can protect our children from it. the OW/OC will make contact, it sucks, its not fair but i KNOW it will happen probably within a few years, i just want to make sure my kids hear it from me and noone else. there is NO WAY to keep a secreat this big that affects your children especially when it is a secreat the OW/OC doesn't want to keep. I want it all to go away, i do but i must face reality.<P>