I have read that a lot of women are angry that the Ow did not "just have an abortion, if her morals are so bad that she can screw my hubby than why can't she JUST have an abortion. When i found out my hubby asked the OW to have an abortion I was FURIOUS. I am 100% pro-life and I thought he was too. i could not believe he asked someone to kill his own child. This leaves me in a very hard spot. i believe EVERY child has right to life but i don't necessarily want this child in my life. I know this women is has all ready put my hubby down in her son's baby book as father and all his information and also the info about my daughter as his half-sister so i know this child will someday appear in my life. How do I tell a child about my faith which says to love ALL living things, especially children but I am not sure i can do that. I don't know what i am saying i am rambling at this point it is just nice to finally have a place to ramble.

I also was furious with my H when he told me he asked OW to have an abortion. My son was 7months old and I could not believe, after seeing the miracle our son was, that he would kill this child. Thankfully, he changed his mind the day before (she would do anything for him and had tearfully agreed to the abortion to). I too am pro-life and believe psalm 139-I even used to read it to my son when he was growing inside of me.<P>If this child will be in your life, God can give you the ability to love. Its just like forgiveness...very difficult and a day by day choice.<BR>

"i know this child will someday appear in my life. How do I tell a child about my faith which says to love ALL living things..." "...but i don't necessarily want this child in my life."<P>Dear what, did you see the Bible passage in my post "recovery thoughts for newbies"? You know God told Abram it was right of Sara to send away the XOW/OC from their lives? You and H can chose to have normal visitation w/OC, or not, and either is fine, I think. The OC brings up the bad feelings associated with the whole mess, and that's so human, but some betrayed(esp. those with primary custody)learn to love OC as themselves.<P>As for telling your own child(ren) about OC, we talked about this with our counselor. He advised us to wait until they are older or until we have visitation (we currently do not). But I definately plan to tell them by the teen years, either way. I don't want them to find out from ANY other people but H and I. Our counselor has sat in on at least one family session of the dad telling his kids (tearfully) about OC, about his guilt in setting a bad example for them by breaking morals they learn at church, remorse that he fathered a child he couldn't parent, hurt his wife, etc. His teen children took it very well, still loved him, didn't want to repeat his error, so on. I worry about it, but it will probably be okay in the end.<P>Godbless. <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 29, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B>"i know this child will someday appear in my life. How do I tell a child about my faith which says to love ALL living things..." "...but i don't necessarily want this child in my life."<P>Dear what, did you see the Bible passage in my post "recovery thoughts for newbies"? You know God told Abram it was right of Sara to send away the XOW/OC from their lives? You and H can chose to have normal visitation w/OC, or not, and either is fine, I think. The OC brings up the bad feelings associated with the whole mess, and that's so human, but some betrayed(esp. those with primary custody)learn to love OC as themselves.<P>As for telling your own child(ren) about OC, we talked about this with our counselor. He advised us to wait until they are older or until we have visitation (we currently do not). But I definately plan to tell them by the teen years, either way. I don't want them to find out from ANY other people but H and I. Our counselor has sat in on at least one family session of the dad telling his kids (tearfully) about OC, about his guilt in setting a bad example for them by breaking morals they learn at church, remorse that he fathered a child he couldn't parent, hurt his wife, etc. His teen children took it very well, still loved him, didn't want to repeat his error, so on. I worry about it, but it will probably be okay in the end.<P>Godbless. <P>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 29, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> I do not "buy" the Abraham story as validation for not having Oc in my life. If i remember correctly the child was in Abraham's life for over 13 years and got a chance to know his father and extended family before going out into the world. he had known his fathers love, beliefs and was able to use that when he and his mother were cast out.Abraham's wife knew all along of the OW and Oc and i believe GOD also rewarded the Ow and Oc by giving them great land and wealth, (maybe that is the only part many Ow read) I believe deeply though "in love thy enemies" I am praying(just got back from church) that I will learn to love this"gift from God" because i truely believe that all children are gifts from GOD. I know this OC will love me if I can get past the sinful acts of the adults and realize the child is innocent. I also know my little one will love his sister, especially if introduced at a younge age and if my son sees my love. i tak a good talk but i haven't been able to walk the walk the walk. I have a few more counceling sessions with our minister i hope God gives me the stremght to do the right thing. for thoses of you with OC in your life, have you learned to love the Oc ?<P>

up,up<p>[This message has been edited by whatif? (edited April 29, 2001).]

Dear whatif...this is something that I have stuggled with quite a bit. Yes I am a Christian and I do feel we should try to love one another. Sometimes harder said than done. Just remember honey, the most important thing here is the marriage and that is also according to God. "Let no man put assunder". The story that Jenny refered you to....what difference did it make how old the child was? What Jenny was trying to point out is that God also puts the marriage first. Aram did not send oc away until Sara was threatened by him. Sara wanted him to go and Aram was torn. God told him to do what his wife wanted. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that is what you must do. You should look in your heart and listen to what God tells YOU to do. Maybe this child God wants in your life, maybe not. Just remember this is not your fault. You had no choice in this child. <P>On the abortion thing...I too am pro-life and thought my H was also. He suggested the same thing to ow. I think it just shows how desperate and scared they are at the moment of revelation. That however does not mean anything about the women on this board. I can not say what they believe, but I can tell you the main point is women's vs. men's rights. A man has a right to have sex and pay child support. A woman has a right to have sex, have an abortion, put up child for adoption, go for outlandish amounts of "child support"...and a lot of times the father has to fight tooth and nail for visitation. I am not saying those are correct or moral choices, but they are still legal choices in our country.<P>My main point....everone is different and God has a different plan for all of us. Not one is "right". Go with God. Lay it at his feet...I heard this in church today and I feel it was directed to me...Ill tell you all more later.<P>Prayers for you and yours...<P>Love<P>broken_wings<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited April 29, 2001).]

Dear Whatif?,<P>I am ashamed to admit that when we found out that I was pregnant from the OM, our first thought was to abort. That is when God showed His hand in a long line of those moments the past 10 mos. We now have a beautiful baby girl, named Abbi, who my H loves just as much as our other 2 children. I am very pro-life, but when hit with this situation, that is the first thing that came into our minds. In fact, H and I put a child up for adoption 13 yrs ago instead of aborting her. No one is perfect, and being human, we are all suseptable to the devil's gentle urging to do the wrong thing. The way that people handle those prodings is where God shows His hand. <P>Like many have said before me, everyone handles these situations very differently, but we are all here, trying to rebuild our marriages. Many of us have come a long way from D-day, and many of us are still struggling with major issues in our marriages. I hope none of the newest "newbies" leave. We have recently had a few "crashers" and I think that a lot of the hate that is being presumed is due to those "crashers". Give us a chance to show you what this forum is really about before you leave. Sometimes it takes a little while to "cool down" after people like that get us so worked up.<P>Hope you and My Cross stick around so we can help. There are so many different points of view here that you will soon find your place with us.<P>Tigger

The one thing that an OC does VERY WELL is challenge most of us with our own value systems. "Love one another" is a challenge. "Do unto others...". Most of us know the Bible versus and fall back to that as our source of moral standards. But many folks do not follow Biblical standards (Buddist, Hindus, etc.) and they also have many of their values challenged. <P>I struggle with abortion and death penalty, but I think I struggle even more with the utter disregard for life that occurs within the years of birth and death. Can we respect a bum on the street? Can we love a rapist? How about a child molester? <P>I think there are times when it is ok to not respect someones actions. You also do not have to befriend them. Just show tolerance towards them. You never know what prompted their actions and what their history is. Under pressure that you might lose all you have that is precious to you (wife and family), then a man may very well ask OW to abort. Please don't look at it as a mark of a corrupt soul. Perhaps it was just fear that motivated that. And you may not feel all the love that you feel your faith states you should have. If we were all perfect and had no moments of weakness, well then faith wouldn't be necessary. <P>Be easy on yourself. Just take it slow and learn what God has to teach you with this. If you find a challenge, work with it. It is there to polish your spirit and heart. <P>Take care... Carolyn