My H has agreed to no contact ever with OC., I thought I would feel better knowing the threat of OC was just out there, not in our life, But I do not.I wonder if it is still the newness of the discovery of it all for me, or with increasing time from knowledge of A/OC will it get better, except paying for child support.I would like to know how it is for those of you with no contact, does it get easier and more out of your mind as time goes on. Let me know how it is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lsb:<BR><B>My H has agreed to no contact ever with OC., I thought I would feel better knowing the threat of OC was just out there, not in our life, But I do not.I wonder if it is still the newness of the discovery of it all for me, or with increasing time from knowledge of A/OC will it get better, except paying for child support.I would like to know how it is for those of you with no contact, does it get easier and more out of your mind as time goes on. Let me know how it is. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> So far I have had no contact and hubby hasn't either but we decided once the OC and our chikld are really talking around 3 we will have the OC in our lifes. The OW will tell her child about father and halfsiblings and WILL try and incorporate(has sent cards, put info in baby book) and i am 100% that she will let my child know so we have decided the youner we incorporate OC the better. i too wish Ow would start a new life but I know she will NEVER stop collecting the support and she has said even if she does get married she plans on being 100% honest with her child about who the father is from the day the child askd(usuallyaround age2) I belive most OW will tell their children so they look "good" and the father and BW look like s^%$ because they rejected child. i will not have that for me, hubby or my child. i want to live in denile and believe it will all go away and believe that my child won't find out but i know that is a fantasy so i am giving myself the year or two to live in the fantasy before i do what i think will happen one way or the other.<BR>

lsb,<P>we have no contact with the OC. i can't say that i don't think about it. i used to obsess about it but i have come to peace with our decision. it was my H's actually, i have never asked him not to, he has never wanted to have contact. i worry what our future children will think, but know that they will have to find out whether we like it or not. we have not really decided when to tell them, that will come later. i trust they will understand given the situation, and they will know that we are human and we all make mistakes. they will see that our marriage made it through something very difficult, that we didn't give up when things got rough. <P>the OW has actually not really asked my H to be part of the child life. she comes from a family where many of the women have several children from different men. they seem to be a more matriarchal family than patriarchal. children are conceived without regard to whether or not the father will participate in their lives. my view on this is that women have the ultimate responsibity for their children, and preventing conception of children if they don't want them. she chose this life for her child. she said it best when she first told him about it. that she "wanted to be a mom, and now she was." <P>the OW's mother, aunt's, and many of her friends, all aren't married, and have children, most have all different fathers. i don't think that any influence my H could have on the child would do any good. most of the OW's family and friends hate my husband, seem to hate men in general. she will likely be poisoned with lies and hate her "father" anyway. i don't think there is much we could do to stop that. <P>i hope that you can come to peace with the decision. i also hope that your husband has really come to peace with his decision too. i think it is so hard later when they decide they still want contact. it has happened many times here with other W's. so i would advise you to make sure your H is really into his decision. only because it could cause you and your marriage more harm later.<P>prayers for you and your marriage.<P>happy_girl

My H I think had a hard time making decision to no contact but really realized that he had to do that as a consequence of what he has done to me and our family. He was definately losing that if he would continue contact, and as our therapist told him, other than paying CS his no contact may also be his consequence for all the misery he has inflicted on me, our marriage, our life, our children. He agrees I did not deserve this, he cannot even entirely explain why he did what he did and why he didn't protect pregnancy with contraception,except to say the OW did not want it. I think he was an innocent-although stupid as well. He had only ever had sex with me, I was very responsible as to contraception/safe times of month,a nd I do not think he really understood many women are not like that. I also believe the OW wanted a child, loved my H, wanted his child, and now she has it. But without him in her life, and in her child's life. She really believed H and I would get back together and he and her would stay friends parenting child. I think she and he were in a fantasy world believing this, H now knows I cannot live the fantasy world they created,if he wants it go to it. He actually says if we do not make it, he will not return to her, so he has much to lose if I do not stay with him.Right now we are working on us, I am very tired of thinking of a child I have no relationship to and yet she has everything of me-my H's genes, my money, my thouhts. If it were not for the child, I could heal so much quicker, so now I have to rid myself of the thoughts or they will surely destroy me.

Just to let you know...it will get easier, at least it has for me. I still think of oc and sometimes wonder about pursuing something. Ultimately I guess I have boiled it down to the day oc contacts us. When she does we will welcome her with open arms. Ow will no longer be involved. I wish her no ill will and I pray God will interact in her life and she will have peace. As I pray for all of us.<BR>Lay it at his feet....<P>bw

lsb, you know when you were talking about how you were mostly responsible for the contraception, etc. that is exactly how it was with me and my H. i don't think he realized that it was so easy to get someone pregnant. i was either on the pill, on the norplant, or not on a fertile day and using back up foam or something. as a woman that is an advocate of women being responsible for not getting pregnant until they are ready, etc, i always took the precautions. i kinda wish i would have talked to him more about all the stuff i did to NOT get pregnant. but i didn't. and most affairs are spur of the moment things, where the person is not thinking straight anyway...<P>happy_girl

lsb,<BR>Time is the answer yes it does. I know for me even though my h did everything he could possibly do to make things right. I for the longest time kept trying to find reasons to run away and give up. I dont know if it was just something I had to do to test him or what I was doing it almost felt like I was looking for reasons to end it with h so I could escape the pain. My h stuck it out and kept proving that he was not going to let me down and thats what made the diffrence. I really put him through more then I think I myself could have taken. You have alot of yrs that you are working through thats got to be really hard I know I had to try to figure out everytime they had been together so many crazy things were in my head every day for so long I though it would never go away but it does once you have had time to work it all out in your mind. I wanted to find the reason for everything that went on for some things there are no reasons and we have to accept that and let it go. In time you will be there I promise. with love flowerseed

Dear lsb,<BR>Even though my h and I are currently pursuing contact with oc, for a good year and a half, we had no contact whatsoever w/oc due to an agreement with ow, which she later broke. Anyway, I have been in both contact and no-contact situations, so I thought I'd throw in my two cents as well.<P>The year and a half that we didn't have contact with oc was without question the happiest of my life. Did I think about oc occasionally? Sure. I even sent cards and little gifts on the appropriate holidays. But I didn't have to worry about the threat to my family. I didn't have to work around outrageous cs bills. I didn't think about ow/oc more than one or two passing thoughts per day. It got easier with each passing day. Time did help a lot, but so did DISTANCE. I knew that with oc living so far away (6 hour round trip) there was no chance of h "slipping out" to see her behind my back. Now, my h has never wanted contact without me involved anyway, but you know that the doubts and insecurities you have when something like this happens aren't always based on reality anyway. Every day that passed, the ow/oc issues were futher and further from my mind. Then we got the court orders saying that ow refiled for cs and it was like in those cartoons where a grand piano falls from above and squishes the hapless pedestrian. That is what it felt like. <P>I would say that the more time and distance you can put between you and the ow, the better off you will be. Hang in there.<P>cd