You posted on MyCross that you wished you could hear from someone whose OC walked back into their life later on, and how did that affect their children. As I've posted many times before, I had an uncle who fathered OC over 30 years ago and I have spoken with my aunt about her experience with this. She did not tell her children. My uncle (who was a GREAT dad to his kids of the marriage but did not visit OC) died about 10 years after fathering OC. OC (who lived in next town)as a teen went to my cousins' high school and confronted them one day, wanting information about her biodad. Imagine my cousins' shock!! Of the 4 kids of the marriage, a couple kept in touch with OC for awhile (I also met her when she came to see pictures my dad has), but she(OC) faded away, and one of my cousins simply refuses (STILL) to believe that her father did it, because it hurts her memory of her father too much. My aunt and cousins all speak warmly of my uncle, who was a valued member of the community and loving dad. BTW, I think he was a serial adulterer who fathered TWO OC by different women, but one of the OC never looked for info. Just like adopted kids, some want info, some don't. <P>Just thought I'd share,<BR>J

Jenny,<BR>That would be very nice if this child never did come looking. Time will tell I to think our little girl will never accept this child as part of her family but I dont know we will deal with it when the time comes.with love flowerseed

Maybe it's just me but sometimes I think entirely too much importance is put on biological relatives. I was adopted at birth. I am sure somewhere in this world I have siblings. I don't care. I have no desire to meet these people as they are not my family. We just happen to have at least one biological parent in common. I also have no desire to meet my biological parents. I never have. I am who I am and meeting them would not change that, nor do I want it to.<BR>I hope the oc does not come knocking on our door one day. But I will cross that bridge if and when it comes. <BR>As far as the other thread. No, I do not hate oc. I have no feelings about her one way or another. But I cannot embrace her and I refuse to beat myself up because I feel that way.<P>Jtigger<p>[This message has been edited by Jtigger (edited April 30, 2001).]

I too feel the OC has no right to contact any half siblings or relatives of her father.She may have a right to look up H< but H has a right not to father, and if she thinks less of him, so be it, I have been thinking less of him since I found out and am trying to rebuild the love and respect I have felt for H all these years. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 22, 2001).]

<P>i agree with jtigger that too much is put on biological ties. look at all the guys here who are the most wonderful fathers to children who aren't biologically theirs. i myself, have 2 half-siblings i have never met, and i don't have any yearning to either. we are all different. my sister found our mother, and she also got in contact with one of our half-brothers. he talked to her a couple of times, and they have never talked since. our other half sister is now about 19 or 20 and she has never looked for her "father" or siblings. so no one way fits all of us. i will always find it amazing that women who give their children up for adoption are seen as such selfless people (<B>and i agree that they are!!</B>) <BR>but men don't have that right. so they are automatically seen as bad people because they don't want a child at that time. it is such a double standard, where the woman has all the control and all the choices, to do with what she decides. the man must simply live with HER decision.<P>if the OC comes looking for my H, she will simply be given the truth of the situation. i hope her mother has told her the truth because that is what she will get, as nicely put as we can say it. and she will be much older than our children, since we have none by choice right now. if she decides to look for our children later, then they will be old enough to decide what relationship they have with her. they will be adults. and i believe that children will understand the reasons one day, whether it take some time for them to live life a little and understand. my dad made mistakes, sure he did. but he was a wonderful single father to me and my sister. i put more weight on that than any mistake he might have ever made.<P>happy_girl

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lsb:<BR>[B]I too feel the OC has no right to contact any half siblings.<BR> I don't know how i feel about that one. i think the OW should NEVER contact any member of my family ever again bout i don't know about te OC. i know for a fact the OW put down all the info about my hubby and my kids in her child's baby book(I bet my OW is not the only one to do so) so i have to live with the knowledge that the child will show up or call some day

Goodness whatif,<BR>I never thought about ow doing that. Now that I think about it I would be willing to bet my H and kids names are in oc's baby book. Ugh.

You know I am a trouble maker, LOL, but one more question! How do you think you would welcome the child, thats if you would welcome them?<P>Tell me if I am getting too nosey.

Dear momhurting,<BR>Before we decided to reopen the visitation/custody case, we had talked to ow about what we would do when oc got old enough to want to see/know my h. We decided that ow should call us first and let us know, and we would work it out any way that was most comfortable with oc. In the meantime, we were sending cards and letters to oc for ow to save for her. Ow said that she did not want to give oc anything from us at that time, but that she would "stockpile" everything for the day when oc started asking questions about her parentage. The only glitch in the plan was that h told ow that he refused to make up a big story about how he was "in love" with ow. He said that he would tell oc the truth - that although he cared about oc, what happened between him and ow was a mistake that he deeply regretted. Ow was none too happy about that.<P>If we were to play by her rules, this is what she would expect us to do:<P>1. Give up all rights to oc and let the oc grow up thinking ow's boyfriend is her "daddy"<BR>2. Keep paying outrageous amounts of cs - she thinks that h should pay through the nose but never have any contact with the child he is supporting<BR>3. When oc gets old enough, tell her a giant fabricated story about how it was "true love" between ow and h. Either that, or tell oc the story that ow has been telling her boyfriend all this time - that h was a single man and dumped ow when he found out she was pregnant and then ran off to marry me. ow didn't even admit to her own live in boyfriend that my h was married at the time of conception. She wanted my h to be the one to look like a big jerk and she wanted to be the "victim" of it all. That's the same way she wants to present things to her daughter. Boyfriend was dumbfounded to discover that ow knew h was married and had a child when she slept with him.<P>As it happens, though, we will be welcoming oc into our home very soon instead of later, so all those plans are for naught anyhow.<BR>-cd

Heck no your not getting to nosy this is good that way we can all get diffrent ideas on this. It will be when he comes looking for us if he does. Depending on what he has been told and what he wants to know I guess is how we will handle it. I'm sure on my part there will be a lot of tears more so if he looks like my h I think. I think I would hug him and tell him how sorry I was for him that he was born into this type of a siituation. I have a feeling that when he hits his teen yrs ow is not going to be able to handle him and she will be whining to us to do something about it. It will be to bad for her. One lesson in life ow will learn the hard way why you dont do what she has done. with love flowerseed