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#797522 05/01/01 07:43 AM
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Well, here it is - the month of May. Although D-day was not until July 16th, May is the month the one night stand occurred. I did not know the ultimate betrayal that occurred but our relationship was badly strained. Our then 1 year old was very sick and H was not supportive at all, he had no idea what I went through. He was a complete and total selfish jerk, all of his needs came first. It is the month of our anniversary and last year I chose to "forget" it, it was in the midst of our baby's worse time with her illness too. So he cheated on me during this dreadful time and I have a real hard time getting past this. As I rushed off with my baby to the ER at 5 am he laid in bed, probably thinking of his indescretion. When I sat up with her for seven straight days and nights with 103-105 degree fevers he went and played softball and went to happy hours as he pleased. I was totally unreasonable when I asked him to come home before a softball game because our little one was projectile vommiting all over the living room. Besides my worry, I had another daughter to feed and take care of and a mess to clean up. But no, they would be short a guy on the team, maybe have to forfeit, oh my!?!?! This happened two days before our anniversary, that is when I chose to forget. So, I want to forget it now, it will be 10 years on the 18th. May is just so painful, we have not been able to pin point the night, but I believe it was the Friday before Mother's Day that he did it. So all of these days that should be happy and special to me are tarnished I feel, forever. Tarnished by the abandonment I felt at the time, my sweet little girl's illness and the later learned of infidelity that occurred during this time. I feel like mourning this day - May Day.<P>But I didn't - May Baskets were on my little girls' doorknobs this morning and they were so sweet sitting on the floor looking at their little surprises. So what if they had a few sweettarts and Reese Pieces before breakfast at daycare. The smiles on their faces certainly made my day and I will not plummet for their sakes.<P>I am still having so much trouble with not feeling a thing for my H and I even LB at times. The need for intimacy doesn't even exist in me, I think about it and realize no, nothing - Blah ! Oh how I hate this, I want to feel again. I feel like we were doing better last August when it was all fresh and so painful. My lack of feeling has been going on for over a month now - what do I do? I know this month is certainly not going to help. Help guys!! Has anyone ever gone through this long of a time and struggle with just hanging on without feeling for your WS?<P>Well have a great May Day everyone - make some baskets for someone - it is a lot of fun ! If I could I would hang a big basket of everyone's favorite flowers and candy on their door.<P>Carrie<P>

#797523 05/01/01 08:34 AM
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Dear Carriemom,<BR>Boy do I ever know just how you feel. The year that the a happened, my h had scheduled his week's vacation to coincide with our anniversery in August. It was to be a momentous occasion because in the four years we had been married we had never had a whole week off together. But the events of the affair came to a head right before that, and h ended up spending the week AND our anniversery with ow. I decided at the time to go ahead and fill in for some other people at work, so I found myself alone on the night shift, waiting praying hoping that h would at least call and say SOMETHING about our anniversery. Nope. Nothing. That horrible endless night ranks right up there in the top ten worst times of my life.<P>I still have a hard time on our anniversery. I guess that the only thing you can do is try and make new memories to cover up the bad ones. And it sounds as if you are doing just that. As ridiculous as it may seem, I am also having a bit of a hard time thinking about h's upcoming vacation in June. Just the thought it brings back memories of the vacation we spent apart. So I am going to have to work really hard to make this one special so that the old memories are "overshadowed."<P>As for feeling no passion towards your h, the thing that I have found that works best for me when I am feeling that way is to dredge up thoughts of ow and him together. As sick as that may sound, when I think of them together my possessiveness kicks into overdrive and I once again get the overwhelming need to "mark my territory". Just the thought of h being with anybody else makes me want to assert my rights. Do you know what I mean? Then once the passion is back, I just take it from there.<P>I guess I am not much help - just wanted to let you know I do understand how you feel about this month in general.<BR>-cd

#797524 05/01/01 10:51 AM
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I know what you mean.This year will be my 25th anniversary, and now what I thought would be a special time is tarnished by the knowledge of the affair, oc etc. I dread getting cards from well wishers telling us what a happy couple we are. I had had fantasies of going some exotic place to celebrate months ago-now, the CS has ruined that idea, and what would be the point if I cannot feel happy with H? I am trying to make new memories to replace the old ones, but it is very hard.I look back on the last 3 years and view what we did with new eyes-thinking he had been with her, child was born then, he knew he betrayed me, etc.And yet, during all the time affair happened, most of time H was here with me and my kids. He spent no more than 1-2 hours a week with OW, and that is that. So I try and work from here, try and look at kids and be the mother they deserve, try to work with H to start a new life together.But 3 months after discovery, it is very hard . Some days I can hardly stand not feeling happy. I have lost lots of weight,a nd have yet to gain it back. This is very tough.

#797525 05/01/01 03:01 PM
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Thank you for your replies.<P>I can't do this anymore, but I thank you so much for you insight and assurance that I am not alone.<P>Alone I must sort all of this out.<P>Good luck to you.


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