I'm not normally one to ask advice from such a public place, but I am at my
ropes end and am open for almost anything.
I'm sure regulars here have heard this story a thousand times, and this is
going to be long, but here goes:

First a little history about me. I am 30 and am on my second marriage. My
first one failed simply because I married too soon and she needed to live
her life more still. I have since re-married and now this one is failing as
well. I met my current wife only a matter of months after leaving my first
wife. I was definately on the rebound and she was the first person to show
me affection. We moved in together a few months later and was married after
a couple years. Now that I look back I can see all the mistakes I made along
the way. First, I was never really attracted to her. Second, I am the type
of person who needs a companion, she gave that to me, but I didn't look into
it deeper. Third, we married for the wrong reason. Financial times were a
little difficult for us, I was in the military, and married couples bring
home the cash in the military. So I posed the question of us getting married
for all the extra money, she accepted. Although we had been living together
for a couple years and were in love, I just think that was definately the
wrong reason.
So, now currently we are just two people living in the same apartment. I try
to think back on what went wrong, and here is my perspective.
I already stated that I met her while I was in the military. I was stationed
in Germany (she is German), and I extended my 3 year tour a few times and
finally ended it after 7 years. I was a career soldier, but she refused to
leave her home and go with me where the military deemed I was needed, so I
ended my career to be with her in Germany. At first it was great! The burden
of the military was lifted from my back and I could give my wife my full
concentration. I learned German, and landed a decent job at an American
company. The first year was amazing.
Before I go any further I need to step back a second. First, the reason I
left my first wife was because I was deployed to Bosnia and while away she
had decided she couldn't wait and had numerous affairs. Second, while
married to my current wife I had to do a tour in Kosovo and while away she
fell out and had a brief affair with man she works with. I learned this on
my return and it completely crushed me. This was a women who had my full
trust after I had never believed I could trust another. This simply snapped
something in my subconcious.
Ok, so I am living in Germany now as a civilian and am learning many
things I never realized before. First, my wife and I have absolutely nothing
in common. I am into fitness and adventure sports, tattoos, going out with
friends, having fun, and when I see fit totally forgetting about being
responsible and just living for the fun of it. She on the other hand is
totally conservative, likes laying on the couch for an entire weekend,
smokes, and does nothing to improve her health. She is a little overweight,
but she always has been and I always told her it would never be an issue,
but deep inside it is for me although I will not voice it. I have tried to
find something in common we could share, like reading books by the same
author, or maybe we could share a bike ride, or a little weight training in
the gym, but nothing interested her so I gave up. I blame never really
noticing this before on the military because I was simply never around to
get to really know my wife. I was home maybe for three weeks and then gone
from a week to two months at a spell. So, I have accepted that we will
probably never be able to share hobbies or interests, but I am a very
emotional and sensitive man. I've always said I have the brain of a women
because I need what women need. Sex is not so important to me, not as
important as closeness, and sharing and emotional bonding. Her and I once
had that but shortly after her brief affair it simply stopped. Not sure if
it was because of the guilt she was feeling, or because maybe she was
thinking the grass may be greener on the other side, or what? However, our
relationship has gone only down since then. I have been dealing with this
for almost two years. I have tried talking to her about it, and at first she
would at least talk with me, but now as soon as I raise the topic she is on
defense and is asking why I can't let this go. So, our communications of the
matter has stopped. Now we pretend we are happy and talk in passing, but
everything is a living hell.

So,here is the part I know everyone knows it is leading up to. About six
months ago a women started to work in my group at my job. We instantly hit
it off as great friends. We joked and laughed about everything and got along
perfectly. Then one day she made a comment about how good I looked. Although
it was a major turn-on, I blew it off. Then a couple months later while
taking break outside at a picnic table we were laughung very hard about a
joke I had made and our eyes met and locked. At this point I felt love for
this women, and after a few weeks I learned she did at the same time as
well. So, we began an affair. Mind you she is married as well. Also, again
it isn't about the sex but how she makes me feel about myself when I am with
her. The little things she says and does for me is far more important than
anything physical. Things I feel I have been far too neglected at home, no
matter how shallow that sounds. I mean, my favourite adventure sport is
extreme mountain biking and she actually has been studying it to learn it so
she can have something to understand about me and hopefully share in the
future. If soul mates truly exist, then this one is mine. So, a couple
months ago we decided we were going to leave our spouses and go back to
America and meet up there to continue our lives. My spouse and I had a major
falling out about something else and I told her I was leaving and going
home. So for about a week and a half we didn't talk and I was making my
arrangments to go home. Then one Saturday I took the girlfriend with her two
daughters on a hike. We talked and she could tell something wasn't exactly
right with me. I told her I was having a hard time accepting the fact that I
was leaving my wife. So she told me if I wasn't certain, then I wasn't ready
to leave and to stay. So her and I broke it off, and I came home and made up
with my wife. Mind you she doesn't know about her. Then after a few weeks
things between us were just as worse as before and me and the girlfriend
started things back up. Although now she is determined to give her husband a
second chance (he is away with the military as well at the moment). I told
her I was willing to live each day one step at a time, because there is no
doubt in my mind that my wife and I are finished, and when she is ready I
will be waiting for her.

So her is my question for advice. Choose my wife after I have tried so hard
the past few years to find at least a threat to hold onto, or choose my
girlfriend who I have everything in common with and who makes me totally
happy, or should I do both women a favour and take my sorry [censored] away and
start my life new again?

BTW: I have children in America from my first marriage which my current wife
has never fully accepted. My first wife is an unfit parent and I could have
them after only a little legal complications, but fear to ask for sake of my
marriage. My girlfriend totally accepts them and thinks I am crazy for never
getting them, and if her and I end up together she has said she would love
to be their mother.

Thanks and I apologize for such a long story........

Advice from a mother: Make your CHILDREN your first priority. If that means you have to leave this wife because she won't accept them, then so be it. Definitely leave the girlfriend out of the picture. She already has a husband and children. Don't screw that up. The odds of an affair turning into a lasting marriage is somewhere around 5% because it's based on lies. Your children need you and MUST be your first priority. Nothing else would be right.

Advice from a former soldier and current military wife: Leave the military wives alone. It's hard enough to keep a marriage going in this crazy environment without bringing extra people into it. You've been there, you know how it is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So her is my question for advice. Choose my wife after I have tried so hard
the past few years to find at least a threat to hold onto, or choose my
girlfriend who I have everything in common with and who makes me totally
happy, or should I do both women a favour and take my sorry [censored] away and
start my life new again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say that you have tried so hard...try again using the concepts in this web site. You need to be honest with your wife...that is your responsibility and duty in your marriage.

I highly recommend posting your question in the Infidelity forum (General Questions II). Not only does that forum get far more traffic (more responses), but there are people there dealing with the same quesitons you are dealing with (better responses).

Read read read the concepts presented in this web site. There are many eye-opening articles on infidelity and even more on how to salvage the marriage you have all but p*ssed away (both you and your wife).

Good luck...there are wonderful people here who can help you make the right decision.

Smile

Both your wives had affairs first and you didn't learn anything.

Try reading the links below.

To the first response, thank you, I do hold my children in high regard but am terrified to try rasing them alone after being out of their lives for so long. I do know how military marriages and spouses operate, and am probably just a little crazy for getting myself into this situation, but anyway, thank you.

To the second response, thanks for the uplifting attitude. Although, for many reasons I am not sure if I truly want to re-build this relationship now. There are more reasons than just the failings of my marriage as to why I want to leave here and go home.

To the third response. My first wife cheated shortly after we had our first child before we were married. We were both only teenagers and me having a strong upbringing simply disregarded this and married her anyway for the sake of the child. Then I thought it was the "right" thing to do. Then a year after we were married and after our second child she simply left for a week or so and didn't bother telling me anything, I was worried to no end. Then on her return I learned that she had been with a couple men. Again, I felt responsibility to our family and believed she was sincere in telling me this would never happen again. So to better support my little family I joined the military. When deployed she did it again and this time I woke up and told her to leave. She came back with the same old stories but this time it fell on deaf ears. So, my current wife also has done this once to me. I am one to believe anyone can make a mistake and forgave her. So did I learn anything? Yes, I did. I learned that no matter how much you love or care for someone, when temtation presents itself all that is out the window. Like I said, when my current wife cheated it snapped something subconsiously in me and I told myself that when I had the chance to do the same, I would. Is it right, no, does it justify all that has been done to me, no. What it does do is let me see this infidelity issue from the other side of the fence. Truthfully, I don't feel guilty either, at least none that I can sense. I have been neglected what I feel a person needs in a relationship for far too long and I have found this in another women. I didn't choose her or go looking for her. The stars were aligned correctly and this just happened, and honestly I am happy with her. Happier than I am in my marriage. It sounds shallow and self-centered, but I have always done what was needed for my wife, current and ex, and now I decided to do what makes ME happy.

Then get end the relatiosnhip & divorce BEFORE you continue on with this woman.