I just need someone to talk to. I don't know if I'm in the right place or not but if anyone can give me some feedback, please do. All I ask is no one bashes me, believe me, I do it enough to myself. I'll try to briefly explain my situation without getting to lengthy.
I am a 25-year-old wife and mother. My husband and I have been together since we were 17-18 and have a 6-year-old daughter. We didn't marry until 2001. Nine months prior to our wedding, he had a one-night stand. It wasn't until about 6 months into our marriage that I discovered this one night stand. I had "heard" through the grapevine, confronted him and he confessed. I chose, at that time, to try to work out my marriage. I felt betrayed, depressed, no good, the whole 9. Since then, which was about a year and a half ago that I found out, I have had an ongoing affair with a friend's cousin. I am a person who seeks revenge and I'm very stubborn, there's no negotiating. My husband and I have split up countless times within the past year. At first it was because I couldn't deal with his one night stand. Now it's because I am guilt ridden. My intentions were to sleep with this other man to get my revenge and be done with it. What I didn't realize is that I was in for a long ride. I fell for him, I have developed feelings for him and we have started a relationship. My husband and I have been separated for most of this past year than together. We are separated right now. I told him yesterday about my seeing someone else although I didn't tell him time frames or anything else really about the affair. I am getting suicidal. I am confused. I love my husband and I want to make it work but I feel like I have done him so wrong that it can never work. I couldn't forgive him if he did the same to me. I want my family back. I hate myself for what I've done, my little girl is suffering even more. Should I tell him everything? Should I even try to work it out after what I've done? I know he's the man for me it's just that I couldn't accept that he slept with this other person without me getting my revenge. Since we've been separated he has been seeing other women but denies sleeping with any of them which I find hard to believe. Please, I am begging anyone to just give me some advice. I turned into this terrible person after I found out about his one night stand. I started going out every weekend with my girlfriends, drinking, staying out until 3 a.m. I have been neglecting the needs of my daughter and putting my selfish acts of betrayal on the front burner. If anyone can just tell me, has anyone been through this? Am I that bad of a person? I need my husband in my life. He's my soul mate, we got together at such a young age and I wish I could just take everything back and do it over again so I could make things better. Please, I'm desperate.

Distinguish...I'm not the right person to give you advice, but I want to let you know you've come to the right place. I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly. Nobody here is going to attack you. I want to encourage you to do four things:
1) if you are feeling suicidal, call 1-800-SUICIDE right now

2) there is an incredible amount of invaluable (but free) information available on this web site. Start with the basic concepts and then make sure to explore the pages on infidelity

3) Copy and paste your message into a new post in a more active forum. You should probably post in the General Questions II Section of the Infidelity forum. You will get MUCH better response there.

4) Have faith. You are not alone. There are many people here that can help you utilize the Harley concepts to rebuild your marriage. Be strong and keep your head up. Don't give up on your marriage.

Smile

distinguish78, You are not a terrible person, you are human. You know that you did wrong and are sorry. I don't know if you're a Christian or not, or if you'd care from advice from one, but you don't have to die for what you did - Jesus already did! You would get relief from turning your life over to Him, telling Him you're sorry, and asking for His help to get through this.
Smileaday was right, also - if you really feel suicidal, call the suicide hotline. Do not give up on yourself. Everything seems horrible right now, but YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS! There will be plenty of people on this message board who will help you all they can. Let us know how things go!

I am sorry for your pain. It certainly was wrong for your husband to have a one night stand 9 months before you were married but this certainly pales in comparison what you have done for revenge which has resulted in the destruction of your marriage.
This is just my suggestion but try to sit down with your husband and show him this message you have written. Show him true remorse and ask him if you can both go to counseling to try to restore this marriage. It is important to tell him that you love him and send a no contact letter to your cousin. Only by being honest and open can you hope to rebuild your marriage based on respect and honesty. You can see what happens when pride got in your way. Your revenge made it impossible for you to allow yourself to be in a happy marriage. I am not justifying what your husband did but he did it before you were married and you have had an ongoing sexual affair while you were married. You thought you were hurting him but of course all it did was hurt you but you know this now.
You need to be honest with your husband because if you are not and he eventually finds out which he will then all hope is probably lost. In short, be honest, show remorse, ask for counseling and ask him to open his heart for forgiveness. When you are honest with him you are in fact respecting him otherwise what do you really have?
I wish you luck.