Hello Again My Recovering Sisters....<P>Thanx so much for all of your kindness...I sincerely appreciate each and every response I recieved!! Infact last night I shared my posting and all the responses to it with my spouse....I think he was quite surprised to hear that every one else had said almost verbatim what I'd expressed to him initially. I shared it in love. He actually listened. I'm praying that it was food for thought for him!! <P>My question today ladies is....how do you handle the embarassment of it all with family members and friends?? I don't see the point in hiding it...in fact I've already told my father. (probably shouldn't have...but my Mom is deceased...and I needed the affection from someone I know who loves me) Naturally my father was hurt for me & pissed at spouse. Daddy called last night and asked how I was fairing...I told him that I'm taking it day by day. His response was...don't feel like you have to stay!! You're not obligated to be a fool. He reminded me of 2 aunts I have who dealt with infidelity and OC and how miserable their lives were...how the H's never stopped cheating. One aunt is deceased and her H is still rolling right along....the other aunt is divorced...her H left her for one of his flings. When I think about it...it is a scary thing!! <P>Another thing I failed to mention in my post yesterday....when H told OW that he had come clean with me she got extremely angry....told him she felt she had lost the edge (the nerve of her)....he told her that she had. Anyway...please continue to feed me wisdom....I'll be eternally grateful!!<P>Much Love...<P>Broke-Down

me. I <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

Broke-Down, I havent read your other post. Im going from top to bottom on the forum. Anyways, Ive told my close friends and my parents. I made H tell his family and friends. H was so pissed that i insisted they know. Our son is really close to his grandparents (all of them) so I didnt want to "hide" it from anyone. Everyone took it really hard. I still dont know if im going to stay or not. Im still on this emotional elevator!! Are you staying in your marriage? I like coming here because everyone in my life is ready to help me pack. Here its like everyone really thinks things can and will get better. My dad thinks this place is for women who cant or wont face reality! So I dont tell him more than I have to. So just be prepared. Overall I have gotten great support from my family. Im glad I told them. I really need them. His Parents took it harder than I expected! Hope it goes well for you. Good Luck and Hope to see you around.

broke-down,<P>none of my family know. i guess it is just me trying to protect my H. my father loves him so much, and though i know he would forgive him, it would be such a hard thing to get past. my sister doesn't know, mainly because she wouldn't be able to keep it to herself. i have told 3 of my close friends, and they have been very supportive. they are all married women, and though they haven't been through it, have been great. though i am sure they tire of me talking about it. that is why i come here.<P>my reasons aren't about protecting me or my feelings. it is more about H. i know why i stayed. i love him, know we have a strong marriage, and believe it will never happen again. what we have is worth fighting for. and what gives me any reason to believe if i had left him i would have found a "perfect" husband? nothing. because there is no perfect anything. i love my H for who he is, not what he has or hasn't done. <P>my h's brothers and mother know. his brothers basically stay out of it, and his mother just was upset that he had done what he did, but she really didn't tell him what to do either way.<P>i sometimes wish i could tell my sister, but then i know i would worry she would tell our dad, etc. eek.<P>good luck on your journey to repairing your marriage! it can be done. prayers for you.<P>happy_girl<P>

BD,<BR>I didn't tell my family for nearly a year. I did not want their reactions to cloud my decision of whether or not to stay with my H (I considered H to be "on probation"). I told ONE good friend (who had been cheated on in her first marriage, who knew the XOW, who I knew could keep it to herself) and I told my therapist. I'm glad I did it that way. By the time I told my (divorced)parents, I was able to frame it as "here is what has happened and here is our decisions. I hope you can support us." I have since also told some of my friends and I'm surprised that they've all been supportive! I have asked my folks not to tell my extended family until we've told our own kids.<P>As for H's family, the XOW had the nerve to send my MIL (who XOW does not even know!)a birth announcement and baby pictures! She named the kid after my MIL! But MIL has never responded and been very supportive of us. FIL doesn't know (that we know of) but H told his siblings.<P>Not everyone is a serial adulterer. Affairs-help.com has a quiz to help identify what TYPE of affair it was, and that was very helpful to me. I saw a documentary on which a former adulterer said something like: it was so painful I don't ever want to do something like that again!

LSB - Do you honestly think that you can keep such a big secret forever? Don't you think that your family will eventually find out. Doesn't it bother you that some day this child, when she is say 18 will come knocking at your door and HATE you because YOU kept her from having a relationship with her daddy? Then maybe you will understand what is wrong with the HATE that you have encouraged and held on to. You take no responsibility for anything. You have referred to yourself as a christian and as an innocent. Well first off true christians don't breed hate. They forgive. Secondly you are more innocent then other parties but obviously you bare some responsibility....your marriage obviously wasn't perfect or he wouldn't of fell in love with another woman (and it was you that said it was love). So LSB...look at what your doing...breeding hate....hate will only get you hate.

Broke-Down:<P>I would suggest that you spend some time reading the MarriageBuilders <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Concepts</A>, and especially the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement</A>. You and your husband should learn to make decisions together, in a way in which it ends up as a "win-win" situation for the two of you. Doing this will protect and build your love for each other. I'd suggest that you order Harley's book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Give and Take</A>, which has a good deal of information on how to use the POJA and how to negotiate with your spouse in a safe way that builds love between the two of you.<P>Lurking Woman: You're ranting against the HATE that lsb feels. I'm going to be blunt with you: are you a mean-spirited shrewish trouble-maker, or are you just the most insensitive woman on the planet (maybe you're a guy...).<P>lsb is simply dealing with her situation as best she can, right now. Perhaps she'll "evolve" and be able to do as you suggest. Maybe not. You berating her for this and accusing her of HATE is completely unwarranted. If you persist in these attacks, I will email the admin and suggest that you be banned from these boards.<P>It's OK to have a contrary opinion. It's not OK to jam it down someone's throat when they're suffering.

I am going to email the administrator to ban lurking woman from posting.I am tired of her hateful replies to me, when I never once mentioned hate in my post. If she is not banned, I may stop coming here. I am tired of her and all the others who cause trouble. I have had enough.

I really feel that Lurking woman has a hidden motive behind her posts, why else would she only respond to lsd in this thread. The post was started by someone asking a very important question. A question which I am going to be dealing with in the near days to come. The next few days for me and this weekend are going to be the first meeting my family has with oc and knowing about him. Many others responded to the question addressed by Broke-down, yet Lurking Woman choose to only attack lsb on her responce. I too second what lsb has posted, I am all for having this Lurking Woman banned. I would really hate to see lsb leave this forum. Her posts and the reponses to them have been helpful to me, and I would hate to see her go, she has been a true forum user not a forum abuser. I am interested on getting some imput as to my family and how I am going to deal with this weekend, but I will post again later, right know I am too mad to even think of how I want to word the help I am looking for today. Thanks, talk to you all again soon, Peace. Gabi1116

I just wanted to say it truly depends on your relationship with family and friends. We (H and I) are fairly close to our families. I hate to say this but I agree with LW !!! I think sheS kinda right. I mean...about keeping " the secret" for ever! That is why I decided that was best for me. Like I stated earlier...I'm glad they know. And for "protecting" my H... I think thats BS. I really feel that way. He wasnt happy about ME decideing our family SHOULD KNOW. But he didnt worry about protecting me or my son. Much less our feeling! So dont let that be the reasoning for NOT telling family (if you are close). But this isnt something you want on a billboard either!! So just do what is right with your gut. Good luck. And take as long as you need to decide. And work on your marriage if thats where you want to be. Take Care ALL.