Dear All:

My situation may be different from many; but then again, this is only my assumption. By writing to this forum, I hope that I may find other men who have experienced and reacted to physical abuse in a similar way.

I am a 40 year old man. Although I am an American, I live in the country of Finland and have been here since 1997. I am recently divorced from my Finnish wife with whom I shared a marriage of nearly 17 years. Along the way, we had two great children.

We were married in 1985. The two years surrounding our marriage though were extremely tumultuous. It was during this time that I experienced painful physical abuse. My fiancee/wife scratched me about my arms, torso and face on several occasions over a period of about 18 months. I remember the terrible shame and embarrassment associated with her actions. I hid it all though. When we visited friends, I remember choosing to wear a type of shirt (turtleneck) which would cover the scratches. I told no one. I helped her cover it up and told her that it would be ok. It did not turn out ok though.

Why didn`t I just get away from her? How could I allow her to scratch me again and again? Quite a question! I remember thinking about leaving her, but because I loved her so, I stood by her. I also knew that she had a difficult childhood, a father who abandoned her and abused alcohol, etc. I sympathized with her and tried to be her savior. But in the end, I became a target I guess for the pain her father caused her.

By the middle of 1987 though, things seemed to settle down between us. I have never been physically abused again by her since that horrible time. However, the mental scar of the abuse has stayed with me and has affected me more than I ever realized. As I look back, I see that the abuse disillusioned my respect for my wife and for our marriage. And I never showed her anger for the abuse I experienced. Instead, I kept it all secretly inside. Eventually though the pain had to come out; sadly in the form of "secret revenge". Once in 1989 and then again in 1990, I committed adultery. I remember consciously thinking that this was to be revenge for the physical abuse I incurred back between 1984-1986. And once the infidelity occurred once, it destroyed any hope of our life long marriage. My wife`s attitude about infidelity always was black and white. One time, and the marriage is over; no excuses.

I committed adultery 4 further times in 1998, 1999 and in 2001. Each adultery was of the one night stand variety. No relationships were formed nor maintained. Once I did it once though, I guess my rationale was; what difference would it make? If one time already equaled divorce, then nothing would really matter. Deep down, I wanted to get caught. I was crying out because of the terrible guilt; trapped inside a relationship which had no hope of survival.

Perhaps a time line will help clarify things:

Time Line:

I am born July 1963
She is born August 1963
We Meet September 1980
Engaged August 1981

Physical abuse
experienced(scratched badly
on the face, torso, and face
on several occasions) Fall 1984 - Spring 1986

Married June 1985

June 1989 Commit Infidelity
October 1990 Commit Infidelity
April 1991 Son born
June 1993 Daughter born
November 1998 Commit Infidelity
November 1999 Commit Infidelity
May 2001 Commit Infidelity
September 2001 Commit Infidelity
June 2002 Confess infidelities
June 2002 Wife starts relationship with other man
July 2002 Wife files for divorce
February 2003 Wife moves out
April 2003 Divorce official

My question to this forum is whether physical abuse can lead to the committing of adultery in the form of "secret revenge". Please help me understand why I did things to hurt the woman I love. What went wrong with me? Why couldn`t I have faced her with my pain, rather than take this "secret revenge".

Seeking to understand,

Standing in Finland

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 05:40 AM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]</small>

Sometimes I think cheating is a symtom of a more serious condition. Sounds like you did not handle her abuse the right way and things ended in the wrong way. Revenge is never the answer.
Counseling for how we handle things helps us undestand ourselves better. This would benefit your own psychie and whatever happens to you in the future. Seek an answer. I don't know if the abuse was really the excuse but know that most of us don't handle things the right way and advocate for change within. Heal with your ex-wife even if it does not produce a husband/wife relationship between you two, you will have a better time with the children you are co-parenting.

Standing,

How're you doing?

I haven't read anything from you for awhile.

I don't really know the answer to your question, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in being the victim of this kind of abuse. I've suffered it also.

One time, about a month before my W moved out, an incident occured on the evening before my birthday. I'll skip the details of the context in which it happened, but I had learned by then to take it stoicly. I found that my "taking it" had a powerful effect on my wife - made her feel her guilt more intensely.

W (with our baby in the room - perhaps in my arms, but I'm a bit fuzzy about it now), tried to tear my ears off - and also scratched my arms (did the arms again about a month ago - for the first time in a long time). There was blood dripping off my chin running down from my ears. She took the baby and left. I remained calm. I asked her if she was calm enough to drive. She said she just need to get out and cool off.

After she left, I cleaned myself up and decided that I didn't want to spend my birthday like that - so I took off and didn't call for 24 hours. I had never done that before and I have not done it since.

When I called, I found that she had my brother and the police out looking for me - was afraid something had happened to me, was very appologetic etc. Six weeks later, she moved out - in what turned out to be an 18-month separation.

I have never felt like getting revenge against her for these attacks, but I know that the tension is always present in our marriage because of these violent incidents. When she is angry, I'm always on alert. I don't turn my back on her. I don't sit where she can kick me. I watch her. It makes me more tense, and she senses that - but probably doesn't understand why.

I've been hit, scratched, kicked (even in the face), beaten with graphite rods, hit with a strong wooden stick (which was broken across my forearm), even bitten and had my hair pulled (while driving on one occation). No broken bones, no stitches fortunately.

As in your case, it has declined with time and, I think, will soon dissapear completely.

From what you wrote, I'm guessing you have been to a counsellor and the C dug this out.

-AD

Standing,

While we both know it is never okay to have an affair, I wanted to address the question you posed half way through your post here.

I think that any spouse making a break because of physical abuse has his/her feelings of pain compounded by feelings of low self esteem (how could I allow this to happen to me?) but also guilt (I'll be a bad spouse if I somehow expose the actions of my spouse, even if the "calling
him/her out" is only by means of my leaving. I'm a woman, but I can only imagine that the above feelings would be compounded if the "usual" gender roles we mostly hear about for abuse (male abuser, female abusee) were reversed.

Did your Ex ever lash out physically at the children, to your knowledge, or just you?

I am sorry for your pain. Hang in there.

aaa