My H has just disclosed his affair. His story is that she was a friend for approx 2 years and they had a "one night stand". He told me because she is PG and wants to keep the baby. He says he has no emotional ties to her, but I am having difficulty believing his one-night stand story. We have been married six years and have a three y/o daughter. I am obsessed with wanting to know the details of his affair. He says his "invovlement" with the child depends on my decision, he wants to work on our marriage. We already pay child support for his two previous children, how much am I expected to take!! <P>Please help,<P>Still in Shock!

Dear MJ7,<P>I just wanted to welcome you to the MB forum. Although you would rather not need this, I can assure you that it is a wonderful place to gain support and advice from people who have all been through the same experience.<P>We have many wonderful men and women here who can help you or just listen when you need to vent. We have all felt out of control and frustrated as you sound. And we have all had doubts about what we were expected to do.<P>Let me reassure you that, since you have just found out, your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for the next few months. It took me at least 3-4 months to become reasonable enough to think straight. <P>You have lost the marriage that you believed you had and that means you have the right to mourn. You will go through all of the phases -- disbelief, anger, sadness, but then at the end you will resolve many of these feelings and become whole enough to start rebuilding your life.<P>Your H sounds committed to the marriage and that is one step in the right direction. I would suggest that you read all of the principles by Dr. Harley on the Marriage Builders Forum and share them with your husband. From now on, you should be operating as a team - making decisions together that you both will feel comfortable with.<P>It is not an easy road, but there are many couples in recovery on this forum who can tell you that marriage may be different but it can definitely be as good, if not better than it was. Facing this problem and dealing with its causes sometimes opens up a new level of communication and intimacy between you and your mate.<P>There are also wonderful books available from the bookstore and the library on relationships and affairs. The information in these books will help you to identify the problems that you and your H are facing and give you strategies to deal with them. Read as much as you can -- that helped me a great deal.<P>Prayer also helped me to focus on my inner self and to find out what my heart was truly saying and what my needs were throughout this ordeal.<P>We are here to support you, offer comfort, cry with you and scream with you. Just take one day at a time and give yourself time to heal. Check in often and post here when your emotions start to overwhelm you.<P>Again, welcome. Prayers to you,<BR>love,<BR>heavenly

Dear MoJo7,<P>Well, you have come to the right place for advice and support. I, however, am on the oposite side of the tracks in the situation, as I had the baby from the A. There are many other women on this board who are, and have been in your shoes. I am sure they will be along to offer advice soon. I offer you and your H my prayers.<P>Tigger

Dear MJ7,<P>I forgot to mention that it is absolutely NORMAL to want to know all of the details. Your H may be reluctant to share the details because of his fear that it will hurt you more. But my H and I went to counselling at the beginning, and the counsellor told my H that it was particularly important that he answer my questions, no matter how painful they might be for each of us. <P>But he did caution me about asking "Why did you do it?" because there is never going to be an answer that is acceptable. The simple truth is likely to be that your H made an error in judgement. <P>The counsellor also pointed out that if there is a time when the questions are becoming counterproductive (the answers are hurting you more than helping you to grow through this problem), then you should decide on your own not to ask anymore. <P>I posted a "Letter asking the WS to tell the truth" yesterday. You should see it on the main list. You might want to read that because it suggests approaches to use to make your H understand why it is important for you to know the truth about the A.<P>By the way, WS stands for "Wayward Spouse"<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Mojo7, I want to let you know I am here for you too.You can see my posts from last 2 months--briefly, H informed me he had had on/off again A for 3 years which produced a child, now 1. He was hoping it would all go away until paternity was established and he had to tell me because the CS was coming out of our joint account. I was so shocked upon learning this-had no idea, no warning, no clue. We have been married over 20 years, have two kids ages 8 and 4, and he has never done this at all. Tried to convine OW to abort/adopt child out, she refused, wanted a child which she did not have up till then. I couldn't eat for 5 days, have lost 14 pounds which I have yet regained, and have been furious at H and OW. Now, 3 months later, I have better days, off days, sad days, tearful days, and once and a while I feel like my old self. It is a completely difficult thing to deal with.<BR>I recommend: one, ask H for details, but be careful. I asked lots of questions although H thought the answers would only hurt me. Some did, and when they starting hurting more than helping me, I stopped asking for details.As he said, I knew the worst-the affair and OC. What could be worse than that? <BR>TWo, get counseling.WE are in couples counseling, it has been very difficult for both of us and H really hates it but it has allowed us to state what each of us needs and wants concerning OW/OC.H initially wanted contact, thought I would open my life to OC, intended to tell kids ASAP. I thought he was totally nuts, told him I was prepared to divorce him if he had contact. He now chooses not to have contact to save us. Counseling brought that issue to the forefront.<BR>Now,I think we have to start to reconnect with each other,a nd I hope counseling helps with that as well.<BR>Four, read all you can, post here.The women are wonderful and have helped me tremendously. I have told no one of the A/OC and if I did't have the forum, I would be much more crazy than I feel daily.<BR>I will be thinking of you.

Dear MOJO,<P>Welcome to MB. There are wonderful people on here to listen and understand and sometimes give great advice. We laugh and cry together.<P>how far along is ow? I would suggest not making any decisions yet as to how to handle oc. And I definaltely suggest dna is she insists it is his and wants him to pay child support.<P>There is hope for your marriage. We all have good days and bad days, but eventually there are more good than bad and then one day you will find yourself looking at your H admiring him. You can be strong again, but it will take time and work. I was obsessed by details and never really had that satisfied. My H claimed and still claims he doesnt remember much.../although he told ow he loved her and yada yada yada. PUKE! lol..anyways, it does get better.<P>Come here when you need someone. There are people who try to understand but empathy is hard to come by in this situation. I will pray for you and yours.<P>Love<P>broken_wings

Thank you everyone. OW is apprx six weeks PG. I'll be coming here often, you've all made me feel a little better already.<P>Thanks again so much...

Mo Jo<P>youve got plenty of time to think about how to handle oc. Concentrate on your marriage for now. Read my reply to you under Freedom Hawks Bad Hair Day.<P>Love<BR>bw

Mojo,<P>I'm too am sorry to have to welcome you to our "club." But the good news is... you found us. The women and men here are saints. Everyone is wise in their own way and is willing to share their stories with you. Many have chosen different paths to their own personal happiness. It just proves that everyone is unique in their opinions, personalities, life choices, etc.<P>So read read read all the posts, Harley's material and anything you can get your hands on. Then talk talk talk with H. Communication is a very important factor in your marriage right now. Reconnect, get on the same page and make your marriage better than it ever was.<P>One other great thing is you have about 8 months to solidify your marriage. Having an OC is the toughest thing a marriage can encounter. You have been blessed with time to prepare your relationship for the many decision and experiences that are going to come once that rollercoaster ride begins. I only wish I had a couple of months to heal my marriage before deciding on visitation, CS, OW contact, etc. So my advice, don't waste a minute in your recovery and rebuilding.<P>Best of luck. We are all here for you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

mojo7,<P>welcome to marriage builders. sorry you have to be here, but glad you have found it so soon after discovery. it seems much easier to find this place. i remember looking anywhere for someone "like me". everyone has said everything, so i just wanted to say welcome, and send some prayers for you!<P>happy_girl

MoJo7, I have yet to believe OW and am waiting for the birth to decide. If you decide to remain in marriage this is going to effect you for the rest of your life. As well as your family!!! So concentrate on what you want/need for yourself. Then worry about OC. How far is OW? Mine is 3 or 4 months. H says its not his! Take your time in deciding!Just about everyone here is wonderful. Sorry you are here, but welcome. Good Luck.

MoJo,<BR>just wanted to say Hi and that I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling. There are alot of great people here that will help you get alot of those questions answered that h cant. With love flowerseed

MoJo welcome. You have found a site where many people have been there done that. They are full of ideas and hope and encouragement. Stick around for some healing words.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Welcome MOJO: (former name IN THE SOUTH)<P>There is life after the PA is found out. Unfortunly there is a lot of advice on this forum. Some of us have renewed our lives to making our marriage work and accepting the oc. I my case two oc's.<P>Keep pray in you life daily, think about YOU want, because it IS up to you. Take control of your life and know that your are not along.<BR>G&P

Welcome and sorry for your pain. we know it well.<BR>Keep posting.<BR>I'll run up my post for newbies again.<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny-over 2 years in recovery!