Today is one of THOSE days.<BR>The anger monster is lose, on the prowl and hungry!!<BR>I want so badly to seek out OW, get right up in her face and say "Look B****, you jumped right into a place where you had no right to be and you know it. You messed up a whole lot of things that you had no right to mess with at all. Now I want my turn!! I want to turn your life upside down, I want to make you feel like a worthless piece of s***, I want to make you hurt the way I have hurt."<BR>I have mowed lawn, I have scrubbed burner pans, I have ripped up three phone books. It has not hellped.<BR>I am totally possesed by the anger revenge demon and it has been a fight all day not to give into it . <BR>I am so tired of wasting so much of my time, my life, trying to deal with emotions that some selfish little twit caused me to have and it is so hard not to do the same to her!!<BR>I am venting. If I don't I am afraid of what I will do.<BR>My temper is something that I have learned to control with a lot of hard work and over a long period of time. It is real close to controlling me right now. That is not good and I know it, but anger is a powerful emotion. I am feeling its power. <BR>I do not know where else to go with it but here, because I guess right now I feel that no one else would understand the power of the anger I am feeling right now.<BR>Only people who stand where I stand can know.<BR>You are those people. <BR>If it doesn't go somewhere, it will explode all over in one big ugly mess. I hope I have done the right thing in bringing it here to try to get rid of it.<BR>Somehow I have to believe that the souls that come here can understand.<BR>And what frustrates me the most is that I don't even know what it was that has set it off.<BR>It just came out of nowhere for no apparent reason.<BR>That scares me.<BR>It is not even justifiable anger, it is just pure unaldulterated anger.<BR>Cannot pinpoint any particular source, so can't even work on overcoming the source.<BR>Bloodlust!!!<BR>Tell me that I am normal!!!!!!!!

I can understand your anger. My H has just told me one week ago that the OW is PG with his child. I don't know what to do, I am trying to direct my anger towards my H, believing the the OW is not significant. Wouldn't it just have been someone else if not her specifically?<P>I wish I could offer you some comfort, but I am new at this also, please try to "wait" out your anger, it will be replaced soon, but probably by sadness.<P>Hang in there!

Dearest Mojo, so sorry to hear that yet another has begun down the path that so many of us have been asked to walk.<BR>You are beginning an incredible journey that will be filled with so many different emotions.<BR>As I write this I find that the anger in my heart is being replaced by the feeling of compassion. Compassion for you and what I know you are going to encounter in this journey that has unfortunately become yours.<BR>I try not to direct all of my anger at my H as he is only one party in the mess that was created. The OW knew that he belonged to another woman and she made the selfish choice to be with him anyway. No one held a gun to her head.<BR>If she would have walked away NONE of us would be going through any of the things that we go through today, her own self included. <BR>I guess I am just one of those females who expect a whole lot more out of a woman than I do out of a man. <BR>I have known about OW for almost two years now. OC confirmed as being my H's in Jan of this year. I thought that by this time I would be past this intense anger but maybe it is just all finally coming to a head. It has been a long two years of waiting for so many answers. Feel like I have been living with an ax hanging over my head and waiting to fall and strike just another blow.<BR>Why have I had to endure that?<BR>Because she couldn't leave another woman's man alone.<BR>Why?<BR>Because she was bored and it was something to do.<BR>How is that for a reason for sleeping with a man that you know belonged to another woman?<BR>Here I go getting angry again.<BR>Need to go back to you.<BR>Need to fill my heart with compassion for you to replace my anger for her.<BR>I wish there was something that I could say to you that would magically make it all just disappear for you. You know, wave a magic wand and make it all a bad dream. Kiss the owie and make it better.<BR>I can't do that for you.<BR>I can't even do that for me.<BR>But I can be here for you, and say, believe me, I do understand what you feel, and reach out to you when you are in need, just like you reached out to me. <BR>Thank you.

Freedom Hawk, I too have felt the anger and wrath at OW-I actually think it is justified, because although my H and her share equal responsibility for affair, they both were using each other for sex, I hold her accountable for the existence of the OC and our very high CS payments. The OW didn't want to use birth control,had no kids, always wanted kids,etc. and I think used husband's inexperience with other women having sex with him ( I was his only other partner) to create a child. I also know H did not want pregnancy to continue, would have opted for adoption or abortion, and saved us from this pain for our life. So I blame OW for continuing this pain for all of us.<BR>Having said that, 3 months into discovery, I find I still have episodes of anger, at OW and H, butless at H --still at OW-I think I always will=and more I feel sadness-it is like they say , we all face the stages of grief, and anger comes first, sadness and depression are 2nd. I am not sure I like this phase any better, but it is does move on. I am with you.Express the anger, do not hurt self or others, it will get better.

Dear FH,<P>Hi and welcome to our little family. I have sworn off this place for a while bc all the crashers were making me angry again and I know anger is sooooooooo hard to get rid of. But I couldnt help responding to your post.<BR>The anger is perfectly normal, yet still so hard to handle. It has been 2 yrs since dday for me and I still do it. Not so often or uncontrollably anymore though. Just sneaks up on me every once in a while in the form of H not taking out the trash or cleaning the ferret cage or making a decision with out me. Then I get unbelievably angry, but its the old A monster creeping up on me. It will eventually get better.<BR>I tried several things and only some worked. Here's what worked for me...coming here....yelling to my trusted friends..sometimes having a good cry....writing letters to anyone I was angry at....sometimes just screaming good and loud and not caring...bubble baths...and most of all I am now doing something to improve myself and I will be starting school at the end of this month. But, I do know the anger you are talking about. I would get the shakes and I felt like doing physical harm to ow and h. Ow was on the other side of the country though and my H walked into the same house I lived in...so he was in more danger. I took most of my anger out on my H at first and was way too nice to ow. Then when ow took herself and child out of our lives I felt it was all for nothing. I never got to tell ow what I thought of her. Then I was angry at that. That I had wasted so much energy being nice to the self-centered little whore. So the cycle continues...but that isnt all bad. Now the cycle is controlable and doesnt always lead to the A. Now we work together and I am a little more high strung than I was when we first got married and a little paranoid, but I am sure that will go with time too. I hope this helps at least a little. It wil get better.<BR>Prayers and Love<P>broken_wings

Okay, now I'm p*ssed at OW. I guess I have been all along. What is a person to do? Do you try to contact OW to see if she'll tell you the truth when you know H is lying. I was thinking it was best not to rock the boat. But that sounds stupid. I know I am stuffing my anger and that it's not good. My H told me he wants to work on our marriage, but then he threatened me he would tell OW to get a restraining order against me it I try to call her again (tried twice, she hangs up)I guess H REALLY doesn't want me to talk to her. This oly re-inforces my suspicion it was more than a friendship that resulted in a "one night stand"<P>UGH!!!!!

MoJo,<P>Gotta agree with you...sounds like he is still hiding. My H did the same thing. I would not suggest you call ow for details, bc seh will just lie too. Does your H still talk to ow? If so he must stop. There is no healing to be done if he is still contacting her. Believe me I know. <P>Ow in my case one day decide she was going to tell me "the truth" Some was and some was not. In my situation it helped bc she went overboard and got very vulgar and H changed our phone # and cut all contact. But if she decideds to talk to you just know that she isnt doing it for you for your best interest.<P>Now one more question....why would H tell her to put a restraining order on YOU? Who is he trying to protect? He wants the marriage to work right? Go to Harley's absic concepts and read Policy of Joint Agreement. Also I would suggest Surviving An Affair, by Harley...you can order it on this site and it gets there pretty quick.<P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

I guess one of my main questions is, how does H break all contact if she is having his baby. I would feel better if I knew she was gone forever but he says his involvement with the PG and OC depends on what I decide to do?????<P>It just feels so unfair...I will order Dr. Harley's book. Thanks bw

Well, first of all he does not have to have any thing to do with the preg. That is about ow, not oc. I am a firm believer in that. My H was not, caused many probs.<P>There are many ways you could handle the situation if you choose to have contact with oc. The main one would be everyhting is done through you. You make the calls, you pick up oc, drop oc off, etc. Or you could maybe do it together. he does nothing alone, but I think the safest one for your sanity is for you to be the go-between.<P>The two fo you have plenty of time to think about this though. You will probably think of a million things while you are on your rollar caoster. I know at one point I thought I would divorce my h and live next door to him and that way my D would stillahve her daddy. Oh! I even thought of being "roommates". lol I was out of it for a while.<P>Love<P>bw

My H has had no contact with OW since the night she told him that she was pg and it was his. Sept 99<BR>He denied it and continued to deny it until paternity test proved otherwise.<BR>He wants absolutely nothing to do with her now.<BR>Yes...he is practicing the art of denial.<BR>In a way it is good that there has been no contact, however there are some very mean and hurtful things that she has said to me in phone conversations that she said that he said but he denies saying.<BR>Obviously one of them is lying.<BR>I need these issues confronted.<BR>I need them resolved before I can move on.<BR>Until they are I think a lot of the anger that I feel is going to stay with me.<BR>I am one of those fearless ones that likes to confront and be done with it and move on.<BR>He would rather pretend it didn't happen and hope it just goes away.<BR>I need to know that he is willing to confront her for the lies that he claims she told that caused futher damage.<BR>I need to know that he has the courage to do this for me.<BR>I guess I feel that he needs to stand up to her and to defend not only himself but me as well.<BR>Do I make any sense what so ever?<BR>I guess I feel that no one has held her accountable for HER actions, her words. And that is what brings on the incredible anger.<BR>Do I make any sense??

Hi Freedom,<P>I cried when I read your post...I wish I could feel all of what you are feeling...I am having a very hard time feeling...period...I want to be enraged..I want to throw stuff..I want to yell...BUT I cant and I just hurt...I look at my Husband the man I thought would protect me and take care of me...and he causes me so much pain...I wish my father was still living he would have taken care of me...My H had to do the blood test today....he said they took his picture and a finger print...then drew the blood...they are going to swap the baby (so she does not have to get stuck)..but now the OW is balking...first she didnt want the baby stuck...now I dont know anymore...I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and cant get off...I feel sick...BUT I AM THE STRONG ONE..I have to smile, make sure our 3 kids are taken care of and do my charity stuff...I dont want too...but if I dont people will ask questions...I just want to throw my hands in the air and run.....screaming the whole time ( without getting arrested ...lol)...you know I was the one who always had to have their s*&* together growing up and as an adult...people always looked at ME for ans...and I dont have any...for me...I am trying but I dont know what to do...I wish so much I could be like you and just let it out but I cant...it is not proper...all I have is God...and thats it..I need to be you just for an hour and I will be OK....I think...ok I need to wash my face and make sure the kids are OK...Love MyCross

what makes me angry, my H doesn't seem angry with OW. He did attend delivery,was still in affair, felt sorry for her I think and also believed he loved her at the same time. Yet said he never stopped loving me, never intended to end our marriage ever.?that makes me angry. He still has a hard time accepting the rage and anger I feel toward her, and by association, I cannot accept the OC-I don't hate her like the OW, but I do not embrace her either, never will..she represents the worst thing I can ever imagine ever happening to me-and like someone else said-I told my H that the death of my father was nothing compared to this-the worst than this would be death of one of my kids.This is 100 times worse, I think at first he didn't get that,since he was not leaving and still wante our family. Now, 3 months into it, he sees the pain on my face daily, the weight loss, the lack of joy in my life, and he knows what he has done has damaged me at times beyond repair. Now I think he gets it, and he lives daily he cannot totally make it up to me, cannot make it go away.But nonetheless, I pray daily the OW will go away, move, leave us alone.She lives way too close for my comfort, makes me paranoid,afraid I will run into her with my kids, whom she would recognize more than me. Hang in there, and vent here. It has been my salvation some days. I also write letters I never send to OW and sometimes H-the ones I have sent to him sometimes have not been helpful.The ones I want to send to OW would just inflame her,a nd I am trying to keep her at bay, but it helped to put thoughts to paper even if I don't send them.

freedom hawk, i just want to say that this anger is normal. i am usually an easy going happy person, but i still have a moment once in a great while where i get so angry. something little sparks it, and it just sets off a big old flame. but those days have now become few and far between, and i am basically my old pre-affair, pre-OC self.<P>sorry a meanie barged in on your post. ignore them, they go away. so will this anger. just give your self some time. i am 4 years past d-day, and i am so much better now.<P>prayers for you.<P>happy_girl

now it looks as if naivewoman thinks she is my OW. I am quite sure you are not, my H has confessed to who he has been with and who he has not. <BR>That is for me to know, not to confirm with you.But if my story sounds so familiar, how does it feel to know that he loves me forever and you were just a sex object?

DELETED BY MODERATOR<p>[This message has been edited by Tempest (edited May 04, 2001).]

lsb, just ignore this woman. it is the same person from before. same speech/writing patterns. i am so sorry she keeps coming back and targeting you. you are so strong though, i would have disappeared by now. keep your head up!!<P>happy_girl

DELETED BY MODERATOR<p>[This message has been edited by Tempest (edited May 04, 2001).]

happy_girl, I would love to be the person that I was before all of this happened. That is a lot of the anger towards both of them. Who gave them the right to change who and what I was into something that I dislike being??<BR>And all the the anger in the world won't change that and I know it.<BR>Only I can change who I am, only I can once again find that woman that I used to be. <BR>Between the two of them they have all but destroyed that woman. H has to look at that fact every day. Does it bother him. I don't honestly know. I cannot see into his heart. <BR>And what has she had to deal with?<BR>I guess she has had to accept the fact that in the choice between her and her child and me that he chose me.<BR>I really truly hope that that reality has ripped the everloving H%%% out of her heart!! <BR>You say it has been 4 years for you and you are finally getting back to who you used to be.<BR>That tells me there is hope.<BR>That also tells me that I need to be patient.<BR>I also keep trying to tell myself that in the long run that I will be a stronger person because of what I have endured.<BR>However that brings little condolance to me now.<BR>In all honesty, I would much rather be less strong and never had to experience this!!<BR>But then no one gave me too much choice in the matter.<BR>Like they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide.<BR>Someday, when I make it through this, I will have become one very formidable woman!!<BR>Hopefully I do not lose my love and compassion in the meantime!!<BR>I never have ever had such a deep seated desire to do emotional and or physically harm to another human being.<BR>Learning to deal with that desire that burns within is a new one for me. Sometimes, like today, I do not do too well that new aspect of my nature.<BR>To become angry is one thing, but this goes beyond anger.<BR>And I really thought that I had gone beyond that point in my journey. Guess I was wrong.<BR>

naivewoman,My H had an affair with our neighbor?that is really rich, since she is in her 70's and I always knew she liked him, he helps her out when she needs him to at her house.NOw I know I have some hot competition. Naivewoman, you are truly sad. So sorry your life is spent wasting on being cruel to hurting people.

DELETED BY MODERATOR<p>[This message has been edited by Tempest (edited May 04, 2001).]