I normally can't stand the woman's advice, but today on Dr., Laura I think she talked to a caller who felt her daughter was being hurt by not meeting a half sister from a father's affair.BElieve it or not, Dr. Laura said just because the first daughter felt hurt not missing her half sister did not give her the right to go seek out her 11 year old half sister and expose the affair and what her father did to child.Dr. Laura actually hoped the child would never learn of the infidelity or child, said the desire of the one child did not justify telling the other,since it would hurt her and she didn't need to learn that about her father.Even though others in the extended family knew. .So, something to think about.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

lsb, i listen to dr. laura sometimes, and sometimes i agree with her, sometimes i definitely don't. i wish i would have heard that one, because i always wondered what she would say. though once i remember her telling a woman whose H had recently found out he had a child from a relationship a long time before they were married, should become a father, see the child on weekends, etc. so i wasn't sure what her reaction would be. she can be extreme sometimes, and other days seems normal. thanks for sharing!<P>happy_girl

This experience really changes your perspective. I remember seeing a number of shows on Sally Jessy Raphael where she brings a couple and the H's OW together then gives the OW's baby a paternity test.<P>When she reveals the results, she asks the OW to hold the baby and sit next to the couple. In the cases where the paternity is positive, Sally usually starts asking right away to the H - what do you plan to do? are you going to help with the child? are you going to be a father to this baby? yada yada yada. <P>However, the ironic thing is she never asks the wife anything. And looking at those poor women's faces, knowing that you've been through that discovery, literally makes you sick. It's almost like society is reaffirming that the wife, who is also a victim, should immediately take a back seat to the OC.<P>Unless we start changing how we publicly portray this problem -- nothing is going to change. The sanctity of marriage seems to be a minor issue in relation to the infidelity.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

I have not talked to my church pastor, but I know some of the women posting here have, and I am comforted that many have been advised not to feel contact with OC should be the priority.That in fact, priority should be the marriage and the children from that established and church sanctioned union. I agree, heavenly, that more should focus on BS and less on the results of the infidelity on just the OC In fact, the infidelity has far wider devastation and effects, as we all know, and those innocents-the BS, the children of the BS, etc. really should take some priority. This experience has opened up my eyes, for sure, and never will I think I know what is best for anyone in this predictament.We all travel our own path on this sad journey, I just pray whicheve road you choose it works out for all to heal and live a happy life. For me, that happy life is without OC and OW in it, and I make no apology.

lsb:<P>My husband and I will never have any contact with OW or OC. And neither of us will ever make any apology for it either. It is if they never existed to us. We pay the money, go through the court stuff and dismiss it quickly from our lives. We have even made the court dates a day of dinner out, maybe a movie, a ride or a roll in the hay. Anything to take the focus off that and back onto us.<P>I think our method is rather healthy and positive...and it is a lot of fun too. We all do what we have to do to maintain.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>PS My husband and I attended Retrouvaille where the priest emphatically informed us the only responsiblity my husband had to the OC was financial and his first obligation and responsibility was to me and to our marriage.

In my case I remember H saying "I like Dr. Laura now" one day a while back. I'm guessing a guy called about an oc and she told him he must parent it.<P>Also, I feel our priest wasn't doing anything to heal our marriage. Early on he said he couldn't turn HIS back on his own innocent baby.ugh....<P>God must have another plan for me.<P>I wish it would hurry up and come to pass. <P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....