I dropped in today to read some posts. For those of you who know me, you know that I've been away for a while. For those of you who don't know me, I've been a regular member of this forum since last September. When I first came here, I was in a lot of pain. I wouldn't have made it through without the love and support that I found here. I was given unconditional support from women that I'd never met but who were also going through the same pain. I am forever grateful. I read some of the new posts today, particularly the ones regarding "hatred breeding" on this site because so many of us BS do not wish to have contact with OC. Well, I am one of those women who do not want contact with my H oc. I'm am fortunate that H never wanted any either so there was never any conflict in that area. I'm happy of this because there was already enough to deal with. I am a Christian woman and proud of it. I offer no apologies for my feelings of not wanting any contact with the oc. I have made my peace with God about this. I have talked to Him many times and He knows my heart. I will not feel guilty about something that I had nothing to do with. I won't have regretful feelings about oc who was born out of nothing but lies and deceit. I was never privy (thank God) to the lies and sneaking around that occured in order for this OC to be born, so I'm not about to feel guilty for the oc being here now. It's taking all that I have to have moved on with my life and my sanity in tact...not to mention my marriage. I've forgiven my H and we're moving on. Yes. he'll be paying child support for a long time, but that's his price for cheating in the first place. I don't contribute one red cent and my children will NOT be without so that he can pay for oc. I could not have made it through this mess without God's loving embrace and my faith in Him. Inspite of my not desiring any contact with this oc, I have never ever felt that God has punished me for this decision. My blessings are daily ones, big and small. I'm grateful for waking up each morning, I'm blessed with good health and healthy thriving children. My oldest daughter is about to graduate HS (she knows about all of this) and starts college in the fall, and my younger daughter (11) is doing very well in school and is happy and healthy (she doesn't know at all). I'm blessed that my children come home safe from school each day unharmed and that my H and I are gainfully employed and able to provide sufficiently for our family. I'm blessed with loving friends and family who have been there for me throughout this mess. I'm blessed because I know how awesome the God I serve is and how he protects me daily. With all these blessings, inspite of what some may call "selfishness" by not wanting contact with oc, I KNOW in my heart that I'm doing the right thing for me and my family. Now, what may happen in the future? Who knows! I'll deal with that when/if it happens. I'm not worrying about that today. Maybe the OC will come knocking asking WHY? Well, my H will have to explain that. In the meantime, I'm just happy that so much of the pain has stopped for me and I can once again look in my H's eyes and not feel anger and tears in mine. My marriage will never be what it once was, but that's ok. If nothing else, it's brought us together in a way that we never knew before. I'm not saying that I'll ever forget this. Other than losing a child (God forbid), I can't imagine anything more painful and hurtful. But there is life after an affair even when it produces another child. My H and OW knew exactly what they were doing. I've already worked so hard on learning to trust my H again - he's bent over backwards to earn my trust again and continues to do so every single day. He's very remorseful and has done everything to show it. But even though he is the one who betrayed me, I feel that I've worked just as hard at keeping our marriage together. Well, this is all I wanted say. I don't post much anymore because I'm at a place in my life where I'm doing ok on my own and I'm moving forward. I still think about all my old friends on here and will never forget you. to the "newbies" who are truely here for support, keep coming and posting. To the others who are here just to cause trouble...you're pathetic. Just like God has his people to come together to love and support each other, the devil has his people walking right in midst, trying to cause confusion and unrest. The devil hates cohesiveness and well being. Give him much to hate and let us continue to bask in all of God's blessings. <P>God bless you all.<P>Comfort

comfort41, I think you have replied to some of my posts in the past, and it is so nice to hear from you. YOur post reaffirms my decision not to have contact with OC, to be at peace with that even though H had initial thoughts of doing the opposite. I truly believe, as you do, that that is the only way I can heal, our life can heal, my marriage can heal. Am I to understand that you discovered the A/OC around Sept last year? Is that true? I am just trying to get a sense of how long you have been in recovery so to speak and what I can hope to look forward to. I too think my marriage will never be the same, I feel a distance from H I hope we can make smaller, but the fact he cheated and created a child still hurts so.I know in my heart he just wanted the affair, not child, but the both hurt and the high amount of CS we pay pains me monthly. My H says he will just have to make more money, I pray he does because I had thoughts of working hard to replace what he is paying and then I thought why am I feeling like I need to do that?He needs to do that. Plus, I feel I am stretched enough already just trying to cope,work my regular job half-assed, and not be fired for my lackadaisical attitude. I am so greatful you posted, I would love to hear from you, help me to understand how you healed relationship with H> That is where I think I am headed now, I am currently in the depressed.sad phase of healing, wonder what is next for me and how I can reconnect with H and heal.Any ideas that worked for you would be very much appreciated. With love, LSB

hey comfort!! so glad to see you here. beautiful post. sums up a lot of what i feel about the whole thing. i am at peace with our decision. like you, my H never wanted contact, which made it easier for me, though i struggled for awhile. i miss your doses of "comfort" here!! glad you are doing so well. i always love to hear happy updates. take care, friend.<P>happy_girl

Hey Comfort,<P><BR> Welcome back!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Comfort,<P>It is wonderful when you drop in to tell us how you are doing! We did have a rough time on this site for a while, but I think better times are here again.<P>I also refuse to apologize for my feelings of not wanting contact with OC. Like you said, it has given me the ability to work on healing my marriage and rebuilding trust. I will also worry about the future when it comes.<P>We keep telling the newbies that things will get better and that there is life after the OW and OC, but it is great when someone like you posts -- it gives them greater hope.<P>Things are going well in my marriage also. About two months ago, my H and I started talking on a deeper level than we have ever talked in our lives. The communication between us has increased dramatically and, although I would not recommend an OC as the cure for poor communication -- I do believe that our marriage has been enhanced.<P>Even at this late stage in the game, I learned a lot about his true feelings about the OW and OC and they were nothing like I imagined. The whole thing was truly a big mistake that got out of hand. So many of the things I have believed all these years -- romanticizing the affair and believing that he was longing for the OC -- turned out to be completely wrong.<P>So glad that you are happy and doing so well. I still have your e-mail address and hope you kept mine. Stop by and give us an update or send me an e-mail whenever you like.<P>Take good care of you. Blessings to your family.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Dear Comfort,<BR>I'm so happy things have turned out for the best. I am so happy to read it. Bless you and continued success.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

comfort, <BR>Hi, Thanks for popping in and taking the time for the support. I do believe we are finally getting there, and getting this site back to what we had before. I to feel as you do and will not apologize for my feelings they are here to stay nobodys taking my new shoes I like them and they feel good. Great to hear from you with love flowerseed

Dear Comfort,<P>That was such an insightful uplifting post and I just want to thank you for it and let you know it is so wonderful to hear such poitive stories on here. Good for everyone!<P>Love<P>bw

Dear Comfort41,<P>I remember reading your posts last summer when<BR>I first came here. I found much comfort in them.<BR>And again you have written a beautiful inspiring<BR>open letter about such a difficult issue.<BR>Thank you for it.

Hugs and "Comfort" to all of you! <P>God Bless.<P><BR>ISB: You've asked me specifically what has helped me to get to where I am now. To answer your first question, No. I didn't just find out about my H affair last September. I actually found out about it almost 5 years ago when we lived in another city (where the affair occured...we've since moved). I only found out about the OC last September. It was like opening up an almost healed wound and sprinkling salt in it. It was devastating. That's when I found this forum and I'm so happy I did. I had to relive the entire affair all over again, now with the addition of this child. My H oc is 5 now. when I first found out about the affair, ow claimed she had had his baby and damanded cs. My H adamantly refused stating child could not possibly be his as he claimed he wore condoms (yeah, ok, right) Anyway, ow never said much more and eventually left town and took oc with her, after threatening to show up on our front door with oc and leaving him there if my H didn't pay. She left and things were very quiet for months. Then my H was offered a promotion in another city and we packed up and moved. After being here for a few years hearing nothing from OW, we get a letter in the mail from the courts suing my H for paternity & cs. We later discovered they located us through my H former employer. Hence began my nightmare all over again. I had often thought how horrible it would be if this OC was truely my H's. I would actually shudder at the thought. Unfortunately, that nightmare came true. So, I had to relive everything after almost 4 years of healing. That's when I came here. ISB, don't get me wrong. I'm not totally healed. The thought of my H betrayal can still bring tears to my eyes sometimes. But the difference is that it's "sometimes"...not "always", like it was several months ago. That's how it happened for me. Just little by little I have managed to push and replace all this devastation with other more important things in my life. It would have consumed me if I didn't. I almost had. But I realized that I have two children who need me. I realized that I needed me. I realized that I was entitled to be angry, hurt, yell, scream and cuss and want to drop kick my husband for his selfishness and stupidity. I did all of the above...well, I didn't drop kick him, but I wanted to! Any, my point is is that I allowed myself the luxury of grieving. I grieved for my marriage and the trust we'd lost...I'd lost in him. It broke my heart. It still does. But I can live with it. I still love him very much. It's not the same passionate, blind, put you on a pedalstal, you're not like the rest of the men, type of love. But it's an enduring one. A love I know I can spend the rest of my life sharing with him. It's enough. Whatever I'm lacking, he more than makes up for. I can live with that. Well, I hope this has helped you in some way. It's a one day at a time thing, literally. I won't be back for a while but I wish you and your marriage many blessings and lots of healing and love.<P>Comfort<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Comfort41, thanks for taking the time to post. YOu give me hope I can get through this. Do you have contact with the child? If not,does it help not to? I agree- I do not think I will ever feel the same toward H, but hope it will be replaced by a love I can live with and be happy with. I cannot imagine being here for 25 more years just going through motions of a marriage=-I want to love him, but not be hurt by him . This really hurts and I never thought he would hurt me like this.Is he remorsefuL? Yes, but not nearly enough for me. I know he will live the rest of his life with his mistake, but what pains me is so will I> And I resent that since I did nothing wrong. He was unhappy with me-he should have done something else to heal us, not sought out affair. He admits he thougt affair would never affect me as I would never know. HOw wrong he was-I swear I am going to work some to get back to a decent enough us for my kids, but some days that is what all keeps it together. Keep posting every so often. Your story and words are comforting.

Hey Comfort,<P> Nice to hear from you!! Thanks for reminding us that greiving is a process, and it takes time.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Comfort - <BR>Thank you for taking the time to post your story and feelings. As a newbie, I found any and all stories of healing helpful. I feel like Isb though - - - we are anxious to know when the pain will begin to subside. Unfortunatley, there is no magic pill for this. .. .and being pregnant, I can't take anything (believe me, I've asked). Spent all day yesterday in bed in my pajamas. Simply didn't have any energy. .Today I got up at 2 p.m. pretty pathetic. Actually looking forward to Monday - means I HAVE to get up and get moving. ..

Hey Ann,<P> I was in bed for a week, and you're right, there is no magic cure. Only tincture of time!!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Hey Comfort,<P> I understand that you're leaving. I mean, isn't that the whole point if this place, to get better and get on with your life? I wish you the best, you have helped me more than you can know! <P><BR> God bless you,<P> <P>------------------<BR>Gregg