Gem, <BR>How are you doing? Dont let whats been going on here keep you from getting the comfort you need right now. Things have got to be hell right now, let us help you we'll do our best to keep the wolves of you back. with love flowerseed

Just checking in with you, too.<BR>I hope you are finding an inner strenght.<BR>You are still reeling from it all but you<BR>have a caring support system here.<BR>Sincerely sending hugs and prayers, fluke

Hi Flowerseed and Fluke,<BR>I mostly feel like I'm suffering from nervous breakdown.<P>Called 2 attorneys..no return calls yet.<P>Going for divorce and personal injury.<BR>Don't know about anything yet.<P>H saw "Giancarlo" his new son already. Found out from golf buddy. Don't know where or how.<BR>Golf buddy said H is spiraling down to a deep depression. Thought he could have it all.<P>Doesn't understand why H let poja go out the window unless ow threatened H not to see son. Didn't get attorney...didn't get dna...KNOWS it's his son.<P>My son sick of it all. Said dad is shoving little bro. down his throat. H's parents miserable about baby and NAME...ours!!!(last)<P>I have been deeply depressed. I know H kept up contact even if it wasn't cuz he wanted her...wanted baby at all costs and didn't want to upset ow. All TRUST is gone.<P>Mostly sad that I spent 29 yrs w/a person who could be so cruel.<BR>I agreed to 3rd party contact...he overstepped our agreement. I fear too much involvement w/ow and baby. Do not want it or need it.<P>I am convinced to move on w/o him. Can someone tell my aching heart it'll be ok?<P>I'll never trust another man.<P>Me and the "girls" will be ok alone. I have my son and GF, I have my sisters and parents. I will survive.<P>H talked to ow this week! wants me to trust him that he only wants me. Is he kidding? Is he not listening? It is now and always has been about ow for me. Maybe he can focus only on loving me but I can't as long as he communicates w/her no matter how distasteful it is. He says she's the mom and he's the dad and that's it.....No kidding? Geeze thanks for explaining that one!<P>H's parents said he called to say it was a boy and said aren't you going to congratulate me? His mom said NO there is no joy for your father and I in this baby. You've switched families. You're wrong. H got upset w/them not being happy for him.<P>Cake eater is what he is.<P>I'll post more when I know what's up.<P>God bless all of us here.<P>Hey a bit of humor...I got my post-op photo's done Wednesday of the twins...nurse asked how H liked 'em...I lied and said "just fine" ugh....He'll never see them again he can spend his days w/Giancarlo now....<P>BTW they look natural and awesome....<BR>heh...heh....heh....lol....<P>Love to all my friends,<BR>Debi<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem, I am so sad for you. Maybe the depression your H is feeling will wake him up to go back and work on his life with you.Cannot imagine how he can turn his back on you when you have been so understanding about all this-so much more than I have. But I see you have your limits, and he has broken them. He will have to feel pain to maybe change his mind? Would you take him back if he wanted to come back? He has to know contact with OW is forever out of the question. I feel for you and your son, and I am glad your inlaws are supporting you. I think my inlaws would support me if they ever found out,but I do not know. I know they would be deeply disappointed in their son, my H, and shocked. He has never been like this, never screwed up at all in his life and now he made a huge mistake for us all.'<BR>Anyway, maybe you should file legal separation for now and see what happens. H has to know he will have nothing and definately not all with present situation.<BR>I am hoping things change for you, you are in my prayers and thoughts. Keep posting.

gem,<P>i am hurting for you. you have tried so hard, and given him so much. you met him half way, even though it was so difficult for you to do. and he threw that away. i can totally understand you wanting out. one person can only take so much pain. i am all for marriage, but not at the cost of ones own self worth, happiness, etc. <P>i am glad you have such a good support system. it helps to have people physically close to you to be there for you when you need someone. simply put, like you said, he can't have his cake and eat it too. it is just not fair to you, his wife. you will be better one day. i am sure of it. you deserve tons of happiness and the lord will bless you with it.<P>glad the twins are doing well. they were for you anyway weren't they?? LOL. i wish i could just wake up with some C's tomorrow. without the surgery, pain, etc. but i am stuck with these B's. <P>take care gem. you can get through this. prayers for you and your son.<P>happy_girl <p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited May 05, 2001).]

ISB and Happy_Girl,<BR>H says he loves me. Wants to stay married. Still won't do a thing to prove communication will cease between ow and him.<P>So given that set of rules I won't allow him back.<P>Now I would fear sneaking to see baby. Now I fear too much involvement when he said it wouldn't affect our lives. I miss him less and less because I keep reminding myself what he's done these last two weeks.<P>Last night my sister was at D's baseball game(field 1/2 block from my house) and there was ow w/baby in arms watching her boy play ball! Now I'm scared to go to field to see any games w/ sister. I didn't go last night cuz I was tired and haven't been sleeping. She said ow avoided eye contact for the first time. Usually she says hi to my sis and her H to be a smart as*.<P>Communion Day for my Goddaughter! Busy weekend of events. My H won't be there to see our Goddaughter make her communion. (my sister and b.i.l.'s D) Maybe he'll be at ow son's communion tomorrow. Same church. My sister switched day to Sat. to avoid a run in w/ow and me.<P>I still can't believe his arrogance in all of this. Like I should "just believe and trust him cuz I won". He actually said that. HUH!!!!!?????<P>I'll update you when I know anything.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem,<BR> (Like I should "just believe and trust him cuz I won) did this make you angery? When I read that I couldnt believe it has he no idea what he has done I want to choke him. What the hell does he think you won. The wanting his parents to congrat him is just sick it looks like his true colors are showing. I am so sorry. Have you been able to get out at all. I'm glad your not letting her get away with this by fileing your lawsuit. Gem hang in there your heart will heal. You have won you have won yourself he loses. with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Have you been able to get out at all. I'm glad your not letting her get away with this by fileing your lawsuit. Gem hang in there your heart will heal<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I haven't been bar hoping since that time I went out w/my sister and neighbor. No desire.<P>I don't know yet if attorney will allow me to sue ow. I'm hoping.<P>You are right Flowerseed. What have I won? It's about healing and trusting and doing everything together. He just forgot all we talked about when "son" was born a week ago.<P>Thanks for encouragement.<P>H would have to do a complete turn around now for me to consider to stay married. Proof of cell # change. Accounting of time. Etc. Remember he said he will not live his life under a microscope? Oh boy!!!<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem,<BR>Did he agree to the oc having your last name? I know you can put any name you want on cert. How is he all the sudden so sure this child is his? If this turns out that things never mend between you two and the child isnt his is he going to be able to live with himself? How can someone be such a fool! <P>Its been really warm here 80s hows it been there? Today its cloudy kinda ucky. I think you stand a good chance of being able to file a personal injury suit. If people can sue for spilling hot coffie on themselves you would surly think they would feel something like this is a lot more damageing then a burn. Were all here for ya gem do what you have to do for you, if you find in time that he is worthy of your heart then you can decide what to do then. with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did he agree to the oc having your last name? I know you can put any name you want on cert. How is he all the sudden so sure this child is his? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No. We were stuck on that with him going back and forth. I think he KNEW it was a boy as she made attempts all along to communicate w/him. I think she left message as soon as she knew.<P>As far as it being his...it sure coincides w/last time H was with her end of July. Broke contact after that. H found out early Sept. of pregnancy.<P>My son said even though dad saw baby...he's having dna done on his own.(I really don't know if he's lying or not).<P>It would be something if it wasn't his. I suspect it must look like him or something. I think it's his too.<P>About 65 here today after a week of 80's and 90's. Cloudy too.<P>Talk later Flowerseed, ok?<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem<P>Your heart will be okay. <BR>You need to think about yourself. What is best for you and not your H. Don't let him have his cake, unless it's a "nut" cake.<P>It is good that your in-laws are on your side. Just keep doing the right thing and don't give an inch toward him. If he is so gulible, then you don't be.<P>It is hard to believe that the men we marry seem so strong, understanding and hard on the world at the time, but when a situation like this comes up--they turn into as*h**es.<P>Take care and know that if no one else loves you, GOD does and he will stand by you no matter what.<P>The other day I was out walking , serious mind trouble, listening to the walkman and a song came on about Jesus is alway there. I looked down at my shadow and there were two shadows. At first, I thought someone was behind me, but after careful looking, I saw that it was that the shadows were mine.<P>Glory & Praises to you and your family.<P>G&P

Dear Deb,<P>Hugs and prayers for you...<P>love, fluke

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Take care and know that if no one else loves you, GOD does and he will stand by you no matter what.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Glory and Praise,<BR>I just got back from First Communion for my Goddaughter. I can say I felt empty at mass today. I know God hasn't forsaken me. I just feel my prayers are empty. Like I'm just saying them because I have to, ya know? Sorta like d-day again. But I still say them.<P>I KNOW I'll be ok. It'll take a long time as I'm somewhat in shock over the last weeks events. Stunned that our poja went right out the window. How he says he loves me is incomprehensible to me. Although he hasn't said it since baby was born. <P>Thanks Fluke too.<P>Hugs and love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

gem, i can't believe she has the nerve to go to church, baseball games, like everything is completely normal. like it is normal to sleep with a married man, have his kid, and the world should be fine with it.<P>and i can't believe that your H expects that he can just say that he loves you and wants to work things out, and that will make it all better. that comment about winning takes the cake though. if he is going to win you back, it will have to be on your terms now. how can he expect you to be fine with things when he broke the POJA?? and how doesn't he see that his continued contact with the OW is WRONG?? what world is he living in?? apparently the same one the OW is living in. fantasy land.<P>i am so sorry for you. maybe you should print this out for your H to read, the whole thread. maybe reading it will make him see how ridiculous he is being.<P>hugs to you.<P>happy_girl

You are in my thoughts. Maybe it is time for you to take a really hard line with H. Maybe you have been too easy with him.I know in the beginning I thougt I could accept H"s involvement with OC, even I was not involved, so we could keep marriage. But as more time went on, I realize what H and OW is so reprehensible to me, so disregarding to me and our family, that I could not abide with him having any involvement with child. That I was and still am prepared to divorce him over this-let him explain to our sweet innocent children that he has to parent another woman's child, his mistake,and let him answer our D's questions as to weren't he and her brother good enough for him?Because I ain't sure going to sugar coat it for him. I think he finally got the damage he had done to me and our life. He still thinks if he told our kids they would be upset but then they would still love him. I tell him he does not know that and I am prepared to wait till they are adults at all to tell them-if he breaks his promises to me to tell kids or have any contact with OW/OC, I will be out of here in an instant, very pained but I think I will have had enough. I think at some point the BS has to realize who they want back for sure-and there is no good, happy solution for everyone.And that the BS and family deserve the highest priority. I do expect that from my H< if he does not give that to me or my kids then I know it is time to end it. I need that in order for me to endure the pain of all of this.Without it, it just isn't worth it. You are in my thoughts.Hang in there.

Happy_Girl and ISB,<BR>Thanks. A hard day today. I'll see you guys Sunday.<P><BR>I'm so confused and feel out of it.<P>Ow has big ball* doesn't she ?<P>Maybe cuz H gives in to her demands on how to see son.<P>More later... lots more....<P>Love all of you so much,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem: I just popped in and found your thread. Honey, it makes me sick when something like this happens and am constantly stunned by the things that happen here.<P>Your husband never, ever, ever should have gone to see the child. I hope to God he wasn't there for the birth. If he never saw the child then the child would be less real to him and easier for him to honor his POJA with you, but now that the agreement is out the window and your husband is selfishly making choices that effect you and your son and obviously your in-laws, then it has to be back to Plan B, Gem. It's the only thing I can think of that might make an impact on your husband.<P>I know by now your a$$ is pretty tired battling all the broken promises and violations of your agreements, however, in spite of the gross disappointments, you have wonderful things going for you...you have an incredible support system with your family, sister, friends and son. In addition to that you are intelligent and beautiful and have a lot of heart and soul. You will be OK no matter what happens. The hard part is feeling as though you and all your 29 years have been sacrificed for a [censored] child that shouldn't even exist...at least, with your husband as it's father. I know, I know, I am selfish. So what. I make no apologies.<P>I know how you feel. I would feel exactly the same way. I know there are many here who feel differently but I may not be as secure as they are and cannot even tolerate the thought of it myself. I've never been good at sharing and I think you were more than gracious with your compromises thus far.<P>You decide what is best for you, stay strong and know we all support you here and pray for you and that your husband will pull his head out of his (self).<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Your husband never, ever, ever should have gone to see the child. I hope to God he wasn't there for the birth. If he never saw the child then the child would be less real to him and easier for him to honor his POJA with you, but now that the agreement is out the window and your husband is selfishly making choices that effect you and your son and obviously your in-laws, then it has to be back to Plan B, Gem. It's the only thing I can think of that might make an impact on your husband.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear wonderful Catnip,<BR>You have hit the nail square on the head. After all he knew about how I felt he just went right ahead and did what was right for him.<P>Wasn't there for the birth. My son spent most of the day w/H and went over to where he's living to watch a movie and came home around midnight on "birthday".<P>We didn't find out until Monday after in the paper. (her name only).<BR>H knew! H knew day after! H must have took another call from her. H says "that's not how it is with her" when I said how could you even talk to her ever? Why didn't you get a lawyer? H said I love you not her! I said you saw the baby before dna?(don't know where maybe in hospital nursery?) I'm filing for divorce! It's the last we spoke.<P> Only communication was a cold note telling me not to "bother" his parents as thet're under enough stress.<P>I'm hoping lawyer calls monday so I can see him and get this ball rolling. Reluctantly. <P>Everyone, I ran into a local personal injury lawyer yesterday and asked him if I could sue ow for personal injury on behalf of my son and me. Gave a brief scenerio of what happened and son being in psych ward and both of us on meds......anyway...he says you're not going to like my answer but in Ohio courts will view it as alienation of affection and it's no longer a law in Ohio. And this guy is one of our local best personal injury attorneys.<P>So there you have it. Another blow.<P>I do thank God for my sister and son and family.<P>If I didn't "volunteer" at the dental office every day, I'd have no purpose right now to get up each day. She really has helped me w/self esteem.<P>I used to think my H was my gift from God. Now I know it's definately my sister.<P>Catnip I was so happy to see your answer to me. I TOLD you I'd be needing you around the first part of May!!!!!<P>Oops! I forgot to tell all of you..my son's GF said H told son baby looks just like he did when he was born! I think H is working on son to make him see "brother" soon. Son hasn't said a word to me.... I won't ask...don't want to tear him in half over his choices whatever they are.....God help me....please......<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited May 06, 2001).]

gemini, I just wanted to know you are in my thoughts.What a tough time for you. I am praying for your strength and healing, I hope H will wake up one day and realize he needs you in his life. With love, LSB

Gem:<P>Did your husband ever see Heavenly's thread, something about "What Do Our Husband's Think They Can Offer OC"? or something to that effect. It was an absolutely inspiring thread with excellent posts throughout. If I were you, I would find it, print it out, copy it and give once copy to your husband, one to your son and perhaps one to your in-laws...just for reference.<P>Gem, I am so disappointed for you...you certainly have been fighting the good fight. I was hoping the kid would come out another nationality or looking like the pizza delivery boy.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=