4 days into agreeing to work on things with WH. He can be very confusing at times. He does not want to move back in together. He wants to date and try to find what we once had. Problem is that if we do move back in I have to move out of our marrital home to his new home because he is a cop and now that he has moved there they are wanting him to stay. They are still unhappy with him for his A with a woman in town who has gone back to her husband and they are going to NC. But since he is a cop if he has a call to somekind of disturbance he has to go. To me it is hard to trust that he wants to work on the relationship. He says he does not want to work it out he wants to work on us. He says he loves me but after 2 mos of saying he does not love or care for me how do you trust that. I don't want to be friends I want our marrige.

Yesterday after talking to his aunt because he is confusing me with some of this actions and words she told me he was using me as a safety net and I was his enabler. She said he only wants to be friends so we can come to divorce easier. She says there are truths still not told to me and he will never make a decision about what he wants till I pull his safety net out from under him. I was very angry. I have been such an easy person to deal with as far as him and I through all of this discovery of affair ect. I have not yelled and screamed. I have so many feelings going through me. They scare me. 3 wks ago I went NC with WH before I knew he was WH. I told him his hurtful words and actions would no longer affect me because he would not be able to have any more contact with me. Last week we spoke for one of those financial business type call. He decided at this time that he wanted to start talking again. OW went back to her husband by this time. Thurs. night we talked and agreed to work on us. It ended in a panic guilt attack before he left. Scared me and worried me very bad. I was worried about his health and I could not do anything to make him feel better. It scared me that this attack would change his mind about working on us. After my conversation with his aunt yesterday I (very angry that he had decided to jerk me around further and not mean what he was saying break the NC. I felt like he had betrayed me all over again. I called him and told him that everything the past 3 days were lies and he only wanted friendship. I told him I wanted the NC to stop him from hurting me and he gave me hope that we would try to be ok. I said he had apologized to OWH and her family and had not even showed any remorse to mine. His response was who's lies caused me to make this phone call. and I did not know what his plans were this evening he had planned to come talk to my parents. ect... he ended the conversation with just F*** it. and hung up on me. He was at a mutual friends house when this happened. I spoke to this friend and he said before I called H was planning on talking to my folks but he advised against the timing as we were showing horses at the local county fair and that was not the time to do it. After the call H was upset that someone came up and lied to me and ruined my day and made me further doubt him. Friend says he believed that H loves me and does want to work it out.

I am so scared I just ruined things. I told him I wanted NC again. Will he call me even after this. I want to call him but if I call it is me once again taking the step and I would still have doubts. What do I do. I just feel horrible this morning. Help.

Tami, I sorry that you have to feel so much pain because your husband doesn't seem to know what he wants. My WW and I are in NC now.

I suggest you copy your message and put it on the General Questions II board. This one doesn't seem to have much activity. It is a very sad situation and I am sure some of the more experienced members who understand the MB concepts could help you more.

Hang in There and Trust in the Lord. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am feeling very down. Preacher/counselor said I should have not called H and I should wait for him to call me now. He is sounding very depressed and scared. He says he feels he will die young and can't make any plans for the future till he gets past this because he may not be here tomorrow. But he also says he is not going to hurt himself but he sleeps with a gun by the bed.
He says he really loves FOW and wishes he could turn it off like a switch. I emailed him yesterday after he talked about death coming soon. I told him that in live you are either alive or dead and that he should live each day to is most and make sure the ones you care about know how you feel so you have no regrets when death happens. I also told him that I desperately need compassion, protection, and comfort right now and I wanted those things from him but I was scared that these needs made me very volnerable for turning somewhere else. I told him I was not telling him that to hurt him but if we had been communicating about our need prior to all of this maybe we would not be where we are today. I never received any response back all day. Everyone close to me and preacher told me not to call him let him take the next stop. But as you can tell from my previous posts I don't have alot of patience. I have had 3 emails from him on Monday after I posted this origonal message. So anyway I sit and stewed. He has told me I could call him whenever I wanted. He also said that OWH needed to tell her he loved her daily not just in words because OW did not have a spark for OWH. I took that to mean he needed that from me. He won't just come out and say what he wants. He also said he thought he had a plan but would not share with me just wanted to let things progress and see what happened. I guess I need adivce. Should I call him, do I need to leave him alone and let him call me. He has a cousin we are both close to getting married this weekend and it would require an overnight stay. I brought the wedding up earier last week and he said I could go with him if I wanted. At that time he said we could get 2 hotel rooms or 1 or 1 with 2 beds. Well last night he asked if I was going to go. I told him I would like to go if it was not going to make him uncomfortable. He said he would get 1 hotel room with 2 beds. But he said he did not want to talk about the relationship over the weekend. The problem is that I have not been leading him to talk about things it is him who has brought it up every conversation. But it is just the same thing over and over. He says he does not want to get my hopes up. That he can not promise we will work things out. I asked him if he understood that I did not know if I could get past the things he had done to "us" with this affair, ect. But I wanted to try to get past it and that was all I was asking from him was that he wanted to try and I was not looking for any promises from him.

When we are together or talking it seems I am carrying the conversation. He does not say much just responds to my talking basically. I am trying this plan A. When I email I try to reread it and think of how is this going to be taken. I have not asked any questions about relationship. I am just responding to his depression and trying to "be there for him" I have told him what I have done to get through the past 9 wks to help me. talking to God, family and friend support, not thinking about problems 24/7, getting away from things and having fun. I told him that I am willing to be there for him. I don't need to talk about the relationship all the time when we are together. We can go out and have fun. I told him he is welcome at the house anytime. He can come see the dog she is a comfort. But for any of this to happen he has to make me part of his life again.

I am actually calm today just confused and unsure how to go on. He acts as if he does not want me around. He is not making any effort to be around me. I am just so confused as to where to go from here and am looking for advice. I don't know if he is testing my love or if I am smothering him. How do you know?

Thanks,

Tami