I have really appreciated all I have read. I have a question: (My H and I go to 2nd counseling appt today, just found out about A & PG (six wks pg) last week.)<P>H says his involvement with OC depends on what I decide. Souldn't he decide what HE is going to do, and then I can think about that decision and our marriage. Should I have the responsibility of telling him whether or not to be involved with OC? He says he wants to respect my wishes, but I feel so confused???<P>Your input is greatly appreciated.

Using the Policy of Joint Agreement---the two of you should brainstorm and find a solution you enthusiastically agree to. But in the absence of that, he should "do nothing"---to go behind your back will build huge resentment. Try to listen to what he wants, and see if you can reach some middle ground. My guess is that if he's leaving it in your hands, he doesn't have a strong interest in being involved in the OC's life.

MoJo,<BR>Mine left it up to me also thats good that he is doing it this way you guys have lots of time to figure out what you want to do, try to work on healing your marriage first then deal with the oc after it is born and it is proven to be your h. There is that possibility that its not. Youll gets lot more help on this soon. with love flowerseed

MOJO7, I do not think it is purely your H's decision, as his decision affects you. You both have to decide what to do together, which may include putting issue of OC on back burner till you find out if marriage can be repaired.That is the best focus for you now. You are in a committed relationship, what you both do affects the other. If you are not sure where you stand on OC issue, tell him that. That issue should become secondary to your marriage. It took my H and I many painful sessions in and out of counseling to get to that place of focusing on us, not OC-although H's initial desire I think for counseling was to find out how to tell our kids about OC.As it turns out, our counseling sessions have not focused on that at all, but instead on how to repair us.Which remains a very difficult issue to do.YOu are in my thoughts.

Dear Mojo7,<P>I agree with all the above.<BR>I think it's a positive sign from your H.<BR>I know it makes you uneasy to feel you are<BR>the one making the decision, but as K said<BR>you guys should sit down together and talk<BR>it out. Good luck in the process. <BR>Sorry you are here, but hope you find comfort<BR>from those who have been in your shoes.<BR>take care, fluke

I have learned, at least in my situation, that if it doesn't come from my h it won't stick.I wouldn't want his involvment or lack thereof in oc's life to be hanging on my shoulders. Now as far as his contact with the ow, that is a different story. But, I knew from the beginning that he would want to be involved in her life, no question.It sounds like your H doesn't want to have the responsibility of the decision.What ever happens long term, if you make the decision for him, will be your fault not his.

Blue<BR>Thank you, that's exactly what I think I'm fearing. He will always say it's my fault if I'm the that decides what to do. He will resent me if I forbid contact with OC, or if contact with OC is bothering me, he will say, "Well it's what YOU wanted"....<P>I hear the advice of putting OC on back burner, but it so much in the front of my mind! My emotions are killing me, I don't know how to be rational at this point!

MOJO7 - I understand your confusion! My H has said the same thing. .. . I sense that he does NOT want any contact with OC. ... but I find that hard to believe. Being a mother myself, think how can you NOT want contact with OC? Don't you have "fatherly" feelings? I am afraid that some day he will resent me for not allowing contact. I have only known for 2 weeks, so perhaps these things start to sort themselves out with time. Good luck and keep posting<BR>

Before you agree to contact with OC, think long and hard ho this will affect your total life. My H initially only thought of caring for a child in diapers-I asked him to contemplate just how was he going to deal with seeing child grow, be involved in her life, attend school events, etc. if I was not involved in situation-and he could not be where OW was to save our marriage. If you can work these details out, it probably can work, but I think you need to think long and hard, look down the road, what is best for OC and your family and kids. I did, couldn't imagine handling it, had to make H see what that would be like for me and our kids, and we couldn't do it. I know some have done it successfully, just for now I can't see myself going down that road.

mojo and others trying to decide,<P>I hope you will look up this website's "policies" for a healthy marriage, esp. Policy of Honesty and Policy of Joint Agreement (enthusiastic agreement!), and have your H read them--print them, even. Something this BIG should not be a 1-person or overnight decision! It is good that an H isn't ramroding a decision through your marriage, but if conflict-avoidance is an issue then you have to worry about him secretly resenting the decision, blaming, etc. Respect is good; avoiding conflict is the cause of many worse problems (including affairs!). You can both share your feelings without that being the ultimate decision.<BR> <P>

mojo7,<P>i think that you should both talk about the pro's, con's etc for being involved in OC's life. he can't expect you to make a decision like this for him. otherwise he could resent you one day, whichever you decided. like K said, the POJA is very important when it comes to decisions, and i also think he might not want to be involved since he is not making a decision. this is still new. take some time to make the decision.<P>happy_girl

MJ7 wrote:<P>"My emotions are killing me, I don't know how to be rational at this point!"<P>That is exactly why you need to take your time... The decision that you make about the OC is one that may last your entire life. To make such a decision at a time when your emotions are on a wild rollercoaster will surely lead to regrets.<P>Read the Harley principles as others have suggested. Think about repairing your marriage for now and as your own fog of emotion clears, then you will have a better idea of what your feelings are about the future and the OC in or out of that future.<P>If you had to be in this situation, you at least have the best scenario because there is a lot of time for you to strengthen your marriage, bond back together with your H, and be prepared to meet the OC issue head-on, together.<P>Blessings to you,<BR>love,<BR>heavenly<BR>

MoJo7, H must deside if he is going to be part of childs life. You must decide if you are staying with H. Because this will effect you as well. How do you feel about the situation? Do you want him to be a part of the baby's life?Dont make that choice for him. There will be serios resentment in your marriage! You should discuss it several times before deciding. Encourage H to be honist! H may say only what he thinks you want to hear!!!!!!!! Keep that in mind.Its a good thing you feel confused. But you guys just need to talk and talk. Then decide what is dest for your marriage.Good luck. Keep us posted!

Mojo7<P>I feel that your husband need to think about you, the marriage, what he needs to do to help you and your marriage heal, then after that is done---bring the oc needs in.<P>Right now how can you make ralional decisions. Because you could be up one day and down the next. Your moods will change from day-to-day.<P>For me it took over a year to really decide if I truely wanted the oc's(2) in my life and my d's life.<P>God Bless<P>G&P