Hey guys,<P> I've had child psych, and Piaget, and Erickson, and Jung, and yada, yada, yada!! I have no clue about this.<P> Linzi is eight years old! Do I tell her I'm not Angels' father, or wait till she's older, or what???<P><BR> I'm lost on this one.<P><BR> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Well Gregg,<P>I honestly don't know either. Our children know about their older sister being put up for adoption, but not about Abbi's sperm donor. We are kinda stuck on that one too. So, if anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them too.<P>Tigger<P>PS our other two are 10(almost 11) and 8.

This is always such a tricky one. I guess it depends upon situation and the child in particular. Ask yourself the question of "why would she need to know?". I think once a child is becoming sexually aware (who knows when that is these days..) that they could benefit from knowing that even the adults mess up & there are tremendous consequences from irresponsible behavior and all the potential pain it can cause. Iin your situation, Linzi considers Angel her sister & there is no fear of some big "discovery day" that an unknown sibling will pop out of the closet. So the only reason I can see to give her any additional information on who the sperm donor was is to give some benefit to her life. She needs to be able to assist her sister in case of medical issues (and God forbid... she shouldn't be making those decisions for years) and to aid her in her own growth and decision making process. <P>I would be waiting to do this with my boys, but since we are heading for a divorce... they will most likely be meeting the OC this upcoming year. If their father does not end up with OW and does not bring OC into their lives, then I will be waiting until they are a few years older (they are 7 & 8 now). <P>Carolyn

Hey Carolyn,<P> Thanks. Right now, it's a logistical problem.<BR>My wife can't take Angel to OM and come home without her without some kind of explanation. <P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

[QUOTE]Originally posted by GLynton:<BR>[BI think unless there is NO way your kids can find out from someone else, meaning the oc lives thousands of miles away or the Ow NEVER lans on telling her child theam yu need to tell them before they are really involved in school adn other activities. especially if they live within one hour of you because THEY WILL FIND OUT! The OW usually want to make sure that yur kids find out the truth so they tell lots of people and guarenteed as soon as their child can talk and use a phone the calls are going to start to your kids. i would HATE for my kids to find out from anyone but me and hubby and i KNOW a secreat this big can not stay hidden for too long. I especially know this if you read my last posting of running in Oc at the mall. Give your marriage the year or two or three it needs to try and heal and then tell your kids before they find out some other way.

Our counselor is not in favor of us telling the kids until they are adults. This I am in favor of. She really thinks it has to be an adult understanding that we had a rough time in our marriage, father made a mistake, etc. and they can maybe understand it especially after years of being parented by father. I am in agreement of this.Keep mind, kids see things differently. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 22, 2001).]

Thanks guys,<P> I tend to agree that she shouldn't know till she's older. Heck, she hasn't even had the birds and the bees talk yet, how could I possibly explain this??<P><BR> God bless you all,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

FROM EXPERIENCE IT IS NOT AS HARD AS WE THINK. SOME KIDS ARE SO ACCEPTING. MY 3 KIDS LOVE THEIR HALF SISTER. THE AGES ARE 13,11,AND 9.THEY ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE WEEKENDS THAT WE GET HER. IF YOU ALL HAVE READ MY STORY THE OC IS ABOUT 5 MOS. AND THEY KNOW THAT DADDY MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT I AM NOT THE OC MOTHER BUT IS THE STEPMOM.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by SWEETC:<BR>My minister and councelor both told us not to tell our kid till he wasan adult intill they both found out there is a VERY good chnace that our child would find out some other way. I feel the only way a secreat like this can be kept for more than a few years is if the OC lives thousands of miles away or if the Ow never plans on telling. If you know for a fact that the Ow tells other people and plans on telling the Oc(like we know our OW does/is) than you can GUARENTEE that the OW will somehow find a way to make sure your kids also find out. it sucks, its not fair but look at most Ow do you really think they are keeping it a secreat? i just know it would kill my child to find out from anyone else besides me and hubby. Each person must make their own decision but does anyone with an Oc near them really believe the OW won't make sure your kids find out? I mean we all pray that but does anyone actually believe it?

I had more to say on this topic but was interrupted before.Yes, the OW may be telling her child of my kids' existence, but I wonder to what end for her child? Do you think it is helpful for OC to know there is a father and other children out there who want nothing to do with her? HOw is that benefiting the other child? It seems its only intent is to inflict harm on the children of other family, not to benefit them certainly and certainly not to benefit the OC. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 22, 2001).]

Isb wrote <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, the OW may be telling her child of my kids' existence, but I wonder to what end for her child? Do you think it is helpful for OC to know there is a father and other children out there who want nothing to do with her? HOw is that benefiting the other child? It seems its only intent is to inflict harm on the children of other family, not to benefit them certainly and certainly not to benefit the OC.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Your observation here is exactly right. There IS nothing but selfish intent here. The best thing that OW could do for her child, since she insists on keeping it, is to raise her with love and respect and teach her self-respect and dignity. There is no dignity in announcing to the world that your child's father is someone else's husband. She is only damaging her child's self-esteem. It is an incredibly ego-centric act. Truth and honesty are important, but so are self-respect and dignity. There are ways of being honest that are also dignified.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri, well said Terry. I couldn't agree more. If I were the OW in this case with OC, I would care more about presenting the situation in a dignified manner and with respect for all concerned, in particular the oc. I would want to raise OC with love and concern, not hate and anger. I find this attitude very troubling, and perhaps as OC get older, the OW will get a sense of how they want to portray this all to other child.By the way, a child of 5 will not call someone to announce they are their sister/brother without assistance of a parent.They would be motivated by OW to do so-not out of their own desires.

gregg,<P>i don't have any kids, so i have been hesitant to post since i have no actual experience in the subject. i do think that you should wait a little while to tell linzi. i also think that it is her mother that should tell her. the reason i would say to wait it to see what happens with your W. whether she finally comes to her senses or not. if your wife comes home and is going to still be letting angel see OM(following a POJA of course), then she should be the one explaining to her daughter what she did, and why she takes angel to see OM. i think you should be there, and explain that you love angel regardless, etc, but ultimately your W should tell her.<P>prayers to you.<P>happy_girl

Hey Happy Girl RN,<P> Thanks. How did you get so smart?<P> Did you get my e-mail? I have a gruesome photo for your site!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Gregg, I love the advise from HappyGirl. I forgot in your situation that W is taking Angel to "visit" with OM. Hopefully that will stop. But if not, then let her answer questions about where she and Angel go & let her tell Linzi about why they do this. I am sure that Linzi will be then coming to you with a few questions. Be prepared to just tell her how much you love the mother of your children, and that BOTH of them are your little girls. I am sure this last part is just redundant info and you would be doing this without a second thought. <P>Take care... Carolyn