Greetings Everyone...<BR>I am sorry that I vanished from here for so long, but I had to do my own attitude adjusting for a while. I was really falling back into the "black hole" again and had to find a way to refocus. Here's an update:<P>I started a new "temp" job, so now I have something to keep me busy. I don't spend all of my days thinking about the "crap". Working has been good for me in this respect.<P>One of my very best friends sat me down and informed me that I was diverting all of the negative energy towards myself by blowing a gasket everytime something regarding this crazy situation doesn't go right. (i.e., throwing things, hitting things, etc). I know she is right about this because many people are mad at ME now, because I am angry. "Whatever!", ya know?! She said that from her standpoint, it might behoove me to minimize the situation so that this whole thing is NO LONGER the focus of all of our family members and the OW....EVERYONE! She said, "You made the decision to stay with H, so it is between the TWO OF YOU how it is handled." She said a lot more things, but it's too much to type.<P>With the EXCEPTION of staying involved to support my H, I have removed myself from the day-to-day dealings with the situation. Court is scheduled for Tuesday, and H has been working with his atty and "the other side" to come up with some sort of out of court settlement. I am staying out of it. Ultimately I have had to realize that there is nothing I can to to make this go away. The only person I can control is myself, period. I have gotten myself so stressed out that I was becoming physically ill. So, I have completely turned the whole thing over to H, who is, for the most part, doing a great job of dealing with everything towards a resolution. I have promised no more violent outbursts. If I am feeling particularly angry, I will come on here and post or I will call a friend and vent or I will go off by myself and cry. No more publicly viewablle or knowlegable outbursts! <P>Also, I booked myself a day at a spa yesterday. I was there from 10 am till 3 pm. I had a massage, facial, hair styling, makeup application and manicure. I did this for myself. I paid for it myself. All I asked for was for H to drop me off and pick me up. I did this for a few reasons: <P>1. I needed to find a way to relieve the stress that has built up to this point.<BR>2. I needed to validate for myself that I come before the OW...so I spent money on MYSELF before the OW gets a DIME from us!<BR>3. I deserved it!<P>After my "day" was done, H took me out for a beautiful dinner. During which, we did not discuss our children or the "situation" or anything. It was sooooooo nice!<P>H has arranged things financially to minimize some of our current bills so that this whole thing is a little bit more managable.<P>He has made it clear to attys and to OW that he does not want ANY contact with HER or the OC, PERIOD! No calls, no voicemails, no letters...NOTHING! (OW cried over this...whaaaaaa) He is adding a clause in the papers that answers the question: What happens to OC if the OW meets with her demise before the child his grown?" Answer: The OW's sister would take him and raise him. H has informed everyone in his family that discussions of OW/OC are not welcome in our house, nor during any family event! H has also informed family (his sister specifically) that if she chooses to have contact with OW/OC, she had better NEVER bring the OC to ANY family function. She has also been told that she is to NEVER expose my children to OC, if she chooses to babysit him or whatever. Again, all of these things I let HIM handle, because I am still too emotional to deal with it. <P>I have to tell you, it feels GOOD that I am not constantly in the ****! I know that H is trying...and yes, there are still days when I come down on him, but I am trying to make those times few and far-between. He has so many people tugging and pulling on him right now, so I told him that I will no longer be one of those people. I will be supportive and I will give him my opinion if he asks for it, but I will not continue to be like his mother, sister, grandparents, atty, and the OW! This has truly been a very, very smart move on my part! <P>So, guys and gals...I encourage you to take a day to yourself...get out and do something JUST FOR YOU! You deserve it! We've been through hell, but I think it's our decision how long we stay there! No one...and I mean NO ONE controls me except ME! I realized that in choosing to stay, I have chosen to take the good with the bad...and right now there's a lot of bad, but I can't go through our life punishing myself and H for this. He knows he screwed up, and he is punishing himself for all of this. If I am going to stay and work on this, I need to be phyically, mentally and emotionally healthy! If I can't commit to that, then maybe I need to change my decision. I hope that makes sense! <P>I have the utmost respect for each and every one of you. We are all dealing with this in our own way and there isn't one "way" of dealing with it, that I have read that is "wrong". This isn't about right and wrong! Let's all take care of ourselves and find some kind of positive in our lives! Look around...somewhere there is beauty in your life! <P>Hugs to all,<BR>Irish

Irish....<P>U go Girl!!!! Keep your head up!!<P>Much love.......<P>Broke-Down

Irish, I commend you on your new attitude. I'm happy you got a job to keep you a little distracted. Your H sounds like a guy who is so remorseful and willing to give what you need now.<P>Bless you.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Hey Irish,<P><BR> Sounds like you're working through this, and H is trying to hold up his end. Nice to hear from you.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Irish -- probably the most incredible revelation to any of us, regardless of OW's or OC's or H's, is that we can only control our own actions, feelings, behavior. I think when we realize this completely, it is so liberating. No longer are you then RESPONSIBLE for the behavior, feelings or actions of others! You are only RESPONSIBLE for your own. And, it relieves so much of the burden we sometimes feel ... we are only carrying ourselves.<P>Remember, though, that you can EFFECT CHANGE IN OTHERS by changing yourself. If you've ever read Michele Weiner-Davis's Divorce Busting, you know just how much you can sometimes affect the behavior of others by changing your own. If you haven't read this book, I heartily recommend it to all. Or any of her other books, for that matter.<P>You are on the road to recovery for certain, and I applaud you!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

fightingirish,<P>glad to see you back among the living. and it looks like you are doing a mighty fine job of it. i am so happy that you took some time to pamper yourself, and that you are letting H deal with things. my H dealt with most everything, and it helped me a lot. i helping in the end, but at the beginning it was his ball game.<P>it sounds like your H is really trying to show you he is sorry and that he is committed to making this work. i am so happy for you.<P>keep posting. you have a way with words and i like your fighting spirit. you will help lots of others i am sure, as well as get support yourself.<P>prayers for you and your family. it seems you are on the road to recovery. it is a long windy road, but there are beautiful things once you get there.<P>happy_girl