I feel very disappointed in H today. I hate what he has done to us and family. He goes through life everday like nothing has happened. Me, I am a basket case. I feel like he is not remorseful enough, hasn't sad he is sorry enough to me,although I know he is and wishes the whole last few years never happened. I am not sure how to regain the care and love and concern I always felt for him. I care less, love less, am staying here to see if that comes back right now for our children, who deserve an intact family, but is that enough? I am hoping in time my feelings for H will come back, but how does that work? I feel the fact he sought solace from a stranger and then complicated our lives with OC is so damaging to our life. I really hate it. I hate it I have to pay price for his mistake,and our kids. I resent that the most.As a result,the man I admired, trusted, loved, cared for , was proud of I no longer am. I do not feel like he cared for me throughtout all this, although he states he never stopped loving me.So how does that work-how do you love someone and do something obviously so risky to a life that you could damage it so tremendously that it may not be salvageable? I do not know what to do. Every day is an effort, I know I am depressed and that is what accounts for my inertia, but it is also my deep disappointment in my H .I wonder how you work through that. Help, I need ideas.

Isb, are you taking any anti-depressant medication?<P>I cannot tell you how much of a differents anti-d's have mde in my life. I am alone - my husband in Florida living with OW (I live in NY) but I wake every day with hope and with a love for life, no matter what.<P>Granted, I don't have children who could be affected by this, but believe me, not having children actually makes it less likely that my husband will EVER return to me.<P>Anti-depressants will not MAKE you happy, but they can give you the capability of being happy... they will make you feel stronger, emotionally - you will no longer be dragged down simply by your brain chemistry. After that, however, it is all up to you.<P>Please look into this - and if you are already taking them, and have been on them longer than 6-8 weeks, please see your doctor and see if, perhaps, a higher dosage or a different med may be more effective for you.<P>Also, I think I see a pattern to your hopelessness - weekends seem very difficult for you. Perhaps charting or journalizing how you are feeling from day to day will help you find a way to preempt those really bad days...<P>And, seeing an individual counselor would be a great idea, too. You have a lot of things you need to deal with separately from your husband... Involving him in the hashing and rehashing of your pain will likely not be helpful to your joint healing - and you need some time to concentrate on yourself. Do find an individual counselor who believes in the restoration of marriages, someone who understands that just because a spouse has done wrong does not mean that the marriage must be over. Preferably someone who practices a more practical type of therapy - not psychoanalysis.<P>I understand something of your pain - I am not dealing with an OC or even children of my own, but my husband has pretty much condemned me to a childless life due to my age, and that is hurtful above and beyond the hurt of knowing that he finds a dumb slut more deserving of his caring than I am.<P>oops... yes, I have some bitterness. And I am working on mine, too. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

have contemplated taking antidepressants, am well knowledgeable about them. May do that in future, but I am eating better, sleeping better, etc.Weekends are hard since H is here, and kids are here, and I want to talk to him and we can't separate from kids. I feel for your situation,terry too. Sounds painful as well. I do need individual therapy as well as couples, but since we pay 1100 per month in CS and couples counseling is costing us 130 per session, individual would cost the same, so I am putting that on hold. If I do not improve soon, I will have to spend the money. Thanks for your concern--I also know, having been very depressed once else in my life and did not take antidepressants, that over time I can get better.Of course this trauma has been even worse for me, so antidepressants may be in order. I should think more about that.

lsb,<P>i agree with terri on looking into antidepressants. they have helped many people. i also must say what seems to be our slogan here, TIME. you are still new into this whole whirlwind of emotions, etc. you have lost something in your H that will take time for him to win back.<P>i remember thinking that i was the one worrying, obsessing, and struggling through the whole situation alone. my H seemed to carry on with daily life like nothing was wrong. but after many heart to hearts with my H, i now know that he does think about it. moreso when i talk about it, and that it is like a re opening of a wound. he knows how bad he has hurt me, etc. <P>i think as women we tend to worry about things more in general. in daily life, i talk about my problems, etc to work them out. H basically keeps them inside. so the way he has handled this is nothing new. he has though done many things to remind me he loves me, and that he is sorry, and is committed to us. and he listens to me whenever i want to talk about this whole thing.<P>give yourself time, and try to see that your H probably is struggling with this. he knows he messed up, and knows how bad he hurt you. open your heart to the things he IS trying to do. like going to counseling. many men have trouble with that, and refuse to go. come here to vent, then when you want to talk with your H, you can do it more calmly.<P>prayers and a hug for you. <P>happy_girl

LSB,<P>there are affordable couselors out there. Here in Georgia we have a counseling network called Families First. They have a sliding scale based on income and they take child support into consideration. Look in your yellow pages and call around. Also you might try calling the United Way. They have access to many different agencies in each city and might be able to point you in the right direction. <P>And one other note... they don't ask you to prove your income amount... i'm not saying lie, but.... you know what i'm saying.<P>I too am seeing the pattern of your down swings. It seems the weekends are particularly tough for you. My vacation was hell for me. Perhaps the anti depressants are necessary to keep you from falling so low on your down days. When you get to the point you can't pull yourself up, you have to ask for help. Please, go get some help. I don't want to see you so down and unable to squeeze in a few good ones between the bad. <P>My prayers and thoughts are with you,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

ISB,I thank God I started anti-depressants!<P>It's just like Terri said. Now I do get a crying spell here and there recently but after I cry I get on with things better.<P>I hope you start a journal soon. I recently deleted my early letters of hate and rage because I'm not that person anymore,it was sad to read from a person I didn't recognize as me....I mean I was horrible!<P>Should have started anti-depressants long ago.<P>Bless you dear ISB. I wish I could offer you a soloution to end your pain quickly. If I knew how to do that I'd do it for me first. It's hell on somedays. But now I'm breathing a little less painful.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Just an update.Today better day, got up and said I am not going to feel like crap today.So I posted a bit, read the paper, and asked H later in day to go to park with son, ride bikes, take a picnic. I actually enjoyed it, although I was a bit quieter than usual. And I am thinking of how to celebrate our 25th anniversary in a month-not sure how I will feel come that day, but I am hoping H and I will be more connected then and will have reason to start anew. I do not want to feel as I do towards him a lot of the time-disappointed, disallusioned, upset with what he has done. I want to feel happy with him again, is that possible? I still can't believe the stupidity of this whole episode on his part.What upsets me too is that he seems to have little insight into his behavior, and even in therapy I keep asking him to explain this all to me. HOw could he risk so much-our family, which I do believe he really values, his self respect, his integrity, etc. for a romp in the hay with at first a stranger and then a woman who takes him for big CS payments alleging she is his friend? I donot get it, and worry if he has changed so much that he is not the man I married and pledged a life of love and committment. It still sickens me when I think of it all-friend saw me today and saw how thin I have become-all my clothes are hanging on me-and wondered what is going on with me? I just couldn't tell her-too painful to admit to anyone, too embarassing, too shaming on how it reflects on my life, my family, my kids.But today I feel as maybe I will get over this-maybe one day I will feel o.k and have all this in the back of my mind.If I could rid us of CS payments, or reduce them, it would help. Every time I hear of someone doing something for home, getting car, etc. I think of what we cannot do due to H's stupidly financially risky mistake. I hate it, but I will get over it. I have to for kids. Thanks for everyone's thoughts and suggestions. I will consider antidepressants over next week if my mood continues to worsen.

up to the top.

lsb:<P>I had to respond to your thread because you are in so much pain and I remember all too well those first few months. I am going to tell you a little about my situation in the hope you will gain some insight or hope for yourself.<P>When my husband came home after his three weekend fling and admitted to me that he had sex with someone else, we cried together on the sofa, he kept saying over and over again how sorry he was and asked me to forgive him and asked me IF I could forgive him. About one week later, I found out that the OW was pregnant and we repeated the scene from the week before.<P>Over the next month, he waffled between showing deep remorse then suddenly becoming cold, withdrawn, rejecting me and on one occasion, extremely cruel and vicious to me. By month three he was telling me that our marriage was not going to work out and that he didn't think I would ever be able to forgive him or "get past this". He was cold, remote, mean and rejecting. This continued until about month five. When I had had enough and decided I wasn't going to put up with his rejection, I made a huge stand knowing that it may mean the death knell for any possibility of our recovery. I wrote him a long letter expressing my feelings about everything and left it on the table and left for four days.<P>While I was gone, he read my letter and had time to process what I had said, reread it several times and began calling me on my cell phone, leaving me long messages explaining how confused he was and so horrified at what he had done, thinking the damage was so severe that it was something we could never recover from.<P>From that point on we were in recovery. We talked a lot and he explained how disgusted he was with himself and how shocked and stunned he was that he could do what he did. He further explained that he was so ashamed and regretted what he had done, it was too terrible to face and that is why he acted so cavalier about it and why he kept saying "Can't we just move on?"<P>lsb, they can't stand what they have done. It is as humiliating and as embarrassing to them as it is to us. The only way they can move ahead early on is by wallowing in denial or dismissing it all as inconsequential because to acknowledge it brings the horror and magnitude of what they have done to the forefront. They know no one looks at them quite the same again. They know no one respects them as they once did. They know nothing will be as it once was. And they know they are then ones responsible for the gross violation of trust and the erosion of the marriage. It is just too much to endure those first few months.<P>To witness the horror of an OC and the repercussions associated with it and your family going without because of what they have done is unspeakable and they are filled with shame. The regret is paralyzing and they want to forget the whoare and OC ever existed in most cases. What is worse is to see the pain in their spouse's eyes and hear the sadness in their voice and know they alone are responsible for that as well.<P>Our husband's know they look like self absorbed jerks or dogs in heat and what they have done is a source of mockery to people who know them because people will never see them as they once did. They look weak. They look stupid and childish. I mean, c'mon...screw around with some slut and NOT use protection??? Hell, just the fact they screwed around makes them look ridiculous. Look at how no one respects Clinton and mocks him for his assinine behavior. <P>We had an esecially tough road because of my husband's alcoholism and bipolar disorder so he wasn't even functioning normally until his meds kicked in last October. Since then we have been in true recovery but it took us over two years to get here.<P>lsb, I know you expect your husband to display the regret and remorse you crave and need and before you can forgive him and move ahead, you need to feel as though you have been Justly Compensated by having your husband recommit, show his profound remorse and be extremely accomodating to you and focus on you and the marriage. This takes many, many months and meanwhile, while you are waiting for your husband to 'kick in' there is much you can do to hasten the process. You can tell him that every Saturday night when the kids are in bed, you would like the two of you to read Harley books together, you must explain you are in a great deal of pain and that you CAN move forward but you need HIS help, you can attend Retrouvaille, get counselling and make the two of you as a couple number one priority.<P>When my husband finally made the comitment to move ahead with me and the marriage, I gave him a laundry list of things he had to do for this to happen. He went through treatment (twice), attended Retrouvaille with me, pledged never to have contact with OW or OC and followed through with most of the requests on my list. This proved to me he was serious and while I am still in pain, still embarassed, still haunted by triggers, the episodes are fewer and farther between. I never thought I would ever feel joy in my heart again without having it clouded with doubt, I thought I would always feel a shadow on my soul, resentment towards him and hatred for the OW. Today, there is intermittent joy, sometimes the shadow leaves for a time (until I allow it to overtake me again) and I fight the resentment and hatred every day and probably always will, but it is not as intense as it used to be. Even though I am two and a half years since D-Day 1 (affair), D-Day 2 (pregnancy) and D-day 3 (birth), I still struggle because our recovery only just began in Ocotber so I am not really that much further than you are...I just hung in there because I have a twenty year investment (or I am a masochist) and I wanted to win...even if it was the booby prize. I knew that when he did these terrible things that changed our lives forever, causing me to make all the adjustments and causing us to take extreme measures to protect me (our divorce, our move) he had been a sick man who was out of touch with himself, with me and with our family. It had nothing to do with me but it effected me the most.<P>The child support you pay is absolutely outrageous and I can see where the resentment regarding the amount being extorted from you is a terrible and bitter sacrifice. To help remedy that situation, you could consider a seperation or faux divorce like cd and I have done. No one has to know you have done this except the courts. It is something to think about. If your husband has to pay support to you, then the OW's amount may be reduced significantly.<P>As far as medication for you to get through the pain...I cannot advise on that as I believe in bearing as much pain as possible in order to move forward faster...kind of like taking a band-aid off quickly rather than prolonging the pain by tearing it off a little at a time. However, many here take meds and find they get through their days better with it.<P>lsb, you sound so much like I did back in May of 1999 when I first came here. My pain was crushing...I couldn't imagine anything so horrible ever happening to me after all I had been through in my life...I truly beleived my husband was my gift from God to make up for my first crappy twenty five years of my life. He was so honorable, so crazy about me, so focused and involved in 'us'...to have him turn his back on us so quickly without warning sent me reeling for two years. Happy Girl is absolutely right...you need more TIME...time is the only thing, along with your husband's consciencous effort to help you heal, that will help you get past this.<P>You post a lot, lsb, and that is going to cleanse you and get your thoughts organized and actually help you see things more clearly and what you must do to change your life. You'll be OK, lsb...someday you will be OK.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

catnip, Your words are so appreciated. I will write more later, gotta get doing some work but you give me great faith.AS I recall, you have no contact with OC? does that make it any better?

For me, it makes all the difference in the world. I personally cannot deal with any contact whatsoever. I am not sure why I am so adamant about it, but this is how I feel. Maybe it's because I am still so hurt and disappointed..who knows. All I know is what I feel and how much I can tolerate.<P>Catnip =^^=