Six months ago I found out that my husband of 12 years was having having an affair with a co-worker, but my biggest shock was finding out about the child. I found out about the affair through his computer. You can imagine how I felt that date. Unfortunately my two children were at home that date when they heard me screaming like crazy, even forgot to turn off the computer, they also read about their father affair.My children and I are devastated,I will never forget my son's words that date my father ruined our family. When I found out my husband end the relation ship with the OW ask me for forgiveness, I chose to forgive him as long as there is no contact with OW and OC. Sometimes I wish I would have not forgive him. Because as time passes I learned more details about the affair. This was a long term affair 1 year and 8 months, he was with her through out the pregnancy, babyshower, he even witness the baby's delivery and videotape like a proud papa, something that he didn't do with our two children. I feel sometimes that I am the one putting all the effort in this marriage, because he refuses to change his cellular number, this woman call him at all time leaving messages of the baby crying, and saying dada. He doesn't want to change his number, because this woman knows where we lives, and his afraid that she will come to our house and create a scene, and all our neighbors will know about this situation. I think he doesn't want to change his number because he wants to updates of this OC. This OW is trying to make our lives impossible she has send me letters, pictures of them and the baby as a happy family. The baby was 4 months when I found out, but my husband never establish paternity when the baby was born. She took my husband to court to establish paternity, and also for child support, last months I went to court with my husband DNA proof to be his son, he establish paternity, and also paying child support payment. But this OW woman is not satisfy at all. She wants my husband to be a father to her son, and my children to establish a relationship with their little brother. My husband told her that was not possible, now she filed another petition in court, she wants back due child support that she feels that is owe to her, she even hired a lawyer. We have to go to court next month. I feel so stupid sometimes because everybody knew about my husband affair except me. It is true when they say the wife is the last one to know. My mother-in-law even knew the OC an OW. She has a big picture of this OC in her livingroom,also has welcome this OW and OC in her house. I am no longer on speaking terms with her. Also I got pregnant on March not plan at all, I miscarriage last week, the Dr. told me that the fetus had stop devoloping at 5 weeks, I stay in the hospital overnight, the Dr. did a D&C. Emotionally I feel so drain,sometimes I wonder if it is worth all the pain and aggravation that this men put us through if I would have known all this problems were going to follow after the affair end it I don't think I would had stay in this marriage. I am so confuse I love my husband but I don't think I could deal with this Physco for the rest of my live. I forgot to mention that this ow suffers from depression. Sorry for writing such a long post, but I feel the need to take all this problems out of my chest.

Dear Mina,<BR> I am sorry to have to welcome you to our little group, but if there is anywhere you have to be this is it. We are all in various stages in this situation, but we all know the pain, the doubts and the fears.<BR> First of all, if you haven't yet, I would suggest you read Harley's basic concepts and Surviving An Affair is helpful too. You can purchase that here on this site.<BR> How does your H feel about oc? It sounds like he has established some kind of bond, or at least in the beginning. I am over 2 yrs in recovery from the 1st d-day and I just want to let you know it can get better and it will if you both want it. I have gained back the respect I lost for my H and I love him more know than ever.<BR> Come here and read and post often. We are all here for you to listen and hopefully help. There are some wonderful women and men here. My prayers go out to you and your family. How old are your kids, btw?<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings

mina,<BR>I'm sooo sorry for your pain--you've got a bucketful of grief! Are you and your H in counseling? I highly recommend counseling! Do you have any recovery (from affair) books to draw from? I pulled up my post to newbies for you. <P>Your H should not be having contact with XOW/OC without a Policy of Joint Agreement with you. The two of you must decide together, and after some work on the marriage first, if the TWO of you TOGETHER can handle your H having visitation with the OC and under what conditions, certainly not with the XOW. <P>Also I can relate to your exhaustion dealing with a miscarriage. I lost a daughter at birth and have had 3 miscarriages. I hope you are taking extra good care of yourself during this hurtingful time.<P>Sending angel wings your way,<BR>Keep posting!<BR>J

mina,<P>i can't write much now, it is late, and i have to get up early. but i just wanted to tell you that i am sorry for the situation that you are in. i am glad you finally posted. though i remember reading for awhile at first, then finally posting too. i am glad you found the forum, it has helped me so much. prayers for you.<P>happy_girl

Mina,<BR>I am happy you finally posted. The women here are truly wonderful.<P>You are having natural emotions now.<P>I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your baby. It's yet another pain to add to your grief.<P>You are not alone.<P>You've been given some teriffic advice on reading and counseling. I hope you will follow up on the advice.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Mina,<P>Welcome. You will find comfort and understanding here. It is unfortunate that your children know about the affair and the OC. How old are they and how are they dealing with it now? <P>I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I have suffered multiple miscarriages and it is a painful enough experience, but when coupled with the discovery of the OW/OC I can only imagine the wild feelings go on inside of you.<P>Like some of the others, my marriage is in recovery and there is hope at the end of the misery. The first three to four months after discovery were the most painful time in my life. I could barely function. But, I read everything I could find on infidelity and relationships. Those books helped to soothe my feelings, discover where my relationship had gone wrong and give me the courage to get back on the right path.<P>Of course, this takes the commitment of your H. If he was willing to break off the affair, that means he loves you Mina, and he wants to work things out.<P>I would also just tell you that it seemed to me that my H was jumping to the tune of the OW -- anything she wanted he seemed to be placating her. When we talked about it, my H told me that he was afraid that she would cause more financial and emotional trouble in our home. So, he let her get away with a lot more than he should have. He knew it and he hated it, but he thought it was better to give in than fight.<P>The OW seems to be that type of woman. She filed for the back child support when it became clear that your H was not going to allow her to be a part of your family -- know your children, etc. Talk to your H. But find a quiet time when the two of you can talk honestly and without anger and try to find out what his true feelings are in this situation. You may be surprised that he is suffering through a lot right now.<P>MY MIL also had a photo of the OC on her wall and it caused me to stop visiting her. She took the position that the OC was family despite how she came into the world and I was not prepared to accept that or to allow my children to be subjected to it. Now, the novelty has worn off of the OC, so the OW and my MIL don't even have contact anymore. But, unfortunately, it spoiled our relationship anyway. We are polite, but there is no warmth or bond between us.<P>It's funny how the birth of a child is supposed to be such a wonderful event, but in the case of the birth of an OC it causes pain and breaks down so many relationships.<P>This is a terrible thing to happen to a marriage. But, you can survive and your marriage can be strong and good again. Come here and talk to us whenever you need to. You will find support and great advice here from people who have actually gone through this experience.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_wings:<BR><B>Dear Mina,<BR> I am sorry to have to welcome you to our little group, but if there is anywhere you have to be this is it. We are all in various stages in this situation, but we all know the pain, the doubts and the fears.<BR> First of all, if you haven't yet, I would suggest you read Harley's basic concepts and Surviving An Affair is helpful too. You can purchase that here on this site.<BR> How does your H feel about oc? It sounds like he has established some kind of bond, or at least in the beginning. I am over 2 yrs in recovery from the 1st d-day and I just want to let you know it can get better and it will if you both want it. I have gained back the respect I lost for my H and I love him more know than ever.<BR> Come here and read and post often. We are all here for you to listen and hopefully help. There are some wonderful women and men here. My prayers go out to you and your family. How old are your kids, btw?<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

mina29, just to welcome you and to say I am sorry for youur pain for affair, OC, miscarriages. I have suffered through all those things, and I know the devastation of the A and OC. My h also was at birth, attended baptism, took my own kids to child's first birthday party before I realized who this woman and child were to him. My kids just think it is daddys' friend's child, but it burns me they colluded to create this life separate from all of us. The involvement he had in child's life prior to my discovery really hurts. He loved woman, didnt want to stop affair at that point.I found out 3 months ago-H had to tell me since huge CS payments were then having to come out of our joint accounts. It has been a huge pain to me. Many days I do not think I can get over this, and I have been married nearly 25 years. wE have two young kids though who are8 and 4, and I want them to know nothing of this lousy life event. mY H believes they will not be hurt if he tells them he made a mistake and he loves them. I disagree-hearing of your own children's reactions confirms my fear and stance to not tell kids till older if I have to.How old are your kids??<BR>Get counseling if H is willing-talk to each other, although I find it is hard to talk to H without being angry and tha is getting in our way currently.Be greatful H is willing to stop contact with OC-but he has to stop contact with OW. I had to beg H to do that, but finally he did it and now I believe him when he has no contact. Keep posting-this site has been a godsend for me. It can be that for you too.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B>mina,<BR>I'm sooo sorry for your pain--you've got a bucketful of grief! Are you and your H in counseling? I highly recommend counseling! Do you have any recovery (from affair) books to draw from? I pulled up my post to newbies for you. <P>Your H should not be having contact with XOW/OC without a Policy of Joint Agreement with you. The two of you must decide together, and after some work on the marriage first, if the TWO of you TOGETHER can handle your H having visitation with the OC and under what conditions, certainly not with the XOW. <P>Also I can relate to your exhaustion dealing with a miscarriage. I lost a daughter at birth and have had 3 miscarriages. I hope you are taking extra good care of yourself during this hurtingful time.<P>Sending angel wings your way,<BR>Keep posting!<BR>J </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you everybody for your kind words and support. I am also glad that I finally post it. My husband and a I are not in counseling. I have read books on Infidelity, a very good book to read is Affairs A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity by Emily M. Brown. It made me understand why this affair happen, and also me feel stupid because as I was reading the book it explains all the changes to look in for a cheating spouse, from coming home late from work, to unexplain cash expense, that I refuse to see because I completely trust my husband. This book also helps you to understand the different types of affair. My husband affair it was an Emotional Affair. He was very emotional involve with this woman. About 2 months I had enough of this woman harrasing us, so I decided to sent her an email. I was very shock when she replied back to me, I found out that my husband had told her everything about us from the day we met and so on. He even told her personal things that I had confide in him. I which I would have not contact her. I feel so betray by my husband, I can't confide in him anymore with my worries or problems. After finding out the way he express about his family. I wonder if all married men that has had a long term affair put their wifes down. If I have known the way he had express about his wife and the mother of his two children I will have not taken him back. He has ask me for forgiveness in this matter also, he said at the moment he was thinking of leaving me for this woman, didn't thought that he love me anymore, but as he started really knowing this ow, he realize the big mistake he has done. By that time she was already pregnant, he felt that he couldn't undo the damage.<BR>He also told me that he try many times leaving her, but she was pressuring him,not to leave her. He told me he even took her to see a lawyer to sign an agreement, but at the last moment didn't want to. I wonder how can I keep my sanity.<BR> <BR>My husband was very involve in the oc life, until I found out. The oc was 4 months,now 10 months old. He was trying to cope with his legal family and beign a father to this oc. In the begining when I took him back all we did was fight, because he started missing this child,he want it to have contact, I told him that I will not tolerate any contact, and if he wants to, I will get a divorce. He no longer wants to have any contact with this child, since the OW has cause him many problems. I pray he will not change his mind later on.<P>My children ages are 10 and 9. My children have also suffered from this ordeal

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B>mina,<BR>I'm sooo sorry for your pain--you've got a bucketful of grief! Are you and your H in counseling? I highly recommend counseling! Do you have any recovery (from affair) books to draw from? I pulled up my post to newbies for you. <P>Your H should not be having contact with XOW/OC without a Policy of Joint Agreement with you. The two of you must decide together, and after some work on the marriage first, if the TWO of you TOGETHER can handle your H having visitation with the OC and under what conditions, certainly not with the XOW. <P>Also I can relate to your exhaustion dealing with a miscarriage. I lost a daughter at birth and have had 3 miscarriages. I hope you are taking extra good care of yourself during this hurtingful time.<P>Sending angel wings your way,<BR>Keep posting!<BR>J </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you everybody for your kind words and support. I am also glad that I finally post it. My husband and a I are not in counseling. I have read books on Infidelity, a very good book to read is Affairs A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity by Emily M. Brown. It made me understand why this affair happen, and also me feel stupid because as I was reading the book it explains all the changes to look in for a cheating spouse, from coming home late from work, to unexplain cash expense, that I refuse to see because I completely trust my husband. This book also helps you to understand the different types of affair. My husband affair it was an Emotional Affair. He was very emotional involve with this woman. About 2 months I had enough of this woman harrasing us, so I decided to sent her an email. I was very shock when she replied back to me, I found out that my husband had told her everything about us from the day we met and so on. He even told her personal things that I had confide in him. I which I would have not contact her. I feel so betray by my husband, I can't confide in him anymore with my worries or problems. After finding out the way he express about his family. I wonder if all married men that has had a long term affair put their wifes down. If I have known the way he had express about his wife and the mother of his two children I will have not taken him back. He has ask me for forgiveness in this matter also, he said at the moment he was thinking of leaving me for this woman, didn't thought that he love me anymore, but as he started really knowing this ow, he realize the big mistake he has done. By that time she was already pregnant, he felt that he couldn't undo the damage.<BR>He also told me that he try many times leaving her, but she was pressuring him,not to leave her. He told me he even took her to see a lawyer to sign an agreement, but at the last moment didn't want to. I wonder how can I keep my sanity.<BR> <BR>My husband was very involve in the oc life, until I found out. The oc was 4 months,now 10 months old. He was trying to cope with his legal family and beign a father to this oc. In the begining when I took him back all we did was fight, because he started missing this child,he want it to have contact, I told him that I will not tolerate any contact, and if he wants to, I will get a divorce. He no longer wants to have any contact with this child, since the OW has cause him many problems. I pray he will not change his mind later on.<P>My children ages are 10 and 9. My children have also suffered from this ordeal.

mina29, your children are not that old.How have they taken this all??what did you tell them?How are they feeling? What is their response to their father? I would like to know, thinking of my own kids reactions when they may find out. Please tell me.YOUr h sounds a lot like mine-=he had an emotional affair, too, loved her but wasn't going to leave me he claims but I am not so sure. I think OW wanted him though. H also wanted contact with OC- I couldn't handle it, told him if he had to do it I would divorce.After a lot of pain and sorrow, he agreed to no contact ever.But I think he still hopes I will one day change my mind. I do not think I ever will- I told him that as well.

dear mina,<P>I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. At least you have found this little group. It seems that you have been reading this board for a while, so I assume that you have read that time does take care of some of this, but I think a combination of time, counseling and peer support is the combination that works best. I would almost say that your recovery can't begin in earnest until you have all those things in place. If your husband won't go with you, go by yourself. You have enough built up inside you to keep a counselor busy for a year or two at least. <P>Mrs. Job<P>Sounds like you have a desperate, manipulative OW just like I do. It has taken me 6 months of hard work to get her untangled from our lives. I hope she stays gone.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lsb:<BR><B>mina29, your children are not that old.How have they taken this all??what did you tell them?How are they feeling? What is their response to their father? I would like to know, thinking of my own kids reactions when they may find out. Please tell me.YOUr h sounds a lot like mine-=he had an emotional affair, too, loved her but wasn't going to leave me he claims but I am not so sure. I think OW wanted him though. H also wanted contact with OC- I couldn't handle it, told him if he had to do it I would divorce.After a lot of pain and sorrow, he agreed to no contact ever.But I think he still hopes I will one day change my mind. I do not think I ever will- I told him that as well.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Isb, <P>My children has suffer from this ordeal, in the begining when they found out, they ask me so many questions, as to why did their father lied, and cheat, they were so shock. They had this perfect image of their father. My daughter was extremely upset by this, she didn't want me to take her father back. My daughter is only 9, but sometimes she's very mature for her age, as you know affairs take time away from their family and home, well my husband will come home very late from work, or will tell me that he had to work weekends, and he wasn't spending too much time with our children, will miss school plays. My daughter put two and two together and realize that all those time when he said that he had to work were a lie. She felt betray, my son was also upset by this matter, he ask his father why did you do such a thing, my mother has always respect you, this coming from a 10 year old. My children has no desire to know this child. I don't if when they get older they will change their mind. But like you I will never change my mind regarding this child, since it was conceive out lies.

Mina,<BR>I share the same feelings that everyone else has so poignantly expressed....glad you found our group, but sad that you're circumstances dictate that you had to seek us out.<P>I'll emphasize some of what I've read....<BR>get family, marriage, and individual counseling. Your children have experienced shock that they can't deal with without the benefit of professional help. <P>A couple of other things...the XOW sounds so much like the one in our case. They get angry at the H when they begin to realize the fantasy island weekend is over. Reality starts to kick in and they start pulling every trick in the book. They want to find ways to validate the 'relationship'..pictures, knowing the in-laws, anything to keep them from facing the harsh reality....they were easy street-booty. <P>Belive it or not, your H has been set free. There is a lot of work to be done. He's betrayed not only your family right now, but he's tainted any legacy he may leave behind....but, none of us are perfect! Hang in there, it will get better. <P>Luv,<BR>MM<BR>p.s. you might want to consider a restraining order...I wouldn't put it pass this xow to harass the children and try to make your recovery more difficult than it already is.

Dear Mina - <BR>I have been coming to the site for only 3 weeks (since the day after I found out) about OW and OC (who is only 3 months younger than my son - 18 months old). Being 5 months pregnant myself, I have found this site to be VERY helpful. It is encouraging to read words of support from women who we may never meet, but are very wise. Knowing you are not alone will help. Your children probably need counseling as well. I am glad my son is too young to understand the heated conversations H and I are having . ..but my thoughts are with you. Take care of YOU during this time - get counseling yourself asap. I did - had first appointment yesterday and it was helpful.

mina29, I want to welcome you. Im new here as well and have found it to be a true comfort. I dont always agree with some of the post, but it helps to hear everyones views. MB is a good balance in my life. Dont allow post to be taken too personally. Some people arent here to help or listen. Overall, this place has helped. But Ive found great support from my family. Im sorry for you lose. Losing a baby is very difficult. I too have miscarried. This is a place to vent. Good luck and hope to see you around.