To want to pick fights with H..It seems everything he does<BR>just makes me so mad...I want to wack him upside the head sometimes. He cant even say anything and I growl at him.<BR>I do now believe that this was his only A. I was PG and it lasted 3 weeks. He has been open in the counseling sessions.<P>DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DUFUS SAID!!! That I make it hard for him because he thinks "I am Perfect" the Perfect wife the perfect mom, Perfect homemaker, etc... and I am always right...which our counselor feels that my need to always be right can drive H away ( But you know what...I usually am right, lol)...My response...so you go off and get yourself a Ugly, out of shape Bimbo...who's Bio-clock is ticking and no one else would do her cuz, they have seen farm animals more attractive (OK the anger is starting to surface...) I need your Prayers to keep it in check. well I think you see what is happening here....I am starting to hate everything...thats right MyCross said HATE ( but I still cant hate my kids or OC..just everyone else)...NOW here is another clincher....I just found out 7 weeks ago...BUT H has been supporting OC since Birth (even paid for medical expenses). WE are giving this woman and Ungodly amt (H has a VERY successful business, we have alot of financial perks. This is why women come on to H ALL the time...of course he very good looking..BUT it is the money, that really makes women come on to him ( we live in CA where there are no morals). NOW we have a VERY GOOD EXPENSIVE LAYWER working on this...The OW has been procrasting the blood test. That is why H finally had to tell me, she was refusing to have the baby stuck, and told him if he made her she would tell me. So our lawyer got the judge and H to agree to a mouth swab (this is very accurate for DNA testing)...so all they do to OC is swab her mouth, and its done. Well last week H went in, they took his picture , finger printed him, copied his DL, drew his blood, and certified it and sealed it for testing. OW never showed up according to the lab. So now we may stop payments if she does not coorperate. We pay for everything for her...what we give her, she will never have to work, and she is not..so it is not like she was "busy". she is really pissing me off.. I told H just to stop paying her until she gets the test done...I am starting to wonder if she was already PG when she had A with H, the baby was 3 1/2 weeks early, and weighted 8 lbs. I am trying not to get my hopes up ( as I said she looks like my oldest did when he was a baby)..BUT why wont she take that baby in??? H has been totally responsible financially, he did not go with her to any appts or delivery, but he wants his daughter to be part of our lives...and we are fighting for visitation, and our laywer said we should get it..since we are enabling her to be a SAHM, and of the amt of support. she wants the money...she will have to allow visits (in our home)...I am really confused and upset...I tell you if that baby is not H's...she best not have spent all that money we gave her...cuz I will go after her for it and maybe even fraud...emotional distress...Hell In CA you can sue if someone looks at you funny...oh yea lets not forget blackmail...she threaten to tell me ...I have the money to make that womans life...HELL, the way she has made mine...Thank God my kids dont know anything yet...we are going to keep it that way until we get the DNA results...why confuse them at this time....so what do you guys think???...have you heard of woman purposely lying about who is the father (unless on Jerry Springer) WHY WONT SHE TAKE THE BABY IN?????...WHAT WOULD MAKE HER NOT WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH???...Ok I think thats enough spewing of question..Thanks guys<BR>God Bless,<BR>My Cross

MyCross:<P>I believe in the book: "One of you can bring the two of you together", by Susan Page---there is a chapter entitled "Would you rather be right or would you rather be married?"<P>It can be a serious problem.<P>I would suggest by the tone of this (and other) posts and your husband's comments, that you are an expert on the precision use of the lovebuster Disrespectful Judgements. A great read for you would be Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/pagestemp/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Lovebusters</A>. Trust me, as a former expert in the disrespectful judgement arena myself---you will find that this book really hits home. The best thing that I ever did for my marriage was to work on eliminating these behaviors, with the help of the Steve Harley through the MB phone counseling service (888-639-1639). Steve is a terrific coach and motivator, and I'd suggest that you give him a call.<P>

I don't know what to tell you, my cross.But I see the anger is starting to show,and I am not surprised,That is how this process goes.why the OW would not seek DNA testing if it really is your h'/s child escapes me. I know the OC in my case was furious at H for not telling me of child's existence.She was mad at him,,threatened to write letter to my inlaws, still threatens to do that.When he finally told me, she wanted to know my reaction to D. I am not sure what she expected-that I would be happy and open my arms to this life she and H have given me? That he would leave me or I would kick him out?She actually emailed me saying she and H were over, she learned her lesson, and if they talked about parenting child, I had no fear they would get together and she hoped H and I would resolve our differences. I did not want to discuss with her my marriage or my response to situation, she initially was closer to H than I was, emailing him, asking my thoughts about this, till I had to plead to H to stop contact with her. Now she really doesn't know where H and I stand on issues, and that is how it should be. H and wife should discuss marriage alone, in therapy , but not with knowledge of OW. I really do not know what OW expected upon my discovery, I know she expected her child would be given access to my kids-=she knows them and has been around them somewhat before I found out-but I will never let her know them anymore and I hope over time my kids will forget her and OC. I pray for you, both.

My cross,<BR>Yes they do lie about these things. Let me start out by saying my h is a slow learner. Before I meant my h there was a child born this women named the little girl my h name first middle last and this is a girl running around with a boys name. Anyhow we had been together I think at the time 3yrs. The child was almost 5yrs old and she decided my h was going to pay she wanted back support like $40,000 med cost for 4yrs time she missed from work you name she wanted it. She did the same thing about the test didnt want to hurt the child she even lied to the proscuiting attorny and said my h was the only man she had been with. Well guess what the test came back and there was no chance that he was the father. They did say that my h could sue her. Its sounds like she very well could be lieing that is a big baby for being a month early. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you guys. with love flowerseed

MyC,<BR>Oh thank goodness you ARE sounding normal now!!! Yes! yes! the answer is yes to all of it! One reason I wondered if you were a crasher originally is that you said you had no feelings! Now I realize you were still in the shock stage of grief. You are now understandably in the anger stage of the grief process! (maybe that isn't helpful for you but it sure helped me to know I wasn't crazy, that rage and despair are "normal"). <P>And if the XOW is putting off the bloodtest, yes it is possible that she is afraid your H isn't the one. No ones know for sure until then! I hope your H is not still providing support without the DNA... but your lawyer can advise you there.<P>Meanwhile, keep looking at your marriage. Listen to K re: the lovebusters. There are some great quizzes and resources at this site!<P>God understands your human feelings!<BR>Prayers for you,<BR>J

Dear MyCross,<P>I have that same problem ane you are right. I am almost always right! We are all right! Seriously this is a big problem and disrespectful judgements are my monkey. It is so hard to stop them. The advice you got was good about Harleys concepts and questionaires. Man Oh Man. We havent dotn them all yet. Actually we ahve only done the Emotional Needs one. I looked through the Love bUsters one and I was like "gulp". I told me H I was gonna fail that one miserably. I have tried to change that with certain things like even if my way (as I see it) is better or faster or easier...if his will get the job done I just smile . grin and bear it, ya know. THat oen is so hard.<P>Anger...I am just gettingover doing that. There were days when I woke up pissed bc he was jsut there. he couldnt eat, sleep, sit, walk or talk right. For me what it boiled down to was I was sooooo mad I wanted him to suffer the way I was. He might have felt guilty about what he had done but there was no way he felt anything close to what I did. ITs normal and will ease up. <P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

Dear MyCross,<P>I was full of anger in the beginning -- similar to what you seem to be experiencing. No matter what my H did, I would find fault with it. No matter what conversation we had, I would find a way to turn it back to him and how he had hurt me and ruined our lives. Looking back now, it is a wonder that he stuck it out.<P>Anger is just one of the natural stages that we go through. The good news is that it eventually is replaced by a better understanding of yourself and your needs -- what it will take to make you happy again. <P>This is a terrible thing that has happened to you -- you didn't ask for it, you don't want it and you are angry because other people are now controlling your life and your emotions. But that won't last forever, MyCross. You will take back control of your life and your own feelings. It's just a process that you have to go through to get there.<P>Keep reading. It is definitely the hardest thing not to throw those lovebusters all over the place. I was not convinced of the value of filling the love bank until now. I have now become a firm believer in the Harley principles -- they DO make a difference. Also read other books on infidelity and relationships - they will help you get grounded and figure out what it is you want.<P>You seem to be doing just fine and we all support you and understand you. My prayers are with you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Thank you for all your replies. Thanks Jenny it is nice to know I a normal after all. It feels like demons are inside and I just want to throw my hands about and scream...but I imagine I would be placed in a straight jacket,lol..<BR>I cant remember who asked but the ans is Yes we have been supporting OW and OC since the birth (probably before-I just found out 7 weeks ago about all this) H told me what and how much. It is alot. H's has a very sucessful business (3 of them), she knew he had money...I am begining to think that was the motive. BUT as of MAY 1 no more...she has to get her butt in for the blood test...our lawyer said it was OK not to pay..she will have to have the court force Paternity testing ( which H has already done)for continued support.. what we are giving her she will never have to work...and she hasnt. so her not getting the money this month will be a shock...let the games begin. The worse thing that will happen is we have to pay it back if OC is H's...BUT if H is not...what we have given her so far (in 8 months)is twice as much as she made in a year...Payback will be a B*&^%....I will hang her up to dry if this baby is not H's...she will be working for YEARS to pay us back...and I may sue her for emtional HELL...meanwhile I just am fighting to take control...we are not mentioning this to anyone because now we are wondering what is up???<BR>It is funny watching H..he is starting to feel weird...I think he has bonded to this little baby and I think he now has his doubts too, so instead of I told you so...You know K that I am always right thing...I just go to the Mall..I figured I am entitled to at least what she gets...if not more...so I am shopping my anger away...I told H last night..I was going to buy some shoes and a new car today...he went white...Money is what gets my H...sick as that is...it is what makes his world go round...that was a priority that has always have been screwed up for him...BUT that is how his dad was and his sibs are too...so he messed around, and he will have to pay an executive salary for the next 18 years HA!!...OK I am all over the place again...I have a difficult time placing my anger in any praticular order...it flitters from here to there...the is no method to this (my) maddness....Thanks again for all your input...funny thing you are all right...now it is just controlling myself...Thank again guys

MyC,<BR>have you read my recovery post to newbies??! Anger tips!<P>Those rages are just as normal as can be, even though they FEEL crazy! <P>Someday this will all be just a bad memory and you will get your "sanity" back. Don't make many big decisions for now!!! <P>Prayers,<BR>J