Need to talk to you about fear of death my husband is having. I am very worried.
wtbauer@bitwise1.com if you think I should not post these things. let me know.
Tami

Sorry I'm getting back to you a day late. I read most of your previous threads. I am concerned with 2 areas. 1) You - please keep in close contact with your pastor/counselor/support team. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to vent, then vent (in a healthy manner, of course). Are there children involved? Are you concerned for your safety? If so, then remove yourself from the house to a safe place immediately. 2) Your H - have you contacted his department chaplain? If you feel threatened or if you feel he would harm himself I would encourage you to contact his supervisor immediately. Please stay in touch! May Jesus bless you!

I don't think he is going to hurt himself. I don't think I am in danger. But his feelings are unhealthy. NO kids involved. He says he has always known that death would come for him at a young age. He says he has no desire to harm himself but he is scared. He says he is scared to go to sleep afraid that he won't wake up. He says he locks all his door and sleep with a loaded gun next to his bed. He says he can not make any plans or decisions for the future feeling this way because he does not know if he is going to be here in the future. I am trying to encourage a counselor. Their department is so small they don't have anything like you are saying. His preacher he is talking to is telling us that every thing he is feeling is normal and he does not even really need to meet with (preacher). I myself am feeling down if you read my other post feeling down. I am just a bundle of worry, hurt, anger, hope, all of that. I have tried to help and told him I want to be there to help. But it seems nothing I do helps.

I am willing to take any suggestions. We are going to a wedding together this weekend. I am going to insist the gun stay home. It is going to be an overnight type of thing due to the distance from home.

I'm just passing through but this doesn't sound at all healthy. He definitely needs counseling.

I think every one has some thoughts about death but this sounds really over the top.

I think the minister is wrong, wrong, wrong. I think he is wimping out. My understanding is that ministerial training mostly consists of religious, philosophical, theological training and some psychological work. But they are trained in religious matters more than psychological matters. Perhaps he could be entreated to meet with your husband enough to gain his confidence and urge him on to someone who could better meet your husband's needs.

I heard an article on domestic abuse and law enforcement matters (I am NOT implying this is your situation). One of the points they made is that many women continue to live in these dangerous, life and safety threatening situations because domestic abuse is grounds for arrest in some cases and conviction would cost the officer his job. She needs the money and life-style he provides. And there is a hesitancy in the department to act against one of their own. Therefore it becomes self-perpetuating.

Well we are back from the wedding. Not any talk of death or anything like that. Was a very up and down weekend. We went to Southern Illinois and we have spent much time down there with his aunt. But turned out to be a big trigger for him to remind him of OW because she once told him a story of taking her kids there. Unbelievable! A life time of memories taken away by 1 story. It just about killed me. But I did not react badly to it. I just said I understood and tried to help him through it as the reception was at one of the very places she told him she took her kids. We went for a walk and I told him to try to make new memories. He got angry at me at one point (nothing abusive just mean) He asked why I had not gone ahead and divorced him. I asked if that was what he wanted. He said that is not what he was saying. I told him why I was still there. I told him I deep down I loved him, and I also realized that 50% of our relationship problems were my fault. However the affair was 100% his decision of how to handle things. I told him I had faith that it is possible to have the relationship we had always wanted and I was not ready to throw away 12 years together with out trying to save it.

He told me I was a stupid fool for not kicking him to the curb. He really upset me. I got up and went and took a long shower, he took a nap. He woke up and said he was sorry and he had felt like he had just violated me. We ended up getting up and going out for supper and a drink. We then went back to the hotel and went to sleep. Nothing happened between us except he grabbed my hand at the wedding ceremony as I began to cry. I can not tell you how warm that made my heart feel. At the reception several times he put his hand on my back. I can not believe how such a simple gesture can make you feel. Ride home was long. I did a lot of crying as I finally told him all I was feeling. He asked me to have patience with him and I told him I could try my best but he had to help me through this some. He needed to keep in touch and try to give me some comfort and reassurance. He asked several questions as we got to his house... Why did I ask him on our first date? What did I expect to happen as a result of our first date? What has he failed to give me that I wanted? only thing I can think of is that at one point (when my sis was pregnant) I desperately wanted a baby and he refused... but I now realize that I wanted one so bad because she was going to have one. I told him this and he wanted to know if I still wanted kids. I told him that he had given me many small opportinities in the past ex: I forgot to take several Birth Control pill's and he said oh well lets have sex anyway... but I would not do that so obviously I don't want kids.
He said he knew I would refuse to move into his new house and he did not want to live back in the town I am in so it did not matter anyway. I told him later in the evening that I will move into his place if it comes to the point he wants me to. I told him that he needed to know I was not happy that he had made that decision for me by moving there knowing his town board would want him to stay... and I told him there were things we had to work out such as we have a cat and dog.. the dog is allowed at his new place but the cat is not. ect. But I was willing to move to the house he is in now.

I just finished Surviving and Affair and it was very helpful. I left it at his house and asked him to read... I doubt he does.. I hope he does.. I think it would help him.

He does not think it is fair to move back in with me while he still has feelings for OW. I feel without being with him I can not gain his love back for me. Do the reasons he wants to move in together matter as long as the recovery goes as planned and the love is regained? I don't know the answer.

I also told him that I wanted us to go to counseling. He said he did not need a shrink to tell him he was screwed up and talk about the past. He already knew that. I told him the only thing about the past that has to be considered is what went wrong with our relationship and from then on we need to concentrate on the presant and future.

I have decided to try to give my relationship to God and try myself to continue to become a better person for me. I hope God will see it in his plan to lead us back together and help us try (H to decided to) change our relationship for the better. I just have a very very very hard time with the patience. It hurts so much when I don't hear from him. I think I am going to make a doctor's appt. and see if doctor thinks I need some medication to calm me down some.

I just find the need to vent and hear from others that I am normal. It helps me to talk about it for some reason.

Thanks,

Glad to hear from you. I do believe God knows your situation and he has a big place in His heart for both of you. It's hard to let go of your H but it sounds like he needs some space. I'm not talking about a long period of time but he is trying to sort things out. I understand his department is small but I'm disappointed they don't have a staff chaplain for their officers. These are not ordinarily paid positions but someone in the department needs to recognize this need and get some outside help. I suggested you speak to H's supervisor. Have you done this? I am really concerned about his emotional state. He needs some time off the job to recharge his batteries, so to speak. I strongly encourage you to seek pastoral and professional help. I'm not really into using medication to ease your hurt. I feel that all other avenues should be checked out first. Would your H be open to contacting me? Stay in touch and God bless!

Problem is he is the Cheif of Police I guess the Mayor is the only one above him. I believe she "does not want to get involoved" I don't know if he would talk to you or not. I left the book Surviving an Affair at his house and asked him to read it. I do not know if he will. He was at the house this morning to get his work bench so he could reload ammo in his spare time. He said his spare time was the worst because all he had to do was think. (boy do I know the feeling) I am all upset I am quitting my job today because I have not been paid in 4 wks... my stomach is all in knots. But it is amazing I have not thought about my Husband problems all day. Maybe I will ask him about talking to you and if he sounds favorable I will give you his email address. I just don't think he will be up for the idea. That is the killer he needs someone now and I can only do so much as some of the things he may want to say I don't want to hear. they are just to hurtful to hear over and over again. I will let you know what I find out.

If he'll contact me I can offer him some help and a shoulder to cry on. Please make him aware that I am in law enforcement in a major metropolitan area and a police chaplain in the small town I used to work in. There is help available to both of you if you choose to seek it. The fact that he hasn't cut off contact with you is a good sign that he is making an effort. However, if you ever feel threatened by him, or if you feel he is a threat to himself or the public, it is your responsiblility to act. Don't be afraid but do the right thing. Check out John 16:33 in the Bible.