There has been many topics on whether the Oc should be involved in the life of the Bs and their family. there have been many arguments for both side. People say it is only fair that child knows father others say it isn't fair for oc to spend so little time with father.. Some argue it is good for the half siblings to know each others others say it is not, ect ect ect. The bottom line is really this is my opinin <BR> I CAN HANDLE THE OC SO IT WILL BE IN OUR LIFE OR I CAN NOT HANDLE OC IT WILL NOT BE IN OUR LIVES.<BR>LETS ALL STOP MAKING DIFFERENT EXCUSES FOR WHY OC IS/ISN'T INVOLVED AND JUST REALIZE SOME PEOPLE CAN HANDLE IT(GReAT FOR THEM AND OC) AND SOME CANNOT(WHICH THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY AND SHOULD STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY YOUR DECISION)<BR>

I agree with you whatif, but to a point. I think the children of original family do bear some attention and merit,and that each family knows what may be best for their own particular and unique circumstances. I also think some of the kids will respond with warmth, others with great surprise and anger and hurt upon learning of OC. only their parents can be the best judge/guess of that,and even then they may be wrong. What I question is if children of original family do not have contact with OC-why tell unless you fear knowledge surface from some other party? I agree with Dr. Laura on this one-telling just in case opens up the potential for harm to children. Think of it this way-if OC did not exist, and only the affair had occurred without producing a child, would you tell the children what BS had done?probably not.you may say we are having problems , we are working on them,etc. but I doubt adult conflicts are discussed with children.Doesn't see appropriate to me.So why does the OC;s existence make this any more a necessity unless contact is initiated by all? What do you all think?

Isb,<P>My H and I are not in the position where we have to worry about an OC, but believe me, it *did* cross my mind. My own feelings are that regardless of whether H wanted the OC in our lives or not, I could no longer take it and a divorce would be forthcoming. But since that is not the case, I can only offer my objective opinion. Chances are that the children from the original family WILL at some point find out about the OC. Regardless of whether it's from the parents, the OP, or simply through local gossip. Some secrets are simply too big to shove under the rug, and this is one of them. <P>I had a friend whose sister recently went through this very same scenario - her children at the time were in high school and college. They found out about a half-sister fathered by their father - the OC child was also grown. The children eventually all wanted to meet each other and they get along swimmingly. However, the problems initially came into play because it was such a shock to everyone and the parents had covered it up - there was a lot of adjustment time, believe me. <P>I think that the children of the original family should always be informed of the existence of the OC as soon as they are able to handle the information, regardless of whether the OC is in their lives or not. Better safe than sorry. <P>belld

whatif,<P>it wouldn't matter whether i wanted to be involved or not. my H doesn't want to be involved. if we are asking to stop trying to "justify" our decisions, i would like to request that people don't judge men who decide not to be involved. like i have said before, women have the rights, to have or not to have, to give up for adoption or not to, etc. my husband in a sense gave her up for adoption. many single women adopt now, so that could have been the outcome.<P>btw, OW has NEVER asked that my husband be involved. only that he give the OC his last name, and give her money every month.<P>happy_girl

I have the unique experience of knowing that I have a sister or half sister somewhere whom I have never met. <BR>How did I find out??<BR>My parents came home drunk one night and were fighting and I overhead my stepmom tell my father to go ahead and visit his daughter and her new baby.<BR>News flash to a 12 year old.....I have a sister?????<BR>Asked my stepmom about it the next day. She told me to ask my dad. <BR>Asked my dad, he told me that it had nothing to do with me.<BR>UM....excuse me....I have a sister and it has nothing to do with me???????<BR>Asked my aunt (dad's sister) she told me to ask my dad.<BR>I still do not know the truth.<BR>I know that somewhere I have a sister that I have never met.<BR>I have always wondered about her. I was an only child and always envied my friends who had siblings.<BR>I will probably die having never met the sister that I wished so badly to have.<P>Just a different slant on things for you to consider.<BR>Every single situation is different.<BR>Part of a parents job is to make decisions that are in the best interest of their child(ren).<BR>And always remember...for everything there is a season.<BR>It is so very unfortunate for a parent to be placed in the position to have to decide whether or not to tell their child that they have a blood relative that is not a part of the immediate family unit.<BR>I guess the only thing that I can say is to ask God for guidance and do what you feel is the best for you in your circumstances and for your child or children.<BR>God be with all of you that have to make this decision.<BR>I surely do not envy you!!!<BR> The Hawk

whatif, I hope you don't think someone describing their circumstances is making excuses. This board is for sharing, so we do.<P>For instance, my husband is military and we are stationed far from the XOW/OC, so whether I can "handle" visitation is irrelavant to the fact my H's job put us too far away to have any at this time. See what I mean?<P>Best wishes for marital bliss to all <BR>J

what if?, I totally agree. It depends on what you can handel. I also think, that if a man says he doesnt want a relationship with his child,he is either cold hearted, or saying what he thinks wife wants to hear! I personaly know that would end my marriage..If H said that to me. But thank god H wants to take care of his child. I also dont think my son has more merit or worth because hes our son. I will also encourage son to NEVER feel that way. Of course this I only my opion. Everyone has one right? OW says she about 5 1/2 months. She does look it to me. Anyways good post!

Why is it so hard for anyone to believe that a man might actually put his marriage first in his life?<P>We have no contact...due to ow moving with no forwarding address. I do not feel we should have to spend $ we do not have searching for her. Hence, no contact. There is my justification.<P>But I asked my H hypothetically the other night would he ideally have contact if he could. He told me that they live 1000 mi away and it is not logically possible. So therefore he doesn't think about it. I asked him if for some reason they moved 5 min away what would he want. He said that he would like to be father to oc, but he knew ow. He said he would do nothing that would jepordize our marriage. This was of his own accord. I have NEVER told him that he could not be father if he wanted to. The only stipulation I made was that over my dead body would he ever be in the same room with her (ow) without me. THat is what ow could not handle and that is why she didnt want us to see c.<P>Just a little insight from here.<P>Love<BR>bw<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited May 12, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by broken_wings:<BR>i think my original post is misunderstood. i am not saying contact is good no contact is bad.. i am saying only the parties involved can make that decision and i think a person should be able to say" I couldn't love my husband if he wasn't involved" or "I couldn't stay married if he was involved" and that should be good enough. i don't think anyone should have to justify either of those two statements.

whatif,<P>I understood what you were saying and i agree. I was refering to another comment made.<P>Love<P>bw