My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have a 1 year old son. We have recently (about a year ago) moved within 30 miles of where she grew up and where her parents still live. She works full time and I am a full time graduate student in engineering (I'm at school ALOT!!)
My wife moved out a little over three weeks ago while I was at work. She left a note that left about 5 demands and said she would consider moving back in 6 months if I did these things. It was quite a surprise to me because we hadn't had a fight in over 3 months and I have even asked her within those 3 months how she thinks everything is going, and she told me she was very happy.
One of them was to go to a counselor 2x per week (I have my second session next week). She refuses to talk to me in any way shape or form unless it is with the counselor. During our first session, I told him my feelings and that I was reading books and articles (including this website) to try to make sense of this. She merely said that it was nice to be living at her parents house because she didn't have to worry about cleaning up after anyone or doing any work. She was very cold and would not even look at me.
I later found out she was seeing the therapist without telling me (which I don't mind..kind of sad she had to be sneaky) and he told me one on one that she has never expressed a want to terminate the marriage, she just wants things to change. During our first sessiion, she brought up that when we fight that we get out of control. I admit I have this strong desire to be right all the time (I think it is the engineer in me), but she has done things like physically hit, slap, kick me, spit on me, and even gave me her rings back telling me they were worthless to her. I hve never, ever done anything like that. The therapist told us to talk on the phone for at least 45 minutes to one hour to try to reconnect. She called 5 days later and after 15 minutes, she did not want to talk anymore. She was very nice..just was done talking. I politely asked her if she would and she said, "30 minutes tops!".
After reading a few books and articles, I can see how she might feel kind of emotionally drained, especially due to the fact that I am not home as much as I should be (because of school). She is living with her parents right now and I really want to talk to her, but her parents won't let me and she refuses to talk unless it is with the counselor (even then I felt she didn't make an effort). Her parents don't like me for some reason (she is an only child and they are very protective of her) and they are constantly telling her things that belittle me. I am confused on what to do next. I want my wife and child back in my life, and I'm willing to do what I need to do to change our relationship for the better, but it is hard because I'm getting these mixed signals from her. She says she doesn't want to end the marriage, but shows me something completely different. I don't know what to do....any advice??? Please help!!

thanks
-M

You need to start subjecting everything (including your school schedule and whether or not you even go) to the POJA. You both need counseling for anger management. You need to start following the Policy of Undivided Attention. You need to get rid of your Love Busters, all of them. I don't care if she LBs, that does not give you the right to.

These links will help explain the why's and wherefores of the advice I have given to you.
Why Women Leave Men

The P*ssing Contest

Are you being controlled.

Thanks for the advice, tak. I think you are right on the mark about that. Initially I felt reluctant to go to counseling because I felt that only "abnormal" people or wacko's go. After reading numerous pieces of literature on this topic I don't know how people survive without it.
LB is something we've had a hard time with. Mostly because we were doing it but didn't realize what we were doing or what it all meant. Looking back on it, that's how my family dealt with problems, and my W's parents the same.
The only issue I have now is that I have all of this knowledge and advice that I have gained over the past almost month, but she refuses to talk to me about it and her parents refuse to let her talk to me about it.
Any advise or similar situations??

-MM

I think that you need to just apply the concepts to you. Meet her ENs as much as she will let you. Avoid LBs like your marriage depends upon it, because it DOES. Follow the POJA, even if she won't. If you know she won't be enthusiastic about something, don't do it. If you are not enthusiastic about something, don't do it.

You can't tell her about everything you've learned and have her come running back to you. You have to show her and build trust. Right now, she does not trust you to care for her. This trust has been destroyed. You have to rebuild it.

I suggest you also read the book "Boundaries" for the times when she goes off. She is going to have to have therapy for her Angry Outbursts. You absolutely NEED the book 'Love Busters'. Start with eliminating LBs. You will find the advice to start with LBs in the Love Busters book.

So many start with ENs. This is a fallacy that will wear you out in no time. Because you haven't stopped your rapid withdraw of love units (from your LBs), you are depositing into a sieve. You will make no progress, and will wear yourself out in the process.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> her parents refuse to let her talk to me about it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The parents need removed from the situation ASAP. You cannot demand this or LB, but you need to bring it up with your MC, and your W. They are biased, ignorant, and are not going to help you, your W, or your M.

<small>[ August 29, 2003, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Thanks tak!! It actually makes a lot of sense. It has been a hard going for the past few weeks and now I feel like I have a bit of direction. I'm going to get the LB book and read it. Thanks again for all of your advice!!

-MM

What is your MC's take on her anger issues? What is the MC's approach to saving the marriage?

How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor