last wwek the oc came and spent 4 days with us, this oc is now 12 yrs. old, and we just recently found out about him,at first the oc was pleasant, but then after a day or so, i could'nt even hardly look at him without seeing ow and h together, i told my h i could not do a visit again, he said he don't know if he can walk away from oc now after spending time with him, i'm the only one who can't accept other child,our 3 daughters really got along great with him, they can't wait to see him again, (ages 26,23,11) but i just can't do it, am i so wrong to not want oc in my home again

Wow Befar,<P>This is something I have not had to deal with. NO major words of wisdom here, just total support.<P>If this is something you are willing to try ot accept then I am sure it takes more than a weekend. You must have a heart of gold to begin with and I am sure the image would ease with time. <P>Sorry I have nothing of much insight here, but I will pray for you and your family.<P>Love<P>bw

I don't think wrong is the right word. You have to give yourself time to process all of this. Don't make any big decisions now. Just try to let it sink in. Talk to your h about how you feel. WHen I look at the oc's picture now, I can almost see a resemblence with my baby. The oc is 20 months and my baby is 18 months. I could scream! But you have to give yourself time.What you are feeling is normal.The only time I saw oc she was 6 months old.I literally almost passed out.My H had to take her away from me. THen after a few minutes I lokked at her again and touched her.Her little fingernails were too long and she was drooling. I didn't know how to feel. These situations are not normal, they are so emotionally charged ,just remeber that.

Hey befar,<P> Blue is right, give yourself some time to work through this. You just found out. You have had a lot dumped on you, it will take time! ( But it gets better, I promise!)<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Befar,<P>I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experience with the OC. But, as the others have said, you really need to give yourself a little time to adjust.<P>At the beginning, the OC represented the relationship that our spouses had with someone else and that is a pretty painful thing to think about. But, that relationship is long over so try to focus on how you feel about the child himself being part of your lives.<P>You obviously made the decision to try, so perhaps you should reserve judgement until another visit or two. But, if you search your heart and find that this child cannot be a part of your family, then there is no such thing as wrong. <P>This is such a painful ordeal for so many of us. There is no use in your trying to accept the OC with a heart full of bitterness and pain. Try to work through your feelings. Talk with your H about it and see if you can't come to some middle ground.<P>God bless you. I am sending prayers to help guide you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

befar, these cases are all so tragic and painful. I'm sad for you, your family and OC. <P>You in the early part of grief/shock and no one can blame you for having a hard time. As others said, take time for yourself and don't burn any bridges at this early stage that you or your H may regret later (ie don't make big decisions yet!!!). It's normal for your feelings to change and rage all over the place for awhile. <P>Please see my recovery tips for newbies (I'll bring it to the top). I haven't had to meet the OC in person yet, so I don't have any experience there, but my heart goes out to you. Please keep in mind the MarriageBuilders principles of Honesty and being in enthusiastic agreement with your spouse (Policy of Joint Agreement). I hope you keep posting.<P>Prayers and best wishes,<BR>J (2+years in recovery)<P>

Sorry that I just caught this post & am responding late. <P>Befar... all I can add is that my late SIL had a very similar experience with my brother and the OC he fathered just months prior to the birth of their daughter. My brother did not tell anyone until he had too (court stuff & couldn't hide CS payments anymore). When this happened OC was about 8 years old. My SIL somehow managed to accept OC coming for visits and being a sibling to her D. But it had a strange twist to it all. I have posted on this before. The OC began to resent the fact that his father had a nice home with all sorts of things he didn't have back at his house with his mom (computer, pool, big house with a yard, etc.). Most of these "things" were available to my SIL because of her good job, not because of my brother. OC was ill tempered when his visits came and showed destructive tendancies. This poor child should have received therapy, but didn't. Of course my brother didn't help much. He is an alcoholic and his attitude was not great. My SIL actually was better to the child than my brother was. <P>Fast forward 4 years later. My SIL has passed away from cancer. Not that this has much bearing on this story, but my brother lost his big house & "stuff". The OC has spent lot's of time this past year with my brother, but primarily this occurred when child was suspended from school (fighting, attacked a teacher, on & on). This poor child has so many problems. I blame his father (my brother) and OW. They should have gotten this child some help many years ago. And his tenuous contact with my brother just aggravated the poor child & made his issues worse (this is just my opinion here). <P>Boy, this sure sounds like gloom & doom. But it doesn't have to be that way. I think any child can be loved and accepted. It is the ability to surround that child with love that can prevent all the "mess" that my brother's OC went through. I always saw my SIL as the guardian angel that brought the only sane adult into that childs life. How she did it is beyond me. She was fighting cancer and taking care of her own child through all this. I think of her strength and try to apply it to my situation. She is my guardian angel also I suppose. Anyway, the OC does look almost exactly like my brother. <P>I hope you can work through this. If it is too tough on you during visits, perhaps take a break and visit a friend for part of the time that OC is with your family. Think of it this way (if it helps) that you are giving YOUR children a gift when you show kindness and compassion to this child, since he is their sibling. I try to take it from that angle and it helps me. <P>Take care... Carolyn