My H and I were watching a Discovery Health Channel special on infertility. It was a wonderful special that really gave a hopeful message. At least, it was a hopeful message to everyone but me.<P>I started thinking about how some women have such difficulty and others have it so easy. Then I started thinking about the OW -- wondering if my H had been protective of her while she was pregnant, worried about what she was eating, nagged her to get extra rest, talked to the baby through her growing belly. <P>And so I asked him if he had been as protective towards the OW when she was pregnant as he is to me. He seemed surprised and then asked me why I would interject someone else into an experience that we were sharing together?<P>The truth is, I don't know why I did it either. I ruined my daughter's birth because I was so depressed that the OW had a girl. I didn't even pick out a name for my daughter for two weeks, I would just lay in bed and cry. I felt that my daughter was nothing special since he had just had one with the OW. Now, I feel myself falling into that same bad mood and thinking the same thoughts.<P>I know that my H has chosen me and loves me. But it feels like every little thought of what they did together is somehow stabbing me like little knives. I know it is a phase that I will get through -- maybe too many raging hormones. <P>I just really wanted to vent... this situation is always just lurking outside the door waiting to smack you down when you least expect it ...<P>love,<BR>heavenly

OHHHHH sweetie,<P>I'm soooo sorry you're having such a bad night.<P>I guess the one thing I can say to you is that your children were created out of love. This baby you are pregnant with is made out of the love your husband has for you and only you.<P>Regardless of what he did with her while she was pregnant, it's the past. Just like the affair and everything else that went with it.... it's the past.<P>Your present and future is growing daily inside of you. All the love you have for your husband and he has for you is what created the life inside of you.<P>I do feel what you are saying though. Last night H and I were watching the Sopranos which is my absolute favorite show. Normally watching Tony have his extramarital affairs doesn't even faze me. But last night the show was about the OW going wacko and falling in love with Tony. Even going so far as to drive the Wife home (wife didn't know she was sleeping with H.) I swear I had flash backs of our OW and I chatting online and I didn't even know she was not only sleeping with my H but has his daughter! I had to sit up in bed last night and grab a glass of wine and a cigarette to stop shaking!<P>Those little triggers will be with us forever... the good news is ... as time goes on, we have sooooo many more good thoughts and things going on to squash them! <P>When your new baby gets here it'll be a boat load of good memories and thoughts to squash those triggers!<P>Look forward to that Heavenly!<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

heavenly,<BR>Oh goodness, you are human too! You give so much positive hope and support to others, you deserve at least as much back! I pray you get back to your peaceful self soon! You have great faith in turning it all over to God that I find inspirational. This (bad)moment is temporary, I'm sure. You hang in there and keep fighting the good fight! <P>Hugs and angels,<BR>J

Dear Heavenly,<BR>You have been an inspiration to me all along. You believed in my H and I. Now I am telling you that it IS in the past.<BR>My H worried the same way. I suppose so nothing else can go wrong is why. (you know...healthy baby...etc)<P>You must continue prayers of thanks.<P>You are so special to your H.<P>You truly have a heavenly body now......<P>Hey Zebra! How funny to mention Sopranos....when Tony sent that guy to ow and he said the "last thing you'll see is my face if you don't stay away from Tony's family"<P>My H laughed and said....some restraining order....ha ha <P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

heavenlybody,<BR>I find when my mind wants to start wandering I have to make myself stop. It is just so hard to turn it off. I know easier said then done, I hope your feeling better today. I didnt get a chance to tell you congratualations on your news, wow what a suprise! I find that a big hug from h really seems to help my little one has a thing called group hugs or family hugs that does wonders also for turning off that wandering mind. Take care hope your feeling better today with love flowerseed

Hi Heavenly,<BR>I'm sorry you had a hard time. TV can be a tremendously big trigger for me, too. It got so bad that we'd be watching TV, and if something came on that alluded to infidelity, or if a character's name was the same as ow, H would immediately get the wide-eyed "deer frozen in the headlights" look on his face, because he knew it was only a matter of time before I dredged up the subject again. so I had to find a way to prevent myself from doing it. This is what I do now. If something comes on that reminds me of ow, and I can't get it out of my head, I start playing (in my mind) the McCartney/James Bond theme "Live and Let Die". To remind myself that I need to live on and let ow's impact on us die out. I focus on getting every single word and note exactly right as I "play" it in my head. And by the time I get it right, I have usually forgotten what it was that triggered me in the first place.<P>It may sound really silly, but it works for me. I suggest that you find some kind of similar mental excercise to focus on when you start to obsess over ow details. doesn't have to be a song; you could go over the Pythagorean Theory if that works for you. But the more you practice distracting yourself, the better it works.<P>And heavenly, keep in mind that your daughter has one thing the oc can never have: You as her mother. <BR>And that is the most special thing of all.<P>with love,<BR>cd

Heavenly,<P>I know what you mean. TV is a big trigger for me too. It also makes my H very uncomfortable. It is awful how they portray the whole world as having affairs and they so seldom show the real devestation that they bring to all involved.<P>You have my support and love. You have ben so caring and strong for so many others here. Jenny is right, you deserve some comfort in return. You have whatever I can offer through email.<P>Affirmations, mantras, prayers do work. I love CD's suggestion of playing a song in your head. I have known others who pictured a stop sign (well me actually). I became so depressed after Dday that I developed psycho-motor agitation--non-stop shaking of my legs and sometimes whole body. A combination of meds, cognitive and behavioral therpay helped tremendously. My mantra was "I am a beloved child of God. Totally known and totally loved."<P>I just want to make sure that I got your details right. Your daughter and the OC are close to the same age, right? You knew about the A and OC by the time your daughter was born and you were too depressed to celebrate her birth as you normally would have? It is your daughter's birth, not the child that you are carrying now, that you feel you spoiled her birth, right? <P>Try and be as understanding of yourself as you are of others. If I got your details right, you were going through massive trauma at the time your daughter was born. Bonding is a strange thing, sometimes it happens instantly and sometimes moms look at a new baby and are not quite sure how it got here. Studies say it takes a full six months until a new child is fully integrated into a family's life and everyone is feeling comfortable with each other. So it doesn't sound like your experience (especially considering the circumstances) was different from what many women experience.<P>I wish you peace,<BR>Mrs. Job

Oooooh those damn triggers!!!!<BR>I agree 100% with what everyone else has said...your babies were made in love sweetie so keep that forefront in your mind.<P>Heavenly screw this OW of yours...these damn chicks have no problems getting pregnant but you on the other hand know the true miracle you have in your babies. YOU my dear are blessed. After all of those years you struggled and endured all the pain of not having children, you didn't have one, you didn't have two..babes you are working on your third.<P>It is so clear to me...God wants you to begin again and what better way to show you than to bless you with a third miracle..another baby with your H. Hon you have reached a turning point so those little triggers mean nothing. If he spoke to her belly, if he told her to get more rest...who cares! You are his W and you guys are together and by the grace of God will have three children together. Pay attention to things that count...your family...your H....your baby and bask in God's mercy!<P>No stress girl...none whatsoever...OW doesn't count in this...she just doesn't fit into the equation anymore...<P>Take care of yourself and be happy in what is TODAY!!<P>Love and prayers<BR>Leelee<p>[This message has been edited by Leelee (edited May 15, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by heavenlybody26:<BR>[B] prayers are being sent, remember that you have a child who loves you and there is no stronger love then of mother and child. If i ever start thinking of OW I play with my kids, little things make it better.

I don't post much, but I read as often as I can. The OC in my situtation was born the first week in March and we are awaiting paternity testing scheduled for this coming Monday.<P>Heavenly...I am sorry for your bad night. Hope you don't mind me sharing a feeling similar to yours. Mothers Day was hard for me (it was also our Eleventh Anniversary). The OW has taken from me one of the things that just my H and I shared together, being a mom and dad to two great little boys. She has intruded into my world and its hurts desparately sometimes. <P>We will get through this........jessie

Jessie<BR>Good luck on your paternity test, my thoughts are with you. Any advice on how to deal with H, when I get angry about OW, he says it wasn't her fault and that I should let it go. He believes it's possible to be friends with her someday. She is due this November. I screamed WHAT?? Friends? He says he doesn't expect me to love this child, but to be loving. I am so confused and freaked out. I know it's not OC's fault, but isn't she responsible for seeing a married man for two years? She now says she doesn't want to be part of some weird triangle, the OW, I say she should have thought of that before sleeping with MY H! Thanks for letting me vent.<P>Heavenly, hope today is better....

Hello dear, dear, Heavenly,<P>I'm so sad about your bad night and the pain you are feeling.<BR>Those awful triggers!!!! I often wonder if OW also experience triggers and suffer as we do...probably not. Anyone who could do what they did couldn't possible have the capacity to feel the depth of emotion we feel as BS. <P>I recall how you always seem to have just the right comment to "lighten my load" when I'm feeling in despair. I wish I could do the same for you today. Please try to focus on the love your H has for you and the life you two have created, and put thoughts of the OW away as best you can. I know how tough it is to do that, but try anyway. As a matter of fact, learning how to push away thoughts of OW is something counselor and I are working on now. I'll let you know if he gives me any miracle suggestions for accomplishing that feat!<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear heart. <P>love, anniem<P>

Dear Heavenly,<P>First off, a belated congratulations on your<BR>happy news!!! I am truly happy for you and<BR>will pray you can relax and enjoy your pregnancy.<P>It seems we all know about "triggers" and how<BR>disturbing they can be, even when we are on the<BR>road to recovery. Everyone's advice is from the<BR>heart and so helpful. We all come from different<BR>backgrounds with different circumstances that led<BR>us to this forum-but we share a common bond.<BR>I think your hormones are in full swing and hopefully<BR>they will "calm down"...I, too, wish I had the magic<BR>words that you are able to put in writing. Please<BR>know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>Take care, fluke

Dearest Heavenly,<P>I too am sorry that you had such a bad night, only to receive that disturbing email from Happygirl! I hope that you are doing better today. How are you feeling physically? When is your next appointment with the doctor? Try to take it easy, we want that little Heavenly to arrive happy and healthy!<P>On a lighter note, each time I have read this post, and someone mentions "triggers" I have to re-read them. If I read over it too fast, the phrase "Those awful triggers" comes across to me as ,"Those awful tiggers" I was beginning to think you all had something against me I know that isn't so, so there is no need to apologize.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

Heavenly, Dear Heavenly...I am so sorry I did not respond when you first posted.<P>Heavenly, aside from whacked hormones and the "blues" that come with the territory, the triggers you experienced are a very real part of our lives now and none of us can escape them altogether. I know I can't. In fact, coming home from work last night (I got a job as an interior decorator-can you believe this?) I lost it. My mind played some real nasty games on me and for some reason I just allowed it all to come rushing to the forefront. This is ancient history and I can't explain what triggered it but something did. Maybe my thirty five minute drive to and from work with no radio on empty highways gives me way too much time to think.<P>Sometimes we aren't even conscienciously aware of what it is that provokes these brain burps that catapult us back into the time machine, reliving the agonies of months or years ago. I thought I was past all this but I am not. All the adjustments I have had to make because of my husband's actions have taken it's toll on me and sometimes I resent it and him from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes and feel it twist in my guts. I was shrieking in my car, and crying "You SOB, you sl*t, you losers, you've fu**ed up my life forever you blah-blah-blah!!! How could you?!"<P>It was a scene to behold. I am sure the wolf and moose scratched their heads and said "Whazzup with her? Sheesh!"<P>So, not to worry, Heavenly. You are completely normal like the rest of us in this crazy little club of ours. we all just have extremely ABnormal circumstances to deal with and adjust to.<P>So, are we "Thinking Pink"? Or "True Blue"? If you could trry to put your mind on "numb" for the next seven months or so, you will do yourself and the little one a lot of good. Postpone your 'revisiting' for a year from now if you can...(I am a good one to talk!) Think about your miracle and concentrate on your husband's joy and try to focus.<P>Stay strong, Heavenly. <P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

Heavenly,<P>Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you that after my breakdown in the car on my way home last night, I walked in the house and my husband looked at me with love in his eyes and said, "How's my Sweet Darlin? I sure have missed you today Babe." And all the bad stuff melted away. I'm so easy.<P>After dinner we sat down in front of the TV and watched a diaper commercial (trigger!), three very young wives discussing thier birth control pills and how great their skin looks and how they won't get pregnant until they want to (trigger!), and a pregnancy test commercial (TRIGGER!!!), a very heart-wrenching ad admonishing men to be dads to their kids (trigger!) and a woman with a big belly in a swinsuit about to take a dive off a diving board. (trigger!) And Texas and NY were both mentioned in the same sentence!!! (TRIGGER!) And there was a Marriott ad (trigger!) Well, I lied about the Marriott ad for impact but the rest was true. Hahaha. I have to develop a thick skin about ths stuff or I will always be like that guy on that old I Love Lucy episode "Slowly I Turn" where the guy lost it if anyone said his wife's name "Martha". Lucy tried not to say his name but of course, it would slip out and she would realize she had just blurted it out and her mouth and eyes would become three round "O's" as he would say "slowly I turn" and then take a pillow and hit her with it. Am I remembering this right? Never mind. <P>Now tell me, Ladies, is there any possible way on this planet we can get through one day without the constant assault of triggers? I think not. We have to try to desensitize ourselves somehow...anyone got any suggestions?<P>Catnip =^^=

Jeez is it a fullmoon or something?! YUCK! ` <P>heavenly and catnip, I too had a bad-memory come up: the ONE time in YEARS that I was gone overnight and H let XOW and her kids spend night in my house with he and son. Says they never did anything in front of kids but it makes me so sick... he got up and made them all waffles in the morning and for all I know XOW was thinking how great a life she could have and planning the preg... but you know what! IT didn't WORK! Ha! So forget it all and be gone you infidels~! My H vowed to walk as a new man and he has. <P>Even we oldsters in recovery have a bad day, but we'll recover quickly, won't we ladies? We are survivers!! <P>Mojo, you need to post your story separate so we can support your own thread. Your XOW cannot legally keep your H and you from visitation if that is what you desire, but your H MUST understand that he cannot resume ANY "friendship" or contact without destroying your marriage. Show him recovery books on this or get conseling. A united front is critical!!

catnip-we posted at same time!<P>Suggestions? Quit watching tv, for one thing!!! Do you know I haven't had cable in about 10 years? And 99% of the time don't miss it one bit! When you die, what do you want to say you did more of... spent time reading, watching sunsets, talking with friends/spouse, singing, dancing, painting, posting on MB ... what?? Surely not watching more tv--hehe.<P>Godbless,<BR>Jenny

I am so overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern and love that I received from my post last night... you guys are just the best! You make me laugh, make me cry, and make me feel blessed that I found this Forum and all of you wonderful women and men.<P>Zebrababy and Jenny,<P>I guess I am human, much to my dismay. I set such high standards for myself that sometimes I cannot possibly meet them. I felt that I should have been past those type of silly triggers, but from what you both have said, I will just have to fight harder to keep the good thoughts flowing in order to keep the bad ones out. But, you know, when that sadness hits, it sometimes strikes so deep that it catches you off balance. I guess in the weakness of the moment, I just gave into the pain instead of fighting it.<P>I will continue to fight the good fight ....<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Dear Gemini and Flowerseed,<P>It really IS the past isn't it? Our H's are here with us and we are struggling to make our marriage better but we are doing it together. That is truly a wonderful thing to celebrate and give thanks for, Gem. You are right, I never stopped believing in your marriage -- so I better not pick this particular time to start giving up on mine!<P>Flowerseed, I had forgotten had wonderful a family hug can feel. My kids used to do that with me too and it could be so reassuring and grounding -- really helps you put your priorities straight and remember what is important. Thanks for reminding me that sometimes you just need to reach out and be hugged.<P>Thank you so much for your congratulations -- it was a big surprise to me too! I will work harder at turning off that wandering mind of mine.<P>love, heavenly