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Joined: Aug 2000
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Dear cd and Mrs. Job,<P>I don't think your suggestion is silly at all, cd. As a matter of fact, my H is a huge fan of James bond and "Live and Let Die" is one of his favourites. You are right about needing something to focus on to keep my mind on track and also to get over that awkward and uncomfortable silence that can sometimes descend after seeing one of the triggers on TV.<P>Mrs. Job,<P>I have one son and daughter who were both born after my H's OC. I was fine with my son's birth, but when my daughter was born all I could think about what that the OW had already given my H a daughter before me. It sent me into a major depression. I ruined the baby's homecoming. My H had set up a video camera in the front hall to tape me coming in with the baby. I refused to get out of the car when we got home and we have a video of my H trying to carry the newborn, our year-old son and a diaper bag with no wife in sight!<P>Last night I got scared that I was slipping back into that frame of mind of comparing myself to the OW and OC. But, all of you guys read me the riot act and straightened me out.<P>Mrs. Job how are you doing these days? I know these are difficult days for you. Is there a possibility that you can adopt from an agency here or a private adoption? You have so much love to give, I hope that you and your H will keep exploring. <P>love,<BR>heavenly

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Dear Leelee, Whatif and Jessie,<P>Leelee you cracked me up when you wrote "Screw this OW of yours!" You are so right. I am exorcising her ghost tonight and tying a cement block around it to keep it at the bottom of the river. I am going to take it very easy and try to think only good things -- good karma only.<P>What if thanks for your hint. The kids with their simple pleasures and needs and their absolute love really make a difference don't they?<P>Jessie, it was that intrusion that you spoke of that got me so down last night. It used to hurt so much that this OW would forever share in motherhood with me and my H. But the pain did lessen with time. This is so new for you, give yourself time and things will get better. I am praying that the paternity test will be negative. We always pray that someone will be spared, I hope it will be you.<P>Thanks for your wishes, they are keeping me strong.<P>love,<P>heavenly

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Dear MoJo, Anniem and Fluke,<P>MoJo I am feeling better today. I joined you in wishing Jessie luck on the paternity test.<P>Anniem, my dear, you have been battling depression yourself so it means so much to me that you sent comfort and support my way. I am so happy to hear that I have occasionally lightened your load. I am normally blessed in my ability to cope with this situation and I do my best to send hope to others that we can make it through. Please let me know if your counselor comes up with any wise suggestions. The triggers are everywhere and they really throw your life in a twist when they pop up.<P>Fluke, thanks for the congratulations. It is truly wonderful the way that we all interact and help each other although we are each very different as you said. I am so grateful for all of you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

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Dear tigger,<P>I had to reply to you separately because I was so delighted to see your response. I have a confession to make. I have always felt that you disliked me. I remember that I used to answer some of your posts but you never acknowledged the replies. <P>I am soooo sensitive sometimes. I put on a tough front but I am a cream puff underneath. It really made me happy that you replied to me.<P>I have always been so in awe of you and Sailorman and how you are raising Abbi together. I think of Abbi as our honourary MB daughter -- it seems like she belongs to all of us in a small way.<P>That was so funny that you read the "triggers" wrong! I was really upset by the news about Happy_girl this morning just as you were. She was the last person who needed to be treated that way after all she has done to hold MB together.<P>The pregnancy is going very well. I have just passed the ten week mark and I am seeing a high risk specialist. I will have my first ultrasound next week and I am praying for good news. Thank you for your concern and your wishes for my and little heavenly's well-being.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

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Dear Catnip,<P>Normal? Like the rest of us crazy people in this little club? Oh, Catnip, your way with words is so reassuring!<P>I love the idea of screaming in the car and getting all the frustrations out but somedays I would need a much longer ride than 35 minutes! ha! So someone hired you as an interior designer? I think that is wonderful news. Even on internet you always struck me as a person with great style. I hope the lucky moose appreciates your sense of taste.<P>But, isn't it wonderful when your H looks in your eyes and says the words you long to hear. The other night while lying in bed, my H whispered in my ear "You're my dream girl." I just melted like M&Ms in the sun...<P>Your recanting of TV night complete with triggers was hysterical but so true. I have not watched TV in years, but my kids bug me constantly to watch. My H is a TV addict so I have been trying to spend more quality time with him. In front of the TV - some quality time, huh?<P>We have missed you so much -- you have been posting sporadically but it is not enough for those of us who crave Catnip and her wisdom of Catagonia. Please don't run away again.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

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Dear Jenny,<P>There must be something in the air if you also had a bad-memory appear out of nowhere. The idea of the OW having waffles in my kitchen with my H and kids would drive me to drastic measures. But you are right - IT DIDN'T WORK.<P>So, the last laugh is on our OWs isn't it!<P>I think I will go back to my TV moratorium... there is obviously no intelligent life forms inside of that tube...<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Joined: Oct 2000
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Dear Heavenly,<P>I don't dislike you at all!! I am sorry that I haven't posted more often to you, and I can probably blame it on the pregnancy at the time. I always tend to be absent minded, which only gets worse when I am pregnant [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I have always respected your advice, and taken it at times as well. <P>I have said to others, that I sometimes feel as if I shouldn't post on some threads, due to the major differences in our situations, and I usually don't know what to say when the women on this board are posting about things like CS and whether or not their H's have contact with the OC. I usually remain silent out of respect. <P>I grew up with a mother who taught me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, to not say anything at all. Not that I would put down anyone on this board for the decisions they have made!!! <P>We are all very special people here, who are dealing with a very unique situation, and I only post to others if I feel I can help. <P>Let me apologize now for the misconseption I caused you about my feelings towards you. I have had nothing but respect for you and all the other women here. You have all accepted me into our little family, even though you could look at me as the OW.<P>I will try to respond to everyone more often, if Abbi is being co-operative. I'm pretty lucky right now, she just got her 2 mo. shots, and is sleeping.<P>Thank you for the statement that you are in awe of me and Sailorman. We feel the same about all of you. I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in your situations.<P>Again, I hope that you continue to do well throughout your pregnancy, and we can welcome the little Heavenly into our fold, just as you all have accepted Abbi!<P>Love,<P>Tigger

Joined: Jun 2000
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dear heavenly,<P>i wrote you an email already, but wanted my presence known on your thread. you are a sweet, wonderful person. you are loved by your H, and those things are in the past. i know all to well how to dredge up the past, but then i think it is in the past, i need to leave it there! you should do the same. i know it is not easy, i am guilty of those yucky thoughts that hurt so much. i really do do what i suggested to you. i simply pray to god a simple little prayer over and over.<P>may god watch over your little baby growing inside of you.<P>happy_girl<P>i had to laugh when you said what you said to tigger. i have also felt that when someone didn't respond to a post i sent that they were rejecting me, or what i said. glad i am not the only sensitive one!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

Joined: Sep 2000
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catnip,<BR>I wish I had ideas on how to desensitize ourselves I have not been able to get there as of yet, I found myself writing in the dust on the mirror the other night what a f***ed up idiot my h is for doing this to us. The commerial that gets to me is one with teenagers saying they will wait to have sex that they dont want to get somebody pregnate or a sexualy transmitted desease, every time I see that it sets me off. I want to scream at h why couldnt you have thought about this you thoughtless fool . So I am just as oversensitive and crazy as everyone else that feels this way. Maybe someday we will get there wont that be nice. with love flowerseed

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I feel so much better after having cleared the air ...<P>Dear Tigger,<P>I could never think of you as I think of my OW. YOU took responsibility for your child and are not heaping pain on another woman. I believe you did the best thing for your child by giving her a stable, two-parent home. You and Abbi are blessed that your H has never wavered from his love for Abbi. She is his child, you can tell by the way he speaks about her. <P>It took a lot of courage for me to say something about your non-responses. But, I am awfully glad that I did. <P>Happy_girl,<P>Thank you for going "on record" with your beautiful post. To both you and Tigger I have to say that I believe so many of us have felt rejected by the most important person in our lives that we sometimes feel it will be easy for others to reject us too. This whole situation is a definite blow to your self-confidence.<P>Sometimes there are so many messages in the board it is very difficult to keep up. So, I have to be realistic about how many people can realistically answer. Sometimes, there are just too many and not enough time. But it was also nice to know, Happy_girl, that I am not the only "sensitive" one.<P>Flowerseed, isn't it the truth! We preach protection against disease and unwanted pregnancies to our teenagers, but then our 40+ husbands are out there making fools of themselves and making babies. What a world ...<P>love to all,<BR>heavenly

Joined: Mar 1999
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heavenly,<BR>thank you for such a great thread! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>catnip, I didn't mean to sell you short... I'm sorry you had such a bad night (how's your car?!) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] and I'm glad your sweety smoothed it over! I'll bet you'll make a great decorator, because you've got such good listening skills for your clients! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Warm fuzzies,<BR>Jenny

Joined: Jan 2001
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Heavenly,<P>Thank you, with tears. My prayer is still going up that the test comes back negative. Your support means alot to me. I haven't shared the feelings about Mom's Day with anyone. My mom and dad (and sister)know about OW and OC, but that is all. I know it would have hurt my mom terribly to see me hurt, so having you all to share helps because I needed so much to tell someone. You know, it was kinda bottled up and I think it was probably the saddest I have felt in a few weeks.I guess its also partly knowing the testing is scheduled too. Its scary just not knowing what is going to happen.<P>Thanks again...jessie

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<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited May 19, 2001).]

Joined: Apr 2001
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Hey Heavenly.<P> Re: High expectations of onseself.<P> There is a saying, " Blessed is he of little potential, for he will never disapoint you."<P> This applies to self expectations as well.<P><BR> God bless you overachieivers, from an under achiever, <P><BR> <P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Joined: Apr 2001
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Hey Cat-arpillar,<P> Good to have you back! You keep me on my toes!<P><BR> God bless you,<P><P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Joined: Oct 2000
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Heavenly,<P>When is your ultra sound scheduled? I will be praying for you.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

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I just sat down tonight after a two day absence from the forum to send a nice reply to Catnip's post on May 17th only to find -- poof! -- it's gone! Thank God I remember what I wanted to say.<P>Catnip, you are right. I am such a creme puff! I put on this tough exterior and you should see me in the courtroom -- I am tough as nails! But, under it all, there is a person who never believes that she has done enough, or is good enough. (Over-achiever is a real understatement, Gregg...) I was truly shocked when so many people responded with such care to my call for comfort. Sometimes with internet, you send out your thoughts but you never really know if they actually reach anyone or help anyone.<P>Reading your post, Catnip, was like curling up with a good novel on a rainy afternoon in front of the fire. You have a gift, dear friend, for getting to the heart of things, stripping away the complexity and showing us the simplest form. Don't ever lose that.<P>Jessie, the most wonderful thing about this forum is that we have a place to share. Like many others here, I have not shared this awful secret with any of my family or friends. My H and I have only each other to talk to about it. Although my H's family knows, he refuses to include them in anything having to do with the OC. So I know how you feel. It is just good to get some of the feelings out in the open.<P>Tigger, my ultrasound is scheduled for Friday. Scared? I am terrified. I will be 11 weeks by then so I keep telling myself that if I can make it to the second trimester that will be one more accomplishment to ease my mind. I'll let everyone know how it turns out.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

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I'll be praying for you and little Heavenly all week. I can't promise definate prayer on Fri, as that is the day my parents are arriving for their visit. I hope all goes well, and just continue to have the attitude of one trimester at a time [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Love,<P>Tigger

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catnip, I saw your earlier post too and it was a fun read!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] You're a great writer and I'm really glad that you're doing so well!!<P>heavenly, at 3 of my 6 pregnancies, it was the first ultrasound when I found out my babies would not survive. I pray that this experience for you will be a GOOD one, an ultrasound with tears of JOY and happiness!! Awaiting the good news!<P>Prayers,<BR>Jenny

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Geeze Heavenly I missed a day or two because I got a new computer. I hope all is well my friend.<P>Please start a new topic and let us know, ok?<P>Catnip you have a way with words. I think we will always have triggers.....like Vietnam vets...seriously.<BR>When I get a trigger I space out, it could be a song or the ow name I hear, a movie.....I know it's like fighting demons to rid my mind of the thoughts.<P>How 'bout the longing of the days before it happened?<P>I was putting a new check register in my checkbook Friday and I write the dates on the outside cover to look up checks.<P>Guess what the first entry was ? November 12 2000. The day before I was told. I went into some sad daze remembering that day before when my life was normal. I had been shopping with my sister. I had run into an old highschool friend and was bragging on how we were still married and for over 26 years! UGH!!!!!<P>I guess we'll always have to deal with that.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

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