Just to let everyone know I am still around. I may start posting again, H said a few days ago he saw my note and urged me to keep posting and he won't read them,but something about him reading my posts in past and reacting to them negatively has ruined some of the positive effect on me. I think I still need some time away from site. H and I still having our tough times, and today I feel rather pessimistic about our chances at keeping our life going together. Nothing specific, just I am realizing all what H has done to screw our 20 plus years of loving up, and I am not sure I can move on. I look at our beautiful children and think I have to try for them-they have no clue what is going on-but some days it is harder than others. I am still losing weight,now people are noticing it and wonder what is wrong. Just can't tell anybody. He actually said he never has considered divorce, no, he just expects me to make all changes and accept what he has done.Where last week in therapy I told him and counselor I was gettting closer to that idea since he really doesn't seem to empathize with my pain. Reading Torn Asunder book last night, emphasizes betrayer empathizing with betrayed's pain, and I am not sure H really gets that, or at least emotes it to me so I can see it. I hate that. I am sorry, I am not happy today, but did want to let gem and all the rest of you I am still here. I will post when I am up to it,and I am keeping tabs on all of you. Thanks for your thoughts.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 19, 2001).]

lsb:<P>Torn Asunder isn't a very good book for where you're at right now. When you're dealing with a husband who really hasn't let go of the affair (or OC), and isn't committed to reconciliation---it's not a very hopeful book.<P>Again, I strongly urge that you give the MB counseling a shot (888-639-1639). It seems to me that you're rapidly approaching Plan B time---letting your husband know that he's to move out and not have any contact with you until he's willing to seriously consider reconciliation on jointly agreed-on terms. This will hammer home what he's going to be losing, while still helping you to hold on to what love you have remaining.<P>I'm concerned that if you don't go to a separation soon (and you continue to read books that say that the betrayer must empathize with the betrayed pain), your love for your husband will hemmorage out, and you'll quickly move to divorce (with very tough effects for you and your children). Your husband hasn't considered divorce---let him have a taste of separation. I don't think he'll like it.

Dear ISB,<BR>I am so happy to see you posted. I've missed you.<P>Do not apologize EVER for what you are feeling.<P>I felt the exact same way. EXACT. Go back and look up my old posts from Nov, Dec, Jan.... know you are ok for what you feel.<P>IT IS OK honey...my goodness....it's such a blow to our whole being!<P>Then to think they'd EVEN CONSIDER abandoning us for oc.....thoughtless fools! Or expect us to accept it as if it were a natural occurance...NO!!!!!!!<P>You my sweet ISB did NOTHING wrong! It seems like H's want us to put on blinders for the sake of the child and continue on when we can't even face a day without the horror of it all....triggers....memories of us as two alone.<P>Then we are invaded in the most humiliating way and they expect us to understand.<P>THEY must understand ISB. <P>Your H needs you to ask him to leave. Your heart will ache even more but plan b does force them into reality.<BR>To take a moment and step back and see all the damage their selfishness has caused, and to see YOU CAN'T ACCEPT IT ON HIS TERMS. It must be mutual, everything from now on or it will never work.<P>It may take time ISB and when H finally shows you that you are most important to him things will click.<P>I will pray for your family ISB. I love you and have never met you.<P>I will say it again.....you sound exactly like me.<P>God Bless.....<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>Feel free to contact me dear friend.<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited May 17, 2001).]

LSB,<P>i am glad you are back around the forum, even if you aren't quite up to posting again. all these feelings you have are normal. i totally understand your need for him to give up the OC for you. it is not somewhere any of us would ever imagined we would be, but we are here. there is no right or wrong way to deal with this situation. we are all unique. you are hurt right now, and i can sympathize with your feelings of not wanting to accept OC. i don't truly know if i could if my husband changed his mind. i hope i never have to find out either, because what i think now would never be what i would do at that moment in time. just like if you had asked most of us if we would stay with a H that cheated?? i would have said emphatically NO! but i stayed.<P>until we are in that exact pair of shoes, we don't know how we would react. you are not the only one who cannot accept the OC. you are NOT alone. please don't be afraid to post because of that. we are here for support not to try to change peoples involvement or uninvolvement with the OC. <P>hang in there, this is the worst time. it gets better over time. you have to do what is right for you.<P>happy_girl

Dear LSB,<P>Just wanted to add my support...<BR>Whatever you feel you are entitled to!<BR>I'll keep you in my prayers. Take Care!

lsb: <P>K and Gem are absolutely right. It is time for Plan B. You must seriously consider implementing Plan B as soon as possible for all the reasons K offered. He is right, lsb. To save what little love you have left for your spouse, to let your husband see what life would be like without you and to put aside Torn Asunder until the two of you are reconcilled and in a committed recovery...these are the ingredients necessary to begin the healing process...as painful as it may be to begin with.<P>lsb, those of us who cannot allow the OC into our lives completely understand how you are feeling. Those on this site who have been able to include the OC into their lives completely support you. There are no judgments here for those of us who refuse contact. This is not a one size fits all site. We all know what we are capable of accepting and what is unacceptable to us. These feelings may or may not change for any of us at any given time, but until we know that we are number one in our spouses life, other options concerning the OC are non-negotiable.<P>Never apologize, never explain.<P>You're OK, lsb. Your feelings are valid and reasonable and remember you are still in shock and in the "angry" stage right now. All you can see is your rage and resentment and you are right on schedule. Allow yourself to work through this stage and begin the implementation of Plan B for any chance for recovery.<P>You're in our prayers and we love you and know what you are going through. I am glad you're back and lurking and occasionally posting. At least if you keep in touch every couple days, we will all feel better being able to keep tabs on you.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=