Hello,
I found this site and desperately need some advice. I feel so much like the world is going to come crashing down on me. First of all I am not sucidal... secondly I will explain my situation so that you will hopefully understand where I am coming from. I am 26 years old and I have been with my husband for 8 years as of yesterday. We have hardly ever fought and he is the most wonderful man in the world. I have absolutely nothing bad at all to say about him. I am the problem in our relationship. When my daughter was a little under a year old I had an affair on him. I did not love the man but like stated in some of my readings the affair was an addiction. I didn't want to stop. The affair was with my boss and only after I thought I was going to get caught did I quit. I had been questioned about the affair and lied about it to EVERYONE. Finally after a year later he came to see me at my new job. I told him then that it was over and that I loved my husband and that I wanted to make things work. That night I went home and told my husband, fully expecting for him to hate me. He didn't.. he held me while I cried and asked me questions. I broke his heart but we made it through it and went on to have another child. That child is now 3 1/2 years old and I have found myself into another affair. I tried to avoid it in one way but fully found myself diving into it too. I talked to the person that I was attracted to and told him. In one way I was hoping that he would just laugh at me and turn me away and in another I wanted him to want me too... bad. He talked to me for quite some time about what was wrong in my marriage and how I could fix it. He even told me to talk to my husband about how I was feeling. Well I did. I told my husband that I was attracted to someone else and that there was a problem. He said he understood and that we could work with it. We talked for hours but still I thought about this other person. I would use my talks with my husband just so that I could talk to him. I didn't care what I talked to him about as long as I got to talk to him. Well one night after talking with my husband I left in the middle of the night. I lied to my husband and told him that I was going somewhere else. I went and called the other person and asked him to meet me. He didn't want to but I told him I just wanted to talk that my husband and I were fighting and I just needed someone. He came and I "talked" him into sleeping with me. He wouldn't talk to me afterwards and I was devestated. I should have been grateful... but instead I found ways to get him to talk to me. I sent him pictures of me and letters and would call him like crazy. I was obsessed. We met a few more times after that. I had told my husband that I was with a friend that night and he gave me the benefit of the doubt. I talked to people and told people about the affair and eventually it worked its way back to my husband and his family.I denied everything so did my counterpart. We were believed by my husband. Not everyone else was so easily fooled. The person was actually my neighbor so that made things even more tempting and more complicated. I also babysat his children in my home and while I did not do anything around his children or my own I still did everything I could just to see him or talk to him. Again it has come to the attention of my husband. I didn't lie this time. I told him the truth and feared the worst. I hated hurting him. I hate it now. I can't stand to look at him because of the pain that I have caused him. He didn't deserve it. He told me that I need to make up my mind as to whether I want to leave or stay and not to do it for him or our children but to do it for myself. He said he would not keep our children from me and that he loves me still.... so why can't I figure out what I want? I have the perfect husband who is willing to do anything for me, yet I am not happy with him for some reason. For some reason i am searching for something and I can't find it and I am afraid that if I don't find it with him that I am going to lose all I have ever dreamed of and that is my family. We are going to start marriage counceling on Wed. and I am trying to make this work... however there is still the other person. My husband said that he wouldn't go after this person but he wants to talk to him. He also said that he wouldn't allow others to judge me and that he would stand up for me. I feel horrible and can not keep putting myself down for hurting him. Because I know in my heart that I had not been cornered that it would still be going on. I aslo know that given the opportunity I could even do it again... I need some serious help here because I don't want to cause him or my children any more pain. I don't want my children to hate me, but I want these feelings that I had with my husband before. I want to feel that way about him again and I don't know if I am going in the right direction...
I am sorry this is so long... I have just had so much built up that it feels good to get it out. Please don't judge me. I really am a good person... I am just unbearably confused right now and wanting someone to listen...
Thank you
tigeress....

I think that you and your family need to move in order for your family to heal. You cannot live next door to the OM while recovering. Part of this is because of the addiction, part of this is the pain to your H.

I think that you need to start being Radically Honest (have you read the Basic Concepts) and begin to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. You need to develop a plan to keep out of affairs.