Hi all,<P>I posted about our xOW calling and leaving a pitiful message on our machine that it "wouldn't have killed" my H to call her on Mother's Day. (She didn't stop to think that it might not have, but I surely would have. *big wicked grin*)<P>A woman (Amy, I think) wrote back that her H had left her for OW and ignored her this Mothers' Day.<P>I was just thinking which would be worse:<P>H has OC and stays in original marriage to realy, honeslty, work things out <P>or H has A with no OC, but leaves you for the OW<P>It's not a pain contest and none of us can truly know what someone in a situation that is different from ours is really going through, but I thought it was an interesting question.<P>I'll save my answer for after a few others have answered. I don't want to sway opinions in my very scientific poll. <P>Mrs. Job

I'm in the first catagory (the H with OC still married) and have to say, as far as one being better or worse than the other, I think they are pretty equal in some case.<P>In either case, the issues, although resolved, will more than likely remain in your heart somewhere for the remainder of your life. <P>Whether you have contact with the OC or not, you will always think of that child on some level or another. If you have contact, you will have to have ow in your life too. <P>If your husband leaves to be with the other woman and there are children from the marriage, you'll also have to deal with this for the rest of your life. No children from the marriage? Hmmm. Life would move on, painfully at times yes, but the daily grind wouldn't be there. <P>Just my thoughts. <P>Take care,<BR>CoR

Well, I don't count, since I have now decided that I am probably better off without my H and will be divorcing. I think that says it all for me. <P>But let's pretend I had a good husband to start with and then all this happened. I would think my answer would still somehow be tied to what I thought was best for my children. Their dad leaving has always been a terrible thought, so I would vote for "moves out w/ ow and has no child" as the worst option. If my H had been committed to working on this marriage I could definately take the issues with OC. <P>Carolyn

Mrs Job,<BR>this is an interesting poll. But since I have had way too much coffee this morning, and given the fact my dday is only 8 weeks, and for some strange reason H is just bugging me today...It leaves me to wonder why there was not a 3rd choice...The Bobbit theory comes to mind..<BR>You know what this really is not me...I really need to stay away from caffine...<P>But on a serious note...both options made me very sad..<BR>staying w/ H w/ OC (which is what I have decided on)<BR>scares me...the A will always be there...almost like a slow torture.<P>The other makes me feel sad and insecure, to be left after 17 years of marriage and FRIENDSHIP..is cruel..if it had happened. I would have hope that I could have that "I am better off without him" attitude. But I dont really know<BR>how I really would have felt. So of the two...it would be the second..I think I could "get over it" eventually...<BR>But I may feel that way cuz I am living the first..<BR>

For me I think the A/OC is hardest to deal with because it is always there wether you contact with OC or not, with an A and H leaves well he is gone and life goes on and you not have to deal with it every day, actually sometimes I wish H would just go because then I would not have to deal with it everyday!!!

I honestly don't know how to answer this one.<P>My H has two kids from previous marriage, just got divorced when we met. The start of our relationship was very rough because of his ex (who left him for OM) His extreme kindness to her and "wimpy" way of dealing with her issues makes me feel that I cannot put up with his having OW/OC. He says A is over, but sees that it's possible to be her "friend" when dealing with OC issues.<P>I still love him and don't think I could bear it if he left me for OW/OC.<P>I just don't know what I can live with.....I'm not sure at this point what would be worse.

Ironically, I can speak from experience. My ex-husband left me for another 'lifestyle' that included a couple OW's. There was no OC. While I was pretty miserable for about six months, I was very OK after a year. He wanted to come back but by then, I was no longer interested and moved on.<P>Going through this with my current husband of twenty years with the OW and OC issue, is by far the most diffcult and hardest thing and most heartwrenching thing I have ever endured. His staying and recommitting to the marriage and all the adjustments and changes in our lives have been of cataclysmic proportions, BUT the rewards over the past six months have been nothing short of sublime.<P>The thing I struggle with the most is my incredulousness that he did the things he did. I still wonder "how could he do this to me?" And now I know I always will wonder how this could have happened to us even though I know all about the bipolar and alcohol thing, but for me, that excuse just ain't good enough.<P>The investment of all our years together and because they were for the most part so good, I stayed. I also stayed because he really does it for me and I've always been nuts about him and he was always crazy about me. I hated thinking of life without him and knew that I would never get over him like I did my ex. So I accepted what he has done and the terrible, terrible fact that there is an OC when I can never ever have my own husband's child. I suck up all the bitterness for all the sweet, all the sublime, for all we are, all we had and all we have regained and discovered.<P>If he would have left me for OW and there had been no OC - or even if there was, he would have eventually tired of her and come home to me. After meeting her, I know this without a doubt.<P>Catnip =^^=

Very tough.<P>I married in my 30's because I had not found my soul<BR>mate until then. I do not want to lose him over such<BR>a regretable mistake. I dont feel there is a choice for<BR>me. I dont want to split my family up any more than<BR>it already is. So as much as I wish the op/oc never<BR>existed, it is a part of my life (even though there<BR>is no contact). Is that why they say Take the good<BR>with the Bad.<P>Dont even want to think about him leaving me for <BR>someone else. If that would happen, I would have<BR>to believe we were not meant to be anyway. Another<BR>blow. <P>Hello Mrs. Job<BR>Interesting poll! Well, what's your answer? <BR>Take care, fluke

As someone else also said: it depends on if I, the wife, have children with H. Since I do, it would be worse if he ran off with XOW--due to kids, I would never be rid of XOW or H, my heartbreak and my kids'. On other hand, if I did not have kids, I'd rather he ran off with her than had a child and repaired our marriage. Like Catnip says, I could get over my heartbreak faster and have a fresh start in life. (I don't think H and XOW could last together either but what would I care by then?)<P>And you, Mrs.Job??

Mrs. Job,<BR>Three days after d-day I called my priest and told him my story. He asked me to come and meet with him that minute.<P>The very first question he asked me was the same as you've asked us.<P>I chose it would have been WORSE if H confessed and then left me for ow. Especially because I was feeling suicidal. The only light I saw was H begged me to forgive him.(took me a while to even speak to him).<P>So there you have it.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I gotta tell ya - Having no children and having your husband leave you for the OW is devastating. Life does go on - but it goes on regardless of your circumstances. It troubles me that the legal system and other people regard my marriage as somehow less important because I have no children. <BR>I am 41 years old. I would have loved to have had children. Now, it's highly unlikely that I ever will. I am still legally married, still in love with my husband and not looking for another mate. When that time may come that I am divorced, I will still have a grieving period that I must allow myself. Then, perhaps, if I haven't learned to see all men as selfish pigs, I might consider myself ready to date. And, learning what I've learned on MB, I will make sure that both of us are realistic about what marriage will mean for us before I even consider marrying again. Then, how old will I be? Likely closer to 50. Not a great time in life to have children, assuming I am even still able to do so.<P>Statistics show that, children or not, divorce devastates all of those it touches. Sometimes in ways that people never really think of.<P>Having OC and H in your life gives you a new set of problems and pain to deal with - but you are not divorced.<P>Personally, I think comparing pain is foolish. Each of us deals with our situations individually, and there is no way for me to say "Yes, my pain is more than yours." Because there is no way for me to know, unless I walked in your shoes.<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Well Im still hoping I dont have to worry about OC situation. But in response to the question. I think staying in marriage and having to deal with the A day after day can be more emotional strssful. If H leaves with OW you are really faced with having to go on with your life. Its a more disinct closure for marriage. People survive divorce everyday. It is possible to be betrayed and survive. OC is kinda forced in your life. Well if you chose to forgive H. Good question.

we don't have kids yet, my H is committed to me and our marriage and we are in recovery. i would have been devastated to have him go off with OW. i guess though that i might have said something different at the time. we were in a mess and not happy in our marriage at all at the time of the affair. though when he told me, i was devastated and when he asked if i wanted him to leave, i told him no. i guess deep down i did love him, and wanted to at least try.<P>so for me, him running off with OW would be worse. this whole situation basically saved a marriage that was heading to divorce, even before our first anniversary. not that i would recommend this to people having marital problems. <BR>but for us, it pushed us into reality and made us decide whether we were going to sink or swim. we chose to swim, and have done pretty well.<P>happy_girl

Hi,<P>I guess I owe an answer since I started this topic.<P>I would rather be in the situation that I am in. H wants to stay. I feel that this way the choice of whether or not we continue in this marriage is up to me. It made me feel less powerless (well a little bit)that the decision was mine.<P>I felt no sense of triumph over OW. I think that all 3 of us (and OC) were losers.<P>Teri, I never meant to imply that a marriage w/o children is any less valid than a marriage w/ children. I am in your shoes, about to turn 41 and still w/o children. <P>Mrs. Job

I don't reallly post that often in this forum, however I do read it, because for the first year after the EMR I was terrified that the XOW would show up on our doorstep with papers demanding a paternity test.<P>I honestly can say that I would rather my H leave me for the OW than stay in a marriage with him and have an OC involved. But then there is a problem in that choice, because if I *had* found out that my H had impregnanted the XOW, we would have divorced. There are some things that I cannot do, and having my nose rubbed in my H's EMR until the day I die does not constitute a quality life. In my case, this would also add insult to injury Like terri and Mrs. Job, I am at the age where it's looking like my H and I will not have children. That is the one thing that I wanted in life - to be a mommy. So to have an OC involved ... no. Salt into the wounds. Ground *deeply* into the wounds. <P>Kudos to those of you who can do it, though.<P>belld

Mrs. Job, I didn't mean anyone here. I have heard the "Well, you don't have any children, so you'll be fine" line over and over and over again since this started from various people. And it is the way the legal system looks at it that troubles me the most. A business contract is given more validity than a marriage.<P>It really stinks.<P>But - I WILL be okay. Because I choose to be okay. I will never stop loving my husband - not to say I won't ever be with anyone else should we divorce, just that I know how I will always feel about him. Too bad he had to make such stupid decisions.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri, <P>I couldn't agree with you more when you say people view a business contract as more valid than a marital one. Did you ever see the vengance when someone breaks a business contract? People tend to view this as a good thing, a way to "teach that business a lesson", etc. It's usually about loss of money. Marital contracts are about money as well, but for whatever reason, when you add in the emotional aspects, people say "move on" instead of "teach that person a lesson". <P>Terri, a marriage is a marriage is a marriage and with or without children, it still remains a marriage. I don't think anyone would deem your marriage less of a marriage because you don't have children. If anyone says this to you, or implies it, don't accept it. Your pain is just as valid, the loss just as severe, your future still in jeopardy. <P>However, as someone who does have children, there are many variables thrown in which do bring forth additional problems. When I discovered my husband's affair, I filed for divorce immediately. Of course, I thought I was doing the right thing. After all, I was one of those who always said "If you cheat on me, that's it!". Here I am though, four years later, since reconcilled and still married. <P>During the time we were seperated, I heard so many people tell me "You have to snap out of it! Get yourself together. After all, you have children to feed! Move on!" So, it wasn't just about me anymore. It was about my children. They were hurting, they were in turmoil, they were confused. At first, I faked it. I had to. I had children to care for and had to place their lives above my own. Then, I fell on my face. Unfortunately, this made them suffer more. Eventually, it worked out well, but my children are still working through issues which arouse because of my husband's actions and my own. I think they will always suffer in some aspect or another. I know I will always feel the guilt. <P>So, I guess the difference is.. when you make decisions they are your own. They affect you greatly and again they are vaild and completely understandable. With children in the marriage though, what you do doesn't just affect you, but it also drastically affects your children as well. <P>Please don't misunderstand my post. My words are not to promote anger in you or anything like that at all. You have been hurt and are still hurting. I understand and am sorry. I guess I just want to show you the other side of the coin, the one where people say "Oh, get over it already! You have kids that need you". I guess if we both received a nickel for hearing these types of words we would be millionaires by now, eh? <P>My biggest point, Terri, is this. People say awfully stupid things. Sometimes it's because they don't understand or don't even want to. Sometimes they don't know what else to say so they start pulling words out of their butts. If you think about it, people are terrified to be in the positions we are in. Many think it will NEVER happen to them, but when it happens to someone they know, suddenly, their biggest fear becomes a reality. And they simply do not want to face it, look at it, feel it or even get close to it. So, they say these truly stupid statements, statements which makes them feel as if they are helping without actually helping at all. The farther away they are, the safer they feel. <P>I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make. I truly do understand. <P>Love and care,<BR>CoR <p>[This message has been edited by Couple_of_Reasons (edited May 21, 2001).]

CoR,<P>The saddest thing for me is that my husband has made the decision FOR me that I will never have children at all.<P>I do understand that I have only to make decisions for myself, but remember statistics... more marriages with children survive infidelity than those without. The odds are against me.<P>I think it is foolish for anyone who has not experienced the pain of infidelity at any level (I do believe it is far worse when you have to deal with an OC as well) to even begin to think they have a clue as to what we should do. Additionally, I have found that those who have chosen divorce are generally the ones who think that standing for your marriage is a dumb thing to do.<P>Well ... I think I am rambling and off-topic. I don't have to deal with an OC, so I can never truly understand what you all are going through here. I only remember the one time that I had borrowed my husband's car and found pamphlets about Vitamin A and pregnancy in the glove compartment. I thought I would die. It was almost worse thinking that slug was pregnant than it was to have found out he was sleeping with her to begin with! I was lucky enough to be able to find out that it wasn't so right away, so I didn't suffer long. And I'd never want to feel that way again.<P>Have I made a single bit of sense here? <BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Oh yes, Terri, you make perfect sense. Those first few moments or days when you suspected the OW was pregnant is well remembered by me. I remember sheets of water running down my face uncontrollably while I prayed to God "Oh please, God, don't let it be his."<P>I cannot have a child with my husband either. Never could, never can. I had a partial hysterectomy when I was only 26 from complications from the Dalkon Shield. Today, they could zap me with lazers and I would be good to go and able to conceive and carry a child to term. But, because this happened in 1976, antiquated drastic methods were the flavor of the day and I never had the children I desired. I did have one son from my first marrige when I was just 18 but I was a child myself and a somewhat negligent mother in the sense I was often tuned out to him and focused on MY life. I treated him like a cute puppy thinking my cuddling him and loving him was enough when I dropped him off at my Mom's or the sitters so I could go out with my friends. The guilt I carry from that is overwhelming. I am absolutely stunned what a wonderful man my son grew up to be. <P>I sure got off track.<P>Anyway, I sometimes wonder why my husband chose to stay with me when it would have been so much easier to run off with OW and raise their OC and start a new life. Being with me, he has to face every day with what he has done and sometimes the remorse is debilitatiing to him. It takes quite a balancing act to accept his regret with grace and not beat him down when those feelings of resentment are triggered.<P>I still maintain divorce is the coward's way out...it is staying on the ship that gets you to the promised land...if we all jumped ship when the seas got rocky, we would have all drowned. But there are 'life boats' available who are forced into divorce...it is a clear conscience and an opportunity to begin again. The heart does heal even if the scars do not...the scars remind us of a battle well fought.<P>Catnip =^^=