We've been struggling for a long time.

My husband is abusive and he denies it. He is so good at denying it that he usually has me convinced as well.

When things are good, they're good. He's incredibly intelligent, cares for the kids and the home wonderfully.

When they're bad, they're scary.
Our daughter, 2 1/2 wouldn't take her medicine tonight, so he slapped her. He seemed fairly calm immediately prior to this, so I have no idea what was going through his head.

Four weeks ago, he called me a ****ing idiot.

Three weeks ago, he stopped the car and threw a toy out the window because older daughter wouldn't share with younger daughter.

He thinks I blow things out of proportion. Maybe I do, but all I know is I get scared.

In the past, he has always refused to talk about it after he does something like this, and he denies that he did anything wrong.

Tonight, I asked him if he's willing to get help for this problem and he said "I don't know."

I'm not sure where to go from here.

If he hits the kids, do I have to leave?
Do you HAVE to leave? No, you are not forced to leave, but yes, you should leave and get somewhere safe.
But this does NOT (necessarily) mean you need to divorce him.

He needs to get some help/counseling/ BEFORE you go back.

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

You should separate from him until he can insure your safety and your children's safety.

He wouldn't understand this. To him, his anger is just one more thing about him that I have to learn to accept.

Separation is not easy. I'd have to leave the country. It would cost thousands of dollars.

So I get confused. Is it REALLY that bad? Gee, it's so hard to tell. Maybe it's not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he hits the kids, Do I have to leave? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but that is something I feel very strongly about.

No, you dont *have* to leave, but he slapped your 2.5y/o she wouldnt take her meds?! She's 2.5 y/o! I have a 2y/o, my husband has a very easy temper but he doesnt slap her when she wont take meds!

you said it yourself </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When they're bad, they're scary. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">all I know is I get scared </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with everyone else, you need to separate from him until he agrees to go to anger management or something. IMO his anger is *NOT* something you have accept about him! It is *hurting* YOU,YOUR CHILDREN, and YOUR MARRIAGE! It's something *HE* needs to get under control!

{hugs} to you

I agree with the others. Your H needs help with anger management. Treating the kids that way is very destructive. Please find some support for yourself and then make a move. I grew up with a mother that needed help. I never knew when what I did next was going to be what threw her into one of her fits. All I do remember is being beaten until I couldn't breathe. It took me until I was 32yrs. to start to really recover. I'm 37 now and still have trouble sometimes, even with five years of counseling behind me I struggle in relationships - scared of what the next person is giong to do to me; when will they blow up because of something I did that they didn't like. Is this what you want for your kids? Think about it. Pray for God's guidance and help in finding the support you need to make it through - whether emotional or financial. Pray and start looking; He will open a door somewhere. I'll pray for you too! Keep us posted and let us know what's happening - we care.

RMW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To him, his anger is just one more thing about him that I have to learn to accept. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H had that stance, too. Nothing changed until I drew and enforced loving, proper boundaries about that behavior.

You need to protect your children. I can't imagine why you would leave them in that situation. Yes, it IS that bad. I was an abused child and I tell you I bear a great deal of resentment toward not only the abuser, but every single one of my 'loving' family members that willingly and knowingly left me in that situation.

What country are you in? There is a chance that you may be able to get some authorities involved and get them to order him into treatment. Although, they may remove your children if you leave them in an abusive situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Three weeks ago, he stopped the car and threw a toy out the window because older daughter wouldn't share with younger daughter.

He thinks I blow things out of proportion. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You blow things out of proportion? He throws toys out the window because children are acting like children and you overreact? Please. Whatever. He needs help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Naw, you don't have to leave. Just wait until your little one blurts out the wrong thing about Daddy's abuse and you wind up losing custody too because you had the chance to stop it.

Or, you could do nothing and nothing bad would happen to you for the time being. Last week, my husband and I were out in the hot tub, enjoying the sound of the crickets when this screaming teenager started ripping into her abuse-enabling mother - full-body-volume screaming that could be heard six blocks away (I'm only two blocks away, but I knew exactly which teenager was screaming - the same one who's father repeatedly vented his anger on this child from the time she was a toddler - I remember her covering up a bruised cheekbone when she was eight years old - and this mother lying about how the child got it.... just makes me boil to think about it).

Inaction will always come around to bite you. Do the right thing. You know what that is. And the thousands of dollars it will cost are irrelevant excuses. You married a brute. deal with it.

What country do you live in?

Who says you would have to leave? Him? He knows immigration laws?

Go to a womens shelter, they might be able to help you. Just because you leave him because he is abusive, does not automatically mean you have to leave the country (depending upon what country I suppose).

How long have you lived in the country you live in?

Are you here legally? Do you have papers? Visas?

Who cares if he does not understand why he needs help, that is his problem.