How many of you are out there and have been in recovery for greater than a year? What words of advice do you have to keep the marriage going? <P>Sometimes its so hard to not feel some sadness. OW is out of the picture, but we're working on arranging CS for oc (because of that connection she will never really be out of the picture-but then most of us if not all of us are facing this). I guess what I mean is that my husband doesn/t want anything to do with the trash. He now knows how he was set up and played for a fool by a very manipulative moron--moron being my choice word to vent today. Anyway, sometime I find it really hard noit to be suspicious, and the sad part is I have no reason to be. He's with me when he's not at work, or I can account fior his time aand actions. He hasn't placed himself in any of the places like where the incidents occured. He's doing his best to make up for things and to make things right, but sometimes I just doubt him and myself. Our son and my reaction have really changed him and made him a better man. <P>But sometimes the dumbest things can be truggers, and I worry about anniversaries, holidays, and about how I will handle my b-day next year (oc will be 1 year on my b-day). My husband is working on helping me get through things. He says he doesn't mind my paranoia because he burned me so bad, but I mind it. I don't like this person I've become. I hate being suspiscious of my spouse, having evil thoughrts about OW, and being mistrustful of the world. Any ideas or advice would be appreciated. Bless you for l<BR>"listening ", responding, and caring to post.<P>Both my husband and I want things to work out. He even tries to help me find activites that will distract me.<P>ivc

Hi IVC,<BR>I e-mailed you..

Hi IVC,<BR>I only have a minute - I am trying to get my house in order for the home study C&Y will be doing with us to evaluate things for the upcoming OC custody/dependancy hearing. I have 4 little boys, so my house has been a wreck for months, and now I have to whip it into shape real quick<P>But I just wanted to let you know that I am almost 5 years past D-day. I can tell you that it DOES get easier. I think that the first two years were the hardest by far. My Dad had a saying that he used often when I would complain about not liking a situation. Once, in particular, I can remember him saying it when I was complaining that I hated my job. He'd say, "It won't be that bad once you get used to it. A man can even get used to hanging if he does it long enough." Yes, my Dad has a strange sense of humor. But there is a grain of truth to it. Over time, the novelty of our horrible situation wears off and you become accustomed to it. The pain never goes completely away, but as you learn to live with it, it lessens greatly.<P>Five years after the fact, I can honestly tell you that my marriage is stronger than it ever has been. "Hang" in there, IVC.<BR>with love,<BR>cd

IVC,<P>YES!!! there is hope. we are over 4 years into recovery from the affair, and 3 from when we found out about possible OC, a little over 1 from the child support and court papers. so many "anniversaries"...ick.<P>anyway, 4 years after the affair we are doing wonderful. i truly believe we wouldn't have made it had it not been for this huge crisis we had to go thru. we were in a mess, and had to decide then and there whether we were going to fight to save our marriage or give it all up. we decided the night he told me of the affair that we were in it for the long haul. that we had lots of problems but were going to hang around and try to fix them.<P>you are right about the OC being a constant reminder. had it not been for OC, we would long have forgotten most of this, i know i wouldn't be out looking for a support group. the affair part is so over to me, it is the dealings with CS, etc that i fight with now.<P>hang in there. if your H is dedicated to making your marriage work, you are half way there. it makes all the difference to have a H that is remorseful and willing to put in his part to fix the marriage. and of course you have your part. you can do this. this support group is great. keep posting, go back and read from the beginning of this forum and learn. there is so much in our old posts. you can even see drastic changes in some people.<P>take care!!!<P>happy_girl

IVC,<BR>Hi we have been in recovery now for just 2yrs May 5, 1999 was when my h started telling me what was going on. Its been 1 1/2 yrs since I found out about oc. We just pay the support he has nothing to do with ow or her child. I have just recently been able to get through the anger fits that seemed to come and go so often.My h is one of these men that doesnt like to tell the truth unless he is slapped in the face with it and then he still trys to make it pretty. I think that has caused me the most troble in believing in him again he has came along way from the person he was 2yrs ago. For him that is a big step from what I can see he has spent his whole life never being honest about things.I have always thought there was two people inside my h head most of the time I see only one now, the impulsive ding dong still pokes his ugly head out at times but nothing like it used to be. Ya have to just keep talking whenever your mind starts congering up thoughts, most of the time what I thought he was thinking was not at all what he really was thinking. As happygirl has said if this had never happened I really dont think we would still be together either.<BR> I know what you mean about h trying to find activites to try to make you happy mine does the same.When he sees that something is working he trys all the more this is quit amazing for him from the guy he used to be that was so self centered that I never thought anyone or anything would matter more then himself. I can finally say that I can actually do things now and not even think about this mess it has been so long, that I never thought I would ever get this out of my mind for even 5 min.<BR> I still doubt my h its just so hard not to and at least now when I do I actully feel somewhat bad for it,that hasnt been the case for a very long time the more you see the good and how this has truely changed him the more you will be at peace. I guess it really makes you slow down and look at life and what is really important.<BR> I am a diffrent person also it has changed both of us for the better. I now instead of always being the giver in life have learned how to take. That was very hard for me to do but you know it sure does feel good to take what I want out of life and not feel guilty about it. I just turned 40 yrs old this month and ya know if not for all this I would still be that doormatt lying on the floor waiting to wipe h feet off. I am proud again to have reached this age and have made it through this much of life so far, it wasnt that long ago that I so wanted to be a child again and make this all go away.<BR> This is going to sound crazy but my h is gone for a couple of days off on a job. I actually trust him more now then I did before all this. Hang in there IVC its one of the roughest things in life so far that I have had to go through but one that if I hadnt I would still be wandering around lost. Together we will all make it. with love flowerseed

ivc, check my post for newbies.<P>also, pretend you're going to make it until you do! (but not in a doormat way)<P>and keep working on your relationship! find out what emotional needs are missing for you both, lovebusters, etc. And there are concrete things your H can and should be doing to rebuild trust! check out books or counselors on this.<P>Godspeed!<BR>J