My H and I are trying to adopt...we just finished our final home study last Thursday. Keep us in your prayers!<P>My subject,lost and found is about something I lost that triggered this emotion-dumping session... It started out simple enough..here goes.<BR>I lost my safe deposit box key. The reason I needed it was to get important documents from the box for the home study. I had to spend $100.00 to get the box drilled. Bummer!<BR>But that experience started a thought/feeling avalanche....<P>The last time I entered the safe deposit box was in August of 99, a couple of months before the affair. I never placed it back where it belonged. I had a habit of putting it in the cookie jar on top of the frige, and as usual, I procrastinated several times by placing it elsewhere. <BR>But once my life became unraveled with the revelation of my H affair and the resulting impending fatherhood, I lost track of it....and so many other things.<P>My point...<BR>There are so many things I lost track of since dday. I turned 30 in October of 2000. I'm just now experiencing those not-so-fun thirty moments. You know...the I'm getting old feeling. I couldn't experience them in October, my life experiences dulled me and made me numb to the regular, simple day-to-day stuff....sort of like keeping track of a safe depsoit box key.<P>Another thing I lost....I lost track of; making progress in my career. I had just finished getting my Bachelors Degree and started a job in the IT field. I was working on an exciting project ,one of the career builders that amitious people like myself dream of, and due to my world falling apart, I could barely make it through the day without wanting to run far..far away, at least mentally.<P>I lost relationship time with my extended family...too exhausted to nurture any other relationships other than my marriage at the time.<P>I lost some self-esteem. Am I pretty? Am I desireable? Am I worthy of love?<BR>AND THEN I LOST HUMILITY....I'm better than her! I'm smarter, I'm wiser, I'm yada..yada..yada..<P>BUT, I've found so much more...<BR>**First of all..I've found that God's promises are real...strength when I'm weak, support from people he sends your way (thanks to you all!) courage when I'm scared, protection when I feel exposed, and my favorite, making my enemies my footstool!<BR>**I've found the path to a fulfilling, faith-based marriage.<BR>**Because of my personal struggles, I've found the rocks (for lack of a better word) to step into rolls at work that I would have never dreamed of...I mean, if I can handle my home life, what can't I conquor at work?!?!<BR>**I've discovered how to listen better, to read people a little better...to discern the good people from the 'opportunity for growth' people.<P>Can any of you identify? Have any of you experienced those moments where you realized you lost a significant piece of time??? What did you lose during that time period? What did you miss out on? More importantly, what have you found as a result???<P>MM<P><BR>

Your lost moments sound very familiar, except the job stuff. I definitely lost self-esteem. I quit mine to raise our son--I didn't know about A at time. I'll be praying for positive results for your adoption. God has definitely help me through some of my worst moments-God and keeping a journal to vent. I do believe that these are trying times, but I also think that God only gives us trials that make us stronger or better people. In the long run, I believe we will be better off-whether in our marriages or our personal lives. That thought is underlying all of my actions and reactions.<P>thanks for sharing your final thoughts--they provided food for thought about my marriage.<BR>ivc

I lost moments of time with my children that cannot be replaced. I lost peace of mind for a short period. I definately get "lost" all the time over things that I was able to keep up with at one time (bills, dr apts, ball schedules).<P>But I have once again found my peace of mind. I restarted my search for true spirituality and meaning in life. I found that I really can do it on my own and do it with peace as opposed to resentment over having to be alone. I found friends I didn't know were there. That is a great blessing. <P>Take care... Carolyn

This a loaded question for me...although I really feel as if I lost everything and haven't found many positive things(it may be the stage I am at or ?)<BR>I have lost:<BR>~concept of time...weeks are flying past me.<BR>~the joy of producing my H's first son.<BR>~the joy of what is probably my last pregnancy(found out at 5 1/2 months)<BR>~time I should be spending with my children<BR>~the feeling of love being "natural" with my H<BR>~the "silent comfort" I had with H<BR>~the joy of sex and intimacy(BIG issue right now...)<BR>~the last relationship that was secure to me(my parents both passed away...my mother when I was a teen and my father who was my best friend 3 months before d-day, and sisters, although are great, well you know, we are sisters!) <BR>~the absolute certainty of my life with H and that every decision we made/make was by/for us as a team and no matter what happened, WE would persevere together.<BR>~my ability, and the feeling of freedom, when I used to be able to trust, and relax with that.<BR>~my sense of self esteem(I think that goes without saying actually)<BR>~my confidence in myself, especially in the area of "reading" people and trusting my own judgements.<BR>~my sense of organization and dependability(I usually was prepared and now feel so self-absorbed in my life)<P><BR>What I have found:<BR>~unfortunately a new sense of feeling inadequate, lonely and empty.<BR>~fortunately a strength within myself I never realized I had<BR>~a will to find a way to let my H back into my heart, which the force of that will does amaze me because I often feel that God did overestimate me on this one!<P>Where I hope it leads me...<BR>~to forgiveness...<BR>~to a life with my H...<P><BR>I do hope and pray all goes well with your home study. I will include you in my prayers. I would like to e-mail you with regard to the move...is that okay?<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited May 22, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited May 22, 2001).]

Great post Matthew. Bless you with your home study. I know you will prevail and win.<P>I have lost so much.<BR>Knowing H and I are (were)no longer exclusive.<P>Not trusting my friends ever again.(they were both so good at hiding a from me).<P>Time away from my extended families while I counseled and prayed for God to heal my marriage and show me the path I should take.(HE has).<P>Seeing my son suffer as I did back then took years from my life. I knew his pain and felt it with him....yet had to get tough and help him....even though I felt as if I was going to be the next one in the hospital. God was with me the whole way and I praise His works in our lives.<P>I too lost track of time. It feels as if it is still a dream. I can't believe how far I've come in 6 months.<P>What I have found....<BR>Inner peace like I've never felt before.<P>Healing between all of us here....son, H, me.<P>Knowing my H will be the best H ever since he came home. I know it's only been two weeks but he is a natural now at including me in his life the way a wife should be.<P>A new beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.<P>I also found I would not be scared to live w/o H if that was to happen, that is amazing...So I guess I found a stronger me....<P>I have found the most understanding group of people here. I love all of you and am happy to be part of the "family",no matter the reason we are all here.<P>Last but not least....I have found prozac. heh heh heh ....It really does help!!!! <P>Love,<BR>Debi <P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Thank you all for your prayers for the adoption. I feel like it's a new beginning for us. And the odd thing is...I don't even really feel like the OW beat me to the punch. She had a child by a selfish, self-centered man that eventually ripped her heart out. <BR>I'm planning to raise children with a man that couldn't be more attentive and loving!<P><BR>IVC...thanks for responding. I like the idea of keeping a journal...I actually started one, but I'm just not diligent enough to keep at it...hang in there, and trust me, this is probably not my final thought, just one of the better ones I've had. Just curious, what does IVC stand for?<P>Carolyn,<BR>I lost track of bills too. The money was in the account but the bills were delinquent????? Didn't have the energy to keep up with them. And your're right, even right now, it's hard to get back into the regimen of keeping up with stuff. <P>NGU...you hit a soft spot for me, the self-absorbtion part. I know exactly what you mean. It's like...why doesn't everyone just stop what they're doing and recognize I'm in pain? Other people's problems seem so insignificant, even the major problems. You can email me anytime...did you get my email address from a previous post?<P>Gem,<BR>thanks...I was just curious how everyone else dealt with this time warp thing...<BR>The not trusting friends piece hit home. Only his friends knew, but I can't help but feel betrayed by anyone that knew, or knew her, or interacted with her. My H is still friends with a guy that actually took him to her apartment when we had a big argument. He comes around from time to time, but my H is having a hard time understanding why I'm so uncomfortable with him around. The bottom line is...I don't trust him. He's not a true friend to my marriage, and therefore not a friend of mine's. I'm cordial when he comes around, but I'm sure he feels my discomfort. I'm leaving that one in God's hands. <P>I'd like to focus on the positive though....<BR>"I've found a stronger me".<BR>I couldn't have said it better myself!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Matthew6:14,15:<BR><B>Thank you all for your prayers for the adoption. I feel like it's a new beginning for us. And the odd thing is...I don't even really feel like the OW beat me to the punch. She had a child by a selfish, self-centered man that eventually ripped her heart out. <BR>I'm planning to raise children with a man that couldn't be more attentive and loving!<P><BR>IVC...thanks for responding. I like the idea of keeping a journal...I actually started one, but I'm just not diligent enough to keep at it...hang in there, and trust me, this is probably not my final thought, just one of the better ones I've had. Just curious, what does IVC stand for?<P>Carolyn,<BR>I lost track of bills too. The money was in the account but the bills were delinquent????? Didn't have the energy to keep up with them. And your're right, even right now, it's hard to get back into the regimen of keeping up with stuff. <P>NGU...you hit a soft spot for me, the self-absorbtion part. I know exactly what you mean. It's like...why doesn't everyone just stop what they're doing and recognize I'm in pain? Other people's problems seem so insignificant, even the major problems. You can email me anytime...did you get my email address from a previous post?<P>Gem,<BR>thanks...I was just curious how everyone else dealt with this time warp thing...<BR>The not trusting friends piece hit home. Only his friends knew, but I can't help but feel betrayed by anyone that knew, or knew her, or interacted with her. My H is still friends with a guy that actually took him to her apartment when we had a big argument. He comes around from time to time, but my H is having a hard time understanding why I'm so uncomfortable with him around. The bottom line is...I don't trust him. He's not a true friend to my marriage, and therefore not a friend of mine's. I'm cordial when he comes around, but I'm sure he feels my discomfort. I'm leaving that one in God's hands. <P>I'd like to focus on the positive though....<BR>"I've found a stronger me".<BR>I couldn't have said it better myself!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>IVC are initials. I'm not very diligant with journal, but I use it when I feel very angry or sad. I don't like being an ugly person, so I use journal as an outlet to vent (It kind of helps me try to be the same person I was before A). In it I've written letters to people who have been involve in situation-OW, H, etc. If I think it will help my husband understand something about how I feel or why I feel it, then I'll invite him to read it-which he does. He's also willing to adress any concerns I might have written-no matter how ugly they are or are phrased (there have been a couple of those ). <P>I to understand the feeling about his friends. There is one specific one who I refer to as the King Horror. My husband is willing to sever ties with this man in order for our relationship to continue the healing process. It also helps that we are moving from this area/town which only brings me pain and sorrow with the memories and closeness-location wise-to OW.<P>Well, I've got to go. Keep me in your prayers. Also, if you find a good bible study or devotional for couples, let me know. I think that might help us. I've got to go.<P>ivc<P>

matthew,<BR>all my best wishes on adopting!!! <P>I have a question on that, as H and I are thinking of adopting an older child. I'm sure the OC came up on financial statements or whatever. Did it affect your homestudy at all? Did anyone think of your marriage as less stable or anything? Did you have to "prove" your stability if the face of that or... I'm wondering how it'll affect us in our search. Thanks.

Jenny,<P>We had the same concerns....financial stability and stability of home life. The agency we went through only asked basic questions on our finances, no credit check or financial statements etc.... I guess they realize that most people can never really afford to have children. You just make due.<BR>As far as a judgement call on the stability of the home life, I was a little scared about that. But by the time they conducted the home study, we had already given them our life stories in print. We had to complete an extensive life history questionnaire in which they really get into who you are as a person. We were candid about our situation. There was a question that asked about other children and we put our OC down. We just didn't want to lie about it. We figured if they decided we weren't 'normal or stable' enough to care for a child that needs a home then we'll try again later.<BR>All of that to say, the home study came after we completed and turned in the questionnaire. I really think that the emotional health is what they look at when deciding to deem a couple fit for having children. They really don't judge your marriage. I think for our situation, if it were handled differently (violence, separation, divorce, instability, drugs etc..) then they'd have to make a judgement call on that. <BR>I know I'm not at all being objective when I say this, but if I were conducting a home study, I'd feel comfortable knowing that I've assessed a couple that has been through the fire and they're still working it out and looking towards a brighter future. It's that type of environment in which a child will flourish.<BR>I've rambled...did I manage to answer your questions somewhere in there???

So, even though you listed it in the paperwork, the socialworkers never really quizzed you on it, right? <P>I agree with you about the attitude... if there is no violence, extensive separations, etc., it looks good that the marriage has withstood the trauma. <P>Best wishes! Can't wait to hear about your new addition(s)!