I finally worked up the nerve to tell my aunt about oc. Turns out she already knew - Lord only knows how. I guess there are no secrets in my family. But she told me that our oldest boy, 8, made a comment to her a couple of years ago that "Dad has a girlfriend and I hate her. I hate Dad for it because it makes Mom cry." To the best we can figure, this was when we were in NC and had just found out about the existance of oc. son must have heard us arguing/crying/talking about ow. (I admit that at that time I was too distraught to be as careful about him hearing as I should have been.) <P>We talked about it and decided that we had better talk with son to at least reassure him about things and get some of it out in the open. So we sat down with him last night and talked with him about it. We did not mention oc, but we asked him if he remembered the time when Mom and Dad were fighting a lot, and Dad wasn't around much (the time of the affair - he was almost 5 then). He said that he didn't remember, but I could tell that he did. Basically, we told him that Dad had made a big mistake then by leaving us for a while and that he should never worry about that happening again. Told him that everybody makes mistakes, but the important thing is that you learn a lesson from the mistake. That Dad realized he had made a big mistake, and that he would never ever leave us again for any reason. Told him that Mom and Dad were very happy now and that no matter what happens, we will all be a family. I thought things were going well, until son started crying. Asked him why he was upset. Turns out that he was not upset over what had happened at all, he was feeling ashamed that he had "hated" Dad for a while. Poor little fellow had been feeling guilty for being angry towards Dad. We told son that it was ok to be mad sometimes. He sobbed, " I never really hated Dad, but I was mad and I said I did." H said, You had every right to be mad at me then. I was not being a good dad then. But I am trying to be a good Dad now. And I promise that I will always do my best to be a good Dad. Do you think you can forgive me for the time that I wasn't being a good Dad?" Son nodded. Lots of hugging and crying. Then son said, "Are you ever going to date somebody other than Mom again?" (God bless him, he thinks they were "dating") H said "No way, Jose. I love your Mom and she is the only woman I am ever going to love. What I did then was the biggest mistake of all and I am never going to make a mistake like that again." I asked son how he felt about that. He said, "happy". Then we asked him if he had any more questions about what happened then. Told him that he could ask us anything he wanted to. He got a really serious look on his face and said, "I do have one question." We said, "Ok what is it?" He said, "Remember that old blue pickup truck Dad had? What ever happened to that?" I just laughed and laughed. All that, and he is only worried about what happened to Dad's old pickup!<P>While we didn't bring up the topic of oc, I think we laid some good groundwork there for the time when we do have to tell him. Which will have to be in the next month or so. At least to begin with he knows that Dad will never do anything like that again, and that we will always love each other and remain a family, no matter what. It's a start, anyway.<BR>-cd

Donna:<P>You handled that beautifully...so did your husband. Kudos to both of you for putting to rest your son's fears.<P>Isn't it amazing how we think our kids are oblivious to what is going on when they are keenly aware of much more than we realize? Don't be surprised if he already knows or suspects about OC...the wisdom of children should not be dismissed or underestimated.<P>God bless your little family, cd...this is a happy story. Thanks for telling us about it.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR>You're right - I wouldn't doubt that he has suspicions, at least. I swear that boy has bionic ears. He can be in bed upstairs, sound asleep, and if my husband whispers to me "do you want some ice cream?" he'll be down the stairs licking his chops in two seconds flat.<P>By the way, this morning son did show some signs of distress. I was washing breakfast dishes and noticed him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. I said, "Honey, what is wrong." He sniffed a couple times and said, "I sure do miss that ol pickup." <P>I thought to myself, "Good grief. That's what I get for having boys."<BR>-cd <p>[This message has been edited by cdcollins (edited May 22, 2001).]

CD, thanks for sharing! You and H are doing so GREAT! I have to laugh about boys. Mine is 8yo too and I can sooo relate! I hope he takes it equally well hearing about his 'new' sister. You keep up the good work!!

c.d., <BR>Good job you both deserve a gold star. It most feel real good to have this getting this closer to being out in the open and on its way to being put behind you. with love flowerseed

[QUOTE]Originally posted by cdcollins:<BR>"I sure do miss that ol pickup." <P>BOy CD, do you have a picture of the truck for him you might could put in a frame for him? How funny. I have a feeling he gets that from you.....<P>Glad it went so well.<P>Love and Prayers<BR>bw

CD,<P>you are officially my HERO... You handled that situation with your son, as if it came out of a text book. And the fact you did not wait to talk to your son, after you found out what he said to your aunt, showed how well adjusted you are. The thing your son mentioned about "guilt" he had about how he felt about his dad (what he said about) was what I learned in Psych 101. you and your H are to be commended...I hope I will be as responsible when the time comes..<BR>Your situation gives me alot of hope..Thank you for sharing.

CD,<P>Just a marvelous job! It sounds like Mr. CD is a great example of a parent who take responsibility for his errors. That took a lot of guts on his part.<P>I am a firm believer that kids intuit what is going on. I was 5 when I figured out that my Dad was not my birthfather. My parents deny ever, every haven even spoken about it, but somehow I figured it out. My shrink thinks I noticed that I don't look like my sisters (who all look like Dad, the wonderful guy who raised me). My parents didn't fess up until 30 years later.<P>One thing that they tried to teach us in adoption education is that one talk doesn't take care of the problem. Parents often think that their adopted children don't have issues about adoption because they don't bring it up. They incourage lots of open-ended conversations that allow kids <BR>the opportunity to take up the conversation if they want. Something like "If I came into my family through adoption, I'll bet that I would wonder a lot about why my birth mom wasn't raising me....." Metaphorically speaking, you softly toss the ball in the kid's direction and if they want to play (talk) they pick up the ball and toss it back at you. If they don't, they let it drop and you leave the conversation to another day.<P>Well, as a non-mother, that is my mothering advice. I think you both did a wonderful job and gave your son a solid example of just how real people can handle very, very difficult problems. I think it makes no sense letting kids grow up thinking that their parents are perfect. I swear that when (and if) we ever do get children, I will be one of those parents who admits when I screw up and do my best to apologize and to make restitution where I can. At least, that is what I think before I become a mom; in the trenches of parenthood, my reality probably will be quite different. <P>Mrs. Job

CD,<P>I am SO happy for you and H that it went so smoothly! My D is 8, but was 7 when she witnessed the asault on H. She never has asked about what happened, but both S and D were told to stay away from OM, for fear that he would try to use them in some way to get to me. Yes, he was a psyco as most of the OW here on the board. H and I were living in fear until he left the housing area, and then were still slightly concerned until he left here altogether. We still aren't sure when to tell the kids. Of course, if we ever get the money to do the testing, and then find out that Abbi is Sailorman's in everyway possible, not just the important way(in his heart), then we won't have to worry about it. Hopefully, we will be able to do that sometime soon. Almost out of a morbid curiosity.<P>As to your S missing the truck, I'm wondering if the same will happen when we sell our truck, with our 10(almost 11 yr old). We will hopefully be out from under that bill by next week. He is getting into motorcycles with Dad. Now, whenever we are driving around, and see a motorcycle, S cranes his neck to see what kind it is. H has bought him a couple dirtbike magazines, and he will sit there, looking at the different types of bikes, dreaming away. Yeah, it's a boy thing.<P>Congrats on the talk going so smoothly.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cdcollins:<BR>[B]noticed him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. I said, "Honey, what is wrong." He sniffed a couple times and said, "I sure do miss that ol pickup." <BR>B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is so sweet and touching, cd. But, what do you want to bet his malaise is NOT about that ol blue pickup but something else. Sometimes we are not in touch with our 'real' feelings but can't quite pinpoint what the problem that is really dogging us. <P>Probe further, cd...you may find that the pickup truck is a symbol of what is really bothering him. Perhaps he feels he wasn't told all he already knows and needs some validation. And then again, perhaps I am just too dang mystical for my own good =^^= and full of poop.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

you handled it wonderfully CD, hubby too. congrats!<P>happy_girl

c.d. and catnip,<BR>That crossed my mind also I may be full of poop right along with you catnip. I did think that there may be more to it. I dont know though I have only had one boy all the rest are girls. with love flowerseed<BR>

Hey cd,<P> Linzi tells me she misses Poplar Bluff. (We moved from there two years ago.)<P><BR> She doesn't miss Poplar Bluff. She misses a more secure, happy time in her life.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Mrs.Job, you're gonna make a great mom someday too

Blessing to you and your family. <BR>This me thinks that when we will tell our girls about their half-brothers.<P>May GOD continue to bless and keep you safe.<P>G&P