Being here on this forum is kind of intimidating, there are so many of you that have been here so long, I hope I can "fit in". Your stories have given me hope.<P>My H and I had 4th counseling appt, he says he's sorry and wants to work on our marriage, says no more contact. OW is 8 weeks PG, d-day 4 weeks ago. I am so torn with wanting to stay together for us and our 3 y/o D, but then I am overwhelmed with the deception and the thoughts about them being together that I am physically sick!!! <P>H has appt with an attorney tomorrow to find out his legal responsibility in this state (oregon), I asked if I could go, he said absolutely NOT. He says he would not put up with me making a fool of him publicly. Our marriage counselor said, in the office of an attorney is not public, and if your not willing to approach this as a team it won't work. My H said he would be embarrassed if I made a scene, not sure what he thinks I would do...Counselor said, what you have done is shameful and embarrassing, but if your not willing to take your lumps....anyway, H has been angry toward me, but has told me I can go to appt. Now I don't know if I even want to!!! Ugh!! <P>I feel very self-centered, but how do you get over the impossible fact of possibly having to pay someone money for sleeping with your H!!!! I feel like this is the obstacle I may not be able to overcome. My H tells me the OW doesn't need money, and would never ask that of him, but reading here has shown me how crazy these OW can be. And I'm angry with him for being stupid! I feel like he is just trying to calm me down by saying she doesn't want anything. Yea, right!<P>Thanks for letting me vent, how do you trust when the trust is gone, how do you figure out how to go forward???

MoJo7:<P>One thing your husband would be best advised to do is to follow the "Policy of Joint Agreement"---never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.<P>If he had been following this rule in the marriage, the affair wouldn't have happened. And as far as the attorney visit goes---you appear to have a strong interest in going. His "concern" seems to be that he'd be embarrassed if you made a scene. I'd suggest that you work on negotiating this out---find out exactly what type of scene he's afraid of, and then (if you can, enthusiastically) promise not to do what he's afraid of. You do need to do this stuff together. <P>If your counselor hasn't suggested it, I'd suggest that you order Give and Take from the website. It's an excellent book focused on using the POJA and how to negotiate with your spouse.

MoJo7,<P>Don't be intimidated. We all started as newbies. Just read and post, whenever you want. That is what the forum is here for. And, we can't offer you any answers if you don't ask them!! <P>I think if you want to go with your H you should. I never went, mainly because I couldn't get out of work. Secondly because I thought, he made the mess, let him clean it up. Not sure if that would fit in with MB principles, but that was my philosophy.<P>Tell your H that he has no idea what she is thinking. Our OW told my H when he first spoke to her about the baby, that she wanted nothing to do with him. That she had wanted a baby, and that she got one. Well, she left us alone until she filed for support when child was almost 3. We owe $20,000 in arrears. Throw that figure out to your H. <P>Trust is a hard one. I personally, decided to start trusting him again, but under restrictions. He had to be home right after work, no going to his B's (where affair had occured), answering all my silly questions whenever they appeared etc. It worked for us. I felt like I would drive myself more crazy by always wondering. <P>Don't know what the situation of affair was with you, but my H's affair was purely physical. He broke it off, she sought him out for one last time, tears and all, and that is when she got pregnant. He told me about it soon after they broke it off. said it had been eating at him. everytime we saw the t.v. and the show was about adultery, etc.<P>Did you read Jenny's post about recovery for newbies? It has lots of good stuff on it. <P>Take care, and don't be afraid to post!<P>happy_girl<P>

[<P>I feel very self-centered, but how do you get over the impossible fact of possibly having to pay someone money for sleeping with your H!!!! <BR> I try to deal with it by remembering child support is for the innocent child and not the b&^$^ of a mother. I collected child support before I was married and I will never feel guilty about it the money was to help support a child the MAN helped create. The hard part is when the women are collecting thousands that you know aren't going for child things like food, rent, health, auto, insurance, clothing, class trips think how much it costs to raise a child. But the support rates in some states are crazy.

MoJo,<BR>I know how you feel I to felt the same way it sure dont seem right that these women get paid for having sex with our h. I had a hard time with this also and still do when our little girl has to go without. My h does all he can to try to make up for it but at times its still is a hard pill to swallow. It does get easier to deal with though. I think alot of my worries were how are we going to make it. We are making it and I have to try not to think about what could have been done with the money that is gave to ow each week.<BR> with love flowerseed<BR>

Mojo if you want to go with him you should go. K again has told you some good advice.<P>I think he just wants to keep you from hearing his true intentions. Maybe I'm wrong.<P>Team is the important word here. It must be the approach to everything.<P>My H has finally seen the light. We will do everything as a team now. I hope your H comes around.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

MoJo,<P>I just want to second the great advice everyone has given. And tell you I was also overwhelmed with the amount of Betrayed Spouses on here. I was also relieved. When I found this site I cried and cried, because I had thought I was the only person in the world who was in this situation. The only one "stupid" enough to stay with my H. This place is a God send. I love the internet, if for no other reason, I would have never found these wonderful inspiring people.<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>broken_wings