My partner is a beautiful man, and a christian. But he loves pornography, used to use it regularly. He loves women and breasts and is instantly riveted by anything sexy on TV (that's every man isn't it? He's told me about fantasies with other couples and orgies, its all very titilating for him. Since we fell in love I've let him know how cold and repugnant porn is to me, and he has promised not to "partake". But his heart is full of this stuff, I'm so disappointed and worried. He really wants to see a porn flick with me - I guess he will feel justified and not guilty if we see it together. I feel like this man's character is very poor in this area - scares the heck out of me. I feel we are called to purity as christians, can someone give me some advice here? I'm torn and in pain about this.

run for your life, I wish I had.
It starts out small and escalates.
My husband had a few magazine that someone else gave him. occastionally he watched a movie on cable. Then it got bigger. He subscribed to Palyboy (which still comes in the mail, so I throw them away)
but he hid the magazines. Eventually he started reading them in the bedroom, in front of me. Then the month before he left he sat in a chair in the living room reading one as the boys walked in and out of the room, in plain sight. never tried to hide it. When I said something to him he told me to quit being so uptight. A month later he left - he found another woman and he is happier than he has ever been. But through my devastation the one thing I am glad for is the porn is finally gone from house. praise God for that. If H ever wants to come back i will not allow that crap to come with him.

You stated that your H is a Christian too, but I'm assuming he doesn't share your belief that "we are called to purity", correct? You may want to try explaining to him how much it hurts you that he feels the need for this stuff. Help him understand that it doesn't really matter if he thinks it's un-Christian or not, he shouldn't do something that hurts you.

I am not sure since you say partner, if you are married. If you aren't, please don't marry him until this is resolved. My ex was addicted to pornography and I didn't have a clue. He hid it because he was ashamed. But he would sometimes refuse to have sex with me, and now I know it was because he had already taken care of himself. This is absolutely devastating and I would hate for you to have to deal with that. Your partner isn't hiding his love of porn, and I don't know if that is scarier or not, but I do know it isn't healthy. As a Christian, I think it should greatly bother you....

Please take a look at www.pureintimacy.com and www.settingcaptivesfree.com . The Pure Freedom course would be perfect for your man and it is free. There are men in this world who are Christians and who choose to be sexually pure for their wives. The talk of swinging and orgies and viewing porn with you comes from his obsession with porn.

I had similar discussions with my H when we were a lot younger and before we married. We partook in none of it but I wish I had at least addressed it with him more firmly and come to a mutual agreement on the issue. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. In retrospect, I wish I would have moved on before I got married to him and had four children with my H. I have many regrets in this regard.

There are a lot of women who post at Marriagebuilders who have had similar concerns with their men in regards to sexual sin. You may want to try posting in the emotional needs section to get more responses from the membership.

I also run an online discussion group at my website and we were discussing just this week about how our men have or had secret lives and how we feel we really do not know them once all of this sexual sin comes out into the open. You feel betrayed. When you marry, you marry intending to be with that person for the rest of your lives. I would think long and hard about if this man and his sexual sin, though it may just be in his mind, is who you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

I am glad you are posting here and hope you find the information and support you are looking for.

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]</small>

Had a huge talk with my sweetie this weekend, and he claims he does not suffer from addicition, but can stay away from it any time he wants to. He has not looked at any since we got together, 2 years ago. He has always been pretty honest with me about this stuff, told me about it when we first got together, although I was ignorant of how powerful this is for him. But he says viewing these images only causes him to want me more, and not view other women lustfully. As we talked about it further however, he started to admit that he "doesn't have a leg to stand on" from a christian viewpoint and that if Christ was standing beside him while he views the stuff, he would feel dirty. He says any man would much rather have a real woman than just view the images. I told him how much it has scared me to begin to know the extent to which he is involved. He admitted in the past he felt empty after experiencing the powerful high of the movies and subsequent release and then no one to share with. Really - when you come to think of it - it must be just awful, after the thrill.

Not trying to presume your marital status, but if you are not married you should not be intimate yet. Separate sexually until marriage and insist he be accountable with a men's ministry, an accountability partner, and counseling. If he wants to honor you and build trust he will readily agree to these things. If not, run for the hills!

BLUEBIRD,I read you too are a BS . its been 1 1/2 yrs. since my husbands affair and some days are so hard I can hardly make it through the day. do you have any incouraging advice, im all ears. thankx

everyday above ground...I would like to address this for you from a self-esteem stand point rather than a Christian one. You say: "But he says viewing these images only causes him to want me more" My stbx used the same line on me...the result? The only time we were ever intimate was if he watched a porn first (and during), we hadn't made love in our bed in 3 years (no TV in there). It got so bad that we didn't even kiss anymore without one. I suggest you go to counseling together about this before you make any decisions. My self-esteem was lower than low when I finally left. I wouldn't want to see anyone else feel as badly about themselves as I did. Take care of yourself.
JMichele

I know this response may not make some of you here happy - but here's my take on porn.

Porn is as old as the camera. Men are sexual and they will like porn even if they are getting more sex than they know what to do with. Men will like porn - and it doesn't mean that they are thinking of cheating on us. It also doesn't mean that we are less attractive to them. It doesn't mean much really - it's just a really twisted part of life. Let's face it - if everyone ( and I don't mean literally) didn't watch porn - it would not be the billion dollar industry.

I think porn allows men to work out their little sexual fantasies in a safe manner. I can guarantee you this - it's a phase he's going through - he will get over it - and he will realize that the porn is just what it is - fake representation of something that doesn't even compare to the life he has with you. As long as he keeps his sexual deviances on magazines and the occassional tape - and it doesn't infringe on your daily life with him - give him that little freedom. He will be amazed at your sense of reason - and with any luck - he'll realize how unimportant the porn is.

If there's one thing I'm learning in life - just arguing about something insignificant makes it significant in both partner's eyes - and the little habit no matter how trivial - never goes away. He will do it because he believes it is his right- and you will stress about it. But once he realizes that it just hurts you rather than upsets you - I'm sure he will give it up on his own.

Porn can be just as powerful an addiction as any drug. And yes men are drawn to it. But when it becomes his primary focus for sexual fulfillment, then he is in major trouble.

I wouldn't tolerate it for a minute anymore than I would a drug addict (was married to one of those).

I would be very cautious about "believing" him regarding the viewing of it. If you end up in a long term relationship with him(marriage) you may end up devistated by his insatiable appetite for the stuff.