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I am so tired of all this...and those of you who have been kind enough to read my posts and try to help me have been patient and wonderful. I'm sorry to say that I'm not so sure that I'm making any real progress. I'm now 10 1/2 months post d-day. In short my h had an affair which produced a child. My post will probably be long, but you all know that by now! I'm just going to write, I hope it all makes sense...<P>~~Where I'm at right now...we are moving to NC, 9 hours away from where we live now. My family and friends and in essence, my whole support group is here in NJ and I'm very scared. And I was the one who really pushed for the move. It is something I have always wanted to do and if he didn't have the A I would have no questions on moving. In short, we went to NC to look at areas to live and came home knowing the place, lot, and house model, all in 2 days work! The next week I put my house up for sale, and it sells 2 days later for over the asking price! I pick out the colors of the house and plan to sell what we don't want as if everything is nornal.It's all moving so fast.<BR>I attend all functions, t-ball, Daisys, dancing, my kids make it to school, are fed and hugged many times a day. I have 3 wonderful children, ages 6,4 and 6 months. I try to remember everything but am finding that I'm so unprepared some days and that disappoints me. I used to be so dependable and prepared.<BR>I just feel as if time is just passing me by. I want to post and keep up with all of you here...and want to spend time with my kids...I am excited about moving, but am afraid b/c I'm having such a hard time being close to my H. I just feel as if I am going to wake up one day in NC in temporary housing and realize where I am and then wonder "what was I thinking?!" My sisters feel that my H and I put too much on our plate...we are always planning the next thing...that we should find our way back to each other before we move...but this is a chance in a lifetime. And I would regret it if we passed it up and worked all this out.<BR>I am also very lonely now, since he has already started the position in NC, he travels 4-5 days a week, so he is really home only on weekends. I feel empty and my home feels cold.<P>~~Issues I face today:<BR>Trust...don't have any and although he is doing everything he can and offering me all the proof if I would ask for it (ie: cell phole bill, I check his e-mail...) Its just that this is the second time I was made a fool of ( not by the same man), and I don't want to live always needing to make sure he is being truthful...and then I realize that if he wants to get away with it again he could. I always say that I will never have that blind faith again, but in reality, that is what you need to move on...what kind of a marriage is built on the need to prove yourself over and over again...my in my will to forgive, trust, and move on...and him to prove his love for me and his faithfulness...In the back of my head I continuously hear..."Once a cheater, always a cheater".<P>Excitement:One thing that I have been pondering for about a week now is that I wish that the burden of proof was on me. He says that he was feeling unloved, and I feel that we were on the road to recovery when the s*%t hit the fan. I can only imagine the fun we would be having right now, discovering each other again without the effects of the affair!<P>Intimacy...not there...even the kisses are different. And this was the major "reason" behind the affair. Maybe thats why I'm having such a hard time with this...is it because I am hurt or that I just can't get it back with him? And I must admit, I am a prude...but I was willing to change, and looking forward to it with him, but that was before I found out. Now I just want to run and hide and not deal with the need for intimacy, but oh how I need it. And I'm so embarrassed to speak of it, even here, but it is so much on my mind, and a BIG issue right now.<P>My H is doing all he can...and tries so hard to show me his actions are genuine, but you know what...if the tables were turned as I said before and it was simply a matter of me showing him that I do truely love him, I would be planning and setting up things just like when we were dating...but now from what he has done, in showing me I was replaceable in the way that was for only us...I have lost the desire to go to such lengths, and feel that it is more on his shoulders.<P>My therapist said last visit that she can see that I really do love him...how can she see it when I am so unsure of the feelings I have within me?<P>I want to get everyones opinion on a conversation we had the other day before he left for NC, but I'm tired now and must get SOME sleep before the kids wake up in a few hours. I am literally falling asleep sitting up! It feels so good that my mind will be able to stop for a while...<BR>Goodnite...until tommorow...
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NGU,<P>Wow, I don't know what to say. I did read the whole post, and I think that it is a good idea for the move. Start new somewhere new. I can understand the fear, we have moved many times, and this last was the scariest yet! Just keep in mind that we will always be here, no matter where you live. I wish I had more to say, but am at a loss. I guess I am also tired, with Abbi not on a definate schedule yet. I look forward to reading about your conversation. Maybe I will have more to offer you then. Hope you get a good night sleep before the kids wake up.<P>Love, <P>Tigger
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NGU I agree with your therapist. You do love H and some people heal faster than others.<P>Maybe the move will help. No more reminders for a while.<P>I will pray for you.<P>Love,<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....
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Dear NGU,<BR>I just have to comment on your upcoming move to NC. First of all, that is EXACTLY what we did. When the affair ended, I felt like we had to leave PA to start fresh again, so we went to NC. It was so scary leaving behind everything and everyone I knew. But it was the best move I have ever made in my life. First, because we were forced to rely on just each other. Support systems of family and relatives are great, but sometimes a person gets to depend on them way too much. When we moved, alone, to a place where we knew not one soul, we had a "It's you and me together against the world" mindset that really drew us closer together. Secondly, NC is a great place - people are uncommonly friendly. They take the notion of southern hospitality very seriously. Plus, it is a slower-paced and more relaxing lifestyle. We stayed in NC for over two years before moving back to PA, and those two years are what saved our marriage.<P>If you are moving anywhere near the Rocky Mount area of NC, let me know and I will introduce you to some very wonderful people and also give you some tips on housing and things like that. Good luck! I think you'll find that you are doing the right thing for your marriage.<BR>-cd
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NGU... you have every reason to feel full of anxiety. A move like this is big stuff. I knwo what you mean about always able to remember everything & now that is slipping. But don't worry about that. Just get a big calendar & write stuff down. There is no shame in that! You are doing everything & most likely are a little tired (I know I am most of the time). Take it a little easier on yourself. And be sure to ask for help from time to time. Either from H or family or friends. There are no Super Moms. Really... they do not exist. They kill themselves trying. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>Here are my responses to your issues:<P>Trust... well, there is no way to just suddenly trust again, other than to take that leap of faith and do it. Your H has burden of proof on him and you should feel free at any time to ask questions without repercussion as to his reaction. But don't wear it out. Only question when necessary. Otherwise it is a LB. There are times in life when you take a leap of faith. This is one of them. There will never be a 100% guarantee on when you can trust again. Sorry. But your children need you to try & do this. They need their family. He made the mistake & i know it isn't fair to have so much put on you to repair things, but that is about how it is. <P>Excitement.... I have a tip here on this one. You will think it is crazy (because I did when I was presented with this). Read "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman. She also has "Light Her Fire" that perhaps your H should read. These books go hand in hand with Plan A type stuff. Please don't think I am nuts. Go to library & pick it up. My H was in middle of affair when I started reading this & tried a few things. All I can say is, it worked. <P>Intimacy... Read above mentioned book. It works. <P>DO NOT THINK YOU ARE REPLACEABLE. That is BS. You are not replaceable. Maybe there was someone else out there to have sex with. But that is not the same as the woman you marry & have children with. The mother of his children. You are special and don't ever think you are not. The problem is with HIM. If he is so shallow as to think having an affair would "fix" whatever problems you have... well... that is BS. Please do not let yourself get to thinking that you can be replaced. No one will ever be what you are to him. He needs to remember that. He needs to know that you are precious & tell you that. <P>Hope you are rested today. Take care... Carolyn
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Thanks for the support...Iwas very tired writing that post.<BR>Tigger: My son is on a good scedual, doesn't sleep duing the day, yet sleeps 9pm-6:30am every nite! How old is Abbi now?<BR>Gem: I wnat to feel it soooo much.<BR>CD: How soon after the discovery did you move? I'm so scared. I have a large family...alot of sisters and I am very close to 3 of them. It is very confusing, but as families go, especially with sisters, there is usually the butting of heads. The one that agrees with the move feels i am the only family she has left. The other two don't agree with my decision. They feel that my H has gotten away with another way to control the situation to his advantage, with no one who will know, except for one friend(my bset friend from HS moved there last year and will be living only 10 min away. And I see this is another example of what he is doing for me. We could have moved anywhere in the state, he chose to stay near her so i would know someone, and he knows she knows the story.) Anyway...they feel that I will be alone with him, no baby sitters, no weekends at the beach on a whim(I live on the coast) that I will have to depend on only his support, and he will be traveling, and then they finish it off by saying how hard it will be to move home if it doesnt work out.<BR>I will be near Charlotte, is that close?<P>I hope to be posting my conversation tonite...it really bothers me when we bring this up and it happens often. I want to go over it with him so I get it right.<BR>
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Taking care: I will look into the book with an open mind!!!I have a library of books I have purchased since d-day and since I have so much going on, I have no time to read. I have started a few but not gotten far enough for them to help me.I am afraid that as time slips by, if I get to them after we settle in, will it be to late for them to help me? Thanks for the kind words...again, I just wish I could feel it.
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Dear NGU,<BR>I discovered the affair in late July or early August, not sure of the exact date. The affair escalated for about two months, then ended in late September. Ow told us she was pregnant right after my h broke it off with her, but we thought it was another one of her attempts to get him back. She tried all sorts of crap and harrassed us to no end. We left for NC on December 31st.<P>Your sisters are right - in NC you will be totally dependant on your h. But that is the whole point of it. You have to be totally dependant on each other. Without the family "safety net" you will both have to put your whole heart and soul into making things work. It is very much a leap of faith. Moving away was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life - but it was also the best thing. I think in some ways God was testing my faith in Him and in the marriage with that move. But I had to believe enough to jump into it.<P>Rocky Mount is a couple of hours from Charlotte, but I have been there and it is nice too. And don't forget, NC has some of the best beaches in the US. You may not be able to go there on a one-day trip, but you could make a great weekend of visiting the beach.<BR>cd
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Not giving up,<BR> How about try working on how you feel about yourself I know when I feel good about me then that makes me want my h all the more. You need to find ways to build your self image up when you feel good about who you are alot of those feelings seem to disappear.<BR> I think when we take big steps as you are doing moving any of us would have lots of things swirling through our heads.I know I have with things that were no where as big as a move. <BR> I remember all so well the feelings that you are feeling when I would read how other ladies here were in love with there h again and had forgiven I wanted that so bad butit just wasnt there. I was so dead inside that I couldnt see how it would ever change but it does. I didnt start feeling better until just recently there still is a part of me that has died but it is getting better.<BR> When you get moved try to find things that you love to do go after your dreams and things will get better. Get yourself feeling proud of who you are. <BR> with love flowerseed
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NGU,<P>Abbi is now 9 weeks, and growing like a weed! At her appointment last week, she had gained a total of 4 lbs 7 oz, since birth! She is a nice big 13 lbs 11 oz, and 23 inches long. Since she still has a slight problem with the reflux, and I am breast feeding, so I can't add cereal to the formula, I have to feed her less, but more often. That causes her to be hungry more often, I think. It has slowed down from every other day to maybe once a week. She will still sleep between 4-6 hours from 10 pm, and then sleep another 2-4 until around 6-6:30 am, so I guess I can't complain too much. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) She is starting to suck her thumb, so I am hoping that she will start to comfort herself in the middle of the night. We will have to see. I got spoiled by my other D. She slept through the night from about 7 weeks on. Only now, she wakes up sometimes and comes in our room. She is 8 1/2yr. Well, Abbi is fussing, and D is making breakfast before school. I also need to go walking again, help me loose some of the baby fat.<P>Love,<P>Tigger
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Dear NGU<BR> My heart reaches out to you and your family in this time of change, and that is what it is all about isn't it?<BR>It has been 7 years since I learned about the A and 6 since I learned about the OC, who happens to live in Ashevill, NC. Where will you be?<BR> I have moved 3 times since D-day and currently am near my family which I have never been before. Only my brothers know about the A, no one knows about the OC except us. My thoughts are - 1. Take care of yourself, by doing that you are taking care of everyone else. 2. Take time for each other - My H is usually gone M-F also and I know how hard it is esp since this is how he met the OW, while travelling.<BR>3. Find something to get involved with - join a summer bowling league, volunteer, get active in Church whatever. This way you will meet other people and you need a connection in your new community. I started to substitute teach after my youngest started school 2 years ago.<BR>4. Remember the love you have for one another, by his forgetting that he led you all into the place you are in now.<BR>Finally, remember that what does not kill you makes you stronger. You are not dead yet, so you must be very strong. Your strength gives you power to create your life like you want it to be. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>That's my 2 cents, let me know what you think, Good luck. They say NC is a beautiful state. I do not know, since the OW lives there I will never grace it with my presence except to pass thru. I am in Texas and I will never leave the state again. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <BR>I am TG
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I don't have much time so here goes a few questions...<BR>Flowerseed: You said that you didn't start to feeling better until recently...can you recall the momment, what was happening? This may sound corny(and I'm probably not spelling it right) but was it like an epiphany? Did your H do something to trigger it or did something else do it? I hope I'm not asking too personal of questions...and if anyone else would like to explain...I'm all ears!<P>Tigger: My son is 6 months, 20 lbs and 28 inches long. I had to take him from the infant car seat b/c I physically couldn't carry him. The seat was bruising my leg! All 3 of my kids slept thru at about 7 weeks, but I never breast fed...couldn't.<P>TG:Hey! I was born in Dallas, St. Pauls Hospital. How bout that!? I like the churh idea, although I do not practice my religion...I often have thought about starting to again. When I think about it I get a sense of peace, and maybe it is His way of telling me to seek help there...sound corny? We are moving to Charlotte, NC about July 10th. I have one question if I may? How do you handle the traveling. This is when my H was with her as well, and now that he is gone M-F it is real hard. Having him call me doesn't help cuz he called me before meeting up with her just to keep me happy and unaware. I search everything any chance I get (his planner, briefcase...) Its almost an out of body experience! I don't recognize or like myself when I am doing it. <P>Again, thank you all. I'll check back in tonite!<BR>NGU<P>
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Not giving up,<BR>There is nothing that you can ask that is to personal. I have to get supper right now but I will be back thats a toughy I have to think about it. <BR> with love flowerseed
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NGU,<P>I agree with everyone. I found out about A and OC on the same day in April. (around the middle of) My H finally got out of TDY station in June. We visited with family until he had to report to Ga in July. It was the best move we ever made. It was really lonely at first. I felt I was the only person in the world who was going throught this awful situaion. I didnt find this site until a year later. We were there as a team When we refused to rely on each other we fell. Simple as that. We were forces to survive together. If I had had somewhere to fun to I would have. I thank the Lord now that I did not have anywhere to go. It is a blessing.<BR>Love<BR>bw
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NGU,<P>hey there. you are totally normal in all you are feeling. you have a new baby, the affair, OC, moving. all major stressors, i would say you are handling it as well as it can be handled. <P>i think the move is a great idea. you will have to be more dependant on eachother, you will get away from a lot of triggers, and it will give you a fresh start with your marriage. i am dying to leave AZ, can't wait till i finish school, we will be GONE!!! look out texas!<P>my H works out of town, and is home about every 2 weeks for the weekend. it is very tough. must be harder with kids. i hate it because i am alone all day, especially now that i have no job yet. just me, my kitty and the t.v. and the computer! thank goodness for the internet, i would be nuts with out my cyber-support group. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>TRUST~ for me, i just took the chance and started to trust him. i would have gone more crazy always wondering. i told him i wanted him home right after work, etc, no going to brothers where the sex acts occured, etc. answer any questions i have, no defensiveness, etc. it worked for me. not right for everyone, hard to take that first "leap" like takingcare put it.<P>EXCITEMENT~ i too felt we were getting better when he dropped the affair bombshell on me. i knew we had had some major problems, but i felt we were on the road to a better marriage. he wasn't having any sexual needs met at home, and therefore was easily tempted by OW. i did plan stuff for us, but he had to "win" me over too.<P>INTIMACY~ for me, we actually were intimate the night he told me of the affair. me finding out that he mainly did it because he wasn't getting any at home, combined with the highly emotional conversation, tears, etc, and we were in bed still in tears. it knocked me right out of the game i had got used to playing of withholding sex. so, i don't know what to tell you on that, just that i am sure it takes time to get readjusted. take it slow. like teenagers. do new things, etc. <P>i know you were already told this, but you are NOT replaceable. your H is with you, he loves you. this was not fault. you are doing fine, and things will get better. all this stress at once is hard. but things will get easier. get involved with things in your new hometown, the same activities kids are in now, etc. it will help a lot.<P>take care NGU.<P>happy_girl<P><BR>
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Not Giving Up,<BR> Sorry it took so long to get back with you. My h just got home from being gone for a few days and then I helped him put a fuel pump in a guys truck so I didnt get back in till late.<BR> I think you said its been about 10 months now since you found out, I was a total mixed up mess at that point I think a cried pretty much everyday up till I found this site last fall I think we both got here about the same time.I know you said this happened to you before in another relationship me to. I have been married two other times and both my ex's cheated on me, thats how I ended up divorced they were both very abusive also broken bones tried to break my sprit. My h now just broke my heart he is not like the other two. The damage that was done to my other kids from there homes being torn apart is the only thing that kept me trying this time.Also my h is a the first man I have been with that showed me what a father is all about the other two were never there for the kids it was always me being both. You begin to think there must be something pretty wrong with you if I keep ending up with the same results. Thats why I decided this time to do something about me I needed to stop being what a call a door matt, actually at first when I found out about oc I couldnt do anything anyhow. I quit my job and just wandered around the house lost for a very long time wishing that I would just die and get it over with. <BR> I think it was around the 12 month mark that I finally said this is enough I have got to do something for me to get better thats when I started my own business again. I had a floral and Nursery business yrs ago when I was married to my 2nd that I had gave up on when he pulled his crap for the last time and I divorced. I had sold my green house because I just thought I would never care about flowers again. The love for growing things is still in me I just had to make myself do it. I almost said to he** with it again when ow came after us for child support and was going to go find another job outside the home. Instead I let my h figure out how to make enough money for me to be able to still work on my business. It was really hard for me to just let him do it all, since in the past I always tried to do it all and to fix things when he would screw up. We not only didnt have my income but also have had to fork out the weekly paychecks ow gets. <BR> I guess in a way I figure I am owned this. If he had so much time on his hands that he could be screwing around a making this mess then I have every right to be screwing around with my flowers ( could that be were flowersex came from) ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/shocked.gif) Anyhow he has not only made it possible he even helps and dosent complain that theres not much money coming in on my end yet he keeps incourageing me.<BR> I think the move will do you guys wonders a new start. We just bought a piece of property although its only 7 miles from here it feels so good to be there its like a place that is free off all the awfullness of this whole ordeal. No bad memories there to polute things. We got the land for a get away place to go camping and for h to hunt. Also I have lots more room to grow lots more flowers. Were working on putting a pond in right now its going to be so neat. Ithink when you get enough of these good memories to take over the bad things just seem to get better.<BR> Its very hard to turn your mind off when it wants to start wandering but you can do it . It gets easier with time pratice makes perfect. I to wonder if I will ever feel the love for my h that I used to. I have had so many rotten feelings towards him that it has been so hard to let the good ones back in so afraid that I'm going to get hurt again. I think that was what got me in this mess in the first place holding on to what happened to me in the past . I am finding the love is still there but diffrent. What we do have now is so much better then what we had before all this. I dont believe we would be together if this had not happened. The wall I had built around my heart from being hurt in the past somehow got torn down with all this.(does that make any sense) I guess what I am trying to say is the thing I was so worried about happening has happend. I really dont believe my h would ever do anything like this again it has torn him up just as bad as it has me. I really dont think I could have stuck it out as long as mine has, if I had done what he has and had to look at the pain day in day out and feel the shame. I think that was one of the things that made me realize that I am not somebody he would ever try to replace again. I hope this helps its alot of thoughts just flying out of my head. I really feel from your past post that your h really does love you and realizes what he has done and wants with all his heart to make it up to you. Good luck on the move it sounds like good things are coming your way ya (you said this is something you have always wanted to do this may be it). I really think you will find that it does wonders. Go find your passion in life and go for it, grab it by the horns and jump on .<BR> with love flowerseed <BR>
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Flowerseed: I have not been able to read your reply yet as I'm trying to pack the kids up for sleepovers and get to Retrouvaille tonite...I'll check in later and try to reply to everyone after the weekend, when I have a chance to really concentrate.Also, hubby is home for the wekend and since he is traveling so much we try to spend some time together. I'll let ya'all know what is going on after the weekend! Enjoy yours!<BR>NGU
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NGU -<BR>I feel so many of the same emotions you expressed. the intimacy part is the really hard part for me now. I would LOVE to move - but we can't due to finances, jobs, impending due date of my pregnancy. This kissing part really hits it home for me. I just can't "Get into it" - yet therapist tells me she can tell I really love my husband. .. . Then why can't I act like it physically? Maybe some of us just take longer to get to that point? I seem to vascilate (sp?) between hating my H's guts, to wanting to be married forever. ... I admire everyone who posts in this area because I know what pain you have all survived. . .. and I can't remember who said it, but there was a good quote above - what doesn't kill us will make us stronger!
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