I know that these questions are hard to ask especially when you can't type out the entire context of the situation.

My husband and I are in a deadlock about boy's night out. There's a brewery that gives out free beer on thursdays here - and he goes there with his boys on thursdays. I used to have no issue with it - until he would call me at 8:30 ( when they close) and tell me he's on his way home- and then straggle in at 2 in the morning. After that I told him I didn't want him going there anymore. Please dont' get me wrong - he doesn't come home drunk every time he goes. And often he just has a beer or two.

Now - he still has his occassional boy's night out on the weekends - which I don't mind about. But I'm really opposed to the idea of him going out with the boys drinking on thursday nights. I'm not opposed to him going out and drinking either - we are still young - 25 - with no kids.

Am I being unreasonable in this demand? That he do his boy's night out on the weekends? What bothers me the most is that although he knows it's something that really upsets me - he insists on doing it. Any insight would help - because this squabble is beginning to feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. It's the last one in a long string of conflicts.

- a frustrated wife

I wouldn't be to concerned about your husband's night out as long as he doesn't overdo it. What I would be concerned about is if he starts to lie to you. lying is bad! and to do it to your wife of husband is worse. ask your husband to be honest with you regardless of the issue or outcome.

Have you considered a girl's night out the same night? That way you are occupied and have less time to worry about H. If I'm missing something here let me know as you provide limited information. Men need men time. I play softball. I don't condone drinking at all and he could be more responsible, like getting home at a decent hour. That doesn't negate the need for men to have some men time. I also am committed to a men's ministry at church. Men are action oriented and we need to blow off steam. We have ESPN because women have PMS. Well, I thought it was funny! Seriously, give him some space if this is all he can find to do on his 1 night out.

Hi Kitty Kat,

Since you were fine with the Thursday night out until he started coming home late, could you give him your ok to keep going out Thursday, but set a boundary so that he doesn't leave you home worrying until the middle of the night?
I'm sure I'm missing things that happened in the actual conversation, so maybe you already did this.

I'd read through the POJA concepts a few times and then try to apply them to this situation. I'm sure you two can come up with something you're both happy with.

In terms of some of the other concepts like RC, he should probably find something that he can include you in on. I tend to disagree with that perspective though...I think people need some time with friends and even on their own. I think it's okay as long as your boundaries (after being clearly presented) are not being abused and if you're getting enough time together the rest of the week (at least 15 hours per Harley).

You sound flexible, I'm sure that if you two sit down and listen to the real concerns (figure out what about this habit really bothers you--are you worried? lonely? jealous?)...I'm sure you can come up with something using the rules of negotiation and POJA.

Good luck,
Smile

I went through this exact situation, so I would like to send you my link to my post.

Going out without spouse

This was a turning point in our marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miss Kitty Kat:
<strong>I know that these questions are hard to ask especially when you can't type out the entire context of the situation.

My husband and I are in a deadlock about boy's night out. There's a brewery that gives out free beer on thursdays here - and he goes there with his boys on thursdays. I used to have no issue with it - until he would call me at 8:30 ( when they close) and tell me he's on his way home- and then straggle in at 2 in the morning. After that I told him I didn't want him going there anymore. Please dont' get me wrong - he doesn't come home drunk every time he goes. And often he just has a beer or two.

Now - he still has his occassional boy's night out on the weekends - which I don't mind about. But I'm really opposed to the idea of him going out with the boys drinking on thursday nights. I'm not opposed to him going out and drinking either - we are still young - 25 - with no kids.

Am I being unreasonable in this demand? That he do his boy's night out on the weekends? What bothers me the most is that although he knows it's something that really upsets me - he insists on doing it. Any insight would help - because this squabble is beginning to feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. It's the last one in a long string of conflicts.

- a frustrated wife</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I agree with you on this one. I don't think that you are being unreasonable or demanding.

I think that there is a little give and take in each relationship and if you are not going out drinking all the time, then why should he be.

Do you trust this guy? If you trust him, then would it help if he'd phone you when he was leaving, or if you had a mutual time that he could call and you could talk to see when he was coming home?

The best advice my husband and I received pre-marriage came from our premarital counselor.

1. Married couples should not make single people their closest friends. In other words, once your married, married people should be your best buds.

It's just not wise for a married man or woman to continue to spend the majority of their free time with their single friends. It's too easy to act single if all the people you are with are single.

Yes we need time away, but in all honesty to build a strong affiar proof marriage, you must make your spouse your best friend. The one you call to go to any special occasion. The one you want to spend all your free time with. The one you cancel unnecessary things to do in order to be with.

I am opposed to a "boy's night out" on a regular basis, because this makes it too easy for your husband to act in ways that he wouldn't if you were present which can lead to dangerous situations.

Once in a while, you need that, but on a weekly basis, I say no. If your husband wants a night out, find out what he loves to do and make plans for the two of you to enjoy that activity together. Since I am opposed to drinking in any form, I don't recommed that you drink together because then you are stranded as to how to get 2 drunk people and a car to the same destination without outside help.

Drinking often causes us to act in ways that we would not normally act because of the depressive nature of the alcohol, it releases inhibitions and makes us unpredictable.

I would seek to try to find couples you both enjoy and start a "couples night out" and learn to enjoy the things he enjoys.

Men in packs as a general rule are a dangerous lot and that type of association should be avoided.

MultiMom - I think your advice is too broad of a sweep. I totally agree with you on the drinking issue, but what if the H is a member of your church's mens ministry? Should he still include his W? That would go over like a lead balloon! The men's group would naturally have singles in it, should that disqualify the activity also?

I stand behind my statement that men need men time with other men. That's completely normal except when the activity could lead to no good (bars, clubs, etc.).

I also believe women need women time with other women. I guess by your statement that would be a no-no since you surely would apply your principle to both spouses.