Hi all -<P> I havn't posted on the preg/child boards in a long time. Actually I just started posting again after a haitus.<BR>Brief background: married 23 years, D-Day April 2000, Plan A from April - Aug. Plan B Aug through now. We had/have 4 children all adopted internationally. Husband had 2x affair with young co-worker. She gave birth to his child Dec. 26 of this year. Just 2 weeks ago I started counseling together with husband. On the surface to help children cope but actually to see if we can reconnect. Husband is major conflict-avoider.<P> O.K....... questions and advice sought:<BR> 1. Did anyone else do Plan B and was it successful?<P> 2. We have had 3 counseling sessions and have yet to speak of OC. Is this the right way to go about things?<P> 3. I know my husband would want to have some sort of relationship with the OC which would put him in contact with OW (though they do work together). Has any one handled visitation? It is tricky with my adopted children because it makes them feel insecure.<P> 4. The OW gave the OC my husband's name and last name. Did he have to give her permission to do that? <P> 5. We have only just started talking again and only with our counselor though later this week we are supposed to go out together and talk. Should I mention OC or is that something to wait about? (I am not good about holding back)<P> Thankyou for any responses. I'm confused about how to proceed. We were headed for divorce and now I don't know what we're doing.<BR> Kris<BR>

Quakermom,<BR>My story may help you or not.<BR>About the last name...I'm not sure. Our ow is married,in Ohio it means child is presumed to be of marriage unless proven otherwise. Child has her h last name for now. No paternity has been done. It's scheduled for this Thurs....but ow wrote ME a letter and said she will not go to it!!!<P>D-day Nov. 13 2000.<BR>H moved out day of confession. I began to counsel alone. H moved home after a month of begging and counseling. He wanted it to work between us.<P>We brought oc issue up a lot. He was adament on seeing C. I was adament he shouldn't.<P>It was so bad at first...then he said no visits.....so for a few months Jan-March I thought that issue was done. Then it came up again. I was crushed!!!! I tried to listen to him say it was not about ow....I couldn't hear that then.<P>I went berserk one day and threw him out. Plan B style. I began to recover and thought I should start divorce action.<P>It was 6 weeks. Then after a horrible phone call from H saying I should get a job and he was no longer going to feed my son and myself...the next morning he called in tears. Said he loved me and couldn't go on w/o me. Said he'd do ANYTHING. Said he was moving back homme that day whether I wanted him or not...(I didn't think I did that day).<P>We have been married 27 years with one son age 21.<P>He agreed to a poja. He agreed to my way of visitation.(baby born april 28) I still saw my lawyer and got things in order so to speak. H knows one more lie will terminate us. I meant that and he saw that. H has been WONDERFUL. We are teenagers again. It's like as soon as he began to show me I was first the other things fell into place without an arguement.<P>It's been 3 1/2 weeks since he's been home. Ow went crazy when she knew he came home.<P>Yesterday he received yet another letter in the mail from her...(she won't give him up) She said she wanted visits to be with all of us and all of her family forever....to be normal situation for the baby.... All birthdays and holidays with us and her family....she's truly nuts.<P>Also said baby cannot call me anything close to "MOM" as SHE is the mother.<P>Said if he doesn't do these thing he will never see the baby,,,she will move to Florida with her 3 other kids and live with her H!!!!<P>My H said "See ya later!" He's sick of everything. Has no clue as to why he was ever with her. Said he'd like to smack her with a bat!!!ha ha <P>Calls me the best thing in his life. Can't believe God would let him have me in his life again. Said I am truly a good person and is sorry to put me through all of this.<P>Through the grace of God I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never be a part of baby's life with her attitude!<P>God bless you in repairing your marriage, counseling is a good thing.<P>I hope my story gave you hope or help.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited May 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by quakermom321:<BR><B>Hi all -<BR> O.K....... questions and advice sought:<BR> 2. We have had 3 counseling sessions and have yet to speak of OC. Is this the right way to go about things?<BR> nothing wronge with this work on the marriage first.<P> 3. I know my husband would want to have some sort of relationship with the OC which would put him in contact with OW (though they do work together). Has any one handled visitation? It is tricky with my adopted children because it makes them feel insecure.<BR> Just make sure you are involved in EVERY aspect of visiatation, if the mom really wants the father in OC life she will have to deal with you.<P> 4. The OW gave the OC my husband's name and last name. Did he have to give her permission to do that? <BR> What state are you in? In mant states they can give a child any name they want to, in some it doesn't even have to be either parents. I know when i had my first child out of wed lock i could of given any last name i wanted.<P> 5. We have only just started talking again and only with our counselor though later this week we are supposed to go out together and talk. Should I mention OC or is that something to wait about? (I am not good about holding back)<BR> Are you going to be able to handle contact with Oc, knowing that your husband will want contact maybe wait then bring it up.<BR> Thankyou for any responses. I'm confused about how to proceed. We were headed for divorce and now I don't know what we're doing.<BR> Kris</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks - I like the idea of showing and insisting to that Iam in every part of my husband's life if he is involved with OC. My self-preservation instincts would usually have me avoid something like this. But if (and this is all hypothetical of course) SHE saw that I was going to be directly involved that could change the picture. I guess it depends where we go from here.<BR> Kris

Back to the top for me!!!!