We were all talking about triggers for us, but I think I worry more about triggers for my H. You know, about things reminding him of ow and his time with her. I can deal with the triggers I have since I (obviously) know about them. I do wonder if he has triggers that he would never tell me about. And POJA or no POJA he would NEVER tell me. Is this just me?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_wings:<BR><B>We were all talking about triggers for us, but I think I worry more about triggers for my H. You know, about things reminding him of ow and his time with her. I can deal with the triggers I have since I (obviously) know about them. I do wonder if he has triggers that he would never tell me about. And POJA or no POJA he would NEVER tell me. Is this just me?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> I know that there are many triggers for my hubby. he has told me he misses the friend he had in her before they got physical. they were friends for ten years, long before i came into the pictyure and they always had so many"inside" jokes and phrases and i know not a day goes by where something doesn't remind him of her, it sucks but he is doing what I need him too. i even heard him tell his mom once, "She was my best friend and I totally screwed up her life, my life , my wife's and all my kids, i really miss that friendship." that hurts but I know he loves me.<BR>

My H and I are pretty open about everything. The things that trigger him the most he says are when I talk about the affair, OC, etc. He said that triggers pain in him at how stupid he was and what he did to me. Also, a couple of times after we have made love, he has said things like how could he have been so dumb to look for sex outside the marriage when he has a wonderful woman at home, etc. I remind him that we had no sex life at that time, and that we are different people now, that our marriage is in a totally different place now.<P>I guess it depends on the type of affair, length of time, their relationship, etc. My H's affair was purely physical. They had been friends before, etc, but not like best friends or anything. He says the worst triggers are me, and t.v. The t.v. was actually the trigger during the affair that got to his guilt the most. Whenever we would see adultery on the t.v., and I would comment that I would leave if he ever cheated etc, it just cut to his heart. He said that all those shows just made him realize what he was doing was wrong. So thanks for t.v. for something!<P>Good thread though, I am sure many have triggers, especially if they were long affairs, or emotionally involved. I know that I am a very emotional person, certain songs still trigger thoughts of my first love, etc. So I can see how it would affect the WS also.<P>I often try not to talk about affair, OC, etc with H unless absolutely necessary. We had a big discussion about it when H was home, triggered by having to go sign the insurance papers for OC's policy. He is much more willing to talk about it now that he knows I won't judge him, cry, etc, and that I have forgiven him. But I can see how it hurts him thinking he is hurting me by discussing it. I usually come here when I need to vent, saves H from some unneeded misery.<P>happy_girl

Interesting topic. I don't know if we have ever discussed here whether or not our WS's have 'triggers' that remind them of the OP.<P>I know this has been one of the top three fears of mine throughout this entire ordeal. I wonder and worry about this all the time. I wonder what he thinks, if he reminisces, if he ever wishes he chose her, if he ever imagines what life would be like with her instead of with me...so I asked him. <P>He looked stunned. Then he laughed out loud and said, "That was bizzaro-world, B. Nothing made sense. I saw things through a skewed vision that was a lie. Compared to you...there is no comparison and I conscientously fight any thought of her or that time. I was sick, it wasn't real and I am deeply ashamed of those weeks and most of all how I hurt you. That is my deepest regret."<P>Well, he said all the right things and he backs them up with his actions and I guess unless he contacts her, I choose to believe him.<P>The truth is, I won't 'really' know the truth about any of it until it is all over and we are standing before God at judgment day. And then, I won't care.<P>Catnip =^^=

brokenwings,<BR> I would have to say happygirls reply is pretty much the same for me. My h triggers he was dealing with before I found out about who the real ow was and about oc were all to do with being horrified that I found out. <BR> There was one that makes me laugh now when I think about it and it was when my 24 yr old just found out she was preg for the my first grandchild. The oc and grandson are 2 weeks apart. I remember asking h guess whos going to have a baby? He went pale as a sheet and I swear he almost pooped his pants and seemed so releived when I said Heather. I thought at the time he was just happy for her. Can we say Carol is nieve, blind or something. There was other times also but thats the one that I remember most . I really think he got payed back for this at least a hundred times and I didnt even know it at the time. <BR> with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by flowerseed:<BR><B>brokenwings,I remember asking h guess whos going to have a baby? He went pale as a sheet and I swear he almost pooped his pants and seemed so releived when I said Heather.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hahahahaha....I thought I'd die when I read this, Flowerseed. Funny how in time, something so tragic makes us laugh a little now. I have a couple things that make me laugh now that I never thought I would ever find any humor in.<P>What a difference a day (month, year) makes.......<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Flowerseed,<P>Just had to say, this made me laugh!! Talk about a Kodak moment!!<P>You didn't happen to get a picture did ya??

Mojo,<BR>Only in my head its still there as if it was yesterday. There were alot of other things that also happened that I really think my h set himself up for the worse he** he could have ever imagined. I'm sure it has made him think twice about doing any of it again. It had to be toture. he he he gees I'm rotten <BR> with love flowerseed

That is pretty funny Flowerseed!<P>One of my best friends had a baby 2 days after ow. I told my H about her baby and I started crying bc I remember our first day home with our daughter and her birth and how "perfect" our marriage was then and he thought I was crying bc of ow. Well, he then says there was another little girl born 2 days before and gave me stats...like I cared how much this child weighed at this time. And he ended it with "they say she looks just like me" like he was proud or something. I asked him (or rather screamed) "Who the he!! is THEY?" ow and ow's mother. "How does ow's mother know what you look like??!!" "I thought you had never met her family!" oops on his part. That is how I found out about birth. Lovely huh. Now I watch my D and my friend's D play and of course I picture oc and my D. I wonder often if H does the same.