i have looked all over this board and i haven't seen a direct answer from dr. harley about our situations, I have seen where a women had a baby from an affair but nothing directly whwre the man had an affair that led to oc and how the bw is supposed to cope with oc. Has anyone seen a response to THIS direct situation?

I have looked also and not seen anything. Maybe one of us should post to him directly through the Q&A section.<P>Mrs. Job

Ditto. I've found VERY LITTLE on this subject and I looked everywhere I could in the first year or so--used to go through the indexes of books on marriage, etc. <P>I've even threatened to write a book on this myself but I don't have time now. (Mrs. J, you're a writer! )<P>The most I could find was so brief, like one writer saying the husband only owed the OC money, and his time and loyalty must be with his family, and there used to be a page about it at Ask Peggy that basically said the situations are too different for there to be one right answer, etc. I got more info. on OC situations from our counselor and this board than from ANY book!!

months ago I emailed Harley and asked him this very question. I never got an answer. Wonder what that is about. I would be interested in what if anyone finds out, but I agree-each situation is so different, we can handle each different things. My H keeps pointing out the women on this board who have accepted the OC somehow into their life as something I should be able to do-but as my counselor said, it doesn't matter what others do-it's what I can manage and handle H has to deal with.As I told H, I am the one he is living with, married to, supposedly committed to.That is what he has to deal with. He doesn't get it-I am no different than I ever was with him-he is the one who changed the rules in our marriage, I never signed up for managing or having him having children with others outside our marriage bed-neither he and I had been married before. Now he thinks because OC exists, I should accept it. I can't.

Isb, My H has 2 OC that I found out about, five yrs. ago, and met in person, with them and their mother, OW. I found out accidentally. We, [H and I], have not had any contact since that time with OC's or OW. Someday, if the OC's seek out their father on their own, I will not close the door in their face. Until then, we would not want to interfere with their lives. This is especially my H's wish. Either that, or he's a real actor. I do agree with you, either contact, or there's the door. ember

I couldn't find anything to help us in this situation either. I'll be watching for an answer here too.<P>ISB and ember.....you are right...your marriage should come before anything or else!<P>love<BR>debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....